Do You Disclose to Subsequent Suitors?

[Reggie]

Just wondering how an OP handles this if they get into a new relationship. I started dating a bit again, and, I can't believe the number of women I've met that have been OW's at one point in their lives. A few want to continue to date but I'm pretty sure I don't want to because of this. Remarkably, none see it as a big deal or red flag.

So, I was wondering if ,for a former OP, this has interfered with dating prospects or marriage prospects. How soon do you disclose and what has been the reaction? Thanks.

[Owl]

I'm a fBS, but from my perspective, I wouldn't honestly expect someone to come out and admit that they'd been an OW...especially not anytime early in the dating phase of things.

 

MAYBE if things had progressed to the point of talking about marriage or whatever...

[Reggie]

Yeah, not too early on, I agree. But, if attachment starts to form, I think it best to be upfront.

[Adunaphel]

I do disclose, to both friends and potential partners, as I do not feel like having been, or being, an OW is something I should hide, and if I feel the need to hide something from someone they are not the right people for me to be friends with or to date.

It also helps weeding out people I would not date myself.

 

What about you, Reggie? What is your story? You started a couple of interesting threads that suggest that you are either trying to study closely OP's or stuck up somewhere on an high pedestal, freezing yourself off in the chill autumn wind.

[Terminator]

I don't disclose anything that doesn't impact on them.

[Reggie]

Not sure of my motivation. I've been divorced a little over a year and pretty much feeling better. It was a rough ride early on, especially the gaslighting stage.

I'd been married once before and had two boys, one severly disabled. My first wife began drinking and doing drugs after he was born as well as a series of affairs. She , basically abandoned the boys and me to pursue these other guys. Her sister implored me to divorce her and I raised my boys alone for quite sometime.

I met my second wife a few years later. She was younger than me by 16 years. She kept asking me to teach her golf, a sport I play professionally. We liked each other and dated for about 6 months when she became "accidentally" pregnant.(I was told later by her friend it was no accident). But, I loved her and wanted to marry her. So, we got married and had two more kids.

But, soon after the marriage, things started to change. She began spending all kinds of money we did not have. She'd bounce checks, steal from our kids' tuition fund, buy all types of clothes for herself that we could not afford. Long story short, she'd rage, verbally abuse, give silent treatments, etc. She fit 8 of the 9 criteria for BPD.

Discovery of her last affair was a blessing for me. I had had it by then and it provided a concrete justification for ending the marriage, something I should have done much earlier if I'd had the balls.

Her affair partner lasted about 2 years before she discarded him after she moved out. He is a simple guy, dumber than a rock and I'm sure he does not know what hit him.

I guess I feel sorry for him, as he was used(he paid her attorney fees). I sort of look at him as epitomizing what I see in a lot of OP's. He was used and manipulated(not that I was not).

I question the OP's thought process. Not the serial OP's that are doing this recreationally, but the ones, like this guy, that really think things will workout longterm. It's like they cannot look down the road and see how stacked the deck is against them. That's why i asked this question, I guess. I would expect that having been an OP might make it difficult to meet someone even if the OP has reformed. Maybe not, though.

[jj33]

Not sure of my motivation. I've been divorced a little over a year and pretty much feeling better. It was a rough ride early on, especially the gaslighting stage.

I'd been married once before and had two boys, one severly disabled. My first wife began drinking and doing drugs after he was born as well as a series of affairs. She , basically abandoned the boys and me to pursue these other guys. Her sister implored me to divorce her and I raised my boys alone for quite sometime.

I met my second wife a few years later. She was younger than me by 16 years. She kept asking me to teach her golf, a sport I play professionally. We liked each other and dated for about 6 months when she became "accidentally" pregnant.(I was told later by her friend it was no accident). But, I loved her and wanted to marry her. So, we got married and had two more kids.

But, soon after the marriage, things started to change. She began spending all kinds of money we did not have. She'd bounce checks, steal from our kids' tuition fund, buy all types of clothes for herself that we could not afford. Long story short, she'd rage, verbally abuse, give silent treatments, etc. She fit 8 of the 9 criteria for BPD.

