Familiar story... how to proceed?

[StaggerLee]

Should've said, "Actually, it would be better if we didn't..." Then you say "bye."

Damn, missed an opportunity there

 

Anyway it was back to no contact today, I was busy at work so it was easier. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to contact her anyway, it's just how to deal with it when she contacts me.

[whichwayisup]

it's just how to deal with it when she contacts me.

 

"It would be better if you stopped calling me. I'm asking you to please leave me alone."

 

That's how you handle it. Ask her to respect your wishes.

[StaggerLee]

Yeah, that should do it. It's not that I don't know what I should do, it's whether I'm strong enough to do it when the moment comes. Hopefully she'll leave me alone anyway, but if she doesn't I know what I'm going to end up having to say.

 

Thanks for your continued advice WWIU.

[StaggerLee]

Just thought I'd post a quick update, so anyway she broke NC last Friday because she had to come over to my office to drop something off. She phoned me beforehand to warn me she was coming over, and then came over to my desk and sat down, so we went outside and talked in the car for about an hour.

 

She said she was finding it impossible to not contact me, and I said that yeah it was really hard. Anyway I told her that we should just see how it goes, and I think that she took that to mean that we could contact each other again. I was out of the office the following Monday, but she texted me a couple of times, I texted back once out of courtesy (yeah I know ) but left it at that.

 

So then on Tuesday she was on IM again, and I told her that we really shouldn't spend time on IM anymore because it wasn't helping either of us. Then she texted me again that evening, and I texted back that texting was no good either. THEN, later on that evening she phoned me in tears, saying how sorry she was about the whole situation, saying how crap her situation at home was because she was having to secretly deal with us not talking whilst appearing that nothing was wrong. I was out at the pub when she phoned so I told her I should really go back inside because I had left a friend of mine on his own but that I could phone her later (again, yeah I know ). Obviously though I couldn't phone her later, because of her boyfriend who she lives with.

 

Then on Wednesday night we had both been invited round to a mutual friend's house, first of all I wasn't going to go but I thought it may look weird if I didn't go and I didn't want to appear petty (again ). Afterwards we talked again for an hour, I told her that we really seriously had to go NC because otherwise nothing would ever change. I wouldn't be able to move on, and she wouldn't ever know whether she could fix her relationship or not. There were no tears or drama this time, and when we finally parted ways it was on good terms. I think this is because she doesn't think I'm going to stick to NC.

 

That was last Wednesday, and we've had no contact since then. I think the last time we tried it it really was a false start, but this time I'm going to stick to it. My only response from now on will be the question 'have you left him yet', and if the answer is anything but 'yes', then I will not continue the conversation. She'll soon get tired of that I think.

 

I actually feel quite empowered for the first time in months, because I really can start looking forward and start trying to move on from all of this, whilst she is still in the same situation that led her to getting into an EA/PA with someone else.

 

So wish me luck, this time I'm a lot more confident than last time that NC will be maintained...

[StaggerLee]

Ok for what it's worth, thought I'd put an update on here because the situation has changed slightly. She may be in the process of leaving him. I know it means nothing at this stage, and everything is up in the air, but there have definitely been some developments.

 

So I posted the above update on a Sunday about a month ago, and we had no contact at all for the rest of the following week. She didn't try to get in touch, and neither did I. Then when I got to work on the Monday, a close friend of her's got in touch on IM and said that I should get in touch with her. This friend knows the situation, and knew that we were no longer in contact, and she said even though this was the case I should still get in touch with her. So I broke NC and asked how she was, and she said that the previous day it had all come to a head at home and she had left the house and driven to her friend's house (the one that messaged me). She had told him she didn't want to be with him anymore. She said she spent the whole of Sunday crying at her friend's house, and he was obviously also devastated. She went back to their house in the evening.

 

I told her I was really sorry that she was going through this, and that I knew how traumatic it was for her, even though she had instigated it. I told her that she knew where I was if she wanted to talk about it. She told me that it was best that we continued not to speak to each other while things were like this, but that she would be in touch.

 

I spoke to her friend that evening, and I told her that I was not convinced that she would actually go through with it, because she had gone home to be with him again. To cut a long story short her friend said that she was done with that relationship, she just had to deal with it.

 

Anyway I didn't speak to OW again that week until Friday afternoon, when she got in touch and asked if I wanted a coffee (we work in the same place, just different buildings). She came over and told me that the week had been horrendous, very emotional every night for both of them with him trying to convince her to stay. She told him that she loved him but not in the way that he wanted her to. She said that she hadn't spoken to him about actually moving out yet, but was going to talk to him about it at the weekend.

 

The next week I IM'd her briefly a couple of times, obviously desperate to find out what was going on. She didn't say much on IM, and her friend wasn't saying much either, so I took that to mean she'd had second thoughts (which I was fully expecting to be honest). Anyway that Friday she was on IM and she was asking what I was doing that evening, so I took the bait and suggested we go for a coffee or something after work if it was convenient, and she said ok.

