What would u do?

[Unsure21]

]\Okay, I've been married for six years, in the same relationship for 14 and we have two children 5 and 12. I have never felt an attraction like the one I do now to one of the owner's of the company I starting working for about a month ago.

 

It all started the day I met him, our eyes met and it was like Yowzah, I could tell he found me attractive and I fell into his blue eyes; plus he is very intelligent and powerful. However, he spoke of his wife so I thought nothing else of it. I mean I could tell he liked me and made comments about my appearance and my brains etc. We work pretty closely together as he is my coach/trainer (we are in sales) and we've been alone in the car and at my house even, but never a move made by him or me. He always talked so fondly of his wife and told stories about her etc. I figured they were happy--not so. He told me a week or so ago that he and his wife have been separated for two years and they are "dating" and she is his "best friend". They have a son together and have been married about five years. I have a feeling they got married because of their son since he is four and a half. It seems she has moved out and he is getting ready to sell the house. I feel he doesn't want this since he always talks about her, I sense he is attracted to me, but is because he is vulnerable right now?

 

So now, this makes things WAY more complicated. I love my hubby; he's a hard worker and loves his kids. However, I am not the same person I was fourteen years ago. I never thought I would ever get a divorce especially because of the kids and both my hubby and I come from broken homes. We've had our ups and downs, a couple years ago I tried to get my hubby to go to counseling but he said "no" because it leads to divorce

 

I've never felt this kind of attraction to another man, I am so confused, did I and this other man cross paths for just work or is it something more? I believe in fate, destiny, and things like that. Would I be happier without my hubby? What about my kids? I don’t want to hurt hubby's feelings either, but sometimes I feel I am treating him unfairly he's a good hubby in some ways. I need some REAL advice and not criticism, please--thank you.

[Owl]

You're on the verge of crossing a line. You know that, hence your post here. Your options are pretty cut and dry...

 

End your friendship with him now.

 

OR tell your H that you're pursuing a relationship with another man.

 

Clearly your husband deserves a wife who is divoted to him...or he deserves his chance to decide whether or not he wants to remain in a relationship with one who isn't.

 

You can't have both.

 

If you want to decide which way you should go...well...that depends a lot on what kind of person you are, what your morals are...whether 'right or wrong' is important, or your attraction to someone else is moreso.

 

If you want to pursue ONE of these guys...in all fairness, you need to cut the other person OUT of your life.

 

Who will that be? The man you've loved for 14 years, the father of your children, the guy who's dedicated his life toward your marriage? Or the hot new thing that came along and got you all worked up?

[lkjh]

I've never felt this kind of attraction to another man, I am so confused, did I and this other man cross paths for just work or is it something more? I believe in fate, destiny, and things like that.

 

Do you believe that fate and destiny brought you and your H together and gave you children? When people use the fate thing they are just looking for an excuse to cheat. You are married with children and you need to act like it instead of a school girl with a crush. Also I can guarantee this guy is actually happy with his wife and he is just telling you these things to get in your pants.Don't be so naive to believe that you two have some special connection and SO are not actually right for you. You haven't crossed the line yet and don't let it happen because you will just end up getting hurt. Read some threads on here, so many people lie about not being happy in their marriage but when the s*** hits the fan they throw the other person under the bus to save their marriage and job. When people have real problems in their life they don't just go around telling everyone especially the new girl at work! Don't destroy your M and kids lives over nothing.

[quankanne]

I think I'm leaning toward what the post above mine points out: You're being fed lines becuase someone wants to get into your pants. Forget about him, and keep whatever contact you have with him strictly professional.

 

now, about your marriage. I don't think you're as miserable or bad off within your marriage as you might wonder with this new guy in the picture – your husband just looks kind of worn and shabby (like a favorite stuffed animal from your childhood) compared next to this shiny, bright toy you've got at work. And at this point, you really need to start looking into marriage enrichment programs if your husband is dragging his feet about counseling. Both are meant to give you the tools to learn to communicate more effectively, thus building a stronger relationship. I think once you two learn to reconnect, Shiny Bright Guy is going to lose his luster.

 

don't ever torture yourself by pursuing a relationship with someone because he's not like the relationship you've been in for so long. You owe it to yourself to try to freshen up what you have now, and if that sincerely doesn't work, then move on to the next step as a single woman so that you can start over fresh. Because if you're not happy, there isn't a man in this world who can solve that problem, even though you might be telling yourself that.

[Reggie]

I don't think you should cheat on your husband. We all meet people we are attracted to all the time. Your situation is not unique. You are not abnormal or anything. Everyone deals with this. Tell your husband you need to go to counseling. If he still refuses, go yourself. If the marriage does not improve, tell him you are considering getting out.

