Made a big mistake

[SilverLining]

I was dumped by my fiance a couple months ago. Since then I have been going on dates and moving on with my life. Well, suddenly I started feeling really emotional and I started missing my ex a lot, and besides the fact that I haven't had sex since we broke up, I decided to bootycall my ex. He agreed to it and we ended up being together last night. The whole time, it felt so weird...we have done the breakup get back together thing for about 5 and a half years, and I have never felt so much like we were strangers as this time. Suddenly all of those feelings I had for him came rushing back and I felt overwhelmed. I spent most of the time trying to either hold back tears, or trying to cry so he wouldn't see. As he was driving me home, I finally broke down and told him that I still loved him so much, that he is and has always been the most important person to me, that I was sincere when I said I wanted to marry him and that I was so hurt that he never explained to me why he wanted to break up after all of this time. He told me that it was because he didn't feel appreciated, and even though when he mentioned it to me things got better, he was upset that he even had to say anything to me. I told him that I can't read his mind and it is unfair to expect me to just know things. He said that I could be difficult to talk to, and when he explained how, I told him that I knew I could be and that it was something I wanted to work on to change. He said that he thought I would never change, but he had never given me a chance to change. Finally, as we pulled up to my door, I apologized for hurting him and told him that I wanted to work on our problems and stay together because nothing was more important to me in the world than us. And he told me he didn't feel the same for me anymore.

 

I have a hard time reconciling myself to the fact that it's really over. I don't know how I can go on. I had all of these dreams, and they all seem hollow and meaningless now.

 

I guess I'm just looking for support. I feel so upset and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.

[HopeDiesLast]

God those are the worst words to hear. You say you want to work on things and he responds with he just doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. i feel your pain, Silverlining.

 

The only thing i can tell you is that there isn't much you can do. I search and rack my brain for things i can do, or say. Ways i can show him that we can make this work...but ultimately you can't change the way a person feels about your or your relationship. That has to be something that comes from him. Its taken me 3 months to realize and accept that its over. Even now sometimes i still scheme to come up with a form of contact.

 

The truth is.....you have to let him go. You can't torture yourself any longer. You have to stop talking to him, stop trying. You want the effort to come from him. You want someone who WANTS to try. and he just may not....it may just be over. As hard as it is to hear that, even for me, its the reality of the situation. For right now, i think distance is your best bet. It will help you get away from that which causes you pain. and it will help both of you to just think on your own.

 

IF/WHEN he gets in touch with you and shows you he'd willing to try and work on things....then you'll have your second chance. But you can't force that and you can't say or do anything to convince him. Its such a crappy situation, and you feel powerless and hopeless....but what choice do we really have? sometimes second chances never come, and we can hope all we want. But i think in situations like this....the only thing you can do to get a second chance is take some time to grow on your own and same for him. (thats stolen advice from one of my own threads in the Coping section btw!)

 

Its gotta get better. Because things are the way they are, they won't stay the same. Vent all you want here. If no one else listens, i will! Our situations sound very similar....so take solace that you're not alone in this.

(((hugs)))

[SilverLining]

for your reply! I haven't really had any contact with him since the breakup - I went through my 30 days already - so I do know that the worst thing to do is to talk to him, and even worse is sleeping with the guy. I have had two longterm relationships and I haven't felt this way about anyone, ever. I just don't understand how he could walk away from me without even trying. I suppose I don't get to understand. I told him that I understood we were better off apart because he didn't value me or our relationship enough to try to make things work, and he said he didn't agree with that. Well, then what are you doing? You say you don't feel the same way anymore, you walk away from an engagement and from me even though I told you I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to make things better for you...to me that sounds like you didn't value what we had!

 

I didn't think I would suddenly feel so much for him. I've barely been able to function today. I sent him an email stating that I would like him to please consider working things out - we don't have to talk about marriage or future plans, we don't need to rush back into our old relationship...just spend some time with me, maybe once a week so that we can build some trust and work on things a little. I don't think he will answer favorably for me, but until I get an answer I have to hope a little. The thing is...he has broken up with me before, and each time he says he isn't sure he loves me...we end up getting back together and then he's back in love. Maybe this relationship is doomed, maybe there is nothing anyone can do, and if that is the case, then I will have to just deal with it. I know there have been mistakes made on both our parts, but there were so many good things too. If he doesn't want to work things out with me, how serious could he really have been about me in the first place?

[HopeDiesLast]

I actually did the same thing- i went my 30 days nc and then broke it to say i needed to talk. at first he was reluctant then told me to call him one night after work. i did and i got it out there that i really thought we both made some mistakes and that it was workable if he wanted it. but i couldnt make him want to try. he gave me really vague answers. i told him he would have taken the opportunity if thats where his head was at. so its obvious hes not at that point. i said it how you did, spend a little time together, take it slow. maybe talk once in a while- and he couldnt even give me a straight answer. it was like i wasnt talking to the same person.