 

So we just sat in the car and talked, and she told me that at the weekend she'd found a flat for her, and her and her boyfriend went to look at it. She said that he was really good about that part of it, and asked all the right questions on her behalf, she was again really emotional about it. She said that she had decided to take it, and filled out the paperwork etc so it was just waiting for the credit check to be made and after that the flat was her's. I asked her what it had been like at home in the meantime, and she said really difficult but getting easier. She said that he suggested that they go on holiday together because they had both been through a rough time and could do with a break. I said I can't blame him for trying, although I told her that obviously I didn't think it was the right thing for either of them to do. She told me that her feelings for me hadn't changed.

 

So that was week before last, again we didn't have much contact last week. I'm trying not to get in touch with her because she should have her space I think, although it's really difficult. It's a struggle because I want to be there for her whilst she's going through such a tough time, but I also want to keep my distance because it feels like the right thing to do, and she certainly isn't available yet so really things haven't changed all that much in terms of our relationship. Last week during IM conversation I asked about her flat, and she told me that she had started paying for it, although I don't think she's moved in there yet.

 

She is also going on holiday with him. I asked her about it briefly, and she didn't say much, just that she was nervous about it. So she goes on holiday next week, for one week. I don't feel great about it.

 

Don't really know what to make of it all, on the one hand I'm pleased that something is happening and very soon I should know either way if she's actually going to leave or if she decides that she's made a dreadful mistake. She still instigates most of the contact with me, and I haven't told her to leave me alone. Don't know whether I should? Really difficult. Don't know what to do for the best. Not sure if she wants me to contact her more for reassurance?

 

Anyway that's it for now. Will update again when there's something to say. Any comments always welcome.

[Owl]

Pardon me, but I really don't see what's changed.

 

She's still with him. She's going on a holiday with him. She's working with him while he's trying to reconcile with her...and she's still txting you and meeting for coffee and such.

 

How is this any different than before?

[StaggerLee]

Hi Owl, I know what you mean in the respect that in terms of our relationship, nothing major has changed, I said as much in my post. I think the main development is the fact that she has decided that she is going to move out of their home and has rented a flat for herself. I don't think she is lying about this.

 

I suppose what I am struggling with is the fact that I have told her in the past that if she did leave him, I would be there to support her in whatever capacity she needed at the time. I went NC because I thought if she doesn't leave him then I need her out of my life. She, and her close friend, now tell me that she's in the process of leaving him. So when she gets in touch, I want to be there for her and can't bring myself to say don't contact me. I know how hard it is to leave someone you still care very much about, I went through it myself this year. She's been with him for almost 6 years now, it was a really serious relationship. And I don't want to play mind games with her whilst she is going through this. I know she is having a really tough time of it at the moment - and so is her boyfriend obviously.

 

If NC is still the right thing, how do I tell her to leave me alone when I know she needs the support from people close to her at the moment? On the other hand, if I make myself emotionally available again for her, would this encourage her to think that she can stall on making the final step away from him because she knows that I'll still be around?

 

So tough...

[Owl]

What you've HEARD is that she's leaving him and going to rent a flat.

 

What you've SEEN is...???

 

That's my point. If she leaves him...then she's met your conditions and you can proceed as you'd intended. If its just what you've heard...nothing has changed, and you're still being strung along

[jasminetea]

Hi Owl, I know what you mean in the respect that in terms of our relationship, nothing major has changed, I said as much in my post. I think the main development is the fact that she has decided that she is going to move out of their home and has rented a flat for herself. I don't think she is lying about this.

I think you need to know for sure. And know she's using the flat.

 

I suppose what I am struggling with is the fact that I have told her in the past that if she did leave him, I would be there to support her in whatever capacity she needed at the time.

If she leaves him. She hasn't left. Don't go back on your original stance.

 

I went NC because I thought if she doesn't leave him then I need her out of my life. She, and her close friend, now tell me that she's in the process of leaving him. So when she gets in touch, I want to be there for her and can't bring myself to say don't contact me.

Again, she hasn't left yet. By 'being there for her' when she's clearly still with her boyfriend is merely perpetuating the situation. Apart from anything else, if you keep 'being there for her' I suspect you'll end up losing a lot of respect both from her and yourself in the long run.

 

I know how hard it is to leave someone you still care very much about, I went through it myself this year. She's been with him for almost 6 years now, it was a really serious relationship. And I don't want to play mind games with her whilst she is going through this. I know she is having a really tough time of it at the moment - and so is her boyfriend obviously.

You managed to leave your girlfriend alone. By telling someone its over but not demonstrating it by one's actions, is actually pretty cruel. She's giving him false hope by hanging around. She actually sounds like someone with very little integrity. I don't think I would want to have in my life if I were you....

