Is she a rebound or did he not love me?

[holly86]

I'm back to square one...and have no idea what to do! I've posted my story on here a while ago but here's what happened in a nutshell:

 

I met this guy through a friend of mine a few months ago. After dating for about a month or so he told me that he wanted to take things slow and wait to become official until we both knew it was right. After we finally became official, he told me how much he loved me...bla bla. After a few months we even looked for houses to buy, talked about how many kinds we both wanted, and even what kind of pets we're going to have. Both agreed to wait a while before we get engaged. After a few months we started arguing about stupid things here and there. It started off with arguing every once in a while and ended with arguing once or twice a week. He lied to me about a few things but nothing too important to where I couldn't trust him anymore. Every time we had a fight he always ran after me. EVERY single time! Until the very last time we argued...he just bailed. So a week after the break up I went to go see him. We had a great time hanging out and finally got to talking. He told me he just wanted to be single and be independent for a while and figure out what he wants...he said that he will not be dating anyone while he's figuring things out though. So I believed!

 

It's been a month since I've seen him (I did the whole NC thing) and guess what? He is in a relationship. And I am talking about a SERIOUS relationship. He's going to meet her parents who live about 4 hours away...and so on. Apparently the most amazing girl ever?! What do you guys think? I know that it doesn't take someone a week to fall out of love with a person. Do you guys think it's a rebound or he really never felt anything for me in a first place?

[2sure]

From your post -"Every time we had a fight he always ran after me. EVERY single time!"

 

This sounds emotionally exhausting. Arguing that much in itself sounds like not much fun - but always having to be the one who goes back and tries again....

 

Maybe he was ready for a serious relationship, was in his heart looking for one - it doesnt sound like you were all that into him anyway?

 

Clearly, he had feelings for you! But you two were not meant to be.

[Karma101]

How do you know she's the "most amazing girl ever"? A friend of a friend of a friend?

 

I couldn't really tell, but it doesn't sound like you guys dated very long. A few months or so? I usually equate rebound relationships as happening after a divorce/separation or lengthy relationship. Just about everyone I know, myself included, has gotten involved in a rebound relationship post-divorce. Not sure I would call this a rebound after such a short time though. Maybe others will disagree.

[holly86]

We dated for almost a year. And yes I loved him very much! So much that I actually still feel guilty to even kiss a guy...and it's been over a month since we broke up! If I really didn't love him and didn't care I doubt I'd be on here posting this. We were both head over heels for each other! By 'him running after me' I meant that a few things he's said and done to cause an argument were definitely his fault and if it ever was me saying or doing something to upset him I did go an apologize. We'd always talk and at the end both end up apologizing to each other. And rebounds only happen after divorce? That is definitely not true. His first girlfriend and him broke up after 8 months and within a month he found himself a rebound. He told me that it was a huge mistake. And he shouldn't have done it but he did. And this sounds a lot like it. I feel like I put so much effort into this relationship and he just bailed so quickly and now that he is 'happy' i feel like i am getting pretty much stabbed in the heart all over again. And no I didn't hear it from a friend of a friend, I saw it on his facebook. He himself wrote that. I just don't get it? He wanted a long term relationship and so did I and if we would've worked through this a little harder it could've lasted...I am sure of it.

[superd]

holly, I don't think you should ever talk to this guy again. He did you majorly and irrevocably wrong. Now is not the time to beat yourself up or wonder what you did that was wrong, just get out of the way and let karma take care of his dumb ass.

[jolie78]

i agree with superd. how can you ever see him in the same way even if it is rebound? some people don't think that their actions have consequences.

[holly86]

It's not that it (the matter of whether or not she is a rebound) makes a difference to me in terms of whether I am going to take him back or not...but it would definitely help me move on from this heartache knowing that she is one. I've been doing so good about getting over him until I heard a rumor about his 'gf'. I called him and he didn't answer but sent me a text the next morning telling me that he is seeing someone. Then I went back to square one! I mean they've known each other for less than 4 weeks and he is already going to see her parents. We weren't even bf/gf in 4 weeks because he wanted to take it slow. I guess i just don't understand why he is doing it a.k.a. jumping in a relationship and rushing everything?

