TotalChaos Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Hello. I'm struggling with something that I'm not sure how to get out of. I'm going to try and give a little background without going overboard. Seven years ago, I met a great guy. We started out as friends in the workplace. At the time I was coming out of a terrible heartbreak in wich I never had any closure. I had a great relationship for a couple of years and then crossed paths with the ex. We talked and then things progressed. Eventually I was cheating on my boyfriend. I was still very much in love with my ex and let emotions get out of hand. I know it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it. After a few times of meeting with him I realized that he's not someone I need in my life. I decided to leave him alone. To this day, the guy still asks friends about me and won't let go. I've done things in this relationship that I'm really not proud of and I carry alot of guilt everyday. Several people have told me that sometimes there are things that are better off unsaid or untold. I've been physically faithful now for 3years, but got caught up in an emotional affair. My boyfriend is the most wonderful man in the world. I know he suspects that I haven't been faithful. I always thought that if he would just come out and ask I would fess up, but he doesnt do that. He waits until he's upset about something and makes snide remarks. My best friend insists that I tell him the truth. A part of me really wants to, although I have no clue how to do it. Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?
Ronni_W Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 There are different schools of thought on it. Personally, I prefer to take my major "emotional garbage" (guilt, resentment, blame, etc.) to my therapist and not use my b/f and other loved ones as my "emotional garbage dump". If you unload on your b/f, will it make HIM feel better about himself and his relationship with you? Or will it just make YOU feel less burdened, more liberated? Perhaps you can arrive at your conclusions if you look at it from those two perspectives? Some people would choose what, to the best of their own wisdom and insight, they think/believe will be best for HIM; and others would decide to do whatever will make their own self feel less guilty, burdened, etc. It's a tough choice. Pros and cons for both arguments, IMO. Think on it, and then just act as close as you can to your own heart and intuition. And once you make your final decision, eliminate the whole thing from your head -- perhaps even perform a little death/burial ritual (for the guilt or the liberation, whatever you decision means you are giving up) or whatever you have to do to let it go completely, and to not let the results of your decision ever become a huge issue for you, again. Sending good wishes and healing vibes.
annieo Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 The best policy for whom? Not for you, surely, as you have been lying over the past many years to this "wonderful" man. But like it or not, he has a right to know the truth about you, whether you want to tell him or not.
RecordProducer Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?Are you happy with this guy? If yes, let it go. You've been faithful for three years now, don't bring the past, unless he asks. I just don't think you're truly in love or emotionally satisfied with your BF. If you're not, let HIM go and find true happiness with a woman who will love him and you find yours with someone whom you will love.
Geishawhelk Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 The thing you have to ask yourself, as has already been implied, is "best Policy for whom?" What would it do to you to confess? What would it do to him? What would it do to you both in the relationship? Of course, unfortunately, two out of three of these answers are hypothesis, because all you can do is base the answers on what you'd hope, not what you'd know. So what do you hope for? And how would you go about getting it?
Trialbyfire Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Yes, honesty is the best policy. While you've been physically faithful for three years, you've also engaged in an emotional affair. Something is missing inside of you. Fix it first or you'll enter into another affair, emotional or physical or both. Look at your feelings of guilt. It's like a ongoing cycle of guilt, then cheating, then guilt, then cheating. The most recent emotional affair, was it to repair self-worth through external validation? Your b/f deserves to know. You can either put yourself first...once again...or put him first...for once.
You'reasian Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Hello. I'm struggling with something that I'm not sure how to get out of. I'm going to try and give a little background without going overboard. Seven years ago, I met a great guy. We started out as friends in the workplace. At the time I was coming out of a terrible heartbreak in wich I never had any closure. I had a great relationship for a couple of years and then crossed paths with the ex. We talked and then things progressed. Eventually I was cheating on my boyfriend. I was still very much in love with my ex and let emotions get out of hand. I know it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it. After a few times of meeting with him I realized that he's not someone I need in my life. I decided to leave him alone. To this day, the guy still asks friends about me and won't let go. I've done things in this relationship that I'm really not proud of and I carry alot of guilt everyday. Several people have told me that sometimes there are things that are better off unsaid or untold. I've been physically faithful now for 3years, but got caught up in an emotional affair. My boyfriend is the most wonderful man in the world. I know he suspects that I haven't been faithful. I always thought that if he would just come out and ask I would fess up, but he doesnt do that. He waits until he's upset about something and makes snide remarks. My best friend insists that I tell him the truth. A part of me really wants to, although I have no clue how to do it. Is Honesty Always The Best Policy? Honesty is always the best policy, despite that it can hurt other people. Take it easy, slowly and tell him about the affair - expect him to be hurt and negative toward you. Let him go so he can decide what he needs to do and wants to go. Best of luck!
mental_traveller Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Is Honesty Always The Best Policy? Best for who? It may not be the best policy for you. However, unless you are extremely selfish, shouldn't it be what is best for *him* that matters? After all, you are the one in the wrong here. If you care about your bf at all, then you should do what's best for him./ Then it's a question of just being honest about the situation. Would he *really* prefer not to know? Most people would want to know the truth. A minority would rather just ignore it and be kept in the dark, but really you can't make that decision for them unless they have explicitly said in the past that they don't wanna hear it if you do cheat. So unless he's explicity stated that, for his sake you owe it to him to give him the truth. That way he can exercise his right to decide how to go forward, from a position of knowledge not ignorance and deception. If you are still in doubt, ask yourself this - if your partner had cheated on you the way you have, would you want to know? Or would you rather be kept in the dark and played for a fool?
You'reasian Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 . If you are still in doubt, ask yourself this - if your partner had cheated on you the way you have, would you want to know? Or would you rather be kept in the dark and played for a fool? ....exactly.
Author TotalChaos Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who gave input on my situation. I believe that everyone will be happy to know that I did the right thing and confessed to my bf. He took it way better than I had expected wich made it harder on me. He kept calm and told me that he knew and asked if I thought he was clueless. I suspected that he knew, but why didn't he say anything? I just don't get it. I'm not sure where we will go from here. He seems like he put it behind him along time ago, but I feel like I need to make a change and find what's missing inside me as someone suggested. I've been in a relationship literally half my life. The short time that I was single I really enjoyed it. I often feel like something is wrong with me, because no matter how hard I try I just can't settle for what I have. Most women would give anything to have a man like I do. Any insite on this from anyone? Thanks again to everyone.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Not everyone is wired to be monogamous. Why don't you stay out of relationships, date whomever you want, and see if it makes you any happier?
marlena Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 You seem to already know that you are not ready for an exclusive relationship. Not at this time in your life at any rate. Maybe one day you will be or maybe you won't. Like TBF said, not everyone is cut out for monogamy. The most honest and decent thing to do would be to set your boyfriend free to pursue a new relationship with someone else while you enjoy your freedom as a single person.
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