kric0216 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Well, I guess I am in need of a little advice from a few people who have been there.. A few months ago i found out my WS was having an EA,which he swore was nothing at that time. But, it turns our my gut was right and the ea was really PA, however he swears no sex, they just "fooled around" and had drinks together alone in her apartment alot, OKAY!!. anyways we went to counceling to try to make it work, he ended it several times, i dont have to go into all the normal stuff, we can all just fill in the blanks with the sterotypical he couldnt end it, but he couldnt leave me or our kids blah blah, finally i left he ended it, to my knowledge, and believe me i check EVERYTHING.. anyways so we are trying to move on,and i thought we were doing well emotionally and physically connecting. we are doing it like rabbits and i think everything is great. well all the sudden i find porn, and not even the better stuff and then i put 2 x 2 together my history on my computer is being deleted, and hes been looking alot. i mean i try not to freak out because we are communicaating and i am learning to be understanding and not yell and not be mad just talk. So I asked him about it and he says its been months since he looked at it (meaning he didnt look at it at all while he had the ea and was with the ow), and he dosent know why he has been looking at it he just has.. (what kind of excuse is that)(u say u didnt look at it the 3 months it was me and the ow and now its just me again and it comes up!) ugh to mae it worse it happens everytime i leave and go somewhere with the kids and hes alone at the house.. i mean should i feel like this is as big a slap in the face as i do?? I am really confused and mad here, i mean I knew he had casually looked at porn while we were together before, usually when i was out of town or so i thought, however he later admitted to me it was more than that. Now with us just trying to get past the EA/PA and all i just feel like this is too much to bear and what makes it worse the more i think about it the more i think i am the one really doing the work here. is this normal for men to go through? I am not being conceited but i am an attractive woman and we have a good sex life, so why this?? Am i reading to much into feeling inadequate and maybe he never was happy with me and thats why he looked at porn with me and when she was in the picture there was no need for it? what makes it worse is i suggested taking "fun" pictures for him and he laughed it off like i wouldnt, and i ask him his fantasys (which everyone should have right?) he says he dosent have any. am i grasping at straws for a marriage to work that was always doomed or am i just a woman with a still very raw wound reading more into this than should be? Sorry for the long and ramblesome post but at this point i really need a shoulder to cry on and some friendly advise. Thanks
OrangeKin Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 If he is deleting his internet history without you knowing I don't think that is a good sign; he is not being completely honest with you. I hope when he laughed at your idea, he was really tickled/excited, not laughing like it was a joke. You never know until you try? Anyhow, how long has it been since you found out? You may have very good reasons for staying and very good reasons for leaving, but one good piece of advice I heard was to NOT make the decision, whatever it is, if you had just recently found out about the PA. (i.e. Don't make this life-altering choice when you're still fresh in shock/pain etc.) I'm sorry you're going through this.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 what makes it worse is i suggested taking "fun" pictures for him and he laughed it off like i wouldnt, and i ask him his fantasys (which everyone should have right?) he says he dosent have any. His denial of your attempts to "play" along with him means he's still keeping secrets. To put it bluntly, it looks like you're trying your hardest to make things work...and he isn't. I can only guess that he's holding on to some thing from his A (hopefully the thing he's holding onto isn't her ) and so the ball's in your court. You can't do the work for both of you... Mr. Lucky
Author kric0216 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 OrangeKin, it has been 4 months since i discovered the Ea and 2 months since i found out about the pa, and I found out about that because the night i said it was over he went to the ow and got plastered they "almost" had sex, and he couldnt do it, and he came home drunk off his A&& and was very broken and told me everything and said he never meant for that blah blah they were friends, well she called me to "apologize" after it was over and i called her on several lies, one of which was "nothing ever happened" but why would my drunken husband lie whenn he knew it could be over, and the porn findings have been within the last week.. so i am very torn. As far as the "fun" pictures he dosent think i have the guts to do it or could find a photographer to do them, but i have a friend who takes amazing pictures and i would be comfortable enough to do it. i get the same feeling you do mr.lucky and i am a pretty intuitive/discerning person and i think hiding is still going on, but i am supposed to be able to trust again right? someday?
blueintheface Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Just wondering did your husband have individual counselling? Maybe the problem isn't the marriage but something within him? One word of advice though: i personally would not take naked pics for him .... I sincerely believe that your husband has not earned your trust enough to be in possession of such private, personal items. Maybe i'm just overly cautious.
OrangeKin Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Yeah that pesky gut feeling! Is he truly making no or minimum effort on his part to make you feel you are doing all the work? What barriers does he have to making his marriage survive? I agree with blue, he may have more issues than you're aware of, that he may not even know himself. He needs to figure out what exactly he needs/wants.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 i get the same feeling you do mr.lucky and i am a pretty intuitive/discerning person and i think hiding is still going on, but i am supposed to be able to trust again right? someday? Well, we trust those that prove themselves worthy. It's not given, it's earned. Your instincts are probably right and, having erred, it's up to your H to conduct himself in a way that addresses your legitimate fears. What did your MC say about your situation? Mr. Lucky
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Kric, How do you know that the reason for deleting history is porn alone? It might not hurt to install a keylogger to find out exactly which sites he is frequenting. That might give you more insight into what is going through his mind. Sorry you are having to deal with this.
Author kric0216 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Kric, How do you know that the reason for deleting history is porn alone? It might not hurt to install a keylogger to find out exactly which sites he is frequenting. Well, I already thought of that and ended up putting a virus on my laptop and on top ot that i put it on and then couldnt figure out ho to read the dang reports. If you know of any good easy to use ones please pass on the advice. Well, we trust those that prove themselves worthy. It's not given, it's earned. Your instincts are probably right and, having erred, it's up to your H to conduct himself in a way that addresses your legitimate fears. What did your MC say about your situation? You are so very right, and I am not a very trusting person to start. MC well lol yeah "I am supposed to be more understanding", WHaT! ugh needless to say were no longer going there, and i am looking for another one.
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