Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 Well, it seems your bf wants to do the same thing he is complaining women are trying to do, namely pick and choose between equality and non-equal gender roles depending on which is more advantageous for him. Sorry, buddy, but you can't have it both ways in my opinion. Equality cuts both ways, when you are co-equal, and you contribute equally to the partnership, he can't turn around and say he is the "head of the household" because he is the man, which I assume mostly means he gets to be the tiebreaker and have things his way whenever you two disagree and he wants to put his foot down. I don't suppose he wants you both to work full time jobs, but expects you should also cook all the meals, do all the laundry, and clean the house while he only mows the lawn, washes the car, and sits in the armchair complaining about what a hard day he had at work? I have a feeling he just might
djhall Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I have a feeling he just might Well, don't you worry your pretty little head about this anymore. Make me coffee and I'll figure this out for you.
Trialbyfire Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 4giv, both of you are majorly conflicted. At the beginning of this thread, you clearly agreed with members who believed that the man should pay for everything, that you were a "jewel". Now you've changed your stance to say that you pay sometimes. His making $100K makes no difference to what you should be contributing. If he doesn't want to contribute, that's fine too. It really is his money. The two of you are a dating couple, not a married couple with co-mingled finances. Having said all that, if you want an equal partnership for later on, you'd better start looking at what being an equal partner means. Same goes for your b/f. He'd better realize that real equality is going to have a major impact in how he views you and himself.
a4a Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I always insisted that I pay for meals whenever I'm with my girlfriend. Not only meals, trips, movies etc. The reason is very simple, I've been working for 8 years, and she's still studying at the moment. Even right after she graduates and starts working, I will still insist to pay, perhaps occasionally she could buy me lunch or dinner. I never let my parents pay for meals whenever we dine out, reason is simple. I've been working for some time, the least decent thing I could do is to buy them a proper meal. They've been taking care of me until the day I'm able to stand on my own feet. What's dinner compared to what they've sacrificed for me? I was brought up to understand that as a man, if we want to take care of the people that we care about, it requires $$$ (besides love and caring etc of course). I love spoiling my loved ones, because besides giving them all the attention, love, hugs, kisses, it makes them happy and it makes me happy too. Might be an Asian thingy, I don't know. I think I am in love!
vonerik012 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 You sound very spoiled, sorry..You did ask in the OP, so I am telling you my opinion. You have a man that makes good money, takes out his family, and takes you out almost all of the time. You chip in "When you can". Whatever that means. And here you are, calling your SO cheap. You also alluded to the last place he paid was only a Mexican chain restaurant, as if that is no big deal, or not really expensive enough to matter. I never heard of the "Whom asks pays" between friends and family. That just seems to be a way to excuse, or justify being cheap. It seems you are trying to say everyone around you is cheap, accept for you, the one who hardly ever pays for themselves, and expects other to. lol. Maybe your father just wanted to see you, and you never ask to take him out to dinner. I have an ex who is similar to you. She is still working on her masters, never paid for anyone in her life, but always calls to tell me how cheap her father is because he is wealthy and will not just give her money, and how cheap her boyfriends are because after a while they ask her to pay. She also states how "She does not care about money", but she never works to make any. And if she does, she spends it on herself, and calculates how whom she is dating makes more, so he should always pay, to be considered a "gentleman". The fact that you are even on here calling him cheap is a huge red flag for yourself, especially admitting things are not, and never were close to 50/50 between you and him. And by your comment about the Mexican restaurant, you do not seem to be the type whom would be happy eating at cheap places, as other have suggested. Only a complete sucker would be paying all or almost all of the time for another persons entertainment. Because the second that it stops, or if he even hints that his partner should contribute, they might start telling everyone how cheap he is, and everything in the past is forgotten. Things add up quickly, and if you see someone often it is easy to drop a couple grand a month, all for nothing. Just to be called cheap.
