Confronting the OW....or OM

[stuckinoz]

I am curious. Has anyone out there successfully contacted the other party in their spouses "infidelity?"

My husband text messages several women (I use the term WOMEN loosely because he is 48 & they are in their early 20's- they are girls in my opinion)

 

They are all "waitresses in a bar that he frequents. I have only "seen" one of them & am contemplating confronting all of them via phone.

 

I want my husband to feel the same pain that I feel right now. To understand that having this insecurity is a real bitch of a feeling.

 

Since we started our counseling 4 or so months ago & since I moved home a month ago - I have been true blue & very careful to not do anything to jeapordize things. HE on the other hand, I feel is still in "Do as you please land".....even when I make comments about the OW that he texts....he says they are friends & he will "Try To Cut Back"......WTF is that about anyway?

I am just curious if that tactic works.....or if it backfires.

[Owl]

If they're actually involved with your husband, it will do no good whatsoever.

 

They will lie. Your H will continue to lie.

 

My question is this...what CONSEQUENCES is your H suffering for still contacting these "women"?

 

Why would you expect him to change if he doesn't have reason to?

[torranceshipman]

Yes, great advice from Owl...you need to show your H there are serious consequences to his actions. Maybe tell him to move out, or move out yourself if that's feasible. Lay the law down as right now he's disrespecting you and walking all over you.

[Reggie]

I spoke to the guy. At first he was frightened, although I was very calm. I thnked him for taking my XWoff my hands and I sincerely meant it. I did let him know that if he harmed my kids anymore than he already had, I'd kick his ass.

You need to know that these folks care nothing about you or your feelings. They've drank the koolaid your spouse has provided them regarding you and your marriage. And, the very fact that they are involved with a married man demonstrates they have very different values than you. It does no good to talk to them.

[stuckinoz]

His consequences? He really has none at this point. I have asked him about them on several occasions. I get responses anywhere from "They are JUST Friends"...to "I'm not doing anything wrong" "THEY want us to get back together"

 

I have NOT said in so many words "It either STOPS or I'm gone"....but I believe he knows that's what I mean.

I hadn't threatened to contact any of them until last night - When I asked him what one of them would think if I asked her what her intentions were? The thing is - I have seen this girl when he & I are at this particular bar watching football. There are a lot of nice girls there, & we have been regulars for years...... but there are those select few that have decided that my husband is the object of their affection.

Anyway, It's not that I"m going to do it - I was just curious of other's outcome

[Owl]

I reiterate my question...why do you expect him to change, if he's got no REASON to change?

 

If you DON'T enforce a boundary, he loses respect for you, and he knows he can get away with it.

 

As you've now had demonstrated.

 

Why ISN'T he suffering consequences over this?

[stuckinoz]

Mostly because he has always been a bit of a manipulator. He turns & twists things around so it seems like I am the crazy one. If that makes sense.

Yes, I complain. Yes, I am frustrated by all of this.

But I don't know that I can answer your question. I honestly don't know why he doesn't have to pay any consequences for this.

He is not remorseful, he always maintains that they are friends. (see, twisting)

So, I don't really know why - for right now - I have allowed for it to continue.

I did just move back home less than a month ago after being separated for 6 months - thinking things would be different when I got home. And, while they are somewhat better (his drinking has gotten a little better) this issue of texting is a new & different animal that I am just now learning about.

[Owl]

He doesn't have to pay consequences for his actions because you let him get away with it.

 

You are ENABLING his behavior, by accepting it.

 

I'm not saying this is all your fault.

 

What I'm saying is that if you want things to change, you have to MAKE them change.

 

If you can't accept what he's doing (and you shouldn't)...then you make him suffer consequences for his poor behavior.

 

If he continues to accept texts from other women...shut off his cell phone. Cut off his credit card that he uses to pay for his drinks. If it continues...then perhaps you DO need to resume that seperation.

 

If he doesn't stand to LOSE something, he's going to keep doing what he's doing.

