Cohabitation

[manugeorge]

So, I never thought I would ever find myself in this situation and now that it has cropped up, I'm stumped.

 

First of all, I never believed and still don't believe in cohabitating before marriage because well, I don't want to live in sin(thank my catholic upbringing for that). But I am a cafetaria catholic like most and I tend to pick and choose which rules to abide by and which ones to conveniently ignore.

 

And now my boyfriend has brought up living together. For love, for convenience and for getting to know each other better. We are both in our late twenties by the way, independent with fulltime jobs. I automatically said no because well, I don't want to live in sin. But then I started thinking about it objectively and I can't come up with many reasons why I'm opposed besides that one fact.

 

Some say, why by the cow when you can get the milk for free. I simply don't get that logic.

 

Some people say, well, it'll suck separating your lives if you break up. To which I reply, we'd be getting a 2 bedroom apartment, with each person paying their own bills so it'll really just be like having a roommate. If the agreement ends, then you move out. How hard is that?

 

Some say you'd get sick/bored of seeing each other all the time. To which I reply if we were married, we would be just as bored and sick and of seeing each other all the time so what's the point?

 

So I ask you all, pros, cons, who has done it? why? how did it work for you? does it work for anyone? is it a horrible idea?

 

p.s. I probably still wouldn't do it because the guilt will just be too much, my parents will freak and I don't even want to open up that can of worms. Yes I know, I'm a grown-up but still....

[Garbo]

I have read that living together makes it easier for both parties to back out of the relationship or not commit to marriage because of the ease of getting out of it. Also, it's easy to not take marriage seriously. After all, if you are already living together when you get married, what is different? What about marriage makes marriage so special if you have already been living together? These are theoretical questions...I'm not asking you directly.

[JamesM]

There are many pros and cons. And you mentioned the biggest one which will weigh on your mind....the catholics (and most if not all Christian beliefs) consider it living in sin. And that is because sexual relations are for marriage.

 

The fact is...if you have been having sex with him on a regular basis, then there is really no difference in living in the same house and doing it or living separate and doing it when you get together,

 

Seriously. I do not condone cohabitation for any reason.

 

As for other reasons....statistics that have been done show that couple that cohabitate divorce more often than those who simply get married and then live together. And if you do break up, the pain IMO would be greater if you have lived together than if you hadn't.

 

Getting to know one another slowly without cohabitation seems to be better than to begin cohabitation as a way to get to know one another. Couples that start with sex on the first date or two unknowingly base their relationship on sex more than on friendship. Many relationships that start as friendships last longer.

 

I am not going to argue one way or the other for you, but you will have to weigh the pros and cons together. The reasons that you say your BF give do not seem to be good enough IMO.

 

Convenience? Save gas or so that you do not have to go out to get to know one another? I am not certain what is convenient about cohabitation.

 

Love? Love is more than feelings. It is a major commitment. And cohabitation is a huge step in that direction. Playing house is not a game.

 

Getting to know one another? Actually, getting to know one another through dating is a better way to start. Cohabitation is a crash course, but education works better if it is done in smaller steps than if it is done in the "pile on" method. Theoretically, if you are engaged and know you will get married, then it may be practical financially.

 

Just my opinion. And no, I am not a Catholic. But I am a Protestant. FWIW.

[ianandris]

The pros are obvious, in my opinion. The cons are definitely a little more elusive, but they are there.

 

The living in sin bit, for many people, is a really big deal. If you honestly feel like it's morally wrong to do something, you shouldn't do it. Crossing moral boundaries makes it easier to cross other moral boundaries, desensitizes you from the effect of crossing moral boundaries and diminishes the power that morality has on your life, in your life, and consequently makes it much more difficult to be a virtuous person (virtue being the state arrived at when you live with integrity to your moral system). I'm not suggesting that you're going to lose all moral sense. That's ridiculous. But there is a difference between someone who has a higher sense of moral obligation and someone who believes in the amorphous concept of "just being a good person". The difference isn't always readily apparent, but it is there. There is a certain depth, a strength, which comes from exercising restraint, sacrificing what you want for what you believe to be right that just can't be obtained any other way.

 

In fact, that really is the primary reason, IMO, not to do it. From a practical standpoint, it makes a whole ton of sense to cohabitate. If it weren't for my moral and religious convictions, I guarantee I wouldn't have a problem with it. I guess what it boils down to is how important is religion to you? (religion being defined as a way of life rather than, say, a hair color)

[quankanne]

I've only ever "lived" with one guy, my best friend from college. And we DEFINITELY weren't romantically involved, so it was a nice experience. We had our own bedrooms and bathrooms, shared living areas (kitchen, dining, den) and got along pretty well. My dad wasn't happy when i first told him (I was what? All of 21 and the baby of the family) but I assured him that no way in hell was I up to no good with this guy, and offered to leave a copy of the housekey with him so he could visit unexpectedly and see for himself. And it worked out well, from all aspects.

