Staying friends with an ex?

[gidgetgirl]

Hi everyone,

 

I am most recently going through a messy break up (mostly at my hands ) and I was wondering how to go about salvaging a friendship.

 

We dated and lived together for about 5 years; there were a couple of time where we broke up very briefly (I think the most being a couple months or so - but we still lived together) but yeah pretty much we were a couple for 5 years.

 

He's a really great guy (yeah i know this is cliche to say, but i really mean it); but ultimately I kept coming back to this feeling that although he is such a wonderful person there was a problem with our sexual chemistry (ie. having sex about once a month, and it not being enjoyable). I tried to approach him about it several times and he got really defensive and we could really never sit down and talk about it with out there being an argument or it leading to an even bigger gaps between sex. I'm not going to blame that on him by any means because I'm sure we both could have approached it much differently. It seems we are both stubborn/defensive people so it's hard to discuss/agree on certain things. I think for most of the relationship that was a major issue: communication/insecurity (on both of our ends). I can't delve into all the complexities of each instance here with out writing a novel so I'll just leave it at this: I loved him, I thought he was a rare and unique person who I truly felt respected me and to help me grow..and I kept feeling guilty because I questioned us staying together and desired to become romantically involved with others. I didn't want to lose him from my life over something I thought I was just being shallow about (sex) and when I thought about the pain of losing him as a part of my daily life it was devastating. But time and time again I kept reaching this point of tension where I was tempted to have sex with someone else; and I felt hopeless in correcting this with him. So I stayed, and we had good times together, and I don't regret any minute of it... He was and is a wonderful person. This wasn't the only issue, but one of the ones that really bothered me. The underlying theme of the other issues were me feeling like he was too dependent on me for support (he worked part time at a low paying job at age 27 with minimal talk of the future, and was very defensive when talking about this - also he was very antisocial and neither one of us had very many friends that we regularly hung out with so we relied on each other for friendship...it was hard for me to make friends because all the potential "friends" were guys that wanted to get laid).... You see, he is a very bright person, he will talk to you until he is blue in the face about any number of topics with a depth and breadth of understanding - but money and corporate institutions have no meaning to him. I understood this but it was hard to work as a team when someone had to pay the rent and put food on the table.

 

You probably don't have to guess that the relationship ended this time due to me being unfaithful. I felt justified (although I'm sure mostly by not thinking through the consequences clearly) in doing this because I thought I had expressed my discontentment (even at one point telling him "i get urges to have sex with other people due to the lack of our sexual intimacy" in conversation before). He nodded and was calm about that whole thing. But anyway I told him immediately after I was unfaithful what happened and it really sent him over the edge. I have never seen him so upset in all the time I knew him; and quite frankly I didn't think he would react this way when in all other troubled times (comparable to this) he was relatively calm and collected. This of course put a delimma on me because I thought that me telling him was the beginning of the end; and then I really started to think about what I did...and I felt terrible. But at the same time I didn't want to jump back into the same old with him when neither one of us had time to digest the situation. I didn't want to get into another 5 years of the same thing, and then come to the same ending - I didn't feel mentally prepared enough or changed enough to not hurt him again. So as I got to know the guy I was unfaithful with I found that he was not what I thought he was and that I was not ready for any serious relationship with anyone. My ex and I continued to hang out, having a few sleep overs, but I had moved out into my own place etc. After a few weeks we gradually stopped contact and I started making new friends and meeting new people and I was hesitant to call him because I wasn't sure if I wanted to get back together or how to deal with the whole thing.

 

Anyway we ended up seeing each other a few times in between then with no sex/touching etc. I drove him to the airport to go see his family at 5 in the morning and picked him up several days later. When we got home (and even before he got back) I sensed that there was still some sexual tension/uncertainty/desires between us and I thought he might try to make a move..and he did. He asked if it was ok and I hesitated for a while ... I have been on a few dates with a different guy and I was still unsure about everything with our relationship. I told him about the new guy and he said was it bad that he was even more turned on now? My thoughts were... well it's not like we haven't done it before, and I felt bad because my ex is not exactly a chick magnet and I thought what the hell, why not...it's just sex? (Yes, stupid, but it made sense at the time).