[Lizzie60]

I was caught once.. we were together and she caught us.. hand in hand.. she was mad at HIM not at me.. as I didn't know he was married.. (that's like 6 years ago).. I was naive back then .. and didn't read the red flags..

 

She slapped him in the face.. he was shrinking.. ... She 'interviewed' us for over an hour.. then they talked for another 2.. then he left.. she then called me.. we talked for about an hour..

 

She called me 2 weeks later.. but I then told her not to call me anymore..

 

I was feeling as if she wanted to get closer to me.. like be 'friend'

 

She never called back.. he contacted me again a few months later.. but I refused to see him again.. can't stand liars.

 

In your case.. I feel that you are just playing the 'victim' and you're not doing anything about it.. don't be a doormat.. show him the door.. he won't change.. why would he?

 

That's what I told this woman.. she said that he started to cheat 3 months after they got married 20 years ago.. he never stopped but she could never 'nailed' him.. she finally caught him.. guess what? she's still with him today.. and he is still on the Internet Dating sites.. he has called me a few times.. just to check if I wanted to get back with him..

 

He will never stop... never..

[Owl]

Damn...Lizzie and I NEVER agree...we make a point of it.

 

When we DO agree...that should be SCREAMING something about the situation!!!

[Lizzie60]

.................................

[soda]

I am curious. Has anyone out there successfully contacted the other party in their spouses "infidelity?"

My husband text messages several women (I use the term WOMEN loosely because he is 48 & they are in their early 20's- they are girls in my opinion)

 

They are all "waitresses in a bar that he frequents. I have only "seen" one of them & am contemplating confronting all of them via phone.

.

 

Don't contact the OW. She will lie. Contact everybody else in the world though. If the women have SO's, tell them what those women are doing. Tell your family and friends. You can also tell your H's family.

 

If you want to make your H's behavior as unattractive as possible, expose it.

 

Why do you have to keep his dirty habits that hurt you secret?

[soda]

I reiterate my question...why do you expect him to change, if he's got no REASON to change?

 

If you DON'T enforce a boundary, he loses respect for you, and he knows he can get away with it.

 

As you've now had demonstrated.

 

Why ISN'T he suffering consequences over this?

 

Exactly. Remember when you were a kid? You were punished for being naughty. Your husband is acting like a kid, and you're letting him do so.

 

Punish him. Don't do the passive aggressive crap. Expose him. He will either 1) act like a baby, or 2) start acting like a responsible adult.

 

Until then, you are enabling your H to be a 10 year old.

[stuckinoz]

Part of the reason that I "enable" this situation is that 3+ years ago I had an affair myself. Our life was that of a "partially open marriage" (He claimed at the time he wasn't interested in being with other women, but he wanted to live his life vicariously thru me...I was more adventuresome)

 

I suppose that in the back of my mind somewhere --- IF I blow the whistle on his misbehaving, he will toss my indiscretion in my face & quiet possibly my children will find out. (they are both grown)

I am a better person now. I know that I made a mistake (with his urging) & I am OVER that lifestyle. (the partying, drinking a lot & affair)

 

Anyway, I think that is part of the reason why I let this continue. I guess I figure it will eventually be out of his system.

2 years ago when our REAL issues began it was because of his drinking. We were separated for 6 months, that's when the "Girls" came into the picture to rescue the "Poor nice man that sits at the end of the bar, who's wife left him"..........If any of that makes sense.

 

Like I said before I did....& DO now go to this particular establishment. My family has gone there for years.....both of my kids, back in the day, worked at this place. The wait & kitchen staff look at us as the "parents".

I love most of the people that work there, but there are those select few that I feel like have, in my opinion, 'crossed the line'.

 

Yes, this thread has gotten a little off topic. But, that's the WHOLE story in a nutshell. I was mostly just curious about this "confronting" issue.

[Owl]

I'm not sure that this thread IS off topic...you asked for advice on confronting the "girls"...and were given responses and alternate choices to consider.