Then if you decide to leave, you will have a clear conscience.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband was thinking of doing to you what you are thinking of doing to him?

[soda]

]I've never felt this kind of attraction to another man, I am so confused, did I and this other man cross paths for just work or is it something more? I believe in fate, destiny, and things like that. Would I be happier without my hubby? What about my kids? I don’t want to hurt hubby's feelings either, but sometimes I feel I am treating him unfairly he's a good hubby in some ways. I need some REAL advice and not criticism, please--thank you.

 

If you are confused, tell your husband that you are in love with another man, and that you have crossed the line with that man.

 

I am not being mean here. I am being honest. You need to be honest with your husband, too. He may not want to work on the marriage, and he may set you free, which makes your choice easy.

 

Just by telling your husband, I'll bet the OM won't seem so attractive anymore.

[soda]

]\ I believe in fate, destiny, and things like that.

 

Everybody I've ever known who's cheated has used that line.

 

My STBXW is living in a cash by the day motel room in the seedy part of town because she "believed in fate and destiny." Do you really want your life to turn out that way? I got the kids, the house, and all of our friends. It will take YEARS for my W to dig her way out her hole.

 

Is this really want from your life?

 

The OM is just feeding you lines in order to screw you. If you're willing to buy into it, you are running to risk that your husband will let you make the same decision with your life.

 

You came here because you are at a crossroads. Make the right decision. Tell your husband, and deal with "fate."

[Lucky_One]

Personally, I call "Bullshlt" on them being separated for the past 2 years.

[In Like Flynn]

This guy is definately "Chuming the Water" to see if your interested. And you are....the fact that your married doesn't seem to bother him. Definately a quality human being. You can always tell your self the same things other wayward's do....the kids will be fine after the divorce, Husband wasn't meeting my emotional needs, I married too young etc etc.

 

I guess the only difference is that you seem to realise you are walking into the quick sand and are hesitating...but it sounds like you want to jump in but don't want to hurt you husband and kids. Well you can't have both....one way to stop all this is to tell your husband about your feelings for the OM and that will keep the spotlight on everything. Cockroaches....I mean cheaters scurry back into the cracks in the wall when you focus the spotlight on them....they prefer the darkness.

 

Your definately testing the cheating waters.....you soiled your family home by bringing the OM inside and were alone with him....it sounds like you wanted to see if he would make a move and were disappointed he did not.

 

Remember this moment when you could have stopped this and stopped the destruction of your family.....all for what??? Being a booty call for the OM because his wife is not providing it????

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. You need to be honest with your husband, too. He may not want to work on the marriage, and he may set you free, which makes your choice easy.

 

2. Just by telling your husband, I'll bet the OM won't seem so attractive anymore.

 

1. I second this. If you are at this point in the marriage you have a choice: work on it, or leave it. You may as well leave it. You will both probably be better off. At least your husband won't have a wife who wishes she was with someone else. It is better to be alone than have someone stick you in the 'obligational' category. Let him go so that he can find someone who will genuinely love him and help him provide a more stable environment for your kids. That way you can free yourself up to date and live it up as a 'single' girl again.

 

However...

 

2. I can bet you a large amount of money that as soon as you tell OM you are free, he will dump you. It may take a couple of weeks, but he will probably start backpedaling when it becomes apparent that you are a threat to his status quo. As it was, you were married - 'safe'. If you split and become single, then he will have to work to keep you at a certain distance. Most people don't like 'work' in their affairs, so they simply end them.

 

You need to weigh your options here. Which man is the better overall? Which one would be by your side if say... you got cancer and needed around the clock care? It may seem silly to think in such drastic terms, but hey... I found it out firsthand. My husband was the better man all along, and still is. Screw that 'soulmate' and 'fate' crap. Think hard about what is really important to you. If you dig deep down, I think you'll find that Mr. Fate is 99% false hope and wishful thinking. You have made him into the man you wish your husband could be.

 

I think if you tell your husband, maybe that will be a wakeup call for you both and it will shock you both into trying to recover what it was that made you want to marry in the first place. Regardless of change, it is still there. It is only a bit dim in comparison to Mr. Fate right now.

[Al_Bundy]

]\Okay, I've been married for six years, in the same relationship for 14 and we have two children 5 and 12. I have never felt an attraction like the one I do now to one of the owner's of the company I starting working for about a month ago.