 

it hurts alot. and since then its been about 3 weeks that i have dropped off the face of the earth. no talking to mutual friends, DEF. no talking to him, nothing. i just want him to see what its like when im gone. and maybe you're right- maybe this just isnt meant to be. but only time can tell that.

 

i think you're looking for an answer from him, but he may not give it to you. hopefully you are prepared to hear an answer you don't like. i know i was, and i was still disappointed. the truth is that we can try all we want, but until someones really ready on their own, theres no point. maybe he will come back again. and maybe not. but let him do it by himself after this.

 

i also dont think that it wasnt that he wasnt serious in the first place. i think alot of people think they know what they want and when it gets there they realize maybe they arent ready for the reality of a situation or its really not what they want. it started to go down hill for us when my ex went to buy me a ring. he told me he freaked out and called the lady at the jeweler to sell it back. i almost died when he told me that. but sometimes when the idea meets reality- it really hits you.

 

there isnt much you can do in terms of helping the situation. it sucks and its hard, but you gotta try to let him go. let him figure himself out. you dont want to pressure him anymore or try to convince him- do you really want a husband you had to convince to marry you? let him come to you so you know he's genuine.

[SilverLining]

I think that there is a lot of wisdom in that. I definitely don't want to pressure him into being with me. But at the same time, we've been together for 5 and a half years and I know the guy pretty well. I know that he's frustrated and I know that he wanted to make it work and got burnt out. I also know he has trouble communicating with me and that he cares for me. I know he seriously did want to get married at the time. And I know that if he gave it a chance, he would fall back in love with me and we'd be good for another few months...when it would all come crashing down. Either we need to part ways forever, or we need to figure out a way to fix things forever. If he doesn't want to work with me, then I know I need to move on because I can't be with someone who isn't committed to being with me. If we can't handle these small issues how can we handle kids? Jobs? Relocation, etc? There's just no way. It has to be 2 people together putting on the overalls and getting down into the dirt or it just doesn't work. At the same time...I know that if I lose him, I will be losing my best friend, my family, and my lover...and pretty much the best thing I have ever had in my entire life. I'm desperate to keep this going, but obviously, it isn't my call. I just hope I will have the strength to move on after he breaks my heart again.

[HopeDiesLast]

Its hard because sometimes we believe we know the person so well- and their actions just make no frickin' sense. i know what my ex wanted- a future, a life together. And then he just panicked! I agree with you that maybe they are frustrated and burnt out in their own sense. and yes, mine too has trouble communicating sometimes. its like i have to pry it out of him cus he cant articulate what hes feeling. but he knows that if he wants to come back he can. he knows how you feel. you put yourself out there....the best thing you can do is back off. if and when he's ready- he's gotta find you. and even with the communication issues....he will be able to text, email or pick up a phone and just say, "can we talk?" if he had the courage to communicate the break up, he will have the courage to communicate a second chance (or 3rd, or 4th, whatever).

 

sometimes i think we try to convince ourselves that we have to be the ones to help them express that they want a second chance. bc they have a hard time communicating.....so we try to put ourselves out there and make it a bit easier for them. but it seems to me in both our cases, they had just a fine time communicating wanting to be apart.

 

i think the best option is to back WAY off and just let it happen on its own. its gonna be hard to let it go....but you have to, ya know?

 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this too.

[0hpenelope]

I can't even imagine what you're going through. A broken engagement... that's really rough. I'm sorry...

 

Here's another perspective as well about "seeking answers": sometimes, there might not even be one. He might give you the straight up truth and yet, you'll find that you can't reconcile yourself with it.

 

Sometimes, you may have to stop looking for a reason. There's no answer he can provide that will make you okay, I think. We've only got ourselves to do that for us.

[jolie78]

your situation i exactly like mine. for a long time, before we broke up, i continued to argue with my ex about how wrong he is to feel unappreciated...no wonder it ended the way it did. the fact is, talk is cheap. maybe he really did not feel appreciated, and right now, maybe he thinks you're talking and promising only because he's gone. you seem desperate to him right now. deep down, he may be still hurt and it may be too much talking on your part. i despise myself for talking so much instead of listening.

 

if he did feel unappreciated, maybe take some time on your own to see if you were doing anything inconsiderate. take some time and, with a clear mind, re-evaluate the relationship. was he more attentive than you? was he, whether intentionally on your part or not, taken advantage of?

 

i think it's fair if he wants space now, if he did get hurt during the relationship. and if you truly love him, maybe you could use this time to reflect and make some changes on your own. in a bit of time, if you guys still share a bond (and after 5 years, i'm sure a month or two won't take away that bond), you can maybe start hanging out again. and if you did change, he'll see it. you won't have to tell him about it or put it into words. it will be obvious. and then you can go from there.

