Familiar story... how to proceed?

[StaggerLee]

Hi everyone.

 

I've been lurking here for a long time, and thought it was about time to tell my story. It's very similar to many on here however I would welcome any comments. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible...

 

Bit of background - at the start of this year I was in a long term relationship (almost 8 years). I lived with my girlfriend, but we had no children together. For a while I had not been happy; I felt that we had drifted apart and I'd lost that emotional bond with her. Our sex life was practically non-existent, and had been for a long time. I'm in my early 30's and just didn't see us getting married or having children in the near future (by the way I'm keeping it brief here, but happy to talk about reasons for feeling unhappy if anyone asks).

 

In February I met a girl at work, usual story, there was a spark and in a very short space of time I knew I was in trouble. She was also in a relationship (5 years), living with her boyfriend, also not entirely happy and hadn't been for many months. By March, light flirting had eventually led to a conversation about the very obvious mutual attraction between us, but not being able to, or wanting to act on it because we were both in serious relationships.

 

However, we were working on the same project so it was really difficult to avoid each other, and at the end of April we kissed for the first time.

 

Well, that was it for me. I had never before been unfaithful, in this or any previous relationship. The fact that I had such strong feelings for this new girl, and that I had obviously fallen out of love with my girlfriend, and of course the fact that I felt so ashamed of myself because of what I'd done meant that a few days later I ended my relationship with my girlfriend and moved out (again, keeping it brief as possible here). I was devastated, in fact I was very surprised by my own emotions, especially as I had felt 'out' of the relationship for months, if not years, already. She was also distraught, and I still feel guilty for the pain I put her through (and that she is still going through if I'm honest with myself).

 

I did not tell her about the girl at work, instead I told her what I should have told her long before I met new girl, which was that I didn't feel 'it' anymore. I had in fact told her that I was having doubts some weeks previously (after I had met new girl but before I kissed her), and we did try to work on our relationship. It's obvious now that it was too little too late, and with new girl still in the picture it was never going to work (I wish I'd come to Loveshack then, because I'm sure you guys would have told me that in no uncertain terms...)

 

Right after my break up I thought that when I told new girl what I had done she was going to run a mile as reality set in, but she didn't. During the first couple of weeks I saw her a few times outside of work (no physical contact, just talking) but to be honest my mind was more occupied with the grief over my broken relationship - I knew I had done the right thing but I was still very emotional.

 

A few weeks down the road I started seeing a little more of new girl, mostly after work we would go to a pub or sit in the car and talk, then talking started turning into kissing, cuddling, holding hands (pass the sick bucket lol). Remember she had a boyfriend who she lived with. I eventually told her that I had fallen in love with her, and she said she felt the same. But, you guessed it, she didn't know how she was going to leave her boyfriend. Again, to keep it brief, they have a couple of properties together, but no kids.

 

At this point her relationship was really starting to suffer. She had become distant from him, and they were starting to have rows because of his frustration at the deterioration of their relationship.

 

Eventually, one Sunday night in June I got a phone call from her saying that they had had a row and she had walked out. She was in floods of tears. I asked if I should drive up to go and see her, and she said no she had to go back home to see if he was ok because he was so distressed when she left. We talked for a while, then hung up. The next day she told me that when she got home they both talked, cried and agreed that she should leave for a while as she wasn't happy, however that morning he had gone through her phone and saw that she had phoned me up, and he put 2 and 2 together. For him, this cast a new light on his relationship problems. He was so distressed that after he got to work he could only stay for a while before he had to go home sick.

 

Believe me, I don't feel great about it.

 

Anyway, she felt incredibly guilty and felt that she couldn't leave him like that, he didn't really have any close friends and his family lived miles away. I told her I understood, right now he was her priority and she had to make sure he was ok.

 

She told him that I was just a close friend, there was nothing more in it than that, and he told her that she should be talking to him about their relationship problems, not me. And I know he was right when he said this.

 

I'm aware that this is getting a bit long, so to cut a long story short... she didn't leave him, but since June we have still been seeing each other, and having lots of phone calls, text messages, instant messenger conversations etc. Her boyfriend is going through a lot of torment at the moment, he is very suspicious of her friendship with me, and with good reason. Again, I don't feel great about this.

 

This is certainly not what I want, I want to have a normal committed relationship with her and I had mentally given her until August to break up with him or else I was going to move on. However August came and went and we are now into September, I wasn't strong enough to end it. Our physical relationship did not progress into anything more than kissing until last week...

