tanbark813 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 We also do not know how much debt her 100K boyfriend has, maybe he has a mortgage, a car loan, credit cards and Student Loans from when he was in school, maybe even a business loan or line of credit. He could be strapped. Actually in the first post she did say he has a mortgage.
zicke Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Well Tanbark, he could have a mortgage on a 100K house and it would be only about 10% of his income. Or he has a mortgage on a 600K condo and it's killing him financially.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 So much speculation here! First of, im not 27, im 24. My SO is 30. I just quit my full time job to finish my masters and doctoral in psychology but gotta pay the bills somehow so yes I am getting loans and part time job And for all those lovely people who obviously didnt read my responses about how I HAVE in fact taken him out in several dinners, including this past weekend, asked him out last weekend but he declined AND took him to Vegas earlier this year FOR MY BIRTHDAY, paying for room etc for BOTH of us.... No, im not taking advantage of him...nor my parents, as I paid for their rent for over a year while my dad refused to work since he felt he was too much to work in something other than his profession but thanks for the insults! Vonerik, Krajt and Zicke In any case, I think my main annoyance, reading thru your responses is not so much that he is taking me to expensive places and expects me to pay my share, because lets face it...he isnt taking me really anywhere that crazy. (Last place he took me was a mexican chain restaurant) I think my issue is more about how we view money differently. When I take my brother and his family out which I do whenever they come to visit, I dont even think about how much money im spending. I just enjoy being able to take them out. Thats despite that my income is limited, even working full time (now a days a BA in psych can only get u so far). He, on the other hand, bitches and moans about taking his brother out when he comes to visit even for just a drink or two. Come on now. Also, now im wondering if whenever he takes me out he resents every time he pays...or if he was annoyed when on our first date he paid for the drinks. I dont expect him to pay for everything. In fact I even told him that my preference is that I rather have it where once he pays and once I pay, cuz spliting the bills just seems tacky. He still insists he likes things split right then and there.... I dont know, All i know is that now I know i wont let him for anything for me.
zicke Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Ok, now that I have all the facts...your boyfriend is a cheapskate. Seriously, he needs to chill out. Do you really want him?
djhall Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I dont expect him to pay for everything. In fact I even told him that my preference is that I rather have it where once he pays and once I pay, cuz spliting the bills just seems tacky. He still insists he likes things split right then and there.... And this is between the two of you in the context of a long-term relationship? Yeah, if he's actually said that to you then .
manugeorge Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 So much speculation here! First of, im not 27, im 24. My SO is 30. I just quit my full time job to finish my masters and doctoral in psychology but gotta pay the bills somehow so yes I am getting loans and part time job And for all those lovely people who obviously didnt read my responses about how I HAVE in fact taken him out in several dinners, including this past weekend, asked him out last weekend but he declined AND took him to Vegas earlier this year FOR MY BIRTHDAY, paying for room etc for BOTH of us.... No, im not taking advantage of him...nor my parents, as I paid for their rent for over a year while my dad refused to work since he felt he was too much to work in something other than his profession but thanks for the insults! Vonerik, Krajt and Zicke In any case, I think my main annoyance, reading thru your responses is not so much that he is taking me to expensive places and expects me to pay my share, because lets face it...he isnt taking me really anywhere that crazy. (Last place he took me was a mexican chain restaurant) I think my issue is more about how we view money differently. When I take my brother and his family out which I do whenever they come to visit, I dont even think about how much money im spending. I just enjoy being able to take them out. Thats despite that my income is limited, even working full time (now a days a BA in psych can only get u so far). He, on the other hand, bitches and moans about taking his brother out when he comes to visit even for just a drink or two. Come on now. Also, now im wondering if whenever he takes me out he resents every time he pays...or if he was annoyed when on our first date he paid for the drinks. I dont expect him to pay for everything. In fact I even told him that my preference is that I rather have it where once he pays and once I pay, cuz spliting the bills just seems tacky. He still insists he likes things split right then and there.... I dont know, All i know is that now I know i wont let him for anything for me. You can't blame LS posters, if you are not glued to your computer, hitting refresh every 30 seconds to reply, people will run with your post. But it seems you both have different views on money, which is a very important thing to know before you get in too deep.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 You can't blame LS posters, if you are not glued to your computer, hitting refresh every 30 seconds to reply, people will run with your post. But it seems you both have different views on money, which is a very important thing to know before you get in too deep.\ Ya i hear you..it just seems funny how all of a sudden I became a 27 year old lazy, smoocher who refuses to grow up and work full time but instead wants to grab at every penny her poor boyfriend makes..oh and her father too (dont even get me started on that man...lol) In any case... yeah it worries me that we see money so differently...and even more so that he sorta hid that til now. Though I should have known when he gave me stolen company candy (with the company logo!) for valentines day and not even a card ( I still cant get over that one...id rather him not give me anything!) Its so weird...its like when I think about it I really wonder what in the world am I doing with him. But when Im with him, Im so happy and we have such a great time that those things seem to be so silly...
