stampdaddy Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 XXXXX, I wanted to send you a note apologizing to you regarding our phone conversation the other day. You called looking for HONEST answers, and I failed to deliver those to you. I really wanted XXXXX to be the one to do so. BUT, you and I were talking and I should have then. I know by now, that it hasnt been that way, for whatever reason. And now, thanks to you, I know that she told you that she wanted to "work on things" at home AFTER you came to her with your "plan" to divorce. But those things were never relayed to me. I was still being told that you two were divorcing. ALL this time, that is what I was being told. XXXXX told me that she gave you the phone (again, I should have told you when you asked) and I dont need it or anything, just let me know what you need to happen with it. I dont know what all of this means, as far as you and XXXXX go. I know what it means for me. I don't know what she has told you more than she has been in "contact" with me. I am sure she has "minimized" it though, like she has EVERY time. Probably swearing to God again that we havent "seen" each other.... whatever.. I dont understand why she couldnt be honest to one of us.. Tell me that she wants to work on things at home, or tell you that she has decided not to.. I will NEVER understand that.. I am sure that we both would have at least like to have known months ago, instead of being told whatever it was that she needed to tell us, for her benefit only... I will admit that I have struggled to grasp ahold of everything the last couple of weeks, and I have been in a great deal of disbelief. I probably will struggle for a lot longer. I have been hurt by someone I trusted, and cared for and now I have hurt her as well.. I have tried to get ahold of her, but I will stop. I sent her a letter today saying just that.. I am resolute in letting this go, and her fading away from my heart. There is alot for me to focus on repairing here because of her, she did "play house" here. And then there is my son, XXXXX, who YES she did know, and he really cared about her and she stomped on his heart too... (I am sure she left that part out as well..) I know you will never understand where I come from and how I got here (cause most the time I dont either, especially now), and I could never ask you to try, or to forgive. All I can say is that I am sorry and now, walk away...
noforgiveness Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Don't send it. He doesn't want to hear from you and this will not help anyone. Walk away with your dignity. This will not bring you closure.
JamesM Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Don't send it. He doesn't want to hear from you and this will not help anyone. Walk away with your dignity. This will not bring you closure. Ditto to this. I have been reading your posts and story since the beginning, and I think this email is not necessary...or even wanted by him. What is your motivation for closure? Is it for you? Then do not send the email. Is it for him to feel that you are not such a bad guy? Forget it. You lost that feeling from him the moment you forgot him and did his wife. Is it a way to show that you are also a victim in this, and that his wife is the one who perpetuated this whole affair? Forget it. He does not agree. Is it to make him somehow make a better decision regarding his future? Do you think it will help him hear a few more times that his wife is not honest? He not only knows it, but he has to live with it day after day. On top of this, the BS has to deal with the feeling that you are better than him, the feeling that he is a failure, and the list goes on. Every time he is in bed with her, he wonders if she is thinking of you. He wonders if his performance is better or worse. And when she actually enjoys it, he wonders if it is because she is thinking of you or someone else. And above all, he has to wonder every day (if he continues the marriage) if she will cheat again. And if he chooses to leave her, he must wonder what he could have done differently, and when he gets a new wife, he now must carry this slight distrust of her...will she cheat? I agree. Walk away and learn from this.
JamesM Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 A week ago in your thread, you posted that you were through with her. To me this should also mean that you are through with him, too. While he has talked with you a number of times, he also needs to move on. If he gets this email, then it not only opens the already open wounds farther, but it is possible that he will call you again for clarification and just some kernel that indicates that she really lives him more. And this may lead into another conversation that you will have to aplogize for...and send him another email about.
lkjh Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I disagree I think you should send an email but one that is less about you and more about why you are sorry. I also think if he has any questions then you should answer them honestly especially after years of pain the two of you have caused him. Answering his questions is the first good thing Ive heard of you doing! Change the letter though because this one is all about you and that is just sick to send to the H, I highly doubt he cares if you are suffering.
Reggie Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I'd just stay no contact. You hurt this guy very badly and he did nothing to deserve it. I just think the only way you can atone for this in some small measure is to leave him alone and don't hurt other guys like this in the future.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 I'd just stay no contact. You hurt this guy very badly and he did nothing to deserve it. I just think the only way you can atone for this in some small measure is to leave him alone and don't hurt other guys like this in the future. I hear you, thanks... You know what get's me, is that this whole year plus that he has known, he has thought that MY exwife had an affair on me, and that is why I am divorced.. ***cause, this is what MW todl him, for what ever reason...*** He told me 2 weeks ago, that he felt that because I have felt this kind of pain before, and then for me to do it to someone else?? made me the biggest piece of sh*t ever... SO, I made it clear that it wasnt even close to the case. It did NOT happen... anyway, I will NEVER do this to another person again, and God knows, I dont ever want to feel this way either... I will have a ton of regrets when the fog clears.. Thank you for the post
jj33 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Id say no contact too. If you have to say anything just one line. I am very very very sorry I caused you pain. He really doesnt care why - fact is you did his wife. Why you did it doesnt make a whole lot of difference to him.