 

The project we were working on has now ended so we no longer have a need to speak to each other at work. Last week her new project meant a hotel stay, and I went up to see her. It was the second time we had been alone in a hotel room, the first time we kissed but nothing more happened. This time it went further we fooled around, got naked, and started having sex. During the sex she had an attack of conscience and we stopped. I stayed with her for a while and we talked and cuddled, but we both knew that a new line had been crossed.

 

Anyway, today we met up and both agreed that this had gone on long enough. I would end up bitter and resentful that she couldn't leave the guy, and she would never be able to either make her relationship with him work, or leave him, whilst she was getting all her emotional needs met with me. We both cried, it was so tough...

 

So tomorrow is the first day of NC.

 

I suppose I'm really looking for some of your views. Is NC the right thing to do? I don't know why I'm asking, of course it is. Just having written this helps though. It makes me feel really guilty, mainly for the pain that I am responsible for, pain for both my ex girlfriend and new girl's boyfriend, and I know that NC is the right course of action. I suppose deep down I'm hoping that NC will lead to her leaving him, but I know that statistically the chances of her leaving him are not great...

 

Anyway if you made it down this far, thanks so much for listening. I've left out loads of details, but the bare bones of it are here. I feel like I got something off my chest anyway. And your comments are welcomed.

[Reggie]

Wow, the first post I've seen where the OM actually has some focus on the pain he has brought to others. I'd say you are, despite your action, somewhat more evolved than a lot of other OP's.

This may sound simplistic and there is so much thought on this that is way more complicated or whatever. But, the fact is that you lied to your girlfriend and you contributed to bringing a lot of undeserved pain to two fellow human beings, floks that had done you no harm. You are obviously aware that you've hurt yourself, as well, in compromising your values. You've diminished yourself. You've crossed a line that damages your soul.

This can't be undone, but all is not lost. The answer is to start living honestly. Listen to your conscience. Perhaps that means telling the folks you've hurt the truth and asking forgiveness. It clearly means not doing this again and learning from it.

Life is so much simpler when you just tell the truth all the time. Sometimes the truth will bring tough consequences. But, one just feels better about oneself.

[manugeorge]

At least you had the balls to leave your ex, for that, I highly commend you. You cheated before you ended it and that was shady as hell but at least you ended it and even though your ex is tormented now, she is at least free to find happiness elsewhere. In my opinion, that is done, let her go in peace and do NOT try to increase her torment by telling her you cheated on her before it ended. That's twisting the knife. Just let sleeping dogs lie. And do NOT go crawling back to her now that OW is not giving you what you want. It's not fair.

 

 

And as for the OW, she has made her choice. The whole BS story about not wanting to torment her boyfriend is just that, bullsh*t. She won't torment him to his face but will do it behind his back, what a twisted rationalization for staying in a broken relationship?

 

You either stay and take the crumbs she's feeding you or you gather that sack of yours again and bid her farewell until she's free of her boyfriend.

I will never forget what my mom always told me, which is that, "you teach people how to treat you", when you compromise yourself by not putting your foot down and acting with dignity, you are essentially giving them the greenlight that it's ok to treat you like sh*t, which they will continue to do. Trust me.

[lkjh]

The whole thing about her BF being hurt and that is why she stayed is a lie! If she really cared that much she would have stopped the cheating. You allowed her to use you and in doing so you have hurt two other people, one being the girl that stood by you and the other being OW BF. Do the right thing allow these people rest by telling them the truth because nobody deserves this. You are probably not the first person she messed around with on the side and you will not be her last, if you don't believe me just read some of the threads on here. Just image the torture this guy is going through trying to figure out whats going on between you two.

[whichwayisup]

NC is the right thing to do. She isn't going to walk away from her boyfriend. Only thing you can do is move on and try to let go.

[StaggerLee]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and comment on my situation, I really do appreciate it.

 

Reggie -

 

You are right, I did lie to my ex girlfriend and I feel terrible about it. I had never been unfaithful before, and always swore that I would end any relationship I was in before I would do that to someone because I know how devastated I would be if it was done to me. Unfortunately I was wrong, and I'm not proud of it. I also feel guilty about OW's boyfriend, he's going through a hard enough time as it is and he doesn't know the half of it. And your also right about 'diminishing' myself - I've acted out of character and I've liked myself a lot less because of it.