 

If NC is still the right thing, how do I tell her to leave me alone when I know she needs the support from people close to her at the moment?

"You need to work this out without my input."

 

On the other hand, if I make myself emotionally available again for her, would this encourage her to think that she can stall on making the final step away from him because she knows that I'll still be around?

Yes.

 

So tough...

It doesn't have to be.

[StaggerLee]

What you've HEARD is that she's leaving him and going to rent a flat.

 

What you've SEEN is...???

 

That's my point. If she leaves him...then she's met your conditions and you can proceed as you'd intended. If its just what you've heard...nothing has changed, and you're still being strung along

True, can't take what I've heard to the bank can I.

 

By 'being there for her' when she's clearly still with her boyfriend is merely perpetuating the situation. Apart from anything else, if you keep 'being there for her' I suspect you'll end up losing a lot of respect both from her and yourself in the long run.

You see, this is exactly what I'm afraid of. I've gone from feeling I had no control of the situation, to feeling that I was fully in control (when it was NC), then back to square one again after her friend suggested I get in touch. Lack of control in this situation leads to lack of self respect. And visible lack of self respect is certainly not an attractive quality

 

Deep down I know what is the right thing to do is. Sometimes just good to hear someone else spell it out.

 

"You need to work this out without my input."

Ok that's the plan. Will let you know how it goes. I'm not sure when she'll get in touch next because she's out of the office now for a couple of days, then the weekend. I won't contact her though.

 

Thanks for your comments...

[Agent_99]

You see, this is exactly what I'm afraid of. I've gone from feeling I had no control of the situation, to feeling that I was fully in control (when it was NC), then back to square one again after her friend suggested I get in touch. Lack of control in this situation leads to lack of self respect. And visible lack of self respect is certainly not an attractive quality

 

Deep down I know what is the right thing to do is. Sometimes just good to hear someone else spell it out.

 

You are very insightful and I think in your situation that is a good thing. I don't really have anything cunstructive to ad. I just wanted to say that your story has inspired me to deal with exMW who keeps contacting me.

 

 

Ok that's the plan. Will let you know how it goes. I'm not sure when she'll get in touch next because she's out of the office now for a couple of days, then the weekend. I won't contact her though.

 

Thanks for your comments...

 

You can still cautiously be there for her once she actually takes the step of moving out. BUT I say cautiously because she will still need time to deal with the ending of her relationship. You will both need space, don't let feelings of immediacy (is that a word?) interfer with staying centered within yourself. What I'm trying to say is that, even though I don't beleive in fate, you do have to let things be what they will. If she wants to be with you it will happen in it's own time.

 

~99

[StaggerLee]

Hi Agent_99, thanks for your kind words. I've just spent some time reading through your threads, and you've certainly been through an incredibly tough time. Our situations have many similarities and I'll definitely keep an eye out for your posts in future. Good to know that there may be light at the end of the tunnel whichever way the cookie crumbles

 

You're right about things being what they will be. Nothing more I can do to make her come to me, just have to walk away again and hope one day she will be truly available so that we can go for a drink and start again from scratch. If she doesn't, then walking away also the correct thing to do. See, I'm feeling better already, getting some of that control back...

 

Thanks again

[Agent_99]

Hi Agent_99, thanks for your kind words. I've just spent some time reading through your threads, and you've certainly been through an incredibly tough time. Our situations have many similarities and I'll definitely keep an eye out for your posts in future. Good to know that there may be light at the end of the tunnel whichever way the cookie crumbles

 

You're right about things being what they will be. Nothing more I can do to make her come to me, just have to walk away again and hope one day she will be truly available so that we can go for a drink and start again from scratch. If she doesn't, then walking away also the correct thing to do. See, I'm feeling better already, getting some of that control back...

 

Thanks again

 

It's funny how I can handle recriminations and direct attacks for my part of the affair with equinamity, but when I recieve compassion it causes these silly tears.

 

Despite the fact that it was an affair and hurt everyone involved, I love her very deeply. I always will. BUT I too have had to learn the lesson to walk away either way.

 

She still keeps talking to me, which makes life hard for me, and probably for her too. But I will not initiate contact with her. When she does talk to me I keep it to surface conversations. Right now there is no way to ask her for more space, we work together and take two classes at college together and I had promised to help her through one of those classes as it is a subject she struggles tremendously with. So I make examples and give her them, rather than meeting to go over stuff. This quarter ends in 5 weeks, so then I will have more space. I also put in a for a transfer to a different department that I qualify for, so it is only a matter of waiting for an opening, then I won't see her at work either.

 

I have noticed as I work on letting go and moving on that my language has went from focusing on her and her feelings and situtations, to me and how I feel and what I need to be healthy emotionally.