 

It all started the day I met him, our eyes met and it was like Yowzah, I could tell he found me attractive and I fell into his blue eyes; plus he is very intelligent and powerful. However, he spoke of his wife so I thought nothing else of it. I mean I could tell he liked me and made comments about my appearance and my brains etc. We work pretty closely together as he is my coach/trainer (we are in sales) and we've been alone in the car and at my house even, but never a move made by him or me. He always talked so fondly of his wife and told stories about her etc. I figured they were happy--not so. He told me a week or so ago that he and his wife have been separated for two years and they are "dating" and she is his "best friend". They have a son together and have been married about five years. I have a feeling they got married because of their son since he is four and a half. It seems she has moved out and he is getting ready to sell the house. I feel he doesn't want this since he always talks about her, I sense he is attracted to me, but is because he is vulnerable right now?

 

So now, this makes things WAY more complicated. I love my hubby

 

I don't think you do if you want another man.

 

 

However, I am not the same person I was fourteen years ago. I never thought I would ever get a divorce especially because of the kids and both my hubby and I come from broken homes. We've had our ups and downs, a couple years ago I tried to get my hubby to go to counseling but he said "no" because it leads to divorce

 

I've never felt this kind of attraction to another man, I am so confused

 

What does that mean when people say they are confused? I think it is a way of saying, "I'm confused, therefore its not totally my fault" so as to deflect responsibility.

 

Its easy, you have the 7 year itch 7 years too late and have been with the same man forever. Gets boring right? So you want the excitement of being with someone new. Someone who, no doubt, is also married.

 

 

did I and this other man cross paths for just work or is it something more? I believe in fate, destiny, and things like that. Would I be happier without my hubby?

 

yes, but then again, you probably won't be happy with any man after too long a period of being together.

 

 

What about my kids? I don’t want to hurt hubby's feelings either, but sometimes I feel I am treating him unfairly he's a good hubby in some ways. I need some REAL advice and not criticism, please--thank you.

 

What about the kids? Don't know, you tell us. You are the one willing to destroy their home and their father over your silly schoolgirl infatuation.

 

sounds to me like you want to divorce to get a new man. So do it. Its not fair to your husband to stay with someone not knowing his wife wants another man. So divorce your husband, get your married man to divorce his wife, and move on. And since this is your selfish desire, give custody of your kids to your husband if he is able to have custody and wants it.

 

Do right by him and set him free to find happiness with someone that doesn't get the 7 year itch.

[Gzus]

Unsure21, dont be a cheating whore wife. Seriously, if you do that, you'll lose all self respect, all your husbands respect, kids respect (when they get older, they'll find out) etc. Furthermore, you'll end up losing your job and ****ing everything up for you family. Think of your kids. Dont get all caught up in 'your' feelings and what 'you' want. Put your kids/family first. That is called personal responsibility and self discipline.

 

If you want to do this guy or date him, then tell your husband. that's the ONLY classy move- then he can move on and not be deceived by the one person he's supposed to be able to trust.

 

And I guarantee you this guy's not telling you the whole truth. He's wanting to see if youre willing to have an affair and **** him regularly. If you are, he's winning on both sides. He gets to have his wife/family and a **** buddy. If you arent willing to do that and want a committment from him, he's not going to be willing to give all that up for you.

 

I promise. And the 'fate' **** is a line. Jesus you are a grown woman and you dont realize that?

[Unsure21]

For all the comments opinions, but there's alot I left out. First, I have asked him to stop smoking pot and cigs, but he refuses or cannot. Second, he was emotionally unavailable for many years and still is at times. He rather play guitar and video games than say help me clean the garage. I feel it is unfair for me to EVERYTHING while working, going to school, and taking care of the kids. I have asked him for more help and he will, but sometimes it leads to arguments and the blame game which leads to more hurt feelings so to avoid this I will grin and bear it. And like I said before, I have asked for marriage counseling. I feel I cannot leave him because I will devastate him; I am the only one for him. I do love him for that and we are great friends.

 

The OM IS getting a divorce, he announced it in front of the other people I work with today at training. He also said he is totally attracted to his wife still and doesn't want the divorce--just like I suspected. However, I wonder if this is why he is so attracted to me and giving me extra attention. I don't know if he is the man of my dreams or not, I just wonder why the huge attraction between the both of us. I know same say that destiny and fate is bullcrap, but I believe things happen for a reason.

 

My husband is now joining a band which means we will be seeing less of each other and put more distance between us. Yet, I support him 100%--it's his dream.

 

One commenter said I want to be a single girl again, not so. I have friends that are single moms and their life is hell. Also, I grew up w/o a Mom so I would never in a million years leave my children. Why do u think I stayed in this relationship 14 years???

