She's playing mind games with a guy she dated before me...

[v33]

Ok this could get wordy so I will try to keep it brief.

 

I have been with this girl for 4 months. We have had a great connection, shared amazing adventures, become very close, passionate are a great team and very much in love.

 

The woman was married to a real loser for 7 years and split with him a year and a half ago. She has done a lot of soul-searching and went through therapy to help her get over the anger of the betrayal he made her suffer. I am no doctor but it sounds to me like she has grown so much in that time. She is intelligent, strong and confident and very open with me.

 

Before we met she had been seeing a guy for a couple months. Largely just dinner and sex. The guy would disappear for a while, date other girls, then come back into her life for a little bit then take off again all the while feeding her bull**** via email. She got sick of his games, knew she wanted more for herself then she met me. I am not this guy, not like her ex. She adores me, she says she values who I am and all I do and stand for. She loves how I treat her and make her feel.

 

A month after we had been together (and we have been exclusive since we met) the guy showed up at her house while I was not there. She told me about it, told me she let him know they were done and she was in love with me and that even if I wasn't that she would have nothing to do with this guy and his games. She told me he left in tears and that was the end of it.

 

2 months go by and once or twice he has come up in conversation and she has said that he had emailed her once of twice but she has never responded. 3 weeks ago she left her email wife open on the desktop and as I use her computer I saw that she had replied to a message from him. Having been cheated on by my ex I opened it. She was saying that she loved how they were when they were together in the past but that she will not tolerate him disappearing and only giving a part of himself to her. She asked if she would ever get to know who he really is.

 

Well of course I was livid. I confronted her about it and we had a huge talk with lots of crying, she seemed to be very forthcoming about her correspondence with him. She claims that she has NEVER seen him since that night he surprised her and that she did tell him to leave her alone, but she broke down and started responding to his emails because she is just playing games with him to try and find out the truth about who this guy really is and how honest he had been with her when they were seeing each other. I told her that she shouldn't care anymore now that she has me, but she says that because of all the lies her ex husband fed her and other experiences that she has this uncontrollable desire to get this guy to fess up about who she really was to her, or she wants to get some kind of closure or satisfaction from him, she says it's a sick game that comes from her insecurity.

 

She swore up and down that she would never meet him in person and the conversations are not sexual, but this does seem pretty messed up to me, but in a way I can kind of understand it because I was obsessed with my ex for a while and wanted to get her to change her mind about me even though I didn't want her back. Just so I could "win".

 

She swore to me that she would never respond to him again and she cried and said she felt sick about what she was doing and as so sorry to disrespect what we have.

 

A week ago I found out that she was still at it. Same kind of stuff "when will you let me in and get to know you" , things like that. When I confronted her again she was pissed about me snooping. It was a huge fight but it ended again with her trying to explain that she cant' help it and she feels the need to "set this guy straight" for being a player and she wants him to admit either that he was just ****ing with her or really liked her. I told her she needs to let this go. Again, she swears it's just a game and she would never physically be with him.

 

Ok well this weekend she picked a small fight with me for no reason. I found it very odd and gave me the impression that something is up. I went looking again (she really doesn't hide this stuff well) and found an email that read "Sorry can't tonight, next thursday, wherever! Sorry, babe!".

 

We practically live together so I went up to the bedroom turned on the lights (it's 2am) and started packing. Of course, this got her attention. She is yelling "whats going on, whats wrong". I tell her that I have nothing to say but am willing to listen and I go outside for a cigarette.

 

She comes outside a few minutes later, she says she knows what I have seen and starts crying and explaining, begging me not to leave. Offering to call him right then and there and tell him that she has just been playing games with him and to tell him never to contact her again. She is offering me the password to her email, everything and anything, crying, swearing on her children's lives that it's just a game and she would never, ever cheat on me. She tells me the whole story about how he is a big bull**** artist and how she felt like such a fool for liking him that she is doing all this just to get him to validate her misguiding feeling so she won't feel like a sucker.

 

The thing is, I believe her. I know what insecurity can do. I really do know that she doesn't actually like him and would never cheat on me. But I can't get over the fact that what we have shared over the last few months isn't enough to make her just forget this petty thing with this guy. She told me she will delete any email he ever sends and in fact has already done so today. She seems genuinely remorseful.

