Head games

[Steelrain21]

I've had an on and off relationship for the last year and a half. Recently we decided not to talk because I felt she needed time away from me to get over a lot of things I told her the truth about a month ago.

 

She contacted me and said she felt really sad and lonely after a week of not talking and wondered how I did it so easily. I ran into a couple days after that and she seemed the complete opposite. She told me she liked the idea of taking space and told me that if things are meant to be they will work out.

 

The other day I decided that I thought it was time for us to start doing what it takes to get together if we both still love each other. I told her I wanted things to work out.

 

Since then though, I have barely heard from her the last few days, which has never happened while we have been on speaking terms. She called earlier today but I was on the other line and didn't answer and called back 30min later. This time she didn't answer and I am farily sure I will not be hearing from her for the rest of the night.

 

I thought she was perhaps busy at first like I was, but now it seems kind of clear that she's not calling on purpose. I'm quite angry that she seems to be playing such an immature mind game.

 

I feel very disrespected of how I have been treated since I told her I wanted things to work out. I'm thinking of maybe soon giving her a "now or never" option soon here. If she wants things to work then let's do what it takes and if not let's cut all ties for good.

[0hpenelope]

It's this, bro.

 

She contacted me and said she felt really sad and lonely after a week of not talking and wondered how I did it so easily.

 

There's something about how you worded your post. "...we decided not to talk because I felt that..." That part. So basically, it was more of you bringing up that you guys shouldn't talk because you wanted to give her space and she went along with it. That's how it sounds like to me, at the beginning. Not criticizing... just clarifying.

 

She was wondering how you did it so easily... it's because you were the one who initiated the "not talking" phase in the first place. She probably feels that she doesn't mean to you as much as you mean to her. Your actions showed it: she saw that you weren't acting like you were affected by the changes while she was having a hard time with it.

 

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt instead of just going with how irritated you are with her mind games. She went along with the decision to not talk, so if she needs space to sort out your decision to try and work things out... perhaps you should give it.

 

There's nothing more worrisome than this:

 

She contacted me and said she felt really sad and lonely after a week of not talking and wondered how I did it so easily.

 

to someone who cares a lot about you. That you were able to seem so casual to her... it's probably given her a thing or two to chew on in the time that you guys weren't talking. I don't think it's mind games at this point, bro. She might be having uncertainties and that's not entirely all hers. You have made some contributions to that as well, regardless of your intentions and what I'm assuming are good reasons.

 

Just my $0.02. Anyone else?

[Geishawhelk]

I think she's taken you at your word, found that actually, the separation was a good idea, maybe she's realised after the initial jolt that, actually, she didn't feel as deeply about you as she thought and that ok, let's move on.

 

Hey, you started this.

You can't now blame her for deciding she's happy with the arrangement.

She might be happier if you were to agree it's over.

Looks like she may be there already.....

[Steelrain21]

I have an update as of last night. I think we are probably done for good. I was driving back to my house and noticed that her car was parked outside a guy's house that she had recently gotten to start being friends with. She assured me when they first started talking that she was only trying to meet people as friends. I dunno if I believe that.

 

I called and left a voicemail that we needed to talk because her phone was off. She called back later and insisted that we just talked over the phone instead of in person. I asked why I've barely heard from her since I told her I wanted things to work.

 

She replied by saying that she always knew I wanted things to work, even when I was giving her time away to heal. I asked her how she felt and she said that she still loves me but she also loves herself. She says things are too broken to be fixed. I might have taken time and realized I wanted her, but she said she still needed time.

 

She said she likes being single and not getting jealous. I asked what she been up to to keep her so busy and she told me she had only been hanging out with her girlfriend. I told her I seen her car at the guy's house and asked why she just lied.

 

She said she lied because she knew it would upset me. I told her that I didn't deserve this and deserved better and she replied by telling to go out and find someone else if I can do better. I'm thinking I should probably forget about this girl and accept that it's not going to work. It's just really hard after being off and on for a year and a half with a girl who was also my best friend the entire time.

[lofi_tokyo]

Steelrain,

 

I hate to tell you this, but you're the one who ended things, and you cannot blame her one bit for moving on.

 

When you break up with a person, you are hurting them. At first, it stings and hurts like nothing else... you wonder how the dumper could move on so easily. Then time passes, you realize its time to stop crying over someone who does not care anymore, and you start to look at the beauty of being your own person.

 

My guess is, she really was just looking to be this guy's friend at first. Its nice to make new friends after a breakup, it makes you feel confident, and gives you new people to discover, a distraction from being dumped.

 

Over time, one of those friends can definately become someone to love... anything is possible.

 

 

You decided to dump her. You ended things. She accepted it, and has moved on.

 

She may still have feelings for you, and those feelings may last for a long time... but if you hurt her badly enough for her to see moving on as more of a good choice then taking a risk on you again, you can't blame her. You really can't - you ended things. When you dumped her, what did you expect - for her to wait around on you forever?