manugeorge Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 \ Though I should have known when he gave me stolen company candy (with the company logo!) for valentines day and not even a card ( I still cant get over that one...id rather him not give me anything!) Y'ouch! How long were you dating when he did this? not that it matters. It's tacky.
zicke Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Y'ouch! How long were you dating when he did this? not that it matters. It's tacky. LOL, I would have dumped him then! OMG! Yes, sweetie, his ass is cheap and it probably isn't likely to change. Find yourself a man who doesn't have an excel spreadsheet detailing every expenditure. Next thing you know, he will be taking two ply toilet paper and separating it and letting you use only three squares! Is that the future you envision? Cos it seems mighty likely.
djhall Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Actually a lot of guys on this board would give him the thumbs up for this. Why? (Aside from the obvious suspects who believe nothing should ever be spent on a woman) Anyway you look at it, that IS tacky. (And cheap, but in that case the tacky is the worse of the two)
manugeorge Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 LOL, I would have dumped him then! OMG! Yes, sweetie, his ass is cheap and it probably isn't likely to change. Find yourself a man who doesn't have an excel spreadsheet detailing every expenditure. Next thing you know, he will be taking two ply toilet paper and separating it and letting you use only three squares! Is that the future you envision? Cos it seems mighty likely. Lord have mercy
serial muse Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Actually a lot of guys on this board would give him the thumbs up for this. I'm not convinced the guys in question have actually read your posts...I think there's a certain segment of the LS population that reads "cheapskate" and "man" in your title, flexes the old typing fingers and pounds out a diatribe. Anyway, from what you've said, you do have very different ideas about spending money. However - I don't necessarily think that means the end of your relationship. It depends on whether there's room for negotiation or not. It sounds like he's pretty gunshy about spending money on people, and feels taken advantage of by his family (brother) and then blithely transfers his resentment to you. Yay. That's a black mark. But can he be made aware that he does this? Can you talk to him in an unemotional, calm way about this issue, without accusations? Not saying that you don't have things to be annoyed about - the candy thing is just ridiculous. Better just to say you don't believe in Valentine's Day! But if you love him in all other ways, this may be something you guys can work on together. It may be that he's looking for cues from you that you "hear" how afraid he is of being taken advantage of. And of course, to you it's obvious that you know it, since you take him out to dinner and buy him Vegas vacations on your meager income. But perhaps he needs to hear you acknowledge it verbally somehow? I don't know - there could be some reassurance he needs that even he doesn't know how to ask for. If it's worth it to you, you two might be able to work this out.
djhall Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Next thing you know, he will be taking two ply toilet paper and separating it and letting you use only three squares. God Zicke, 3 squares? The man isn't made of money! If you can't make do with two squares via creative folding, the least you could do is steal extra napkins when he treats you to the dollar menu so you don't wipe him out.
mixwell Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I think thats kinda f"ed up but funny that he stole company candy to give to you on V Day.. Anyways it sounds like he is a cheapskate.. I guess to some woman I am a cheapskate.. I've learned lately (through my ex girlfriend) that me paying for everything for the initial dates is okay but I do feel like once you are a couple that you should at times split it 50/50.. With my old ex of 7 years when we would go out we would alternate paying (of course on V Day and other occasions I would pay no problem) but I feel like when you're in a relationship you should both contribute 50/50.. Now if I made 100k/yr and had a decent cash income after bills I wouldn't give 2 craps about paying but with my current ex it came down to me paying for EVERYTHING (which for some odd reason I accepted when I would usually give a girl the boot) but I guess I was bitter about it because I knew that I paid for all of our entertainment while she spent money on getting her nails done, shopping etc which makes me feel like WTF... I don't think its fair that she could spend her money on buying things for her when I'm spending my money to entertain us and yet cannot afford to spoil myself because I am supporting 2 people.. Yea there have came times where she was short on cash until her next check and I had no problem spotting her a bill or whatever but the difference is that when I was low she was down to spot me cash. Seriously 100k and he his complaining about taking his brother out for a few drinks if he doesn't see him often ? WOW.. I make under 30k/yr (sad but true) but the way I see things is money comes and goes and I TRY not to let it rule my lifestyle and ways of thinking.. I even overextend myself at times with money when I know I shouldn't but I try to enjoy myself and not let money be an issue for me (ironically). Tell him to not be such a tight arse and loosen the wallet up a bit if he is making 100K/yr.. he isn't Jewish is he ?? (Totally just kidding on that one but I had to throw it in there with the stereotypes.. Sorry !)