 

So am I being a fool here? Am I with a potential cheater or someone who just has a little baggage they are finally letting go of? I want to be sure that I trust her and am staying with her because I love her and that she is being honest and am not doing it just so I won't be without her. I think I am strong enough to walk if this happens again and she knows it. But what if I am not strong enough.....I don't know what to do. She knows this is her last chance and that I *will* find out if this keeps going on.

[AAlike]

Well, although I've never been in that situation, as somebody who is stubborn enough to argue for the sake of arguing all the time, I can see where she's coming from and could imagine myself doing something like this just for the "F You" value of it - I know that makes me seem childish but it is what it is.

 

Therefore, I was with her up until after the first confrontation. HOWEVER - if I were in her shoes, the moment that I was confronted with it or "caught", I would have given it up. The fact that she persisted and was caught not once but TWICE more makes me think that there's a little more to this than just "a game." She knows how you feel, that you're already on the alert for this, and she's STILL doing it. so it's no longer some oneupsmanship crap, you've now conveyed to her that you're not cool with it and she's STILL doing it. therefore, it's a direct slap in the face to you. not a good sign.

 

I'm not saying that you should definitely leave her, but I would be VERY cautious at this point.

[v33]

Thanks, appreciate the feedback. She says she has been able to ignore some of his emails and she does it for her and our sake, but sometimes he sends something with a subject line that pushes her buttons and she just has to reply.

 

So where we stand now is that she swears she will delete right away and will never respond. I have expressed to her that I am concerned that he will really try for a while to get to her until she has ignored him for a while and she understands this but is committed to letting this go as she realizes it is ridiculous and damaging to us and to her.

 

I was VERY firm the last time this happened and I think it surprised her. Learning to stand up for myself has been hard but I realize now that it is the only way to get respect. She is talking about it often now, and has been open about his last email so I am giving her a chance. She seems very scared and concerned about me leaving and I think she has finally realized how seriously I view this and how silly it is for her to waste her emotional energy on something so petty when we have such a great thing together. And we really do! If it wasn't for this strange situation I would have no concerns about her and I at all, and I have NEVER felt that way in life.

[allanDR]

Break up with her. They were clearly making plans to meet and you know they were going to hook up. Don't kid yourself. She's only being remorseful because she got caught. She may be a wonderful girl but no matter how much you love her, don't put yourself through this ****. Break up with her.

 

It just comes down to that. She was planning on meeting up with him behind your back. She wanted to cheat on you. Love hurts. Start over.

[lkjh]

She made plans to meet him and she lies straight to your face! Im willing to bet that if you talked to her ex H you would hear a way different story about why they split. From what I read she likes the other guy as well as you but she seems to be going after this guy.

[v33]

Break up with her. They were clearly making plans to meet and you know they were going to hook up. Don't kid yourself. She's only being remorseful because she got caught. She may be a wonderful girl but no matter how much you love her, don't put yourself through this ****. Break up with her.

 

It just comes down to that. She was planning on meeting up with him behind your back. She wanted to cheat on you. Love hurts. Start over.

 

When I saw that thing about them meeting I freaked. The only thing is that it would be impossible for her to do so, especially on that day. We are both off that day and are going out of town. She swears up and down she was just saying that and that she has had AMPLE opportunity to meet him over the last few months but never would. And that is true, she could have anytime she wanted, or slept with him when he showed up at her house months ago.

 

But who knows.... do you ever really know? How can anybody trust their partner?

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should remember the old saying:

 

"Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

She was going to meet up with him and screw him. She constantly lies to your face. I am sorry but she is playing you for a total fool. You have no credibility because she knows she can continue to do this and you take her back. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

 

Her behavior indicates that she really has no respect for you and apparently is using you as the safety net guy. She clearly is very hot for this other guy. Again she has no respect for you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Lucky_One]

Don't be love-blind.

[v33]

This is ****ed up. I really want to believe her. But these responses are not making me feel very optimistic. If she is lying to me, then she is a VERY good actress.

[Mike B.]

First off, you know you have her password. You can be straight up her. No one leaves mistakenly leaves their email open and does it again after being busted, esepcially within a short amount of time but that's beside the point...

 

Please listen to what these people are trying to tell you, man. She wants this guy, especially since she can't have him. This guy can get her anytime he wants. I know it hurts like hell but walk now and don't look back!