 

Anyway after that rendesvous he called to ask me a favor (to go buy a car) and I told him I was busy but I could help him on the weekend. We got into a big argument because he suspected it was due to the new guy..why didn't I just tell him instead of not telling him why I was busy? So I told him yeah I was going to hang out with him (I didn't want to lie anymore than I already have; so much drama that comes with breaking up; again, probably mostly my fault). This set him into a fury of anger and he basically told me what a bad friend I was; the conversation wasn't going well and I didn't know what to say because I felt it was an argument over a deeper issue which was the lingering: are we going to be getting back together or not? and his feeling of rejection again - no matter what i said I was going to be wrong.

 

I end up telling him that I want to still be friends with him but maybe we should take some space apart to cool our emotions down. He replies by saying he wants no contact at all. I told him I respect that but that it hurts me to hear him say that and that my phone and email was open to him if he ever wanted to talk or needed anything.

 

The past couple days I feel like the break up is really just now starting to hit me. I feel ****ing awful for the whole thing and I really do love him (also note: in all 5 years he never told me he loved me, his reason being because the definition of the word love and what it means is different to everyone so he just wanted to avoid it, i had been in situations where the word love was abused and just a sign of insecurity so i flowed with it, but it did hurt a bit that he never said it). I always will; it hurts knowing that he doesn't want to talk again. I just want to know if there's a point or way to reconcile now or in the future? He was my best friend... 5 years... I can't imagine not having him in my life. It hurts...

 

Thanks for reading the lengthy story. Lol.

 

*Our break up happened in June BTW. And we started distancing a good amount of time about a month and a half ago.

[pandagirl]

Listen, you have just got to leave him be. You cheated on him and are dating new people, while he has to deal with the mess that you broke with him. I know its' so hard to have the center of your life just disappear, but pushing a friendship now might ruin it forever. Give him space. Maybe in time you guys can be friends, but not right now.

[CaliGuy]

Ok I read the whole thing and without writing a novel in reply here are my thoughts.

 

1. He never said he loved you in 5 years. This is bad. Though he may communicate about subjects he is interested in, he can not relay his feelings to you in a way that makes you feel loved.

2. He was not good with physical intimacy and though you tried to communicate it to him effectively many times, even to the point of telling him you were thinking about cheating, he wouldn't change.

3. He has no direction in life. He may be intelligent, but he has nothing going for him.

 

He is not, as most women would agree, a good lifelong partner. As great as many aspects of his life are to you, the core attribute necessary for a healthy and sustainable relationship aren't there: Feeling loved.

 

Honestly I think you did the right thing. For his sake though, I would go NC with him. I know that's going to be hard but he needs to move on and YOU need to move on. Staying friends with him doesn't benefit either of you. It will stop him from moving on with his life and it will stop you from moving on with your new guy. There is no need for you to stay friends. I understand you have a long history together but what's done is done.

 

Do both of you a favor and cut him off cold turkey. I know it sounds harsh but it truly is the quickest way for you both to heal. He's a full grown man and needs to learn to take care of himself. He will never learn to fish if you keep fishing for him, got me?

 

PS: The only aspect of your behavior I feel is up for criticism is cheating on him while you were still together. It would have been much better to break up first, then do what you feel you needed to do, than to be with him and sleep with another guy. That's bad mojo.

[gidgetgirl]

Thanks for the responses. I am happy to hear other people's points of views because I know it's hard to look at the situation clearly when I'm in the middle of it.

 

I guess it all boils down to acceptance/grief of losing someone important in your life. In a way it's like dealing with a death to go NC; not an easy task. I don't want to cause him anymore pain by continuing contact with him so I'm going to leave him be. Cold turkey forever? That's hard to wrap my head around right now but I am still raw with emotion. I am a bit unsure of how to or if i should continue contact with his mom. I know she loves him to death and will take his side the closest in consideration: and I'm sure she won't have as much sympathy for my side of the story - justifiably so to a certain degree (and I'm not even sure what she really knows about the whole thing anyway). She's a good person though and she is pretty open minded. The woman bought me a 16000 car for goodness sakes; she treated me like one of her own children. I told her that although the title was in my name that as far as I was concerned it was her car and she could make the choice. She was nice enough to tell us that we should decide how to handle it; so we sold it and split the cost. Anyway it sucks to lose two important people at once: is there any way to remain friends with her? And what information should I even reveal? I don't want to sound callous or come across that I didn't love her son (although she knows some of our past conflicts and acknowledges that he isn't agreed to be a good boyfriend by conventional terms). I talked to her on the phone after we both started to come to closer grips that it was over and told her through tears that no matter what happened I still loved her and appreciated everything she did for me; she was very appreciative of that.

