Steelrain21 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I've been on and off again with this girl for a little over a year and a half now. Even when we haven't been "on" we have still been the biggest things in each others lives for the most part. The longest we've gone without talking is about a week. Usually she'll start missing me and look for excuses to talk to me. Our longest "off" period was from February to May, and during that time I had hooked up with a couple different girls to try and get my mind off of her. I hadn't told her because I was afraid of her reaction since she is a very jealous person and is extremely ruled by her emotions. We were together for a couple months this summer and I had gotten a little too drunk and fooled around with someone (only time I've cheated). Again, I didn't tell her for fear of losing her. She heard some rumors here and there and finally got the truth by a long process of her finding bits and pieces of it over a couple weeks. That whole thing was actually the best thing that's ever happened to me. I realized how wrong I was about the truth. I was being selfish. So a month ago I told her everything I have ever not told her. She had a few things to tell me as well, a guy she made out with here and there last spring when we weren't together. So she was sort of in the same boat: didn't tell me some things because she was afraid of my reaction. I seen this as a good chance to build off of some really good things we had and have a good future. We get along great when we are together and now I thought we could build a future around trust after learning a lesson. She already was a pretty insecure and paranoid person and over the next three weeks we hung out as friends that were trying to make things work in the future. She thought I was still going around her back no matter how many security blankets I would give her. I would tell her to call my work if she felt she needed to and I told her I would always answer my phone no matter how late. Three weeks of that and she didn't seem like she was trusting me anymore. I was being a really great guy for her and wasn't getting credit for it so I thought it was time for her to be alone and away from me to get a chance to heal. Of course she thought it was so I could go meet other girls. We didn't talk for a week and then she texted me saying she really needed someone to talk to. She came over and told me she had been miserble and felt lonely the last week. She said she understood why I gave her space. The vibe I got from her was that she really cared and missed me and judging from the past I thought it looked like very soon she would realize that she wanted things to work. But that didn't happen. We went back to not talking for a few days and I heard she had hung out with a guy and his friend which she later told me wasn't a big deal. She called me the other day because she was wondering if I had told people much about what's going on with us lately. I don't know what it was but something clicked in my head that day and I realized that I really wanted things to work with this girl. I've always wanted them to before, but now I wanted to just forget all this not talking stuff and just have us do what it takes to get together. I've tried to be realisitic, I would not want to get together if it wouldn't work. I believe that any reason we've had trouble with in the past though is different and I think we have enough chemistry for a good future. I told her that I wanted things to work and I was happier with her in my life. She said that if things are meant to be it will work out, but it's hard for her to trust me and she doesn't think that's a good sign. She really didn't tell me much else because she said all she could think about was that she was annoyed about talking serious so much about us. She said she liked being single because of not getting jealous or having drama. She said she still loved me but it was just hard to show because she was annoyed of talking serious and was feeling stiffled. I texted her later on that evening to tell her that I meant what I said. I didn't want her to think it was a spur of the moment thing. She didn't answer until the morning saying that she just wanted to say she got my text and what I was trying to say. Then I didn't really hear anything from her until later that day and that was only when she called to tell me that someone told her they seen me flirting very heavily the night before I told her I wanted things to work. Ever since I told her I wanted things to work I haven't heard from her hardly at all, which is very strange when we are on speaking terms. I thought maybe she needs a little space to figure some things out so I wasn't going to talk to her and ask her to hang out until I hear something from her. This is NOT someone I could ever see myself being friends with. It would just hurt too much. If she is a lost cause then it would hurt a little less try and forget about her rather than drag it out. But I really would like it to work. I just don't know if I should give her lots and lots of space, or if she needs some more stability and committment from me in order to get her trust back.
westrock Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 But I really would like it to work. I just don't know if I should give her lots and lots of space, or if she needs some more stability and committment from me in order to get her trust back. You repeat several times that you would like it to work, but you give no indication what exactly you are going to do to make it work. Just because you want it to work is not enough to make it work. You need to do more. Make a plan. In your last sentance you sense that she needs more stability and committment -- those are core needs in a relationship so you need to focus on that as a minimum otherwise your on/off again cycle will continue. One more suggestion... learn to use paragraphs in your post.
Federica Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Just as a side note, please try to break long posts up into paragraphs, as seeing huge blocks of text can put people off reading them. Thanks. Sorry Westrock. Missed your last comment. I rest my case.
Author Steelrain21 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Sorry, I apologize about not organizing my paragraphs better. This situation means a lot to me so it becomes very easy to ramble on without thinking. In reply to Westrock, I had tried for three weeks straight to bust my butt to show that I could be committed and trustworthy, but the progress was very slow if any. That's when I had thought perhaps she just needs time apart to heal. My plan is to give her a little space for now. I have barely heard from her in the last few days which is unusual for when we are on speaking terms. That and she also verbalized the last time I seen her in person that she is "annoyed about talking about relationship stuff right now." I was thinking of not talking to her unless she talks to me for now, to give her a chance to figure some things out. Next week sometime I was thinking of doing something romantic and leaving a letter explaining to her that I realistically think we could be together if we wanted. Things are different since when we broke up, I think we learned good lessons. We both say we love each other so I think I should be able to be understanding about her gaining trust slowly and she should be able to to start trying to trust more. If we care then we should start working to get there, and if not then perhaps it's best to cut ties for good instead of making it painful and drawn out. I was thinking of putting those thoughts in the letter and telling her to get back to me when she has an answer.
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