 

like you, my good Catholic conscience just wouldn't allow me to play house with someone. At this point, some 20 years later and knowing what I know now, I still wouldn't cohabitate with a romantic partner, that'd just be too weird, and like a previous poster said, I'd be wondering just how solid the relationship was if there was no real commitment past a joint lease on the place.

[ianandris]

I've only ever "lived" with one guy, my best friend from college. And we DEFINITELY weren't romantically involved, so it was a nice experience.

 

Not trying to derail the thread or anything, but why is it that women are so emphatic about not being romantically linked to a guy they consider a platonic friend? I mean, some of them get downright forceful about it. I mean, it's not very respectful to the guy at all. Especially one you consider a good friend.

[quankanne]

I guess for me, because the two don't mix. Men are either friends or they're potential bedmates. Because it gets messy otherwise. And in this guy's case ... eeewwwww! It'd be like trying to bang my twin brother :sick:

 

besides, women need a "safe" male friend to help them walk a straight line. Close male friends are invaluable with the advice and insight they dispense, and sometimes are the deciding factor in how you pick up the pieces of a broken relationship.

[manugeorge]

Good points all around. Thanks

 

Religion is important to me but then again not so much in the sense that I don't go to church and I disobey way more biblical rules than I do obey. But all around, I try to be a good person, treat others like I would like to be treated, etc.

 

So if I'm already having sex with the guy, sleeping over for days at a time and all that stuff, isn't it then hypocritical of me to turn around and say I don't want to live in sin?

 

Besides the "living in sin part", maybe a part of me also fears giving up my independence and letting someone else be privy to my SSBs- "secret single behaviors":o. If you live alone, you know what I'm talking about. But on the flip side, we have talked about marriage and tried on last names, so if we do get married, he will eventually find out just how much my poo stinks up the whole apartment:laugh:.

 

He mentioned convenience because we are an hour away from each other now and frankly the trek to his house is not always fun, on weekdays, I have to get up at the crack of dawn just to make it to to work on time which is why we only see each other on the weekends.

 

Anyway, I'll still probably decline cohabitation just for the fact that I'm hesitant, even if I'm not exactly sure why.

[Isolde]

See, the issue here isn't the sex, it's the whole emotional aspect of living with someone 24/7 that you feel should be reserved for marriage. If your BF wants so badly to live together first, it kind of sound like a clash in value systems to me. However, it should be work-through-able.

[ElTigreBlanco]

While I've never actually lived with some one who I am interested in romantically, I can say that I would probably not marry a person who I had not lived with, unless it was an extreme clash with her moral values. I have seen many relationships ruined or close to ruined because people have decided to move in that have not been ready to do so. My girlfriend and I have decided to take this aspect of our relationship very slow, for obvious reasons. She as well would never marry or even get engaged with a person she hasn't been living with for at least a year. As you can see neither of us are particularly religious.

 

My personal feelings are that you should have sex with a person, live with a person, travel with a person, fight with a person etc., and through all of it be head over heels in love with a person before you marry them. If you are going to promise to spend the rest of your life with only one person, you better damn well know what you are getting yourself into. I know a lot of people will disagree with me, and there have been some good points made against cohabitation, but for my two-cents, there they are.

[BlueHarvest]

I guess for me, because the two don't mix. Men are either friends or they're potential bedmates. Because it gets messy otherwise. And in this guy's case ... eeewwwww! It'd be like trying to bang my twin brother :sick:

 

besides, women need a "safe" male friend to help them walk a straight line. Close male friends are invaluable with the advice and insight they dispense, and sometimes are the deciding factor in how you pick up the pieces of a broken relationship.

 

I don't see this as being true.

 

There are many relationships I know that started of as friends and went to something more.

 

On the flip side, I don't know many guys that are your "safe" buddy that don't NOT have an interest in their female friends. Acquaintinces are different from friends.

 

You might have a safe male acquaintance, but not a friend. Unless he's genuinely gay. That isn't meant as a slur or anything just telling it how I've seen it. Male Friends are nothing more then people who like you that hope that the friendship becomes something more. It does make sense though, during that time they have to become a friend first before they can move on to the next step which is a boy/girl-friend.