CarrieT Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I ended a three-year relationship only two months ago. But I quickly went out onto dating sites to "get back in the saddle" as it were. I have been on a handful of REALLY mediocre first dates but quickly had a connection with a guy who had to travel a lot. He told me on our first date that he was taking his two adult daughters to France for a month but we e-mailed each other every day during his absence. After a great first date and a months' worth of enticing, caring, compassionate e-mails, he flew home yesterday and his first order of business was to come and see me. However, one of his daughters had set-up a dinner date for him so he and I only saw each other for a short time. He left with the promise that after dinner, he would call me and we would reconnect, no matter how late it was. Seems his daughter (not knowing about me) set him up with his ex-wife who expressed continuing feelings for him. Now he is all confused and apparently still has feelings for her... Instead of coming back to me last night, he stayed with his daughter. Yes, my immediately reaction was to cry and lament the potential loss of a great love, but I am pragmatic that we were just beginning to connect. I give him a great deal of credit for telling me immediately what happened. He VERY easily could have kept me in the dark and on the side and I would have never known. There ARE honorable men out there so I can hope for another one -- somewhere... But it still hurts that the first man I gave my heart to after becoming single chose not to accept it, even though we seemed to connect and want each other so readily. Very lonely and sad and just looking for some words of encouragement.
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 But it still hurts that the first man I gave my heart to after becoming single chose not to accept it, even though we seemed to connect and want each other so readily. Be glad he did this because if you got more serious with him and allowed this to grow, you would be extremely hurt and you'd be the OW in his life. Enjoy your singlehood, it hasn't been that long since your recent break-up of 3 years, so maybe some time alone is what you need to heal, and also heal from this other guy.
jj33 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Internet dating can be very seductive. You "connect" with someone's words on the screen you meet them and they are mediocre. Then you finally "connect" with someone who is as good in person as they are on the screen. I can imagine it feels very unfair. But he is not over his wife. He still has feelings for her. She still has feelings for him. They have years together, a history a child extended family and a circle of friends. He has only been on 2 dates with you. I know you want words of encouragement - to be told to hang in there it can all work out. It could but I think youd be much better of stepping away. He is confused being with you isnt going to resolve his confusion. Getting to know you better isnt going to solve his confusion. Its not a choice between you and the W. Its a decision the two of them have to make as to whether they want to give the marriage another try. They may try again. And you dont want to be more invested. If they do and it doesnt work out, he will know where to find you. If you are still interested in him then you can have a chance to get to know each other with a clean slate, knowing that his marriage is behind him. Good luck
torranceshipman Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I think...he is too much of a charmer and things dont add up, and I hope you'll move on from this guy. He'd see his ex wife quite a bit already if they have grown up daughters and it is very unlikely that his feelings would come back suddenly just because of a romantic dinner. Sounds like he is married already or has a partner, or was reconciling with his W already, and used some lies to cover that up to you. So sorry you had to go through this but you'll meet someone else very special when the time is right.
Lucky_One Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I think...he is too much of a charmer and things dont add up, and I hope you'll move on from this guy. He'd see his ex wife quite a bit already if they have grown up daughters and it is very unlikely that his feelings would come back suddenly just because of a romantic dinner. Sounds like he is married already or has a partner, or was reconciling with his W already, and used some lies to cover that up to you. So sorry you had to go through this but you'll meet someone else very special when the time is right. Yep. This was in the works in some fashion already.
Author CarrieT Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Thanks, everyone. The first day is always the roughest and I'm hoping I won't hear from him again -- or, if I do, I have the strength to tell him that I have already moved on (which I believe I will). And I made a point of going out to multiple dating sites and contacting a bunch of guys; if only for a cup of coffee or glass of wine, I know it will help to just start meeting new people.
Angel1111 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 This 'reconnect' with his wife won't last because all the same issues that they had before - you know, the ones that broke them up to begin with - will resurface very, very quickly. Sit back and watch the show. I can almost guarantee that he'll be back telling you, "It was a mistake." And, btw, you're not the OW because he's not married.
Karma101 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Sorry for your pain. I know it well. I just got out of a relationship with a "divorcing" man that I met online. We were together 9 months and his divorce was progressing. Him and his STBXW were vile towads each other. She cheated and remained in a relationship with this OM throughout their separation. One week before their final mediation, she decided she wanted to reconcile. He went back. It hurts. Be happy that you don't have more time and emotion vested in this man. We have remained in contact over the past couple of weeks and I have seen him a couple of times. I definitely feel as though I've gone from the GF to the OW even though there has been no physical intimacy between us. Ugh. This 'reconnect' with his wife won't last because all the same issues that they had before - you know, the ones that broke them up to begin with - will resurface very, very quickly. Sit back and watch the show. I can almost guarantee that he'll be back telling you, "It was a mistake." Promise???
Owl Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I'd agree in part with Angel...you're NOT the OW. Don't add guilt for a crime you didn't commit to your list of miseries. You were dating...in an LDR. He's not CURRENTLY married...so the bottom line is that the two of you were dating, he reconnected with an old flame, and is now trying to figure out what to do from there. The two of you weren't (as far as I can tell) an exclusive, monogamous relationship. Nor is he in one with her. Whether or not he can reconnect with his ex...is anyone's guess. Who he'll choose to be with...same thing at this point. It sounds to me like you're doing the right things...keep your chin up.
NewSunrise Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 But I quickly went out onto dating sites to "get back in the saddle" as it were. You might try giving yourself a break from serial dating or jumping from one relationship to the next. Work on yourself for a little while--- "alone". Did the online dating immediately after separation and D for the same reason you did. Unfortunately, online dating is a "quick" source for the newly D or seperated lonely hearts to "reconnect". A temporary outlet. Didn't work because the goal in it was to avoid NOT being alone and boost self-esteem no matter how artificially motivated it was. So I concentrated on work, reconnected with friends and did volunteer work for an animal organization for a year. So take a load off from "seeking" any relationships. Perhaps, you're just quite not ready for the "right" one to come along. I know I wasn't. And then my awesome guy showed up and hung around until I was ready. Accept this guy isn't the one. You two probably just happened to be passing through each other's life for a moment with some purpose. He, a reconsideration to reconnect with his former relationship and see where it goes. You, a reconsideration to a need to "redefine" yourself. Good luck
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