 

that's easier said than done, of course, but that's what i'm trying to do. there's no guarantee that things will end up the way we want. and if they don't, it may hurt like hell. but i also think the anticipation of it hurting like hell is actually worse than the hurting itself. in the end, regardless, at least we tried, at least we were humble enough to self-reflect and become a better person from it, and that sure beats moping and wondering 24/7.

 

did you know giving advice to others on this forum has been very therapeutic for me too?

 

*hug* i hope you'll be okay.

[jolie78]

sometimes i think we try to convince ourselves that we have to be the ones to help them express that they want a second chance. bc they have a hard time communicating.....so we try to put ourselves out there and make it a bit easier for them. but it seems to me in both our cases, they had just a fine time communicating wanting to be apart.

 

ain't that the truth.

[SilverLining]

Well, I won't deny that I hadn't been appreciating him as much, but there was a reason for that - I caught him exchanging flirty emails with a coworker, and he went over to her house and lied about it to me. He was carrying on this flirtation, and when I found out and tried to break up with him, he flipped. He got us into counseling, he did everything he could to keep the relationship together. He followed me around and sent me flowers and begged and cried and told his family and he got into trouble at work and it was just this big mess. It really screwed up my trust in him. But see, he liked the feeling of flirting with someone, even if he never really intended to date her. It made him feel special. But the thing was, I never really ignored him or refused to do nice things for him. I think it was more the thrill of the new. I finally forgave him, and things were fine, except for the trust issues and my being upset. He proposed after awhile, and things seemed to go back to normal. Then one day he tells me that he thinks I do not do enough 'acts of love' for him. Now, a week before he has been telling me how wonderful I am and how happy he is to be engaged to me. When he tells me this, I think he is trying to break up with me, and he tells me that is not his intention - he just wants to talk about it. I calm down and I agree with him - I needed to move past being angry and do more. So that weekend, I'm doing more. We go to the counselor and my ex tells him that he's fine and happy, everything is great, things got better after we talked. I go back home, and don't see him for 4 days. He is acting distant for 3 of those days, and when I next see him, he breaks up with me. I ask him to just give it a month, he agrees...then 2 days later he calls and says no. I ask him to think about this and then meet up at the counselors and I make an appt - he doesn't show. Finally, I get him to agree to think about it for a week, and I make an appt for 2 weeks later to give him more time. He goes to the appt, tells me he doesn't want to work it out cause he thinks I can't change, but I tell him that it isn't fair to tell me that things can't improve when he hasn't even given it a chance! He says he wants to think about it. He finally says it would be alright to go on some dates and move slowly - but then calls me later and says no, he just wants to break up. I ask him to break up with me in person and I go over to see him. When he sees me, he tells me he wants to take a few days to think about it AGAIN! We decide we will meet over the weekend. But when I get there, he doesn't answer the door or his phone, and I go home. He's been avoiding me ever since, except for the booty call. When I put it down like that, he sure seems like an ass. But he is always wonderful until he wants to break up, and then he is a complete jerk. The thing is, he cheated on me - maybe not physically, but he still betrayed me - and I forgave him and I tried to work on the relationship. And when it's me who needs forgiveness and help, where is he? And what am I guilty of? Not reading his mind? I honestly didn't know when I was doing something wrong, and when he told me I was right there trying to fix it, immediately. Isn't it more important to be with someone who is willing to be there for you and to work on things? And when he says that I can't change, it just seems like he's been waiting for me to magically turn into a perfect person where there are no issues or problems to resolve. That isn't reality. Even if he meets someone else, there will always be issues.

[HopeDiesLast]

silverlining- i agree with you on the idea that there will always be issues if he meets someone new. here's what i got from this all- this guy has no idea what the hell he wants!! hes gotta be 100% sure of any decision or move he makes next. now maybe its that he needs time and space and to do his own thing....but he's gotta figure out which way he wants to go.

 

its not fair to you to be up and down and up and down....its craziness. of course hes gonna be great till he breaks up with you- thats the way it goes. but can you really keep doing this with someone who is so hot and cold about you and the relationship?

 

i think the best thing you can do is let him come to his own decision. do not try to influence him, dont go over there or email him again, dont call or text. just let him do it on his own. i think sometimes it hard for people to make a decision when they know that it might hurt the other. but could you live with yourself if this guy decides to stay with you because its too hard for him to break up with you? no way. you dont want that....correct me if im wrong!

 

leave him be for a while. let him make up his mind about where things are going for HIM. and make up your own mind about where you want things to go for YOU. and if hes the one who approaches YOU about it....deal with it then. leaving him on his own will also let him know how its going to be without you there all the time....and if thats something he can deal with. You'll be able to cool off and talk rationally after awhile too.

 

hope things work out for you....this isnt gonna be easy but its gonna be worth it!