Polite way to say no to "Can I get you a drink?"?

September 24, 2008

I broke up with someone quite recently, and I have committed to being single for at least a year. I have hardly been single my whole adult life, and I have some things I want to accomplish on my own before I get involved with a man again.

So, a couple of times when I've been out with a girlfriend recently, guys have approached me with a little conversation and the "Can I get you a drink?" line. Maybe I am not using the right line back, but a couple of them have not appeared to take my "Thank you, but no" too gracefully. One of them pressed me for a reason, and I explained I was just out for a fun night with a friend. Of course, he insisted a drink with him would certainly add to the fun, so I went on to tell him I just ended a relationship and really just wanted some girl time. I mean, he was cute and charming, and I would have been happy to chat with him for a while, but I knew it wasn't going anywhere, since I'm not looking for a relationship or a fling.

Is there a more effective way of declining without being rude? I hate their sad little puppy dog looks.

September 24, 2008

I have a boyfriend.

Always works for me, but then I get "it's ok I'm not the jealous type" to which I say "yes but he is"

September 24, 2008

Wow, I am so naive it didn't even occur to me to lie. This forum is my worldly big sister.

September 24, 2008

Is there a more effective way of declining without being rude? I hate their sad little puppy dog looks.

Yes, there is:

"Actually, I could do with some cash right now, so if you just give me the money....."

September 24, 2008

"I'm fine, but thanks for asking." If they're insistent, then tell them, "How 'bout I let you know when I need a refresher."

September 24, 2008

Reply with:

It's okay. But thanks though.

September 24, 2008

I'd smile and say "no, thank you". I think prompting for a reason is rude and inappropriate. If they insist, just repeat "no, thank you".

September 24, 2008

I have a boyfriend.

Until you get the response, I just asked to buy you a drink, have a dance, ect.. I didn't ask you to marry me!

September 24, 2008

Just say, "No, I'm ok, thanks"

Sounds very polite to me. Anyone who'd give you a puppy dog face to that response is just weird.

And anyone that would press for reasons why is probably not worth talking to anyway.

You don't have to grant every weirdo an audience just because you don't want to be rude.

September 24, 2008

Are you sure you're not plagued with mean face when they ask? We don't always notice it, but sometimes our facial expressions say more than our words. But is it a fair tradeoff? If you smile too hard and look too friendly when you say no, they're just going to take it as interest or attraction, especially after a few drinks. If you give them *mean face* they should take it as disinterest, but you'll bruise an ego.

The nicer you are the harder they try. And even "I have a boyfriend" might get you "so why are you at the club if you have a man?" And then some guy eyeing you the rest of the night to see if you indulge someone else.

Not everyone reacts the same way to having alcohol in their system. I think it's a matter of deciding which is worse.

Now, the thing that worked the best was saying "I'm with her." There was NEVER any argument with that one! (Well once, but it was funny.) However, just make sure you're not in a place most likely to be filled with homophobes... or lesbians. It was hilarious at first, and actually worked flawlessly. But my luck with that one was bound to run out eventually. lmao

September 24, 2008

If you smile too hard and look too friendly when you say no, they're just going to take it as interest or attraction, especially after a few drinks.

I think I am being too friendly, smiling too much, or giving off too much of a vibe when I say no, thanks. I'm friendly by nature, and in spite of my commitment to remain single for a year, of course I'm still drawn to cute men! I have also noticed that the "not available" status seems to draw them like moths to a flame.

I think the "I have a boyfriend" line is a good one, but I have a real problem with lying (even little white lies!). I'd rather be honest and let them deal with the tiny rejection than lie.

Now, the thing that worked the best was saying "I'm with her." There was NEVER any argument with that one!

I thought about that, but I think that might invite unwanted comments or encourage them even more. haha

September 24, 2008

I think I am being too friendly, smiling too much, or giving off too much of a vibe when I say no, thanks. I'm friendly by nature, and in spite of my commitment to remain single for a year, of course I'm still drawn to cute men! I have also noticed that the "not available" status seems to draw them like moths to a flame.

I think the "I have a boyfriend" line is a good one, but I have a real problem with lying (even little white lies!). I'd rather be honest and let them deal with the tiny rejection than lie.

I feel the same way. And I also went through a period of saying "I don't have time for anything at the moment" which was true, and having guys ask me "BUT WHY" instead of just taking a number I never planned to call. I don't go out of my way to tell tall tales, but whenever I'm asked if I'm married I just say "yes" and keep going.

As for the club scene, I just stay away from it. Aside from it getting old, boring, and stale... there's just no easy way around it.

I thought about that, but I think that might invite unwanted comments or encourage them even more. haha

LOL, I thought the same thing at first. But we were in a bind, and a creepy guy wouldn't leave my friend alone. SO I walked up and said "she's with me." And generally speaking, guys are so incredibly shocked that they don't keep trying. The facial expressions were priceless. Only one person didn't believe me, or at least dared to question it.