 

I wish you the best of luck...

[Gzus]

If you had an affair and were screwing other guys, Im sure he has no respect for you anymore. your kids are grown, as you said.

 

And he probably feels totally justified in talking to these girls, as he accepted your fling (and encouraged it you say?)

 

As far as confronting the OM, Ive done that in a previous relationship in which my GF physically cheated - I knew the guy and knew he'd been hitting on her. I caught them together outside a local bar and beat him into the parking lot. I then moved out of my townhouse (where we co'habitated) and left her. Her brother and I are still best friends though and he was actually there when I caught them. Funny, actually.

[stuckinoz]

Why beat the sh*t out of him. It takes 2 to tango...or so they say?

[Adunaphel]

I think that confronting the other person might be a good idea in some cases, and totally useless in others.

If your partner has been lying to the OW, and you are willing to share and confront information about him, she might actually be very willing to tell you her version of the story.

If the OW knows about the situation, and does not care, or is not interested in an actual relationship with your partner, confronting her will probably be useless.

If you verbally attack the OW, or insist on doing the all the asking but will not offer information in turn, confonting her will probably get you nowhere.

 

In your particular situation, if you decide to talk to the girls, your best bet is IMO to be as polite as possible. If any of them either likes you (I'm talking about gut feeling of "like" or "dislike") or feels guilty she *might* tell you something.

[Gzus]

Why beat the sh*t out of him. It takes 2 to tango...or so they say?

 

For the sheer satisfaction and release of anger and resentment. Also, to make the person pay for stepping into your territory. I didnt want to smack my gf (would never do something like that) so he became the logical target of my anger. Truly, after I did that, I felt 100% better and had no problems leaving her with the beat down fool she cheated with in the parking lot. Not only that, he paid the consequences for his poor decision just like she did.

 

You can not like it if you want, but that's just me.

[stuckinoz]

I'm not here to judge - And whether I like something or not is irrelivant.

 

I agree both parties should be "punished" in one form or another. And, while I don't advocate voilence - I also don't think you should punch your GF out either.

LOL......I was just wondering.

[Gzus]

no problem dude. You wouldnt be the first person to be appalled at my attitude or behaviour

 

And I only advocate violence when it fits. Usually Im a lover

[2sure]

Hi again Stuck...

 

When I caught my husband texting OW, I called them. I knew it wasnt anything more than texting, but I called them anyway. I wasnt angry or asking them for information. I didnt blame them, but told them I wanted them to stop participating. It wasnt really a big deal.

 

Before I called them, I was nervous as hell. I KNEW my husband would be furious with me. I knew he would feel humiliated by me in front of them - and that my causing this embarassment could be a deal breaker for him. And, it was just as embarassing for me to acknowledge to these women that my marriage was in trouble and I had to police my own husband. But I knew I had nothing to lose. If it didnt stop, the marriage was over anyway. If that were going to happen, I preferred it be on my terms with him being the victim of his actions instead of me.

So, I called.

He was humiliated.

He was angry.

He had an "AHA!" moment of realization

So far, were moving on

[Gzus]

yea, my wife was texting/chatting this guy in another town a few hrs away who did a tattoo for her and her sis. Funny thing was, like the day she came clean with me, his wife of 2 months called us at 4am and confronted my wife. She felt like a total idiot. It was the first step toward our recovery that has *(thus far) been ok. Plus it feels really good to confront someone that has ****ed you over.

[2sunny]

the fact that you left for 6 months and things now remain the same as before you left indicates that he has no intention of respecting your wishes.

 

you have two choices:

 

if you want to be a doormat then stay.

 

if you want to respect yourself by standing firm on basic boundaries of decency - then leave. for good - by returning you have shown him that you set your boundaries aside for him to walk all over you.

[stuckinoz]

Excellent 2sure.......I know that if I decide to do this I will be nervous as hell too. But, you're right by saying...what is it we have to lose - A marriage that's already down the tubes?