[EmperorR]

It's not that it (the matter of whether or not she is a rebound) makes a difference to me in terms of whether I am going to take him back or not...but it would definitely help me move on from this heartache knowing that she is one. I've been doing so good about getting over him until I heard a rumor about his 'gf'. I called him and he didn't answer but sent me a text the next morning telling me that he is seeing someone. Then I went back to square one! I mean they've known each other for less than 4 weeks and he is already going to see her parents. We weren't even bf/gf in 4 weeks because he wanted to take it slow. I guess i just don't understand why he is doing it a.k.a. jumping in a relationship and rushing everything?

 

it oculd be a rebound, that happens alot with the person who does the dumping, they don't want to think about the guilt or the other person and then so they move on and rush things quickly

[superd]

holly, just for the fact the your posts aren't making much sense right now, you definitely need to move on and forget about what he is doing with his life completely. His life and new girl are his business now, let go of being nosey and find a man that really cares about you.

[holly86]

How is this not making sense? I fell in love with a guy, i still love him, know that we aren't right for each other (at least not right now), very hurt by the sudden break up, and NOW hurting even more because he has a new girlfriend. I'm pretty sure that sums it up. I'm just trying to figure out why some guys jump the gun and get into another relationship if they say they love the other girl! Just trying to understand...not get an advise on what to do and, honestly, writing out everything in detail to where it would make perfect sense is impossible in a few sentences! Thinking that he can turn off his feeling for me so quickly hurts so much more! Just trying to figure things out!

[lofi_tokyo]

Hi Holly!

 

I just want you to know, I understand where you are coming from. My ex and I had problems in our relationship, but overall, he seemed adamant about the future. I guess he was not that serious though because he met a new girl while we were dating, and began to detach himself from me in order to befriend her.

 

We have been broken up about three weeks now, and they are dating.

 

Every fiber of my being wants to believe its a rebound. Not because I want him back, I'm disgusted by his behavior as of late, and the longer were apart the more I'm realizing I don't want him or thoughts of him in my head. HOWEVER, in spite of all this, I feel hurt because he left me for someone else. He tells me he has feelings for me still, but would not go back to me with her in his life. It makes me feel inadequate! So... I want to believe its a rebound because... I want to feel like it could have been anyone he dated, not a specific, special, girl. It makes me feel better. ;p

 

 

Fact is though, I don't think shes a rebound. I think he just moved on... sort of. He seems a bit confused, but hes set on moving on.

 

 

 

What your ex did to you was very wrong. What everyone is saying about moving on is true. Sounds like he has begun his process of moving on already. I think... rebound or not, if they work out or not... at the end of the day, the fact remains he is choosing her over you.. and it may not be a rebound so much as him just moving on... I'm sorry if thats the case :S

[JooLee]

holly, i truly feel you with ever word you wrote. i too was with someone for almost year, had constant arguments and then he left. and then he ignores me, pretends he doesnt know me, and 2 months after the break up he is with someone else, for one month already and he is telling her he loves her. i dont understand it myself.. sometimes i think he's just trying to convince himself that he's fine, at times i think all these while he has been lying to me, pretending all those **** lovey dovey act telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life wth me and sometimes i just feel he doesnt know **** what love is. he has only known her for a month and he's telling her he loves her? wat an idiot, really.

 

but what keeps me going, is the determination that i will be happy without him. He has moved on, so you should move on too Holly. i know its hard, and its not a race... just because he moved on faster doesnt mean you should go get a guy n get married before he does. Heal at your own pace. there will be days where u feel wow.. im so much better without him and there will be days where it feels like your heart is breaking all over again but you know what. it DOES get better in time. it really does.

 

its been 3 months since the break up and im still not ready to date. unlike him, im not pathetic and i dont need a guy to validate me. i'll heal at my own pace and work on myself

[lofi_tokyo]

unlike him, im not pathetic and i dont need a guy to validate me. i'll heal at my own pace and work on myself

 

Great attitude Joolee. Just hearing that makes me want to be stronger.

[Intergalactic]

honestly, he sounds like he has no idea what he really wants. i think it was a mistake to start talking about your future in such detail and looking for houses etc after being together for so little time, and perhaps the pressure ended up being too much for him. also, arguing a lot in a relationship spanning such a short time isn't a good sign for the future of the relationship.

i don't want to upset you, but perhaps he met someone who he didn't argue with so much and just felt better with. at the end of the day, he'd told you he wanted to be single and broken up with you, and while he told you he wouldn't be with other women, he still had every right to do so if he found someone.

the best thing you can do is try and move on as best as possible. find someone with whom things come easily and arguing isn't a problem. you will definitely be happy.