 

Anyway, I think this whole thing would've been easier if I would have just broken it off before the cheating. I was still in denial about it all ending which is what paralyzed me from doing so. If I'm ever in a similar situation I'd like to think I have learned my lesson and would like to take a better route.

 

Thanks again

[wayfaerer1]

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with Caliguy,

 

My ex-gf cheated on me, and then a week or so later broke up with me.

 

It's tough enough dealing with a broken heart, but believe me, there is nothing worse than betrayal.

 

That's what hurts more to me right now, not the fact that my ex broke up with me, but that she cheated.

 

Being betrayed is a horrible sickening feeling - I would know.

 

But the only thing that is helping me is not talking to her.

 

I still feel like I have the knife in my back, but I'm taking it one day at a time, and I really hope that she just stays away from me.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks for the responses. I am happy to hear other people's points of views because I know it's hard to look at the situation clearly when I'm in the middle of it.

 

I guess it all boils down to acceptance/grief of losing someone important in your life. In a way it's like dealing with a death to go NC; not an easy task. I don't want to cause him anymore pain by continuing contact with him so I'm going to leave him be. Cold turkey forever? That's hard to wrap my head around right now but I am still raw with emotion. I am a bit unsure of how to or if i should continue contact with his mom. I know she loves him to death and will take his side the closest in consideration: and I'm sure she won't have as much sympathy for my side of the story - justifiably so to a certain degree (and I'm not even sure what she really knows about the whole thing anyway). She's a good person though and she is pretty open minded. The woman bought me a 16000 car for goodness sakes; she treated me like one of her own children. I told her that although the title was in my name that as far as I was concerned it was her car and she could make the choice. She was nice enough to tell us that we should decide how to handle it; so we sold it and split the cost. Anyway it sucks to lose two important people at once: is there any way to remain friends with her? And what information should I even reveal? I don't want to sound callous or come across that I didn't love her son (although she knows some of our past conflicts and acknowledges that he isn't agreed to be a good boyfriend by conventional terms). I talked to her on the phone after we both started to come to closer grips that it was over and told her through tears that no matter what happened I still loved her and appreciated everything she did for me; she was very appreciative of that.

 

Anyway, I think this whole thing would've been easier if I would have just broken it off before the cheating. I was still in denial about it all ending which is what paralyzed me from doing so. If I'm ever in a similar situation I'd like to think I have learned my lesson and would like to take a better route.

 

Thanks again

 

No you can't be friends with his mom. They're a package deal, your ex and her. And it's HIS mom, not yours. It's not fair to either of them to continue talking to them. If you talk to his mom she will eventually feed the info to her son. And if you ever go see her, odds are you will bump into your ex. And what are you going to do if one day he brings his new G/F over to meet his mom and low and behold, his ex is there visiting?

 

Nothing good can come of you remaining friends with your ex's mom. I have been in your exact shoes and as much as it hurt everyone, I had to break off the relationship with her family. That's HER family, not mine.

 

Time to move on, leave the past behind and let people heal. It sucks, but that's life and it's the best way to deal with a breakup.

 

Stick to NC.

[Melrapuo]

This sounds almost exactly my situation with my ex. We dated two years. She eventually left me because she had feelings for another guy. Claimed that I was never there for her (I used to tell her that I loved her almost every day. I suspected something though when she started saying 'hearts' instead of I love you back.) Said I wasn't intimate enough, but she admitted to being the same. I don't know if she had sex with the other guy before she broke up with me, but emotional cheating is enough. Either way, she left the guy she broke up with me for, and after a while I just asked for no contact at all.

 

The guy is hurting, badly. I don't believe that you'll ever know what kind of feeling that is until it does happen to you (and I'm not wishing that upon you, of course.) I only hope that my ex has at least come to the same conclusion as you, and has realized that she also totally ****ed things up.

 

I know I have my problems, and I'm sure your ex is considering his own as well. I, too, had no direction in life, but I was going to school at the time of the break up (graduating this fall). Since then, I have created a resume, have gone to job fairs, and I'm trying to improve my life for the better. (Not to mention improved my health, emotionally and physically). My ex had the audacity, however, to claim that I had no direction in life, when she in fact had NOT gone to school, moved out of her house at age 18 and had regretted it since. But I'm the one who isn't a reliable life partner. Go figure. (As you can tell, I still have resentment for a lot of things. Broke up in June as well, requested no friendship/NC since late August.)

