Crestfallen_KH Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Although my head knows better, in my heart, I don't feel as though I really belong anywhere anymore. When I was married, I was part of our family. I was also part of his extended family, my family, and our large group of friends and my co-workers. I was part of several groups. I'm now divorced, so am no longer part of an immediate family. I am no longer part of his family and though I am still part of my family, they are halfway across the country and I'm the only single AND divorced person. I lost many friends in my divorce (yes, they chose the cheater, plus we had just moved away so distance has played a factor) and have just barely rebuilt that network. On top of it all, I'm the only person who does my job at work. My team is small, and everyone is older than I am. I have a few friends, even a date or a shoulder to cry on when I need it, but I don't really belong to part of a group - I'm not PART of anything. I'm part of "groups" and what not, but there is a difference when you're part of a group that chooses to be together than a group that pays to be together. I know it's temporary. I know it can change, I know this isn't the worst thing in the world, but I feel very isolated despite the fact that I'm "out there" and generally happy. I hate feeling lonely. I want my own company and my friends' company to be enough, and, lately it's not. I know there has to be other people out there who feel this way...
Rooster_DAR Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 It's going to take time, you need to allow yourself that time to pull things together and sort things out. Don't runaway from what your feeling, but instead embrace it as something you need to experience. With that said, look toward yourself for comfort. I was there myself very recently, it took me time to get over that feeling, the best medicine is strength and self validation. You have a good start by posting here, now just take that and move forward. You lost a big connection, it's going to take a little time and effort to get back on track. Divorce is not something you get over the next day, it takes time, patience, acceptance, and the strength to help yourself to move forward. It may sound really stupid, but give your self props here and there. Treat yourself to something fun, like going to get a massage and treating yourself to something you've always wanted to do. I promise, if you do the things above, they will help you tremendously. Don't give up, push yourself at the worst times, but also acknowledge it's okay to be sad and cry if you need to. Hope this helps, please post back. Cheers!
Trialbyfire Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 ((Crestfallen)) It will get better. You've lost a lot with the entire cheating/divorce situation. Have you considered making a serious plan to find a job in your old city, so you can surround yourself with a better support network of people who care? This could become a primary focus, while still getting on in life with your existing job and location.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 I have thought about moving back. It would put me closer to my family and some old friends. But, I think it would be a step back for me. 1) I've pretty much exhausted the resources there for my line of work. 2) I LOVE it here - the weather is better, it's ten times more beautiful and I have a very short history with the ex here (and a much longer one with the ex in the previous city). Lastly, as I get older, the more I've learned that you can't go home again. You can move back, but things aren't the same - friends have moved on, your old haunts aren't there anymore and you feel disassociated from what used to feel comfortable. I just don't think it would be better for me overall. I applaud myself for what I've been able to do - I spent Christmas 100% completely ALONE last year, fergoodnesssakes, for the first time in my life and I'm still here. I've rebuilt a new network and I've kept my job despite the turmoil. I have succeeded where others would have completely lost it. But, yesterday, today, and likely tomorrow anyway, I feel alone and isolated. I know it will pass, but today I just wish to belong to what used to be.
Rafa Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Hi Crestfallen_KH, I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way. A month or so ago I split from my partner. She and her little girl were like my family, and I felt part of something special. Now that we are apart, I feel I just have myself. This is not the country I grew up in, and although I have friends scattered around the world, it's not a 'group' of friends, most of them don't know each other and very few are in the city I currently live in. I'm having to make a real effort. There aren't too many people I can really talk to, and I am careful not to exhaust them with my current 'feel bad' state of mind. It is so tough. I don't have any family around - my sister is really my only family left and she lives in another part of the world. The one hope I have, is that i take part in a sport at a club, and have done for a couple of years. i know people there who are not really close friends but I am liked there and gradually getting into socializing with them. The problem is that I spent so much of my spare time with my ex when we were in the relationship, that now I haven't cultivated any great mates around here. All I can say is that I'm trying. I email people, try and get out and meet for drinks. Otherwise it's awful, I barely want to leave work because I just return home and there is nobody around. Hang in there, there are others feeling as you do.
EmperorR Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Hi Crestfallen_KH, I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way. A month or so ago I split from my partner. She and her little girl were like my family, and I felt part of something special. Now that we are apart, I feel I just have myself. This is not the country I grew up in, and although I have friends scattered around the world, it's not a 'group' of friends, most of them don't know each other and very few are in the city I currently live in. I'm having to make a real effort. There aren't too many people I can really talk to, and I am careful not to exhaust them with my current 'feel bad' state of mind. It is so tough. I don't have any family around - my sister is really my only family left and she lives in another part of the world. The one hope I have, is that i take part in a sport at a club, and have done for a couple of years. i know people there who are not really close friends but I am liked there and gradually getting into socializing with them. The problem is that I spent so much of my spare time with my ex when we were in the relationship, that now I haven't cultivated any great mates around here. All I can say is that I'm trying. I email people, try and get out and meet for drinks. Otherwise it's awful, I barely want to leave work because I just return home and there is nobody around. Hang in there, there are others feeling as you do. i feel the same, work is like where i want to b enow, cuz im surrounded by people and always busy, when im home im alone and its like she takes over my mind
Crazy.S Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 i dont think you can be truly happy if you cant be happy being alone. i dont think happiness should be dependent on a group. i understand you must get lonely at times, but like you said it will pass. you want to be involved with a group, maybe you can take some classes or do some volunteer work. do something you like and meet people who share the same interests. good luck
Rafa Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 i dont think you can be truly happy if you cant be happy being alone. I'd like to believe that but I can say with 100% certainty that when I used to wake up next to my ex when we were in love, and we cuddled and talked, I was truly happy. Sometimes I think they were the best times of my life. And now I am alone, I am heartbroken.... which is pretty far from happy.
Geishawhelk Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 All happiness based on the presence of anything or anyone outside of ourselves, is impermanent and will come to an end, in one way or another. Always. If we can come to terms with that, accept it and incorporate it into our outlook on things, it will make life far easier in the long run.
Crazy.S Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I'd like to believe that but I can say with 100% certainty that when I used to wake up next to my ex when we were in love, and we cuddled and talked, I was truly happy. Sometimes I think they were the best times of my life. And now I am alone, I am heartbroken.... which is pretty far from happy. You missed my point. I never said true happiness can only be attained by being single. I meant you need to learn how to be happy alone. If you can't do that, your happiness is dependent on someone else. A person should feel complete even when they are not involved with someone else. Think about the time before your first relationship. That is what true happiness is. And now take that and share it with someone. Then it becomes love.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 There are lot of things I enjoy about being single, and overall, I am pretty happy. I think you can be happy, yet lonely from time to time. I'm not craving external validation, I'm just missing some aspects from my life that used to be present, that's all.
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