 

One thing I disagree with you on is going back and telling my ex girlfriend what I did. I wouldn't want to re-open old wounds at this stage. The only time I would tell her is if I wanted to make a serious go of the relationship again (absolutely not on the horizon right now), so that we could start again with no secrets between us. And I certainly wouldn't now go and tell OW's boyfriend what has been going on - that's up to OW. Plus it would seem like bitter grapes, and actually, right now, I really want to try walk away from the whole thing rather than stirring the situation further. However, your line 'Sometimes the truth will bring tough consequences. But, one just feels better about oneself' is very true.

 

manugeorge -

 

I totally agree with you on not telling my ex about cheating on her before it ended; it would serve no purpose other than to upset her all over again. We had many good years together, years that I will always remember and will always be a part of my life, and I want her eventually to have the same good memories. Telling her what happened in the weeks leading up to our final break up would cast a shadow over all our time together, when in actual fact i had already emotionally stepped out of the relationship a long time before I actually kissed OW for the first time.

 

And don't worry I certainly won't go crawling back to her. That relationship ended for many reasons and I don't think it would ever work. I wouldn't want to put her through all that crap again. She's still suffering now.

 

As for the OW having made her choice - yeah that's exactly how I see it. 6 or so months down the line and she's still with him, that's the bottom line, no matter what sort of excuses I try and make on her behalf. Time to walk away.

 

"You teach people how to treat you" - very wise words from your mum! This is so true. I've had similar thoughts, in the respect that I was aware that OW was probably starting to get comfortable in the knowledge that I would always be there for her even though I wasn't getting what I wanted. This is not an attractive quality in a guy. Yet another reason to walk away, hard as it may be.

 

lkjh -

 

You are right - I know that two innocent people have been hurt by all this, and it bothers me a lot. As I said above though, I just don't know what will be achieved by telling them the whole story. My ex girlfriend would be absolutely devasted all over again just as she is starting to put her life back together, I don't want to do that to her. And OW's BF - if I told him it would cause him even more pain. And it would look like I wanted to do everything I could to break up their relationship - yes, I want her to leave him, but I want her to leave out of choice because her relationship with him will not work whether I'm in the picture or not. It would appear so bitter on my part if I told him, and also I suppose I don't actually feel it's my business, it's between her and him.

 

whichwayisup -

 

Thanks spelling it out simply and clearly. I agree with you. I have to move on because I don't see her leaving him either.

 

Thanks again everyone for taking an interest.

[Owl]

You both need to ENFORCE NC.

 

You can't expect it to just happen. Its not that easy.

 

What steps are you both taking to PREVENT the other from contacting you if/when they suffer a moment of weakness?

 

Block email/calls? Change email/IM/phone numbers? Etc...you get the idea!

 

We see sooooooo many people that come here and attempt to do NC just by willpower...but fail because they don't recognize how tough it is.

 

TAKE MEASURES to prevent contact.

[StaggerLee]

Hi Owl. To be honest with you, so far no additional measures have been taken to prevent NC. But I see your point - I have quit and restarted smoking many times, so why should this be any different?

 

I will post here if NC is broken. I've just done the first day, and it was so tough, but I drove home from work tonight with a sense of relief, that a weight had been lifted from me. And I felt better about myself than I had done for a long time. She didn't try and contact me, but she did phone up one of my colleagues to find out why I was out of the office this morning.

[Reggie]

Yeah, I agree. Nothing to be gained by telling either.

Nice to see you've figured yourself out. Lots of life ahead. Maybe a little extra purgatory time in the hereafter. Sounds like this changed you.

I've pulled some **** in my day. Wish I could go back and do it over but I can't.

Many folks never get to the point of facing themselves. Good work.

[StaggerLee]

The experience has changed me, to be honest now I've taken a step back I'm really shellshocked by the whole thing. I'm in such a different place now that I was at the start of the year. Although I knew that my long term relationship wasn't working, I didn't think that it would end in the way it did.

 

I think my main regret (other than the fact that people have been hurt) is knowing that I would be vulnerable to a situation like this but not doing anything about it before it was too late. My advice to anyone thinking about going down this road is to stop it from happening while it is still relatively easy and you are still somewhat emotionally detached. Because once you start developing real feelings for the other person, one or more people are going to get hurt. Including yourself. So just walk away while you still can.

 

I have still maintained NC by the way, all be it for only 5 days now. She hasn't tried to contact me directly either, although she did include me in a random non-work related email sent to me and a couple of colleagues. I think she was hoping I would respond, but I didn't.

 

It's really tough, I really miss her.