 

This is what he may be doing right now too. Sometimes it takes dramatic events in one's life to kick them in the ass and start to grow up. You have to stay away from him, for his own sake. If you want to at least say your peace, write a letter and don't send it. It tends to help you feel at least some closure on your end. His NC is protecting himself from getting hurt any more. He doesn't want to be friends - and in all honesty, what you did wasn't something a friend would do. I understand people have these sudden urges and assume they're doing the right thing, but it follows suit with the same way he feels when he flips out over little things that you two have talked about since the break up. No one had their heads on straight. Now is the time for both of you to heal.

 

Jeez, sometimes I just don't understand how things end up happening the way they do. But I guess you live and learn.

[EmperorR]

This sounds almost exactly my situation with my ex. We dated two years. She eventually left me because she had feelings for another guy. Claimed that I was never there for her (I used to tell her that I loved her almost every day. I suspected something though when she started saying 'hearts' instead of I love you back.) Said I wasn't intimate enough, but she admitted to being the same. I don't know if she had sex with the other guy before she broke up with me, but emotional cheating is enough. Either way, she left the guy she broke up with me for, and after a while I just asked for no contact at all.

 

The guy is hurting, badly. I don't believe that you'll ever know what kind of feeling that is until it does happen to you (and I'm not wishing that upon you, of course.) I only hope that my ex has at least come to the same conclusion as you, and has realized that she also totally ****ed things up.

 

I know I have my problems, and I'm sure your ex is considering his own as well. I, too, had no direction in life, but I was going to school at the time of the break up (graduating this fall). Since then, I have created a resume, have gone to job fairs, and I'm trying to improve my life for the better. (Not to mention improved my health, emotionally and physically). My ex had the audacity, however, to claim that I had no direction in life, when she in fact had NOT gone to school, moved out of her house at age 18 and had regretted it since. But I'm the one who isn't a reliable life partner. Go figure. (As you can tell, I still have resentment for a lot of things. Broke up in June as well, requested no friendship/NC since late August.)

 

This is what he may be doing right now too. Sometimes it takes dramatic events in one's life to kick them in the ass and start to grow up. You have to stay away from him, for his own sake. If you want to at least say your peace, write a letter and don't send it. It tends to help you feel at least some closure on your end. His NC is protecting himself from getting hurt any more. He doesn't want to be friends - and in all honesty, what you did wasn't something a friend would do. I understand people have these sudden urges and assume they're doing the right thing, but it follows suit with the same way he feels when he flips out over little things that you two have talked about since the break up. No one had their heads on straight. Now is the time for both of you to heal.

 

Jeez, sometimes I just don't understand how things end up happening the way they do. But I guess you live and learn.

 

my girl or should i say my ex is the exact same. The I was never there, never gave enough attention etc. when i was thee 24/7 every day msgn and leaving voicemails when she didnt pick up

[Melrapuo]

I'm gonna include the part where I became really close with her family as well. At the start of the break up, I went to them for advice, and they weren't happy with what she had done, nor the direction her life was taking since. I didn't want to lose them, because they had become my family as well. And after we broke up, I learned from her mom and dad that even though we were no longer going out, they still considered me a part of their family as well (that made me feel so good inside - at least some indication that I wasn't a complete screw up lol). But eventually I knew that they were HER family, not mine. I wished them the best as well, thanked them for all their help (job, support), and let them be.

 

Everything gets easier with time. Who knows - anyone can tell you that you two can never be friends again, can never date again. No one knows the future. But I'd listen to CaliGuy. Don't contact him. Let him be for now. Let time and healing take its course. But if there is something that you feel you want to tell him - that you NEED to tell him. Let him know. Just understand that he may reject you, especially if its nothing more than getting back together. However, even if that is what you would eventually want - a second chance - then you have to wait a bit. Too much is still swirling around emotionally.

 

I know losing a best friend sucks. I had to let go of my best friend, despite my emotions telling me otherwise. And I only dated my ex for 2 years. I don't know how it would feel if we had dated for even longer. If you really just want friendship, it will probably be a long time before that could ever happen. But if you still have feelings for him? Understand that any attempts now by you may be futile. Reconciliations can happen with someone who cheated on their ex/left them for someone else, but rebuilding this relationship takes a lot of time and patience. If you're not willing to do that, then don't bother contacting him at all. Cheaters dig themselves into VERY big holes, and from what I hear a good portion of them regret it afterwards. I don't like hearing people say that "generally, exes don't get back together."

