Author Garbo Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Lucky One, I had to think a minute to figure out what "R" meant in your post. : ) ( don't get out much) My relationship is very good I think. His kids like me a lot. The younger one always wants me around. They are the sweetest and most beautiful children I know. I am involved with most of their activities with their dad. I probably could make a scrapbook from all the pics I have. They are not brats, obedient, I do love them, but the fact is, I know that if I stayed with this man, I would want his baby. Because simply...he is a wonderful dad, and I would want to share this with him. It sucks.
manugeorge Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I feel for you, this kind of stalemate is annoying. Do you wait to see if he changes his mind or do you move on to someone else who wants the same things that you do? I personally would give it more thought. Is it about the man or is it about marriage and kids? i.e., do you see yourself being happy with him even if you never got married or have kids together? Or do you see yourself resenting him down the line if these things never occur? These questions, if answered honestly, lets you figure out if you want to stay or go. And I don't think there are any wrong answers either, it's all about what you want for yourself and what you want for your life. You're 38, this is not really the time to be waiting to see if/when he will change his mind, 5 years from now? 10, 20? Never? how are you really sure of that? If you don't see yourself happy in the longterm with the current status quo of your relationship, I say, pack up and get the hell out of dodge. Who knows, he may even come after you or he may not. In certain cases, love is not enough.
Author Garbo Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Thanks, manugeorge. He lives in my building very close, which is not the ideal situation for a breakup. I think I would be resentful in the long run. Why? I was involved with a man for many years who could not have children and also said he did not want them. Years ago, I was fine with that. Then my mind changed, and I started talking about adoption; unfortunately, his mind didn't change. He still didn't want kids, and I was resentful.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 As a matter of fact, he point out told me last night he "can't" talk about marriage with me. Whatever that means, all of this pretty much puts me in a place I'd rather not be. It sounds to me as though, post-divorce, he feels he's had the marriage and the kids and doesn't want to repeat that -- at least not right now. I know these are not the answers you wanted to hear, but I applaud you for having the conversation, and him for giving honest answers. It sounds like it's going to take some soul searching to make a decision. I wish you all the best with it. I'm curious to know what you decide, once you make a decision, if you feel like letting us know.
Author Garbo Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Ruby Slippers, I will keep you all updated on what happens. I am dreading today and the weekend because I don't know what to do...call him? I don't know what to say to him right now, except "what's the point". I have my ringer off because I don't want to know if he is not calling me. Thanks so much for the responses and advice because it has been very helpful in me making some moves.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Hon, if you need some time to yourself to think about all this, that is perfectly OK and healthy. It's smart to look out for yourself, and it sounds like that's what you're doing. I imagine I'd feel the same way in your position. I'd probably want some time on my own to think it through rationally. Be true to yourself! That inner voice doesn't lie.
Konfuzion Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I feel for you 38 is a hard age for a woman that wants children but doesnt have the marriage, best of luck to you on this one.
Mary3 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 His answer is not good enough after being together with you for over a year. At his age he needs to be able to make decisions about where the relationship is going. You need to question him further what he means. Tell him that at 38 you do not have time to waste. Ask him what "committed to our relationship" means to him. Be prepared to tell him what it means to you and that includes "marriage and babies" and at 38 you can't wait for years and also tell him that it definitely means way more than a "probably" on the having children issue. I like this answer best
Author Garbo Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 When I asked him what he meant by "commited to the relationship", he said something like "if you don't know, it must not mean much to you". Update: Last night, he texted me "I can't talk about my feelings right now." I texted back "Neither can I". I had my ringer off all night because I didn't expect to hear from him again last night. I wake up in the morning with about 5 texts that went something like this: 1. I left a note on your door about how I am feeling 2. You must be preoccupied and don't care about my feelings 3. Forget about it. I've taken the note down. I guess you don't care. 4. Who are you with? I called him this morning to tell him I had my ringer off and didn't appreciate him thinking I was with someone else because we are still technically together and because of what was going on. I asked if I still get the note, and he said "If you want it". I know the note thing seems immature. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, so he did the note thing once before when we had a fight. I guess he feels he can express himself better when he writes it down.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 It looks like communication is breaking down a little. When I asked him what he meant by "commited to the relationship", he said something like "if you don't know, it must not mean much to you". That is not communicating. Your question was perfectly reasonable. Those words mean very different things, practically, to different people. 2. You must be preoccupied and don't care about my feelings He seems to jump to conclusions and "cross the street", making erroneous assumptions about your feelings and thoughts. That is a bad habit he needs to break. I know the note thing seems immature. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, so he did the note thing once before when we had a fight. I guess he feels he can express himself better when he writes it down. I have found the same thing. Men I have been with who struggle with expressing themselves out loud, on the spot, are usually much, much better in written form.
Lucky_One Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Ok, even though he is behaving a bit erratically, I actually find this encouraging. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have 1) texted so much 2) written you 3) jumped to wrong conclusions or 4) gotten jealous. (I am not big into a lot of jealousy, but I do think that a small amount of jealousy can be healthy and can lead to strong workable boundaries for couples.) Like Ruby, I think some guys do better writing than talking. Men don't tend to be as verbal as women, and writing gives them a chance to put their emotions down in an orderly neat fashion with nothing being left out. He obviously still wants you to know his feelings, so he will still give you the note (even though he has to add in an "aside", just so he doesn't look like he's begging you - ouch male pride). Let us know how this plays out.
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