vonerik012 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Here is a general guideline. If you ever hear someone say "Who asks is who pays", the person stating that is a complete cheapskate. Especially if this is in relation to family, friends, or a long term SO. Why? Because generous people DO NOT even think in those terms. I can never imagine having dinner with my sister, father, friends, and then be thinking "Hmm they asked me! They should be paying for me!" Obviously I will pay for myself at the very least, unless explicitly stated otherwise due to a strange circumstance. If I was in some horrible financial predicament, I would decline the offer and say "Sorry,i do not have the money for that" . I would not just go, and expect others to foot the bill because TECHNICALLY they asked me! Also, something else sticks out in your post. Your father wants to be reimbursed. Your boyfriend asked you to chip in. So unless they are completely crazy, they both view you as a taker,and not a big giver as you now claim, and they seem to be tired of it. So they have to overtly ask you to pay, which leads you to calling them cheap. One thing takers have in common is that they never view themselves as such. They have excuses.."They asked me!... They make more!.... He should be a gentleman!!!".. And the times they might contribute are completely magnified in their brains. Paying once is always brought up, as if it has been a daily occurrence, even if it was just one out of 30 times.
zicke Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Single but my ex never opened the door for me at all and was never a gentleman, it just wasn't in his nature. He even told me he was not a prince and never going to be one and I was fine with that. He never opened doors or anything like that at all. Didnt even have money to take me out on a date (was unemployed), we just ended up together... Not ALL men want to be gentleman, some that I have met have no problem being supported by a woman etc... Want her to pay for their meals etc Wow Cutegirl, sorry to hear that. You must make an effort to meet a better class of men. A woman deserves to have her doors opened for her by her man. I could never date a man who mooches. Ugh.
Shygirl15 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 In fairness the feeling is probably mutual, ergo you wouldn't have to worry about him, that's one less problem for you, right? Eer.. Most men I date are always happy to pay for me, infact, they get offended when I offer to pay for anything. Perhaps it's a class thing, I don't know.
Krajt Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Eer.. Most men I date are always happy to pay for me, infact, they get offended when I offer to pay for anything. Perhaps it's a class thing, I don't know. Perhaps it is a class thing, or maybe the men you date like to stick to the traditional dating rules manual volume 1, edition 12? I will always offer to pay, but I prefer it when a woman also offers to pay, it shows class on her part, it shows independence and I love a girl with independence.
manugeorge Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Isn't it about taking care of each other though? I mean you are in a relationship with someone you supposedly love, isn't one of the ways to show that love to be generous and also considerate of their finances?. Which essentially means, if you have $1, you will gladly and willingly give them 50cents out of it, you know, because you love them. And on the flip side, even if you offer them 50cents, they will take only 20cents or even none of it because they know that is the last dollar you have left to your name and you really need a pack of gum. My boyfriend's money is not my money but I still do what I can to help him spend it sensibly. E.g., He sends me flowers at work, while a very sweet guesture, I told him it wasn't necessary, not at $70 a pop, not when they are going to die 3 days later, and especially not when he's barely making ends meet as it is. I will accept and still be just as appreciative of a $5 dollar rose from the street vendor, hell, a kiss will also be sufficient. OP, that statement you made about "whoever asks pays" does not really apply to family, friends or long term relationships. I think it applies to when you are dating and just getting to know someone. If I tell my friends to come meet me for dinner so we can catch up, why will they automatically make the assumption that I'm picking up their tab?
Shygirl15 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Perhaps it is a class thing, or maybe the men you date like to stick to the traditional dating rules manual volume 1, edition 12? I will always offer to pay, but I prefer it when a woman also offers to pay, it shows class on her part, it shows independence and I love a girl with independence. I also pay, a lot of times actually but I have certain rules. I would never pay on first dates; and I just don't believe in co-pay. I usually alternate paying with my dates; say if he takes me out this Saturday, he pays for all expenses and I pay for all expenses incurred on the next date. And of course our financial positions have a role here; if I'm dating a guy who makes more that I do, the pay ratio will have to be 2-to-1. But again, I have so far met people who don't make a big deal out of this issue. They appreciate when I offer, but they are definitely not going to resent me because I don't.
Krajt Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I also pay, a lot of times actually but I have certain rules. I would never pay on first dates; and I just don't believe in co-pay. I usually alternate paying with my dates; say if he takes me out this Saturday, he pays for all expenses and I pay for all expenses incurred on the next date. And of course our financial positions have a role here; if I'm dating a guy who makes more that I do, the pay ratio will have to be 2-to-1. But again, I have so far met people who don't make a big deal out of this issue. They appreciate when I offer, but they are definitely not going to resent me because I don't. That's good, I won't resent any woman who does not wish to pay, but who is willing to pay for the next date, but I do have resentment against women who think they are entitled to be paid for. I make sure, I make their evening deeply unpleasant as a form of revenge. I am nice like that!
tanbark813 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 But again, I have so far met people who don't make a big deal out of this issue. They appreciate when I offer, but they are definitely not going to resent me because I don't. They're probably not making a big deal out of it because you're offering.