Discovery of her last affair was a blessing for me. I had had it by then and it provided a concrete justification for ending the marriage, something I should have done much earlier if I'd had the balls.

Her affair partner lasted about 2 years before she discarded him after she moved out. He is a simple guy, dumber than a rock and I'm sure he does not know what hit him.

I guess I feel sorry for him, as he was used(he paid her attorney fees). I sort of look at him as epitomizing what I see in a lot of OP's. He was used and manipulated(not that I was not).

I question the OP's thought process. Not the serial OP's that are doing this recreationally, but the ones, like this guy, that really think things will workout longterm. It's like they cannot look down the road and see how stacked the deck is against them. That's why i asked this question, I guess. I would expect that having been an OP might make it difficult to meet someone even if the OP has reformed. Maybe not, though.

 

So basically you are looking at us, most of whom are posting here for support, to confirm your theory that we are dumber than rocks and cant see the road in front of us?

 

And so what is the point of this thread? To confirm your fondest wish that we are punished for the affair by never having a serious relationship with a single person?

[Adunaphel]

Thank you for sharing your background, and I apologize for having been quite b*tchy in the last part of my other post. Now that I read where you came from, I realize that you were not being one bit judgemental.

You sound like someone who would make a very good partner and I hope you will soon meet someone worth dating and very different from your exes.

If I may, I would suggest giving a chance to women that have been the other person at some point (that is, if they look otherwise like great ladies) - it might sound trite, but not all OW are the same (just like not all women, and not all men, are the same ).

[Lucky_One]

I told. Being in the EMA hurt me badly and gave me a sometimes skewed view of romantic relationships, and I had a hard time trusting. I felt it was important for the man I was dating to understand why I act the way I sometimes do, and to give him understanding why honesty and openness is so important to me.

[Reggie]

Yes, I am mulling that over. I am a big believer that our characters are not set in stone and that we learn and grow from our mistakes. I am very cognizant of the fact that I've done many things in my life that I regret. When I was younger, still in good shape, playing college basketball, an older married woman that I worked for kissed me and i let it happen. I knew her husband, a good guy, and her kids but I still let it happen. And, I have never disclosed that to anyone, so maybe I am a hypocrite.

I've read exhaustively on this infidelity stuff this time around and, I guess not surprisingly, I see recurring themes despite all of our individual differences.

In BS's I see denial a lot, which is understandable, both as a defense mechanism and a desire to hold onto an illusion.

In Ws's I see them running as hard as they can to escape having to face having compromised their values. They do such hurtful things like blameshifting, history re-writng and gaslighting that it must be tough to turn around and look at it.

And, in OP's I see both similar denial and running. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it seems the OP thinks the outcome in their situation will be different and that their behavior and that of the Ws is justified in this particular instance.

Ah, what fools we mortals be, eh?

I finally learned this lesson at this advanced age:no one is reponsible for the quality of one's life but oneself.

[stampdaddy]

It has been something that I am VERY afraid of.. I mean, how do I explain the last 4 plus years of my life? Make it 4 1/2 to 5 before I can think about dating... That is over a 10th of my life hidden away in a box until "the time is right"?

Makes me sad to think about

[Owl]

I'm thinking that at the beginning of things you simply say "I was in a relationship with someone for just over four years, but it turned out she wasn't really available or willing to invest in our relationship as I thought she was.".

 

Later, if you're ready and willing to commit to this other person, its probably best you admit the entire truth before it goes further...so that they know it before hand, and it doesn't come up later as a lie by ommission and bite you in the tuckus.

[Terminator]

It has been something that I am VERY afraid of.. I mean, how do I explain the last 4 plus years of my life? Make it 4 1/2 to 5 before I can think about dating... That is over a 10th of my life hidden away in a box until "the time is right"?

Makes me sad to think about

 

Why do you have to explain it?

 

You were living your life, that's all they need to know unless you feel like disclosing it.

 

That and the fact you're not married or in a relationship NOW

[Reggie]

Stamp, I will say this, three women I've dated told me this about themselves. Two of them just blew it off, did not feel it was wrong in the least. I had no interest in them.

But, the third told me about the work she had done, the therapy and the self reflection. I respected that and did not write her off.