Ronni_W Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 If you have to say anything just one line. I am very very very sorry I caused you pain. He really doesnt care why I agree. My guess is that he also doesn't care that you were her "victim", whether in reality or just in your own current perceptions. Nor, IMO, will it help him one iota to know she lied about your ex-wife, or about anything else to do with you. These "facts" are likely completely unimportant and irrelevant to him.
Terminator Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 This is "contact by proxy", there should be NO contact with EITHER of them, or you're just lying to yourself. Sorry if that seems harsh, but the truth often is.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 Ok, Ok, OK... I here you all loud and clear.. Thanks for the input...
White Flower Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 For what it's worth I thought the email was heart-felt. You ARE both victims of her lies. She told him one thing and turned around and told you another. You both believed her. Why do people always want to thwart honest communication? Why are people so concerned over how 'victimized' you will look if you send that email? This is about apologizing for not telling him what he wanted to know that day he called you. I felt the email was sincere. Neither of you will ever get the full story from her.
NewSunrise Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 You ARE both victims of her lies. She told him one thing and turned around and told you another. You both believed her. WF - you have explicitly summarized in two simple sentences the TRUTH as to why WS are not to be trusted by either OP or BS. So y'all rearead WF post again!
allbetternow Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 . And then there is my son, XXXXX, who YES she did know, and he really cared about her and she stomped on his heart too... (I am sure she left that part out as well..) SD, you have got to start taking some accountability for this situation and quit being the victim. This is perfect example of that. It is YOUR fault that you involved your son in this mess. YOUR fault you continued to let this go on for years. Get angry and take responsibility and move on. And learn your lessons. But I said months ago when reading your posts that your kids should be left out of this. That was your choice and sorry but it angers me that you involved them and now are saying that she stomped on their heart. That was your doing.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 . And then there is my son, XXXXX, who YES she did know, and he really cared about her and she stomped on his heart too... (I am sure she left that part out as well..) SD, you have got to start taking some accountability for this situation and quit being the victim. This is perfect example of that. It is YOUR fault that you involved your son in this mess. YOUR fault you continued to let this go on for years. Get angry and take responsibility and move on. And learn your lessons. But I said months ago when reading your posts that your kids should be left out of this. That was your choice and sorry but it angers me that you involved them and now are saying that she stomped on their heart. That was your doing. Thank you for the tongue lashing.. Do not picture me placeing all of the blame on her and not being accountable for my actions, thank you! I DO know and accept my accountability here. HOWEVER, I am not the one that LIED to her about where we were headed. I am the one that was being told that without question, she was coming.. I TRUSTED HER!! and I am sorry I ANGERED YOU!!
bish Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 XXXXX, I wanted to send you a note apologizing to you regarding our phone conversation the other day. You called looking for HONEST answers, and I failed to deliver those to you. I really wanted XXXXX to be the one to do so. BUT, you and I were talking and I should have then. I know by now, that it hasnt been that way, for whatever reason. And now, thanks to you, I know that she told you that she wanted to "work on things" at home AFTER you came to her with your "plan" to divorce. But those things were never relayed to me. I was still being told that you two were divorcing. ALL this time, that is what I was being told. XXXXX told me that she gave you the phone (again, I should have told you when you asked) and I dont need it or anything, just let me know what you need to happen with it. I dont know what all of this means, as far as you and XXXXX go. I know what it means for me. I don't know what she has told you more than she has been in "contact" with me. I am sure she has "minimized" it though, like she has EVERY time. Probably swearing to God again that we havent "seen" each other.... whatever.. I dont understand why she couldnt be honest to one of us.. Tell me that she wants to work on things at home, or tell you that she has decided not to.. I will NEVER understand that.. I am sure that we both would have at least like to have known months ago, instead of being told whatever it was that she needed to tell us, for her benefit only... I will admit that I have struggled to grasp ahold of everything the last couple of weeks, and I have been in a great deal of disbelief. I probably will struggle for a lot longer. I have been hurt by someone I trusted, and cared for and now I have hurt her as well.. I have tried to get ahold of her, but I will stop. I sent her a letter today saying just that.. I am resolute in letting this go, and her fading away from my heart. There is alot for me to focus on repairing here because of her, she did "play house" here. And then there is my son, XXXXX, who YES she did know, and he really cared about her and she stomped on his heart too... (I am sure she left that part out as well..) I know you will never understand where I come from and how I got here (cause most the time I dont either, especially now), and I could never ask you to try, or to forgive. All I can say is that I am sorry and now, walk away... Leave him alone, you and his so-called wife have done enough to him.