September 24, 2008

As for the club scene, I just stay away from it. Aside from it getting old, boring, and stale... there's just no easy way around it.

One was my favorite jazz club, a really classy place that is like some form of church for me. I go for the music and wanted to take my friend, who just moved here. Of course, there are cute musicians all up in there (tempting for me, as I'm a musician, and gravitate toward them). I don't think it's a big pickup scene, but I guess the rules change a bit with two women unaccompanied by men. Most of the times I've been there in the past, I was with my ex. The other was a bar with really great martinis and prices. I definitely needed a post-breakup drink.

September 24, 2008

Oh, I can relate. I found a couple of rebound guys in a lounge before. Fun while it lasted, sloppy when it ended. I've just gotten to a non-dating phase of, I really don't want to be bothered. My eye has been caught twice since my monstrous break-up, but I've been in hiding for the most part this time around.

A bit of a scrooge if you will. LOL I give everyone "mean face" now, though I've been trying to get out of it.

September 24, 2008

I'd smile and say "no, thank you". I think prompting for a reason is rude and inappropriate. If they insist, just repeat "no, thank you".

Just say, "No, I'm ok, thanks"

Sounds very polite to me. Anyone who'd give you a puppy dog face to that response is just weird.

I comletely agree with these responses, and as a man, I would appreciate a simple, polite truth. But then again, I don't think I'm the type to be obnoxious and continue to push it after a clear "no thanks..."

I think the "I have a boyfriend" line is a good one, but I have a real problem with lying (even little white lies!). I'd rather be honest and let them deal with the tiny rejection than lie.

While I don't object to little white lies if it's someone approaching you cold (I don't really feel you owe a stranger any strong duty of honesty, especially at the point where he is trying to insert himself into your personal life...) I think it speaks to the kind of person you are that you want to keep it simple and honest. Again, as a man, I would appreciate that, and try to be classy enough to back off graciously and gracefully.

September 25, 2008

I think it speaks to the kind of person you are that you want to keep it simple and honest. Again, as a man, I would appreciate that, and try to be classy enough to back off graciously and gracefully.

Thanks. I think I am going to stick with the approach I have been using. They're men -- they can take it.

September 25, 2008

I always say, "Thanks, but I like to buy my own drinks," which is true... and it tends to nip followup questions in the bud. And if they ask why i just say "I just do but thanks for the offer - bye!"

Tada! You can still be yourself and still be assertive. Even when I'm single and on the prowl I don't let guys I don't know buy me drinks because then I feel an obligation to talk to them. And if a guy pressed me any further I would tell him that too.

Honesty is the best policy in my opinion - assertive honesty served with a smile!

September 25, 2008

I broke up with someone quite recently, and I have committed to being single for at least a year. I have hardly been single my whole adult life, and I have some things I want to accomplish on my own before I get involved with a man again.

Good for you. If you truly feel that way then go with it. I'd only tell you two things:

Don't totally close the book on love for that year. You never know when suddenly someone new will come along. Better to attempt if it feels right than to regret later when you're ready to date.
Unfortunately too many women I've seen have used the "I want to be single for a while" excuse when they really didn't mean it, so we men now think it's total BS when we hear it. I know I do. Maybe you're 100% honest, but if it were me, I'd think you're not interested and you would probably be accepting drinks and dates from someone else next week.

I only say that because it's happened to me several times...hence why guys will get persistent as opposed to believing you.

So, a couple of times when I've been out with a girlfriend recently, guys have approached me with a little conversation and the "Can I get you a drink?" line. Maybe I am not using the right line back, but a couple of them have not appeared to take my "Thank you, but no" too gracefully. One of them pressed me for a reason, and I explained I was just out for a fun night with a friend. Of course, he insisted a drink with him would certainly add to the fun, so I went on to tell him I just ended a relationship and really just wanted some girl time. I mean, he was cute and charming, and I would have been happy to chat with him for a while, but I knew it wasn't going anywhere, since I'm not looking for a relationship or a fling.

Again, this goes back to point #2 I made before. Women all over used it so much as a phony excuse to send a guy away that we believe it's a message for us to try harder, not politely step away.

Is there a more effective way of declining without being rude? I hate their sad little puppy dog looks.

I think you did fine. I don't know any other polite way to handle this. I would give you a few tips though:

If you really don't want to get hit on, then try to make those nights out to places that aren't full of pickup artists. Whenever I knew women who honestly did want to remain single, they would keep running into this problem because their favorite spots were meat markets and trendy places full of single guys looking for women. I've told them as well to try the lounges, wine bars, and off the beaten path spots that won't be full of guys looking for women. That or different activities.
Don't doll yourself up too much. Again, I get a kick out of these same women who want to remain single and not date or have sex or anything, but they'll dress themselves all up to go out. Yes it's a confidence boost, but it also paints a big target on them. A woman out in her "hottie" clothes is only sending the message she wants men checking her out and the better ones hitting on her. Get relaxed, look more plain, and you'll probably not have as many guys on you.
Be antisocial. When I'm at a bar or party, the women I won't try for or talk to are the ones who stay in their tight-knit pack of friends and never come up for air. They won't make eye contact with anyone, nor go to the bar or bathroom alone. Some guys just try anyway, but most won't if they see you're not giving them any openings.
Lie. Yes it's immoral, but a white lie won't hurt. Say you have a boyfriend, or mention the vacation you just got back from with him somewhere early in the conversation. Maybe toss on a wedding band if you think that'll act like guy repellent. Pull out baby photos or something. Make it look like you have red flags.

