Sysyphus28 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 We moved to a new state to a new town together. We broke up 3 motnhs and live in seperate places now. I'm in apt, she moved into a dorm where she goes to school. I have been obsessing and have not been able to shake her off my mind. She won't talk to me now after a series of redudant and emotional conversations(in person and on the phone). I ran into her and it floored me. She was dispassionate and really COLD. I tried to be nice but she didn't want to have anything to do with me. She has told me she is not comfortable with me at her dorm, and hasn't actively called me for anything..............to say or do anything. We have mutual friends, and they hang out with her sometimes. I saw her on sunday when I stopped by at a freinds house to surprise a bunch of people. It was awkward and I made an ass out of myself. She didn't want to talk to me and I was completely embarrassed! I never thought it would be so un-friendly between us. All I want to do is call her or write her to reconcile things, but A. She might take this as harrasment....and who knows...it could be really bad for me B. My dignity is already in the toilet C. if she doesn't answer or respond(which she probably won't) it will make me more unhappy I'm thinking about zoloft. I even went to a counselor for some talking sessions. It didn't help. She was some old lady who was so far removed from what I was feeling....it was like talking to a wall. I am a smart person who is aware of what I am going through, I just don't know how to stop Wanting....and needing, and thinking she is worth this #@$%.
Geishawhelk Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 This isn't Love (because it's not returned) this is an obsession. She's sending you messages loud and clear. "It's over, I don't want to see you any more, I don't want to speak to you any more, I don't want to be with you any more. Please get it. It's over and done with." The only way she can try to get it through your head is to act, and be, the way she's acting and being now. If one counsellor wasn't the right deal, you need to find someone else to talk to. Drugs are not the answer. If you're smart and intelligent then know that she might well be worth this #@$%. In fact, she is, and she knows she is. Just not from you. Take a deep breath and tell yourself: I lived without her before, I can do it again. I'm better than this. Come on man, pull it together. Scream, yell, vent, get it out your system. Better out than in. Better yell than pill.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 I really need to pull it together. I had no clue that "losing her" would affect me so drastically. I still go out and have fun, I still date....... I am blaming myself because she is only 21 and I'm 28. She obviously wants to have fun in a college setting, and not live with a man and play house. Our apartment was nice, and I felt like I had all my ducks in a row. New state, good job, apt, girlfriend.............now everything is different. I feel old and thrown away(even though I have friends and casual lovers). Maybe zoloft isn't the answer, but what is. It consumes 2-3 hours of thought a day.........maybe less, maybe more. I miss her, and I feel like a repeating ghost.
nopainnogain Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Hey buddt ,its over. The sooner you accept it the better off you are.
StrongAl Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I really need to pull it together. I had no clue that "losing her" would affect me so drastically. I still go out and have fun, I still date....... I am blaming myself because she is only 21 and I'm 28. She obviously wants to have fun in a college setting, and not live with a man and play house. Our apartment was nice, and I felt like I had all my ducks in a row. New state, good job, apt, girlfriend.............now everything is different. I feel old and thrown away(even though I have friends and casual lovers). Maybe zoloft isn't the answer, but what is. It consumes 2-3 hours of thought a day.........maybe less, maybe more. I miss her, and I feel like a repeating ghost. I am in a similar situation, and had a similar age difference. 26 vs 19. One of the things I tried to keep track of even when I finally decided upon letting my emotions go is that this girl is young and she needs to live her life. She isn't ready, no matter WHAT SHE SAYS, NO MATTER HOW I FEEL. I know better, I am the older, more experienced one. So are you my friend. So of course the time came when she pulled a 180,(from I love you to I don't care about you disguised in cute excuses) gave me the "i need space I am not ready for a relationship and I want to be friends talk" (aka I want to try the next guy I found or I need you to be here for me as a friend until I find the next guy). It was inevitable. And when you are emotionally and romantically invested, you can't do that. Having the other person around only makes it worse. So you have to separate yourself until you feel like they do...INDIFERENT! It is the opposite of love. Not hate. If she hated you, you can turn that back around. When they are indiferent, it's over and you need to find that state as QUICKLY as possible too. Yes it hurts, even though I am older, even though I know these things. I know you are hurting too. Yes I miss her. Yes I cared for her. But having been in a MUCH MUCH worse situation beforehand after a 3 and a half year relationship ended where I thought my whole world and life ended.....I am able to deal with this much much easier. YOU WILL TOO! But this is what I did: Last time she called and met me(like she always did) only to mess with me, I got angry. I told HER I didn't want her either. I looked her dead in the eyes and agreed with her when she told me we were just too different, and said I AGREE. I have not called her since. She hasn't called me. Does it bother me? Sure. Do I still miss her? Yeah. But I know she is no good for me. If she was she would be here right now giving a damn about my feelings. My friends are. My family is. That's who is most important and don't EVER forget that. Women like her and like yours come and go. Love can come and go, even with the same person. The one that will stay, on her own free will, without you having to fight so hard to keep her....that's the one you need to treat like a queen. So keep dating, keep yourself occupied and begin to think about the things that truly define her and the person she is. A woman who doesn't care about her boyfriend. Who has the ability to see that he is hurt, and yet she continues to keep contact and SHE KNOWS it's hurting him. See HER FAULTS. Make yourself SEE THEM. Ask yourself wouldn't it be better to have a girl that has a lot of the qualities you like in her, but also is capable of RETURNING your feelings? Sure she exists. She's out there. And when you find her, you will see your current obsession for who she really is. What makes it harder is that the more you turn her into an obsession, so not only are your feelings hurt, but you continue to hurt your own pride and dignity and it will continue to make it harder to get over her until you take some of that power away from her. And it is ALL IN YOUR HEAD.
Intergalactic Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 try and separate yourself from the situation. set yourself goals, have little projects, do something you've always wanted to do because now you can! there's always so much time on your hands after a break up, and so it's the perfect time to start doing stuff for YOU. also, you need to find another therapist. preferably a psychiatrist - someone who can medicate you if they see fit, because psychologists/counsellors can't. i take zoloft for depression and epilim (as a mood stabiliser) for bipolar disorder and it has really really helped me. i'm also in therapy. however, you should talk over why you want to use zoloft with your psychiatrist, because it's not an answer to being happy after your break up.
0hpenelope Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Drugs is Plan Z, bro. If you've tried everything - and I mean everything short of killing yourself (which I hope you won't) - then that's when you should even consider taking meds. NC now. Focus on yourself and get this funk out of your system in healthier ways.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Hey StrongAl.....That was great advice. And I will probably read and re-read that post over and over again. I miss her like crazy, and when she cut me off and was "indifferent" I didn't know what to do! With the help of this forum I am realizing that I am not alone or that crazy. I am human. Thier are other woman who I don't have to coax feelings out of. It has been a week NC............it is really hard not to express my emotions to her. It really is kind of sad. I wake up and think of her and I am constantly looking around when I am out on the town! I am sure the age thing made this relationship ending inevitable. A woman in her early twenties in college wants to have fun and be free. I am sure it was stifling being with a man with a job and an apt and bills, etc. No naked twister in my apt................but anyway. I just want this pain and longing to go away! It comes and goes when I least expect it.
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