Occupying that spot as an OM so long has to give you some insight into having some stuff to deal with. I think in most cases it's a self esteem based thing. I'd stay out of the dating pool and start working on that issue with a good therapist.

I stayed in an abusive relationship for a long time, much longer than any healthy person would have. Therapy is really helping me, I think.

[Reggie]

If you get close enough, I'd bet there will be an inquiry. It's a big chunk of your life. A person considering a relationship with you would want insight into your values and our past behavior provides some of the information in that regard.

[stampdaddy]

"yeah, I was head over in heels in love with the most beautiful girl in the world, and she was with me as well. BUT, she was married.. I knew people got divorced, and I just thought maybe I showed up early and that they would dissolve. I was always being told that they were. And now that I look back, it was usually when I started to get antsy and want out, when those promises would come. Hind site is kicking me in the tail, cause one thing really sticks out: Christmas 2005, when I gave her something that she had always wanted, a beautiful Bombay Chest, a HOPE Chest, she called it.. She promised me that we would never have another Chriistmas apart.. well, 2 more have gone by and now it is a lifetime of Christmases apart..." So, can I get you another drink??

 

Well, if I didnt have self esteem issues then (which I thought I was a pretty confident, cool and caring man), then I sure as sh*t will now...

 

Thanks for the advice..

[Owl]

Hey...mine was well meant.

 

Just tell them up front you were in a long term relationship that didn't work out.

 

If things get serious...be honest.

 

That's really all there is to it.

[Island Girl]

Why do you have to explain it?

 

You were living your life, that's all they need to know unless you feel like disclosing it.

 

That and the fact you're not married or in a relationship NOW

 

 

I couldn't agree more. I never discuss past relationships and I don't want to hear about his either.

 

A person responds to the person and circumstances of each relationship differently that is why it works with this person not with that one, etc.

 

Life experience changes all of us as we go and we become different as well.

 

All of that past dictates who is sitting there with you - those experiences have grown and shaped that person. That shaping may make them just perfect for you -- not just anyone - but you.

 

If past failure was ANY indication that a person can't have a fulfilling relationship -- we would ALL be deemed undatable!

 

How many relationships have you had that are now over? And it doesn't really matter why. In fact, it could be a different reason each time, couldn't it? Whether you ended it or they did, etc.

 

Maybe the OP was lied to initially and throughout the affair. Maybe they didn't know there WAS a marriage or found out after they were roped in by a manipulator.

 

You can't tell how someone is going to be with you by how they were with someone else.

 

Better just to get to know a person and let them get to know you and go from there.

[Lizzie60]

Just wondering how an OP handles this if they get into a new relationship. I started dating a bit again, and, I can't believe the number of women I've met that have been OW's at one point in their lives. A few want to continue to date but I'm pretty sure I don't want to because of this. Remarkably, none see it as a big deal or red flag.

So, I was wondering if ,for a former OP, this has interfered with dating prospects or marriage prospects. How soon do you disclose and what has been the reaction? Thanks.

 

 

Huh?? why would I disclose.. my past is my past.. it's no one else's business.. so no questions .. no lies..

[stampdaddy]

Hey...mine was well meant.

 

Just tell them up front you were in a long term relationship that didn't work out.

 

If things get serious...be honest.

 

That's really all there is to it.

 

I hope I didnt come across defensive, OWL.. I DO appreciate all advice.. Just a tough thing to think about right now.. Back to the Boobie thread:p

[NewSunrise]

We are all a sum product of our upbringing and life experiences. Rich, poor, in between, we ALL have excess baggage.

 

The emotional remnant of the BS lasts just as long as one who has been emotionally abused. The BS move on, but trusting someone is an ongoing challenge.

 

Timing when to tell is a judgement call. If the R becomes serious and the BS still feels some remote apprehension, might be a good time to disclose. Chances are, the person you're with may have experienced the same.

 

It would be interesting however, if the person you're with did the actual cheating and what might be their response. Would they freely share it while you are disclosing that part of you? Would they actually come clean when asked if they've ever cheated on their mates?