serial muse Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 God Zicke, 3 squares? The man isn't made of money! If you can't make do with two squares via creative folding, the least you could do is steal extra napkins when he treats you to the dollar menu so you don't wipe him out. :lmao: This brings back vivid memories of college days, when we absconded with toilet paper from campus. The big industrial-roll kind. Lasted a good long time, too. It's nice to know my exorbitant college fees paid for so many useful things.
djhall Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Yeah, the things you do when you're really broke. I always get a kick out of it when the two interns on Scrubs invite someone over, instead of wine or something they say, "Bring toilet paper." That and their fridge is always full of stolen puddings and fruit cups and stuff from the hospital. I guess it is funnier if you've ever been there and can relate.
zicke Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 God Zicke, 3 squares? The man isn't made of money! If you can't make do with two squares via creative folding, the least you could do is steal extra napkins when he treats you to the dollar menu so you don't wipe him out. Nope, my man buys three ply, and let's me use as much as I want. But, understand budgeting...who here can stand and say that they do not have a basketful of ketchup? Thought so. Spendthrifts!
vonerik012 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 So I was reading about the thread regarding about whether men should pay for dates etc. I was actually looking for that thread because my SO and I had a conversation that rather upset me. I was telling him how my dad had invited me and my sister out for lunch and then asked us to split the bill. Had I known I would have turned down the offer for lunch as I had no money. He said it was ok and that I owed him the meal plus something else he had gotten for my cat a while back (and for which he still had the receipt) I was rather surpised about that so i mentioned it to my bf He said that I should never expect anyone to pay for my meals and in that he always picks up the tab for his parents. Then went onto say how its not fair that women always want their men to pay. That on first dates its not fair since you dont know if you will be seeing each other again. He went on and on about that and kinda hinted that he would like us to split the bills during meals etc. Now, keep in mind that he makes 100k, while im a grad student and work part time. Granted he has mortgage bills etc but still, i got rent and car payments as well. Anyway, so i was trying to come to terms with those statements and then he continued telling me how when his brother come to visit he pays for all his brother drinks if they go out etc and his brother never offer to help. That although he never tells his brother that it bothers him, he does gripe about it to his mom. This whole conversation made me feel that im dating a cheapskate. It kinda made me nervous...but at the same time made me wonder if maybe im too spoiled and expect people to take care of me...i dont know. What do you think? Personally, I think you are making a lot of things up. Why in your original post did you A. Point out it is hard to split bills because you are a student with little money.. (obviously gives the impression you cannot afford to pay, and do not) B. Ask if you are too spoiled and expect people to take care of you (obviously give the impression you EXPECT others to pay) And then go on to CLAIM you paid your parents rent for a year,paid for him to go to Vegas with you, AND offered to alternate paying for meals with him. Yeah right. Then you turn it into a thread (once people realize you are spoiled) simply about either alternating paying, or splitting it right then and there. Why all the initial questions about being too spoiled, and expecting people to take care of you, if that was not the point to this thread? It should have been entitled "alternate paying, or splitting then and there" if that was truthfully the scenario.