blueberry Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 For what it's worth StampDaddy - I'd send it. If I were him, and read your explanation about her lying to you both - it would really start making me view her in a different light - which is exactly what she needs. He knows, she knows, you know: But if it were me, and it's there in black and white in such a honest manner, well, it would make me look at her with new eyes. When my husbands piece of fluff decided to contact me, shouting about the affair, baring her soul, her hurt, her anger - of course I sided with my husband. But only long enough to see her off. I started looking at him without the rose-tinted glasses. 6 months later, I left. Who's hurt now? Well, we all are - but definately him more than me or her. I'd send it. And then never contact them again.
blueberry Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 PS - he already knows about the affair so this will be your little swansong. Get your final point/explanation across. Man to man. He'll probably appreciate it.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 For what it's worth StampDaddy - I'd send it. If I were him, and read your explanation about her lying to you both - it would really start making me view her in a different light - which is exactly what she needs. He knows, she knows, you know: But if it were me, and it's there in black and white in such a honest manner, well, it would make me look at her with new eyes. When my husbands piece of fluff decided to contact me, shouting about the affair, baring her soul, her hurt, her anger - of course I sided with my husband. But only long enough to see her off. I started looking at him without the rose-tinted glasses. 6 months later, I left. Who's hurt now? Well, we all are - but definately him more than me or her. I'd send it. And then never contact them again. It has been sent.. and I know some people have forgotten or didnt get the memo.. HE called ME just a week prior, looking for some more answers A YEAR after Dday.. We have talked 5-6 times or more. He said this last time, that yes, he has referred to me as "the A-Hole", but, I am the "A-Hole that at least gives him the TRUTH.." And I didnt in so many ways when we talked.. He said I would be "f**king him" if I didnt, and I allowed him "maybe" thing differently about things, whether it was a day, a week, a month or 6 months that he spent wasting trying to believe her.. He was asking me for the truth.. I told him that I wouldnt "lie" to him, I just couldnt "tell the truth". Hoping he would read between the lines and get the truth from MW. Which, later that day, he did, well, a "small part of it" but enough.. And then my email, which should do exactly what you said...
blueberry Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 . SD, you have got to start taking some accountability for this situation and quit being the victim. This is perfect example of that. It is YOUR fault that you involved your son in this mess. YOUR fault you continued to let this go on for years. Get angry and take responsibility and move on. And learn your lessons. But I said months ago when reading your posts that your kids should be left out of this. That was your choice and sorry but it angers me that you involved them and now are saying that she stomped on their heart. That was your doing. Back up the love bus a little!! He WAS/IS a victim! A victim of her lies. She led him to believe they had a future - one full of rainbows and mungbeans. Why WOULDN'T he introduce her to the biggest thing in his life?
Author stampdaddy Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 PS - he already knows about the affair so this will be your little swansong. Get your final point/explanation across. Man to man. He'll probably appreciate it. I am hoping that one day, he can see me as human too.. and not a monster.. I gathered from our phone conversation that he already does.. Doesnt mean we are gonna go hang out and have some Chilly's, but now he knows a little more about me and what it was for me.. Go ahead Bish! bash me
Author stampdaddy Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Back up the love bus a little!! He WAS/IS a victim! A victim of her lies. She led him to believe they had a future - one full of rainbows and mungbeans. Why WOULDN'T he introduce her to the biggest thing in his life? AW thanks.. Oh wait, you're talking about my children... sorry;)
blueberry Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 He said this last time, that yes, he has referred to me as "the A-Hole", but, I am the "A-Hole that at least gives him the TRUTH.." ... EXACTLY. She has given him a load of half-truths - how can they *possible* build a (new) life together on rotten foundations such as those? You owed it to him - man-to-man. And don't any other posters out there tell me you wouldn't want the same sobering truth delivered when you needed it most. My husbands wee twinky was good enough to give me the full truth....as compared to his "toned down" version. As much as it hurt, I know which version I preferred in the long run. Long story short - her communication to me was liberating. And to this day I thank her for it. And so to that StampDaddy - I salute you. You've done him a favour. But yeah - now it's time to say goodbye for good.
blueberry Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 AW thanks.. Oh wait, you're talking about my children... sorry;) hehehehe... cheeky!
blueberry Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 .. And then my email, which should do exactly what you said... I think we both know what you are saying here. You've got two little people sitting on your shoulders. One with a red forked tail, and one with white feathered wings. And in the Red corner: You're exposing him to the "real" her. The selfish nasty her. One that is capable of keeping people on strings for their own gratuitous needs. Lying to whomever is listening. And with a little bit of luck (with your fingers crossed behind your back so no-one else sees) - she is going to get what's coming to her. And it ain't you OR him. And in the Blue corner: You want him to have the full truth (from the horses mouth). He deserves it after all the hurt. A truth that enables them to rebuild together with everything out in the open. If he wants her after all this - then fine. Either way - you win. Walk away. It's not your fault you believed the things that tumbled out of her perfect, pouty lips.
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