smile711 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Ok, so "panic emergency need some advice and opinions quick" time! xMM went back 6 weeks ago-we have been NC for 30 days. From what I hear, he is being kept under lock and key by his W (rightfully so). Today he left for a weeklong meeting out of state and what do you know? I get a text with nothing but his phone number on it. So I text "why r u texting" and he texts back that it was a mistake...he's sorry...he had a text from way back pending in his drafts folder and when he tried to delete it he accidentally sent it! I texted back "ok" and that was the end of that! Pretty proud of myself! Do you all really think it was an accident? First of all, you not only have to hit "send", you then have to hit "ok" that you want to send a text with no words. Secondly, if you did that,and you KNEW you were not supposed to be having any contact with me, why would you text me back? Just say "Oh, s**t!" and let sleeping dogs lie. Third, a bit coincidental, don't you think, that after 42 days apart and 30 days NC, it just so happens that the day he accidentally texts me is the first day he is away from his W? Last, as a friend pointed out, his W is watching him like a hawk. I am sure she has gone through his cell phone. I am sure that if she saw a pending message to me in there that it would be GONE! DELETED! Wouldn't you if you were her? Wanted some advice and input from those who know this type of situation best! I'm hanging in there and not calling or texting. Let me know what you think, please!
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Bullcrap. He knew what he was doing and also was checking to see if you would reply. IF there is a next time, don't reply. Ignore. Can I ask? Why did you reply? What was the purpose of that? Today he left for a weeklong meeting out of state and what do you know? So, first time alone, and what does he do? Texts you. It is no coincidence. Don't concern yourself with what his wife does or doesn't do. He'll have to deal with that..
Owl Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 It wasn't an accident. He was fishing. You bit. This is why you need to either block his number or change yours.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I have actually sent a message that was a draft accidentally when I realized I had a draft and wondered when I had saved one. God I had text messaging. Did he commonly text you with only his number?
Author smile711 Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I think I replied without thinking, really. It came out of the blue. I am happy, though, that I left it at "OK". And, surprisingly, I am not as upset as I thought I would be! If this was 2 weeks ago, I would have been crying hysterically and having a panic attack and texting him back professing my love. Instead, I'm doing laundry, making dinner, watching TV-in short, I'M LIVING!! Maybe I am making progress and it took this to really show me that.
jj33 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 You are making great progress. You should be very proud of yourself. And as the others said he is fishing. Since you responded it is likely that he may do it again. And next time it may be something like are you ok or something like that. But it doesnt mean ANYTHING other than that he is fishing to see if he can worm his way back in so DONT RESPOND. You are doing great. Congratulations
2sunny Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 since you didn't give him the reaction he was looking for (which would have been calling his number) he will dream up some reason (usually some "emergency) to try it again in the near future. why do you know his schedule and how long is he out of his cage (i mean traveling on business)?...
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 You aren't upset about it because you now can figure you've been on his mind, and that has to be abit of an ego rush for you. In another sense, you got your addictive feed, after so long of NC.. Just another way of looking at it..
Author smile711 Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Thanks everyone! In response: IWWH-When you try to send a draft that has no words (only your number) it double checks with you that you want to send a text that has no message in it and you have to hit "yes". And no, his texts were usually texts...but then that would be hard to call an accident! 2sunny-I love the "out of his cage" comment! We work for the same company and all of our management people are at the same meeting this week, so I had wondered if maybe something would "come up"!
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Its possible it was an accident. It is possible it was done on purpose. Why do you care? I personally would of just deleted the message, block the person, and gave it no econd thought. You know avoiding stuff like this is easy. If you show curiosity then you are putting yourself back into the same situation. And if your seriously over him... Block him. Nothing else needs to be said. DNR
Author smile711 Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 WWIU- I do agree with the ego rush comment. It feels good to know that for the hell and back I have been through that maybe he's a little uncomfortable, too. But I truly do believe that I am doing better. I'm not sitting around waiting for a text or a call that may or may not come-trust me, I've wasted too much of my life doing that! I feel like I have some control over the situation and I haven't felt in control of my life and feelings in a VERY long time.
Author smile711 Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 DNR- I think the only reason I care is because it has now really cemented in my head what a douche bag he is (can I say that on here?). I know people have been trying to pound it in my head for a long time, but now I see what he did the FIRST time he was away from home and I know-he will never change.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 DNR- I think the only reason I care is because it has now really cemented in my head what a douche bag he is (can I say that on here?). I know people have been trying to pound it in my head for a long time, but now I see what he did the FIRST time he was away from home and I know-he will never change. You need a new fixation. Smile, he is going to do what he is going to do. Now if you want to put yourself in it, go for it, but if you want real peace and to move on, ignore it. You don't need anymore cement... He cheated/cheats on his wife (that's at least 3 violations right there not to mention the dangers he put everyone around him in). You don't need any more proof of what a scumbag he is. You need to only be concerned about yourself and moving on and making wiser choices about who you get involved with (crosses fingers and hope she knows I am talking about a SINGLE man). If he changes, he changes, if he doesn't, he doesn't, that is an issue for his WIFE. DNR
aloneatnights Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 i changed my number. it was easier all round. i couldnt then sit there 'waiting' for a text, accidental or otherwise. waiting as in expecting or wondering
Owl Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Very smart, AAT. Taking control of your own life usually is the right thing to do!