tanbark813 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Though I should have known when he gave me stolen company candy (with the company logo!) for valentines day and not even a card ( I still cant get over that one...id rather him not give me anything!) I remember that thread (I forgot that was you). I think the V Day card thread is a much bigger issue than wanting to split dinners, IMO.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 Personally, I think you are making a lot of things up. Why in your original post did you A. Point out it is hard to split bills because you are a student with little money.. (obviously gives the impression you cannot afford to pay, and do not) B. Ask if you are too spoiled and expect people to take care of you (obviously give the impression you EXPECT others to pay) And then go on to CLAIM you paid your parents rent for a year,paid for him to go to Vegas with you, AND offered to alternate paying for meals with him. Yeah right. Then you turn it into a thread (once people realize you are spoiled) simply about either alternating paying, or splitting it right then and there. Why all the initial questions about being too spoiled, and expecting people to take care of you, if that was not the point to this thread? It should have been entitled "alternate paying, or splitting then and there" if that was truthfully the scenario. Well my intention about pointing out that he makes more than double of what I make is that I see it as tacky....specially because, as I said, I do take him out once in a while. Maybe not as often as say 50/50...but whenever I have some money, I try to treat him to dinner, or whatever. The fact that he wants to ALWAYS split the check makes me feel like he doesn't realize/care that I cant always do that. (Which brings me to the point that I wont be accepting any more dinner invitations from him). Now, I asked about whether I was spoiled because when Im invited to dinner/drink/whatever by anyone I dont expect that I have to pay. So, as it has been in many occasions, and as he pointed out, maybe I am wrong in my assumption and it actually makes me seem spoiled. And this is because thats how we do it in my family (well my actual family, my dad is another story). If I invite, I pay. If my brother invites, he pays etc. But maybe im wrong. In regards to what i give to him, I could care less if you believe me. It serves me no purpose to lie because Im really trying to figure out if im mistaken or he is....and if so what I should do about it...I dont really need to make myself as better than i am. If i come here to ask is because sometimes I tend to be clueless regarding certain issues and if this one is it, then good, bc that means my relationship isnt all lost and he isnt a complete cheap ass. And no this isnt a thread about splitting bills vs switching...this is a thread about whether my SO is cheap or whether I am wrong about my assumption regarding invitations etc.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I think the next time you are invited out that you simply decline. IF he ask why then tell him that you don't have the funds in your budget. Stick to it. Only accept when you can afford it. Eat modestly (cup of soup and some water) and pay only for your portion. Be sure to stick your part of the gas in his pocket so he doesn't feel slighted there. Maybe that will leave you some time to find friends with the same budget for entertainment that you have. ps. I think he's cheap!
cutegirl Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Are you currently single or dating someone? If dating, how long? Seriously, men like to be gentlemen, it's in their nature (the good ones that is). I would never open my own car door or other door when my guy is around, it pleases him to do that for me. Why would I take it away from him? Single but my ex never opened the door for me at all and was never a gentleman, it just wasn't in his nature. He even told me he was not a prince and never going to be one and I was fine with that. He never opened doors or anything like that at all. Didnt even have money to take me out on a date (was unemployed), we just ended up together... Not ALL men want to be gentleman, some that I have met have no problem being supported by a woman etc... Want her to pay for their meals etc
changchewsoon Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 I always insisted that I pay for meals whenever I'm with my girlfriend. Not only meals, trips, movies etc. The reason is very simple, I've been working for 8 years, and she's still studying at the moment. Even right after she graduates and starts working, I will still insist to pay, perhaps occasionally she could buy me lunch or dinner. I never let my parents pay for meals whenever we dine out, reason is simple. I've been working for some time, the least decent thing I could do is to buy them a proper meal. They've been taking care of me until the day I'm able to stand on my own feet. What's dinner compared to what they've sacrificed for me? I was brought up to understand that as a man, if we want to take care of the people that we care about, it requires $$$ (besides love and caring etc of course). I love spoiling my loved ones, because besides giving them all the attention, love, hugs, kisses, it makes them happy and it makes me happy too. Might be an Asian thingy, I don't know.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 So I was just talking to my SO. Ive thought about this whole issue and how it relates to our compatibility. I found this article that has a nice complete questionaire regarding compatibility in family money etc. So in one of the family questions it said that "there should be only one head of the household" . I disagreed, as I view it more like a partnership and both parents should be head of household. He, on the other hand says that there should only be one...the man. Funny how when we were discussing the whole splitting bill issue his argument was that women wanted equality but when it came to paying the bill then they wanted the old fashion way. That they should be equal everywhere.... And then he comes out with that he thinks the man should be the only head of the household..... Where is the equality he was talking about?!?! Good god...the more i think/look at this the grimmer this looks BTW despite all that the article shows that we are compatible in pretty much everything else....but this is bad no?
djhall Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 So in one of the family questions it said that "there should be only one head of the household" . I disagreed, as I view it more like a partnership and both parents should be head of household. He, on the other hand says that there should only be one...the man. Funny how when we were discussing the whole splitting bill issue his argument was that women wanted equality but when it came to paying the bill then they wanted the old fashion way. That they should be equal everywhere.... And then he comes out with that he thinks the man should be the only head of the household..... Where is the equality he was talking about?!?! Well, it seems your bf wants to do the same thing he is complaining women are trying to do, namely pick and choose between equality and non-equal gender roles depending on which is more advantageous for him. Sorry, buddy, but you can't have it both ways in my opinion. Equality cuts both ways, when you are co-equal, and you contribute equally to the partnership, he can't turn around and say he is the "head of the household" because he is the man, which I assume mostly means he gets to be the tiebreaker and have things his way whenever you two disagree and he wants to put his foot down. I don't suppose he wants you both to work full time jobs, but expects you should also cook all the meals, do all the laundry, and clean the house while he only mows the lawn, washes the car, and sits in the armchair complaining about what a hard day he had at work?
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