 

I don't believe that, because you hear about exes getting back together every now and then. It may not happen often, but I think it happens more often then you hear. That being said though, I don't want to give you false hope that things will ever be reconciled between the two of you. Do what you truly think is the best thing in your heart - just be prepared to either hear nothing in return, or be rejected, either as a friend or more.

[Melrapuo]

my girl or should i say my ex is the exact same. The I was never there, never gave enough attention etc. when i was thee 24/7 every day msgn and leaving voicemails when she didnt pick up

 

At the beginning of break ups, we tend to say things we don't mean. Or we look for reasons justifying our actions. Sometimes we demand more for our SO than they can give, and expect too much. This usually means either a. immaturity, b. unrealistic ideals, or c. wanting the honeymoon period back in the relationship. There may have been moments when you weren't paying attention to her, or at least not the way she wanted. She probably exaggerated the impact it had on her and made it a more broad generalization (i.e. claming that you were NEVER there for her, when in reality you know you were, and she probably does too) only to validate her reasoning.

 

However, in the end, the blame game stops. Things die down, fade out. Life sucks sometimes, but when the dust settles, I'm sure both sides miss the other in some way. That is with the exception of abuse and other extremely scarring and incompatible aspects of certain relationships.

[CaliGuy]

I don't think she's looking to go back to him. She wants to maintain a friendship which, at this point, it's not healthy for anyone.

 

Her ex needs to clean his act up. He's not ready to be in a LTR or marriage. The OP is far more mature than her Ex and ready for a comitted, lasting relationship. At this point trying to go back when her Ex hasn't matured or grown as a man is tantamount to failure. They will end up breaking up again because nothing was learned and nothing has changed.

 

What she needs to do is leave him and his family be and move on with her life. Her ex needs this to get his life moving in the right direction. He will now either pull himself up by the bootstraps and get his life in order or he'll continue down the blissful path of ignorance to his behavior. Either way, she needs to leave him be.

 

If he changes and wants to try again and IF she is available then maybe a second chance would work. Right now I just don't see that happening.

 

Forward is the right path, not backwards.

[Melrapuo]

I don't think she's looking to go back to him. She wants to maintain a friendship which, at this point, it's not healthy for anyone.

 

Her ex needs to clean his act up. He's not ready to be in a LTR or marriage. The OP is far more mature than her Ex and ready for a comitted, lasting relationship. At this point trying to go back when her Ex hasn't matured or grown as a man is tantamount to failure. They will end up breaking up again because nothing was learned and nothing has changed.

 

What she needs to do is leave him and his family be and move on with her life. Her ex needs this to get his life moving in the right direction. He will now either pull himself up by the bootstraps and get his life in order or he'll continue down the blissful path of ignorance to his behavior. Either way, she needs to leave him be.

 

If he changes and wants to try again and IF she is available then maybe a second chance would work. Right now I just don't see that happening.

 

Forward is the right path, not backwards.

 

Ah, must've misread something heh. Then I'll agree, NC is the best way to go.

[LoveizPrison]

if u dont want to be haunted by his memory, stay away....far away.

[gidgetgirl]

It's tough enough dealing with a broken heart, but believe me, there is nothing worse than betrayal.

 

That's what hurts more to me right now, not the fact that my ex broke up with me, but that she cheated.

 

Being betrayed is a horrible sickening feeling - I would know.

 

But the only thing that is helping me is not talking to her.

 

I still feel like I have the knife in my back, but I'm taking it one day at a time, and I really hope that she just stays away from me.

 

Yeah, as weird as it may sound I do sympathize with this..which is part of the reason I am so torn up. I know that it must be an overwhelmingly painful feeling to be betrayed; I can't imagine being in his shoes. I would probably handle it much worse than he has. I can see how not talking can help you to cope and move on from the situation. I think I feel bad most of all because of how I handled the situation and ruined the potential for friendship or a second chance in the future. It hurts knowing that his perception of the stability of our relationship was completely shattered; it hurts knowing that the pain I feel is nothing in comparison to him...and that when he tells his friends and family what happened it will dismiss any good things or times we had together because of how I chose to deal with this thing. /sigh

 

If you talk to his mom she will eventually feed the info to her son. And if you ever go see her, odds are you will bump into your ex. And what are you going to do if one day he brings his new G/F over to meet his mom and low and behold, his ex is there visiting?

 

His mom lives half way across the country so I only talk to her via email. But I guess I have said my piece to her and although she will never know my entire side of the story I have a feeling that she saw this type of thing coming (we've talked about it before)...although I also know she would've loved to see things work out. She praised me for "taking care" of him and being the "responsible daughter" she never had...which is why she bought me a car and helped pay for my college. Her kids are all free spirits - having trouble getting their stuff together, going to school, or maintaining a romantic relationship. Her other 2 boys are single and have been for years and years (they are older than my ex).

