djhall Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 The proposition that the person who does the asking or inviting should pay for the activity, or at least be prepared to pay for the activity. I generally agree, since the person who is inviting has control over the activity they are inviting too, and therefore has a large degree of control over the cost of the activity. The two questions that I have been wondering are: For the socially inept, what differentiates inviting where you/they expect to pay from inviting where you/they don't? If I say, "I'd like to take you to Hooters to watch the game over some hot wings and beer," I'm pretty sure I just implied that I am going to pay for whoever I said that to (I know, I just like using wacky stuff for examples). But if I say, "I'm going down to Hooters to watch the game over hot wings and beer, you should come," am I paying or not? Would it be different if I were saying that to another man instead of a woman? Also for the socially inept, when someone does treat you, how do you determine your comfort level when ordering things? If we go for a meal at Chili's where you are paying, I could get a Chicken Ranch sandwich and a Diet Coke and set you back $15. Or I could order a Spinach and Artichoke Dip appetizer with a Long Island Ice Tea, a Ribeye dinner with a beer, and Strawberry Cheesecake with a Chambord 1800 Margarita for desert which would set you back $60 (though if that were the case I'd probably also be a fat drunk). Do you just not worry about it, do you watch what they order as a guide, or do you use some other rule of thumb to gague what is appropriate?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 If someone else is paying I do not order the most expensive item on the menu. If there is steak and chicken, I will order chicken. I generally drink as much as they do. I let them set the pace on that.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I assume that someone is not treating me to a place that they cannot afford. As a general rule the host will usually order the wine (where applicable) and that is always an indication as to how they expect to order. Also, the host usually orders last so it's difficult to judge by that. Even if on an expense acct, I would rarely order the most expensive thing on the menu. If the host is ordering appetizers for the table, they usually ask what everyone is interested in then order there. For the most part if you are dining with someone you know, you have a good idea of what they might expect to spend and whether they will be ordering alcohol. It is very different I would assume in different socioeconomic classes. My 11 year old is used to ordering what he pleases when we go out, but if he is going to be dining with a friends family, we have a BIG talk on ordering before he leaves the house.
manugeorge Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 The proposition that the person who does the asking or inviting should pay for the activity, or at least be prepared to pay for the activity. I generally agree, since the person who is inviting has control over the activity they are inviting too, and therefore has a large degree of control over the cost of the activity. The two questions that I have been wondering are: For the socially inept, what differentiates inviting where you/they expect to pay from inviting where you/they don't? If I say, "I'd like to take you to Hooters to watch the game over some hot wings and beer," I'm pretty sure I just implied that I am going to pay for whoever I said that to (I know, I just like using wacky stuff for examples). But if I say, "I'm going down to Hooters to watch the game over hot wings and beer, you should come," am I paying or not? Would it be different if I were saying that to another man instead of a woman? Also for the socially inept, when someone does treat you, how do you determine your comfort level when ordering things? If we go for a meal at Chili's where you are paying, I could get a Chicken Ranch sandwich and a Diet Coke and set you back $15. Or I could order a Spinach and Artichoke Dip appetizer with a Long Island Ice Tea, a Ribeye dinner with a beer, and Strawberry Cheesecake with a Chambord 1800 Margarita for desert which would set you back $60 (though if that were the case I'd probably also be a fat drunk). Do you just not worry about it, do you watch what they order as a guide, or do you use some other rule of thumb to gague what is appropriate? As for the first question, as the asker, if you consider it a date in your mind, then you should ALWAYS pay in my opinion. It doesn't really matter how your phrase the actual asking. If I tell a platonic friend, "you should come", it means we're going dutch and it is up to them to tell me that they can't afford it. But in those cases, I think both parties understand that it's just a friend thing. But if I'm asking a guy I like and I say "you should come", then I'm definitely paying. I tend to settle the tab before the check comes so we don't even have any arguments about it. Second question, personally, I like to eat well, meaning, why order a salad when that fat juicy steak is staring me in the face and if I were paying for myself, then the sky is the limit, I'll definitely go for the steak BUT in the spirit of being considerate, I make it a rule of thumb to order something which costs less than what my date orders, if my date is paying for the meal. It may be a crappy BLT sandwich but I can always go home later and supplement it with my fat juicy steak. Sure, someone is willingly treating you but there are subtle ways to say thank you and not running up their tab IS one of the ways to express gratitude. Even when they say, "order whatever you want darling":p
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 These are difficult questions. You just know. I honestly don't know how because as soon as I try to put it in writing, there are so many ifs and buts (butts too, sometimes). Ah, one clear situation. If the menu shows up with no prices, you can be guaranteed you're being guested.
Geishawhelk Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 If I'm asking, and I don't want to pay anything, I'll say, "Why don't you think about coming along?" Or if it's a group, "...about joining us?" If I intend to pay, I'll say "My treat!" If I'd like to think they'll pay their way, I'll suggest, "Why don't we go Dutch for a meal?" (I don't know if this phrase is known, or common in the USA but 'going Dutch' means going halves on the Bill.) If I'm being asked out, and nothing seems mentioned, I'll ask beforehand, "Are we going dutch? I'm cool with that!" If there is no contradiction, I know I'll be forking out some cash. If they say - "No way! It's my treat!" I'll thank them. Then it depends how keen I am on them as to whether I go for the ham sandwich and glass of milk, or the whole side of roast beef and all the trimmings.
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