[jj33]

Absolutely dont tell your ex gf. As you say the relationship is over. To give her additional reasons as to why its over reallly doesnt matter at this point. The fact is you are no longer together and have no desire to rekindle things in the future. Telling her will only inflict more pain and for what? It would only ease your conscience at her expense. It would do nothing constructive for her.

[DealingWDrama]

Yes, no contact is the right thing to do. You want more out of this relationship then she does. Her relationship is suffering because she is giving you the emotional support she should be giving her boyfriend. Best wishes to you ... may you heal and may love find you. Check out www.fivelovelanguages.com and watch the video - it may help you to understand what an emotional affair is and how you can avoid this situation in the future.

[StaggerLee]

Absolutely dont tell your ex gf. As you say the relationship is over. To give her additional reasons as to why its over reallly doesnt matter at this point. The fact is you are no longer together and have no desire to rekindle things in the future. Telling her will only inflict more pain and for what? It would only ease your conscience at her expense. It would do nothing constructive for her.

You're absolutely right. I'm not going to tell her for exactly these reasons.

 

Yes, no contact is the right thing to do. You want more out of this relationship then she does. Her relationship is suffering because she is giving you the emotional support she should be giving her boyfriend. Best wishes to you ... may you heal and may love find you. Check out www.fivelovelanguages.com and watch the video - it may help you to understand what an emotional affair is and how you can avoid this situation in the future.

Thanks for your support. NC it is. So tough though.

 

Almost caved in today and instant messaged her at work, it's so tempting. Found it hard to concentrate on my job for most of the afternoon. It's not even been a week yet, and I'm finding it so hard.

[Owl]

Can you remove her from your contact lists?

 

Can you block her from your personal emails/IM's?

 

Have you removed her from your cell phones, IM/email/etc...?

 

You almost caved today...partially because its still too easy to contact her.

 

Make sense?

[winter]

It sounds like you had an exit affair. What do you think? Maybe?

 

NC is probably the most healthy choice for you to move on and deal. Really, what else can you do? I'm sure you've already said all you have to say. She knows that you love her and want her, but she isn't going to leave him. Why put yourself through further pain and guilt? Why be part of her hurting her live-in boyfriend?

[StaggerLee]

Can you remove her from your contact lists?

 

Can you block her from your personal emails/IM's?

 

Have you removed her from your cell phones, IM/email/etc...?

 

You almost caved today...partially because its still too easy to contact her.

 

Make sense?

Yeah Owl, makes a lot of sense. I can block her on IM, but in doing that she can see that I've done it and I don't want to appear as if I'm that bothered. Stupid really, because I am that bothered. Maybe I'll have to do it. Removing her number from my phone won't help because I've memorised it.

 

If I'm realistic, I think I will have to block her on IM, because I've found it hard enough going just today, and reading other threads on this board this feeling could go on for months

 

It sounds like you had an exit affair. What do you think? Maybe?

 

NC is probably the most healthy choice for you to move on and deal. Really, what else can you do? I'm sure you've already said all you have to say. She knows that you love her and want her, but she isn't going to leave him. Why put yourself through further pain and guilt? Why be part of her hurting her live-in boyfriend?

You are right in what you say. It's funny but I've thought a lot about other things that I'd really like to say to her, but what's the point, there's nothing more that I could say which is likely to make her leave him. I'm certain everyone that has been in a similar situation thinks these things too.

 

It's so difficult, because I keep thinking about the fact that she said that it's all very clear in her mind that she should leave him, but when the moment comes and they start discussing their relationship they both get really upset and she just can't do it to him. I wish she had given me some sort of proper closure, like saying that she loved him and not me, but she didn't do that. Makes it so much harder to stop thinking about it, because part of me thinks that surely she can't carry on her life like that indefinitely, being unhappy and staying just for him.

 

It's the same old story, head saying one thing (walk away and don't look back), heart saying another (stick around and wait, because she'll leave eventually). Anyway, just having a bad day today. Hopefully be better tomorrow.

[winter]

Well, she says one thing, but does another. Her actions are telling you the real story. Listen to her actions, not her words, because you already know she is fully capable of lying to a man she cares about.

 

She'd like to continue having both of you, on her terms of course. Do you want to share her though?

 

Maybe take some time and just enjoy being single for awhile?

[Owl]

This is going to sound harsh...probably harsher than I mean it...but blunt is best.

 

You're right...NOT blocking her just because you want to give her a false impression that you don't care would definitely be stupid.

 

First step...stop caring about her actions, her perceptions, etc...

 

Second...BLOCK HER BUTT!!!