[Trialbyfire]

I've had an on and off relationship for the last year and a half. Recently we decided not to talk because I felt she needed time away from me to get over a lot of things I told her the truth about a month ago.

 

She contacted me and said she felt really sad and lonely after a week of not talking and wondered how I did it so easily. I ran into a couple days after that and she seemed the complete opposite. She told me she liked the idea of taking space and told me that if things are meant to be they will work out.

 

The other day I decided that I thought it was time for us to start doing what it takes to get together if we both still love each other. I told her I wanted things to work out.

 

Since then though, I have barely heard from her the last few days, which has never happened while we have been on speaking terms. She called earlier today but I was on the other line and didn't answer and called back 30min later. This time she didn't answer and I am farily sure I will not be hearing from her for the rest of the night.

 

I thought she was perhaps busy at first like I was, but now it seems kind of clear that she's not calling on purpose. I'm quite angry that she seems to be playing such an immature mind game.

 

I feel very disrespected of how I have been treated since I told her I wanted things to work out. I'm thinking of maybe soon giving her a "now or never" option soon here. If she wants things to work then let's do what it takes and if not let's cut all ties for good.

The significant parts are bolded in your post. Her feelings and needs don't seem to matter much but your feelings and needs do.

 

This isn't to say she doesn't have issues. She probably does. Right now she's thinking about her feelings and needs. Do you see the parallel?

[Steelrain21]

To clarify, we weren't going out when I said we should take some time apart. I thought the only way she'd be able to want to be with me again is if she seen what life was like without me and she needed to weigh her options. I guess it's totally possible that she maybe turned on the "move on" mode.

 

Part of me still hopes that someday she contacts me and says that she made and a mistake and will do whatever it takes to be with me. I love her and wish there could be a way for things to work but at the same time maybe saying yes if she comes back would only repeat the cycle and I'd just end up more miserable in the long run.

 

It's the hardest thing I've had to do but I think I have to try and move on. It makes it really hard when we both go to the same college in a small town. It'd still be hard but I think it would be better if I wouldn't see her car in the parking lot just about everday and catch glimpses of her walking around campus here and there.

[SarahRose]

Steel, maybe you don't realize it but you were playing the minds games and being sort of manipulative.

 

You thought that by giving her space aka ignoring her for a week would cause some sort of action on her part.

 

She called your bluff and apparently it back fired.

 

Why is it ok for YOU to take time and she is just supposed to accept that but not ok for her to do the same?

 

At lot of your post came off as you making a unilateral decision about the relationship as in you decided the break, you decided try to make things work.

 

I hope you'll learn that a relationship takes two people to make it work and two people to make the decisions.

[Steelrain21]

I guess I understand better now. Once she was just getting on board with the taking time apart to see what we wanted I sprung on her that I wanted things to work. I would feel sort of suffocated too if that was me.

 

I think maybe NC would be the best for right now? I've been thinking hard and deep down inside I really want things to work. Things just seem so broken though and I don't want to cling to false hope. I had asked her the other night if she could tell me what was hope with her and that guy and she got very defensive and replied by telling me that she's single and can do whatever she wants without telling me anything.

 

So who even knows what that relationship is or might become. If we aren't going out I know it's best to not be friends....especially when I still care about her. I think maybe the best thing to do is to put myself in the mind frame that it's done for good and to move on. If down the road I start getting texts from her that say she wants things to work out then perhaps then I can rethink the situation.

 

The last time that I talked to her that I had posted on, we had agreed to end things supposedly for good and not talk anymore. Yesterday, which was only two days since the last convo happened, I got a text from her. We go to the same college and both played soccer this year, except I couldn't this year. They were having games yesterday and today not too far from my hometown.

 

I had told her last week before things got really ugly that my parents were probably going to come and watch the games. The text I got from her said "Hey I just thought of something. Are your parents coming to these games?" I didn't reply. Why would she text something like that when we had clearly agreed to not talk anymore?

[Steelrain21]

Oopps, just reread my last post. I meant to say that I asked her what was going on with her and that other guy.

[superd]

steelrain, I think you are putting up one hell of a good fight, but I think the responders are right here.

[Steelrain21]

I didn't mean to make it seem like I disagree with them, I do see all of the points that have been made and I think they are right. She obviously is not ready at this time to want to be together. She needs her space to live right now.

 

I just don't know how to take that though. I could have hope that after some time she would realize that she does like her life better being with me. That would just make things harder in the long run on me though if she truly in her head thinks that things are never going to work again.

 

She seemed to hint at the possibility of either the other night. She says things are too broken to be fixed, says she isn't the girl for me, and lies about hanging out with another guy. But then she also said that she still needed time and I get that text message from her yesterday. I'm just confused about her mindset right now and what I should do.

[superd]

if she is seeing another guy then you see another girl. Don't get mad, get even.