 

I just want happiness, and I know in order to be happy, I have to be happy with myself. Which I am working on and I have to say I am pretty happy with myself. I just wonder if there isn't something more out there that I am missing.

[Gzus]

Pot and cigs arent a big deal. Cigs are an addiction, he maybe needs help with. Most people cant just 'quit' smoking. Its as addictive as heroin. Pot should be legal anyway. I dont get the big issue.

 

But honestly, you should have this very conversation with your husband. Tell him you are prepared to leave if things dont change. Let him have the chance to change things.

 

If he's in la la land, maybe he needs a wake up call. But cheating on him just will make you the bad guy and rightfully so.

 

Do you really think its wise to get involved with a man who's in the middle of a divorce? A man who is your boss? What possible foundation would you have to build on?

[Unsure21]

It might not be a big deal to some about the cigs and pot, but to me it is. We've gotten in fights over him having to have a cig when we are out because most places you can't smoke and he can't wait. He quit cigs for over three years and as for the pot, maybe that's why he as NO ambition to help out or get his business going, plus I don't like it around the kids and it's a waste of money. He says he wants to quit, but never does. I mean he could lose his job over it and if something happened while he was driving his company vehicle he would be screwed too.

 

I don't think these are reasons to divorce him, but it adds to my unhappiness in the marriage. He knows how bad I hate the smoking and pot like I said before, it only leads to more arguring.

[lkjh]

I don't think these are reasons to divorce him, but it adds to my unhappiness in the marriage. He knows how bad I hate the smoking and pot like I said before, it only leads to more arguring.

 

 

They aren't reason to divorce but they justify you wanting to cheat? Look you need to learn to communicate with your H, you can not tell him you are fine with him joining a band and then use that as a reason to be mad at him. People are not mind readers you have to tell them whats wrong and what their options are.

[Unsure21]

How can I not support him?? He always lets me do what I want, go back to college, pursue my career. I'm not saying he was HELPING me, but he never said no. He is so excited about joining a band one of his life dreams. That would be unfair.

 

I'm not planning on cheating, I just wanted opinions and feedback since I have no one else to talk to. People think we are the "perfect couple" and family--appearances can be misleading huh?

[Reggie]

You need to try to find a way to get counseling. I know what you are facing in that regard as my XW had total disdain for the concept. She ended up having multiple affairs.

Look, the communication between you and your H sucks. Get some help. Put a gun to his head if you need to.

[In Like Flynn]

Curious if you were/aren't thinking about cheating then why did you invite a man that you are attracted to into your family home without letting your husband know and then get disappointed/shocked that he didn't make a move on you?? Come on now!!! Don't overestimate this attraction you think he has for you....I am sure has has all the women pegged in the office and noted that you find him attractive and also picks up that you are a easier and more willing mark than any of the other women he has dropped the hints to. He srops some compliments to you and you now believe he is head over heels for you and not just horny do to nothing going on at home.

[Mr. Lucky]

The OM IS getting a divorce, he announced it in front of the other people I work with today at training. He also said he is totally attracted to his wife still and doesn't want the divorce--just like I suspected. However, I wonder if this is why he is so attracted to me and giving me extra attention.

So the OM is working on saving his marriage to the wife he's still attracted to by...flirting with you? And you're don't believe in divorce and are working on strengthening your marriage by...focusing on your attraction to him?

 

What am I missing here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[In Like Flynn]

Were not trying to be mean just trying to knock you over the head.

[Owl]

Agreed...go back and re-read your first post, Unsure.

 

What does that sound like to YOU?

 

You were asking what you should do...and you've been given advice.

 

This is simple.

 

Not easy...but simple.

 

You're either faithful to your H, or you're not. You're either married...or not.

 

If you want to be married...stay married. If you want someone other than your H, and are considering doing something about it...divorce.

 

Simple...not easy...but simple.

 

At the end of the day, does your H deserve the sheer emotional devestation he would feel from you cheating on him?

[Gzus]

Really, pot is no big deal to most people; and your assumption that it causes people to lose ambition and be burnouts is a bit too broad a brush. I make 6 figures annually, uphold all my responsibility, work two jobs and smoke daily (usually). For me, its simple stress relief. I am a much calmer and nicer person after I smoke when I get home. Im high strung, so its really therapeutic. Cigs are a really tough addiction, like I said, that he is going to need help with to quit.

 

All in all, dont look at these as 'reasons' to justify cheating on him. Those things may be annoying to you, but they arent anywhere near as damaging as cheating.

 

Surely you know this?

 

The OM is bull5h1tt1ng you big time. He loves his wife and is attracted to her but wants to screw you?

 

Yeah, thats the kind of man you really want to get involved with and breakup your family over.