 

I know I have my problems, and I'm sure your ex is considering his own as well. I, too, had no direction in life, but I was going to school at the time of the break up (graduating this fall). Since then, I have created a resume, have gone to job fairs, and I'm trying to improve my life for the better. (Not to mention improved my health, emotionally and physically). My ex had the audacity, however, to claim that I had no direction in life, when she in fact had NOT gone to school, moved out of her house at age 18 and had regretted it since. But I'm the one who isn't a reliable life partner. Go figure. (As you can tell, I still have resentment for a lot of things. Broke up in June as well, requested no friendship/NC since late August.)

 

This is what he may be doing right now too. Sometimes it takes dramatic events in one's life to kick them in the ass and start to grow up. You have to stay away from him, for his own sake. If you want to at least say your peace, write a letter and don't send it. It tends to help you feel at least some closure on your end. His NC is protecting himself from getting hurt any more. He doesn't want to be friends - and in all honesty, what you did wasn't something a friend would do. I understand people have these sudden urges and assume they're doing the right thing, but it follows suit with the same way he feels when he flips out over little things that you two have talked about since the break up. No one had their heads on straight. Now is the time for both of you to heal.

 

I never told him that he had no direction in life; I just questioned what he wanted from life and tried to get an idea of our future. I was curious because I wondered what would happen if we wanted to raise a family some day? Or when we got older and started to rely on retirement money that wasn't there. What about medical expenses which were bound to increase as we aged? His argument was always very buddhist like in that he said he just wanted to be happy - and **** the consumerism lifestyle and what others tell you that you need in order to be happy or live a good life. While I respected that view I reminded him that we were still a part of society and that I had no intention of living out in the woods and growing old with out preparation. Deep down I felt shallow for having these feelings though which is what made me stay. I told him that although he may be find with that I wanted to prepare as much as a I could so that I when I got older I could take care of myself (because I've seen the burden that getting older puts on other family members etc.) I have worked very hard without support from my family to get my associates degree and work my way up in the jobs I've had so that I am now able to support myself independently. (Maybe this is part of the reason I felt more ready to leave now). Meanwhile he has enrolled and dropped out of college courses after one semester and worked at the same low paying jobs for the past few years (part time)... barely making enough to pay his bills (and for a while not working or making enough to pay his part of the bills, period). It took him 5 years (us breaking up) to finally take the initiative to get his drivers license restored! While I respect his choice to live life as he pleases it still does put a burden on my lifestyle choices to be in partnership with someone who doesn't seem to want to plan for the future. "He doesn't want to be friends - and in all honesty, what you did wasn't something a friend would do" Yes, I can see that, and he has expressed the same to me. I have been there to try and help him and gradually I have let go of trying to hold his hand through every step of the way. I do admit he has been an excellent emotional and intellectual advisor - which is what pains me the most to leave. He has helped to guide me from depression and change my whole perspective of life by teaching ME how to fish in these realms.

 

 

Her ex needs to clean his act up. He's not ready to be in a LTR or marriage. The OP is far more mature than her Ex and ready for a comitted, lasting relationship. At this point trying to go back when her Ex hasn't matured or grown as a man is tantamount to failure. They will end up breaking up again because nothing was learned and nothing has changed.

 

What she needs to do is leave him and his family be and move on with her life. Her ex needs this to get his life moving in the right direction. He will now either pull himself up by the bootstraps and get his life in order or he'll continue down the blissful path of ignorance to his behavior. Either way, she needs to leave him be.

 

If he changes and wants to try again and IF she is available then maybe a second chance would work. Right now I just don't see that happening.

 

I really feel that he needs his time to grow and mature; and that I need mine. We have been each others crutches for a while in different aspects of our lives. I was hoping that from all this he could really take a chance to look about what he wants from life from a realistic standpoint; one where I won't be there to continue his procrastination of getting things together for himself so he can support himself independently in the way he chooses. I feel like in a way I have been holding him down to. I still have my doubts and regrets about breaking things off and wonder if I should try for a second chance... but I don't want to blindly jump into this when we are both pretty much the same people we were a couple of months ago. Maybe some distance and growth needs to happen before we can get to that point. It still tears me up thinking about it...and knowing that I could have possibly lost my best friend forever.