It's not going to ward off 100% of the guys, so you're going to unfortunately have to put up with all this. Hopefully this will help a bit.

Good luck on the personal journey.

September 25, 2008

I always say, "Thanks, but I like to buy my own drinks," which is true... and it tends to nip followup questions in the bud. And if they ask why i just say "I just do but thanks for the offer - bye!"

While it is a good suggestion, that is also not true (for me). If a man wants to buy me a drink, fine by me.

September 25, 2008

Don't totally close the book on love for that year. You never know when suddenly someone new will come along. Better to attempt if it feels right than to regret later when you're ready to date.

I will be open to making friends, and if one of them wants to wait till my single period is over to try to date me, more power to him. It wouldn't be the first time.

If you really don't want to get hit on, then try to make those nights out to places that aren't full of pickup artists.

I don't mind getting hit on. I just don't want to give them the impression they stand a chance of getting a date or a bonk. I know I can avoid certain places, but I'm not going to put my life on hold and sit in the house to keep men away.

Don't doll yourself up too much. Again, I get a kick out of these same women who want to remain single and not date or have sex or anything, but they'll dress themselves all up to go out.

I don't put on many airs. Comfortable yet flattering clothing appropriate to the venue and a touch of hair and makeup, which is generally my look for everyday, business, and going out. I only really kick it up for hot dates, or, yeah, when I want to attract male attention. I was pretty dressed down on both of these evenings.

Lie. Yes it's immoral, but a white lie won't hurt.

As discussed previously, I don't like to lie and avoid it whenever possible.

Good luck on the personal journey.

Thanks.

September 25, 2008

I had a horrible experience recently after a guy offered me a drink at a concert. I politely declined, and he carried on, "it doesn't have to have alcohol, I'd get you a soda", to which I replied, "I'm really not thirsty, I would like to watch the band now, thank you".

After the show, I ran into this guy on the escalator to the train station. He made a big scene about how I was the girl who wouldn't let him buy a drink. He had this theory that it was all because I thought his friend was better looking (which was true).

When I told him I had a bf, he continued saying that I was making it up to get rid of him. I said, "well, if that's what it takes to get rid of you, I have 2 boyfriends". He got on the train behind my friend and I, and the whole way home, he played this self pity act. He got off at the same stop, and I was petrified he'd follow us home. Fortunately, he walked the other way, but I kept my eye out the whole way.

I don't think this answers your question at all, but thought I'd share it anyhow.

September 25, 2008

I had a horrible experience recently after a guy offered me a drink at a concert. I politely declined, and he carried on, "it doesn't have to have alcohol, I'd get you a soda", to which I replied, "I'm really not thirsty, I would like to watch the band now, thank you".

After the show, I ran into this guy on the escalator to the train station. He made a big scene about how I was the girl who wouldn't let him buy a drink. He had this theory that it was all because I thought his friend was better looking (which was true).

When I told him I had a bf, he continued saying that I was making it up to get rid of him. I said, "well, if that's what it takes to get rid of you, I have 2 boyfriends". He got on the train behind my friend and I, and the whole way home, he played this self pity act. He got off at the same stop, and I was petrified he'd follow us home. Fortunately, he walked the other way, but I kept my eye out the whole way.

I don't think this answers your question at all, but thought I'd share it anyhow.

That's just rude. You politely declined his offer. That should be that. Aren't you glad you didn't accept? Can you imagine his response if you decided you wanted to talk to other people?

September 25, 2008

Pulling a knife out usually works for a girl I know...

September 26, 2008

I always say, "Thanks, but I like to buy my own drinks," which is true...

While it is a good suggestion, that is also not true (for me). If a man wants to buy me a drink, fine by me.

Wait, you started the thread by saying you wanted to be single for a year before getting involved with anyone and asking how to politely turn down men who want to buy you drinks. Now you are saying if a man wants to buy you a drink, it is fine by you. Are you refusing all drinks from all men, in which case you do prefer to buy your own drinks (at least, you do at this time in your life), or are you only refusing drinks from some guys and accepting them from others?

September 26, 2008

That's just rude. You politely declined his offer. That should be that. Aren't you glad you didn't accept? Can you imagine his response if you decided you wanted to talk to other people?

Yeah no doubt. Some guys just don't know how to take rejection. What a creeepshow. I actually saw the same guy at another concert the other night, and made a B-Line for the opposite side of the stage. LOL

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Polite way to say no to "Can I get you a drink?"?

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