Shygirl15 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 They're probably not making a big deal out of it because you're offering. They're not making a big deal out of it when I don't offer. I don't think any of them would go to a forum and whine about it.
Krajt Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 They're not making a big deal out of it when I don't offer. I don't think any of them would go to a forum and whine about it. Nah, they'll just whine to wife, mother or friends about it.
tanbark813 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 They're not making a big deal out of it when I don't offer. I don't think any of them would go to a forum and whine about it. Well I'm sure they'll figure out how to use a computer one of these days.
Krajt Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 If they really care, they can date someone else. Is passive-aggressive a good thing these days? I prefer to masturbate when I am frustrated.
Shygirl15 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Well I'm sure they'll figure out how to use a computer one of these days. Sometimes I wonder why some people like to pinpoint everything I say. What you are carrying on here is completely irrelevant to the topic on this thread. Shouldn't you be offering some intelligent advice to OP instead? Read guidelines and stay focused please, thanks.
tanbark813 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Shouldn't you be offering some intelligent advice to OP instead? Read guidelines and stay focused please, thanks. I already did that. And I'll post what I want, thanks.
Shygirl15 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I already did that. And I'll post what I want, thanks. You do whatever you want, as long as you STOP calling on my posts, thanks.
The Collector Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Yeah lets all stop responding to each others posts. It's so rude!
tanbark813 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 You do whatever you want, as long as you STOP calling on my posts, thanks. Aren't you doing the same?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 Here is a general guideline. If you ever hear someone say "Who asks is who pays", the person stating that is a complete cheapskate. Especially if this is in relation to family, friends, or a long term SO. Why? Because generous people DO NOT even think in those terms. I can never imagine having dinner with my sister, father, friends, and then be thinking "Hmm they asked me! They should be paying for me!" Obviously I will pay for myself at the very least, unless explicitly stated otherwise due to a strange circumstance. If I was in some horrible financial predicament, I would decline the offer and say "Sorry,i do not have the money for that" . I would not just go, and expect others to foot the bill because TECHNICALLY they asked me! Also, something else sticks out in your post. Your father wants to be reimbursed. Your boyfriend asked you to chip in. So unless they are completely crazy, they both view you as a taker,and not a big giver as you now claim, and they seem to be tired of it. So they have to overtly ask you to pay, which leads you to calling them cheap. One thing takers have in common is that they never view themselves as such. They have excuses.."They asked me!... They make more!.... He should be a gentleman!!!".. And the times they might contribute are completely magnified in their brains. Paying once is always brought up, as if it has been a daily occurrence, even if it was just one out of 30 times. hm i see your point vonerik about my wrong assumption regarding who pays. Its true i never have seen myself as cheap but I do agree that I often take it for granted when, say my brother or my sister, pay for me when we go out. I think thats the point my SO was trying to make but I wanted to know if someone else agreed with that and Im mistaken or he was. Actually, I went back to reread a thread I started about something similar, when I went to Vegas with him and how I assumed that he was going to pay for our room since it was my bday. Again in that thread there was division about it, some thought he should pay because it was my birthday, but in the end i realized I had no right to assume he would foot the bill (So i paid for the rooms and he helped me with gas and food, in the end came out even....though he did protest that he had spent too much for my bday). Ill keep that in mind and be more mindful of my cheap inclination not only with my so but also with my family. Thanks Vonarik for the honesty
The Collector Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 4givrnt4gtr. I think your last post shows rare self-awareness and an ability to rethink ingrained habits and behaviours, and to not react defensively in the face of constructive criticism, like some other posters. I hope your boyfriend appreciates it, I know I would.
mental_traveller Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I think men should treat a woman like a lady. Period. Forget all this equal rights stuff because that only has to do with voting, jobs and salary - not relationships. I agree. I presume you would do things like cooking, cleaning, housework, and selecting hot lingerie to wear when your guy gets back from a hard day at the office to pay for everything, right? That's cool. What isn't cool is when the woman doesn't help financially, AND doesn't do any homemaking or make any effort on the sexual/romantic side. That would be kind of having your cake and eating it to - hardly fair.
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