Author smile711 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 My update for today-for some reason, the whole "accidental text message" thing from yesterday is driving me nuts TODAY! I was great yesterday-laughed the whole thing off, kinda felt satisifed with myself that I was right (he'll never change), and went about my business. Then today-WHAM! Panic attacks, anxiety, tears, the whole bit. God, I don't want to feel like this. Why do I let him have this hold on me? Why do I let him have all of this control? Why can't I manage to take myself back from him?
Jilly Bean Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I think it was an accident. My phone works so that I dont have to hit more than one button to send a text, so a lot of times, I end up sending NOTHING to someone, and then they write me back wondering what I wanted. lol
Author smile711 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Even if I believe for one minute that it was an accident, then why did he continue to text me back? If you know that you're not supposed to be in contact with me, and you know your wife will see the bill (cause she's checkin'), why would you risk having that bill show 5 messages to me? Maybe you could explain away one as an accident, but 5? C'mon.
jj33 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Even if I believe for one minute that it was an accident, then why did he continue to text me back? If you know that you're not supposed to be in contact with me, and you know your wife will see the bill (cause she's checkin'), why would you risk having that bill show 5 messages to me? Maybe you could explain away one as an accident, but 5? C'mon. Smile. You are hanging onto it because you know he wants to be in touch with you. But so what... What will that do for you. He is a married, alcoholic drug abusing loser. I hate to be harsh because you love this man but is this the future you dreamt about as a little girl? Is that really what you want your future to be? It sounds like there is a lot of codependency going on. You need to focus oh those issues and heal yourself. its a long road. But its worth it. You will come out the other side far stronger. The part of you that wants him isnt thinking rationally. No doubt you will look back on this in a year or 2 and say thank God the nightmare is over. You sound like a lovely woman. You deserve so much more.
jj33 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 In your case I would say the fact that he is married is the least worry. Even if he wasnt married this is not a man you would want to get involved with. He has masses of problems. Deep down you dont want a project; you want a man who is emotionally whole to share your life with. Hang in there. You can do this.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 He is a married, alcoholic drug abusing loser. I hate to be harsh because you love this man but is this the future you dreamt about as a little girl? Once you peel the layers off, one by one - Is he really the type of man you would go for if he was single? A drug user, an alcoholic? Would you still go for it IF you knew all this about him first, even if he wasn't married?
jj33 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Once you peel the layers off, one by one - Is he really the type of man you would go for if he was single? A drug user, an alcoholic? Would you still go for it IF you knew all this about him first, even if he wasn't married? Exactly. And Smiles if the answer is yes we dont know him you were so happy together etc etc etc then you KNOW you are not thinking rationally. You dont get into a relationship with someone like this when you are feeling strong and looking after yourself. You get involved in this sort of situation knowing the facts, when you need a distraction from your own pain. This is your chance to get out of this. Its a bad situation that can only get worse. Its normal that you would feel upset. But dont let that distract you from your goal. Get this man out of your life and out of your heart once and for all. Cry as much as you need to. Post as much as you need to. Keep talking to your counselor. Whatever it takes to get past this.
Author smile711 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Thanks for the replies-I am absolutely certain that I am not thinking rationally. I just spoke to an old friend that didn't know the situation but has known me for 15 years, and she told me to snap out of it-this wasn't the strong woman she knew and she doesn't want me spending one more day wasting time on this man. In fact, she was FLABBERGASTED that I had an A with him (she knows him) and as she put it, he had his eye on me for a long time and he was waiting for the right moment to pounce. And I know she's right. The A started only weeks after my exH told me he was no longer attracted to me. I went and told my co-workers and POOF! MM started finding reasons to call me. I would probably have given my heart and soul to the next person who showed any interest in me, no matter who they were, because my self-esteem was that low. Still is, actually. One more thing I'm having a hard time with is the guilt involved in what I did to xMM's W. I know I called and apologized, but I can't get over the amount of pain that I have caused her. The guilt eats away at me and it's not helping my healing. I genuinely feel terrible about what I did-she didn't deserve that from me. How do I get through that?
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Just because you love him, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, or that you have to have him. Does that make sense to you? Your friend is smart, so listen to her. You've lost "you", so now take advantage of this, as painful as it is for you, it IS a blessing - One day you'll see this, look back and think WTF was WRONG with me!! Forgive yourself, that's the first thing you have to do..She may never forgive you, so don't focus on that right now..
merlin2 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I think this guy still loves you.Obviously his wife is keeping him prisoner, and he is sending you a secret code? NO! He is doing what he does best, acting like a child out of the clutches of his mother and whats worse is he doesnt even care about you enough to just text you.Instead he's playing mindgames, trying to get you to 'bite' (fisherman's terms) without any committment on his part.That way it was you who started it over.I have the feeling you know this, but you are still emotionally attached to this creep and he knows it.Do yourself a favour and stop analysing it.Keep to the no contact and in six months or so the thought of him will give you a cold chill or make you feel nauseous, one or the other! NC-it's there for a reason :To get the OXYTOCIN out of your system and get rational again!! It'll get easier over time if you ignore this jerk.
Recommended Posts