[StaggerLee]

Well, she says one thing, but does another. Her actions are telling you the real story. Listen to her actions, not her words, because you already know she is fully capable of lying to a man she cares about.

 

She'd like to continue having both of you, on her terms of course. Do you want to share her though?

 

Maybe take some time and just enjoy being single for awhile?

Yep you're right - it's all about her actions. I'm still climbing into bed on my own at night, she's climbing into bed with another guy. And it's a good point, she can lie to him so why not me? And no I don't want to share her.

 

Good advice, thanks.

 

This is going to sound harsh...probably harsher than I mean it...but blunt is best.

 

You're right...NOT blocking her just because you want to give her a false impression that you don't care would definitely be stupid.

 

First step...stop caring about her actions, her perceptions, etc...

 

Second...BLOCK HER BUTT!!!

Don't worry, I can take harsh ! Anyway it's not harsh, it's sensible, and I know it's probably the right thing to do. And I'd like to be able to sit here and tell you that I'm going to block her first thing tomorrow, but if I can't be honest here on this forum where can I be honest... the truth is that I'll probably see how I get on tomorrow. It's not that I'm ignoring your (very much appreciated) advice, it's just that I know how hard I will find it to actually do.

 

I'm sure I'll post here about how I get on anyway.

[Owl]

That's ok...when you finally take my advice and realize that things are going so much better for you, I'll also be the first one to scream "I TOLD YOU SO!!!".

 

:)

[StaggerLee]

That's ok...when you finally take my advice and realize that things are going so much better for you, I'll also be the first one to scream "I TOLD YOU SO!!!".

 

:)

Fair enough I'd do exactly the same myself

[blueberry]

That's ok...when you finally take my advice and realize that things are going so much better for you, I'll also be the first one to scream "I TOLD YOU SO!!!".

 

:)

 

 

Yup - I'll vouch for that.

[blueberry]

I wish she had given me some sort of proper closure, like saying that she loved him and not me, but she didn't do that. Makes it so much harder to stop thinking about it, because part of me thinks that surely she can't carry on her life like that indefinitely, being unhappy and staying just for him.

 

.

 

 

I hear that. I'm in the same boat. Infact he made it clear on several occassions that he is most definately *not* in love with her.

 

But has he left? Nope.

 

And so StaggerLee, I would suggest you close up those lug-holes of yours and take heed of actions only.

 

Remove yourself from the situation (which I know you are trying to do). Problem is, it's human nature to covet what we cannot have, and so she may very well go through a period of chasing you again because you are cutting off contact. (my guy is doing exactly this).

 

However, chances are its a knee-jerk reaction to them being rejected. A death-throe as it were.

 

Hang tough.

[StaggerLee]

I hear that. I'm in the same boat. Infact he made it clear on several occassions that he is most definately *not* in love with her.

 

But has he left? Nope.

 

And so StaggerLee, I would suggest you close up those lug-holes of yours and take heed of actions only.

 

Remove yourself from the situation (which I know you are trying to do). Problem is, it's human nature to covet what we cannot have, and so she may very well go through a period of chasing you again because you are cutting off contact. (my guy is doing exactly this).

 

However, chances are its a knee-jerk reaction to them being rejected. A death-throe as it were.

 

Hang tough.

Blue you may be right about the death throes, she phoned me today. I'm afraid to say I was weak and I answered.

 

One of my colleagues is going through a tough time of her own (won't go into details but it makes my problems seem really insignificant), and she wanted to know how my colleague was doing and what more she could do to help. We spoke for about 20 minutes, mostly about my colleague.

 

Thing is, I know that she didn't have to phone me about it, and it certainly didn't warrant a 20 minute phone conversation because we've talked about it many times in the past (it has been an ongoing situation for the past couple of years). Problem is I couldn't bring myself to say "why the hell are you phoning me about this" because I felt it was disrespecting the gravity of my colleague's situation. By the way I know I'm being really vague about the situation but I'm wary that somebody may stumble across this thread and realise "Christ he's talking about me!".

 

I could tell she was nervous on the phone, at first she was stumbling over her words a little, I actually felt a little sorry for her

 

Anyway, she ended the conversation with the words "Speak soon", I just said "bye".

 

I'm going to try and be stronger tomorrow.

[whichwayisup]

"Speak soon",

 

Should've said, "Actually, it would be better if we didn't..." Then you say "bye."

 

She used this situation with the co-worker to CONNECT with you, that's obvious.

 

Stay strong!