 

IMO, you might as well consider your R over if you're going to lie about your cheating history. Unless of course, you and your partner are only in it for sex and have no other expectations.

[jj33]

Stamp, I will say this, three women I've dated told me this about themselves. Two of them just blew it off, did not feel it was wrong in the least. I had no interest in them.

But, the third told me about the work she had done, the therapy and the self reflection. I respected that and did not write her off.

Occupying that spot as an OM so long has to give you some insight into having some stuff to deal with. I think in most cases it's a self esteem based thing. I'd stay out of the dating pool and start working on that issue with a good therapist.

I stayed in an abusive relationship for a long time, much longer than any healthy person would have. Therapy is really helping me, I think.

 

Reggie doesnt that really say it all? Everyone or most everyone has things in their past that are not perfect. People make the best choices they can at the time. Most people dont go out of their way to make really bad choices.

 

But sometimes people fall. The question it seems to me is how do they pick themselves up again. Who are they today.

 

And being an OP is not necessarily a mark of low self esteem - look at Lizzie and OWoman they are happy with their choice. It works for them. You may not agree with it on a moral level but it isnt a sign of low self esteem.

 

And then there are the success stories like GEL and others. These people werent making bad decisions. Their instincts were right. They had found someone who with whom they could have a future and now they do.

 

Would it have been better if the MM waited until he was separated to date? Perhaps but that is a value judgement. The fact is they werent deluded when they made the decision to go into the relationship.

 

Some relationships work out and some dont. Some people spend years in bad marriages - is that a red flag- that they stayed in a bad marriage for so long?

 

There is the obvious religous and moral taboo associated with adultery. But I think its too wide a generalization to say that it speaks volumes about a person's character and is a red flag. It may be, but IMO its no more of a red flag than many other "socially acceptable" red flags.

 

It sounds like you have been through the mill. I hope it gets easier for you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

In future I will always just be honest & admit I have been an OW. Honesty is the best policy - why should I hide anything? Everyone makes mistakes, we are only human, every situation is different with regards to affairs. If someone could not accept me because of that then its their loss, they were obviously not right for me.

[Reggie]

Yes, I agree it may not be a mark of low self esteem, particularly in the serial types, like Lizzie. But, in Stamps case he really put up with some second class treatment for a long time(as did I in my marraige).

Having low self esteem is not a character flaw or a moral defect. Typically it's the result of a tough childhood. Nice thing about this particualr problem is that it is very treatable and can get better. And, typically, but not always, it results in more harm to oneself vs to others(although , as in an affair, it can pave the way for a lot of harm to others.)

I totally agree that everyone has things in their past which they regret. But, in this area, when contemplating an exclusive relationship or looking for something with that potential. it makes sense to disclose it.

I'm sure there are some success stories where relationships formed viaan affair last. I've read they are rare due to mutual trust issues and the true identity masking effect inherent in an affair(seeing the partner only at his or her best and without the day to day stresses etc.)

I guess , for me, it would be important to know about, just as I would want to know about many other things from the past that have a bearing on integrity. I'm not saying it would be a dealbreaker but it would make me cautious.

[jj33]

Im not sure it does. I think it depends. I would be far more curious about whether someone cheated on their spouse or significant other. Noone makes someone cheat on their spouse. WSs make that decision themselves. They are the ones with the vows they are the ones who look outside their marriage for attention and whatever else rather than working on the marriage or deciding to leave.

 

There are all sorts of "bad" choices a person can make in choosing a potential partner. But choosing to get certain needs met outside of a marriage and doing it behind someone's back says a lot about how someone handles conflict disappointment etc. or whether they are so insecure that they simply need attention and validation from more than one person.

 

I understand youve been terribly hurt and you would not want to get involved with anyone who had any part in hurting someone the way you were hurt. But its not always so black and white.

 

I think in many cases it says more about the OWs expectations for themselves and their lives than it does about their morals. That in itself may be more of a red flag than the morals issue.

 

When someone stays in an affair that brings them a lot of pain and anguish and sucks it up just to breathe the air the MP breathes so to speak, that says a lot more to me than the fact that she took up with someone who was married. I know many of the BSs reading this will feel differently.