[holly86]

The only reason we argued was because we spent EVERY single day together over the summer! We both knew that it's probably not the best idea but we did it anyway because neither of us had anything else to do other than work. We both had our girls/boys nigh outs though still! And by arguing a lot I didn't mean every day for a year...last month was the only bad month....and even then we argued bout little things once or MAYBE twice a week. We've only had 3 big fights through out the entire relationship. And of course he found someone he doesn't fight with...they've been together for a few weeks...not even a month! They are still in the 'honeymoon' phase of their so-called relationship. We had that phase too. For about 4 months or so we didn't have a SINGLE fight either....things were perfect, but being around each other will make you argue! There is no way around it. And I am trying to move on but hearing new things about him and what not from friends or over facebook just makes it so much harder! I was doing GREAT for a whole month...I started eating, sleeping, having fun....then THIS! I can't help it that I still love him. If there was a switch that would turn off those feeling so I can forget about him....trust me I would've turned that switch off long time ago. I just feel like I have been betrayed. He talked about all these things (even during the last month) and then BAM...nothing! And believe me I never started the topic of buying a house...it was all his idea!

[JooLee]

thats what happens when you rush things and being so naive and thinking oh love can conquer it all.. IMO its BS. i made the same mistake in moving in with him and things turned out the exact as yours. what ive learnt is that perharps both parties were not ready for this kind of serious commitment (i know i wasnt and he wasnt too) . Im guessing you're 22 from the 86 from your nick. im 22 too.

 

what helps is to realise that people we care about will eventually do what they want in life and there's nothing we can do to stop it. he has decided to live his life without you and you have to decide that for yourself too. sometimes, thats the only choice we have. one thing, we have to stop obsessing about his actions, trying to understand his behaviour. we will never get the answer to it. instead start finding answers about yourself. what made you tick? why couldnt you get along with him? etc etc. and really do you want someone who doesnt want you? do you want someone who treats you this way? he is no longer the person he used to be. The guy you were with n knew for a year died the moment the walked away.

 

its only been one month since your break up no? and its all still fresh for you. but believe me and everyone else when they say time will heal cos it surely does. concentrate on other things. try your best not think of that selfish boy cos he surely isnt thinking of you. harsh truth but you have to get that to your head to move on.

 

if you ever need to talk, dont hesitate to PM me.

[holly86]

Yea I'm 22. Thank you so much for the advice. And I know that my whole life is still in front of me and I shouldn't worry about this break up too much. To be honest I really don't worry about him at all when I'm hanging out with the girls or other guys...it's mainly nights and mornings that are tough. Every time I lay down in my bed all I can think about is how I used to lay in his arms and now she has replaced me. Last time we hung out (a week after break up) he told me how he's been sleeping on the couch because it was too painful to sleep where I used to lay and how he can't listen to radio because it reminds him of me and also how going out to bars without me made him feel guilty! Was that all BS just like the 'i love you's? I just don't know what to do to help me sleep better at night?! How do I just forget him? Not think about him when I'm alone at home? Because to be honest...I really don't ever see myself dating this guy again...but my heart isn't letting go. I'm already busy with school and work but I still find time to think about him. Ahhhh

[0hpenelope]

Holly, for your sake... I hope you'll get to the point where you won't wonder anymore. Some people have found that it helps when they think of their exes doing other things with their new loves (it eventually gets played out like a song on the radio), and others have seen that tactic blow up in their face at the cost of their self-esteem, etc.

 

It sounds like you're not ready to. But in time, I hope you'll actively pull yourself out of such a mindset. It's got to be one of the worst positions to be in.

[2sure]

Holly - after any breakup it is emotionally difficult on many levels when the other person forms a new relationship. You wonder if they ever really loved you, what this new person has that you didnt, how the new relationship can work if yours didnt, all kinds of things. Even if you were the one that broke up, even if you know you dont want him back! Its crazy but sometimes people even second guess their decision to break up as soon as they see the ex with someone else. It will pass.