 

 

Trust me, the second time you busted her and forgave her, she began to lose a big chunk of respect for you and you won't be able to gain it back at this point. What's done is done.

 

Forget this whole "game playing" lie. Anyone who has ever been crazy about someone would tell you that once you are truly over a person, you don't give a damn what they think or why they do what they do. You're too busy getting on with your life to care.

 

She is going cuckoo over a guy she supposedly messed around with for two months?

[Jilly Bean]

I was totally on her side up until the point that she kept continuing contact with him.

 

If it really was just for some type of closure, or eff-u scene, when she saw your reaction and how it impacted your relationship, she would have stopped.

 

But, it has gotten to the point of her arranging a meet with this guy.

 

Yes, I think you're being very foolish. She clearly wants to be with this other guy, and as soon as she gets the affirmation she seeks from him, then she's jumping ship. She's using you until she gets that, and plans her escape.

 

Dump her.

[Mike B.]

Forget this whole "game playing" lie. Anyone who has ever been crazy about someone would tell you that once you are truly over a person, you don't give a damn what they think or why they do what they do. You're too busy getting on with your life to care. She is keeping you around to at least have someone at her side, especially if she has low self-esteem and fears being alone. The guy obviously has a lot of control over her. Look how he screw up her presnt relationship just by not giving a damn about her. She is using you to fill a void left by him, man.

[Lucky_One]

v33, she has done this three times in about a month. Gets busted, cries, swears never to do it again, gets busted, cries, swears never to do it again, gets busted, gets mad, cries, swears never to do it again.

 

She swore she wouldn't ever see him again, and you have it in writing in her own words that she is planning on meeting him.

 

Did you believe that Sundance loved Etta? Redford was excellent in that film...

[v33]

v33, she has done this three times in about a month. Gets busted, cries, swears never to do it again, gets busted, cries, swears never to do it again, gets busted, gets mad, cries, swears never to do it again.

 

She swore she wouldn't ever see him again, and you have it in writing in her own words that she is planning on meeting him.

 

Did you believe that Sundance loved Etta? Redford was excellent in that film...

 

I know, but there is just no way she could have met him, especially on the night she mentioned. I live with her and we are always together. And as I said she has had ample opportunity in the past and claims she never did.

 

****, as I write this I realize I am just hearing what I don't want to hear, but need to.

[Lucky_One]

She has time to write him.

 

I know this hurts, but she is clearly not over this man, regardless of what she is saying or doing.

 

I think it would be best if you stayed at your own place, and let her get over her feelings about her semi-exGF.

[Mike B.]

Yeah, man. I know it hurts to do this all now but you will be so much better off in the long run. You are really setting yourself up to really get screwed around in this deal. It stings now but if you stick around, you are eventually going to get that cold bucket of water splashed in your face on a cold winter night when you finally find out that she has slept with him when she does (if she hasn't already).

 

 

Don't let the whole "we are always together" thing fool you. No one but siamese twins is always together. This will only screw your head up because now you will always have to worry about her so you will get no peace either way. Move on. Just move on.

[AAlike]

yeah, the more that I read about this whole thing I am concerned that she might be viewing you as "the safe guy" or the constant and the other guy as the "bad boy" and if she can get him to settle down with her great, if not, she always has you as a fallback. that explains all that "get to know you" crap.

 

I generally hate telling people that they need to break up with anyone, because usually you're only hearing one side...but if this really played out like you said, then she is totally disrespecting you.

[AAlike]

I was totally on her side up until the point that she kept continuing contact with him.

 

If it really was just for some type of closure, or eff-u scene, when she saw your reaction and how it impacted your relationship, she would have stopped.

 

But, it has gotten to the point of her arranging a meet with this guy.

 

Yes, I think you're being very foolish. She clearly wants to be with this other guy, and as soon as she gets the affirmation she seeks from him, then she's jumping ship. She's using you until she gets that, and plans her escape.

 

Dump her.

 

exactly. I can totally let the first one slide. but there is no excusing the second and third.

[SoulStorm]

She's not only playing mind games with the other guy, she is playing them with you too.

 

I see nothing but total disrespect and stringing you along. Like everyone has said,you are her fall back guy.

 

Forget about her crying and begging, they are just manipulative ploys.

 

I say like the others

 

Dump her, she is going to do it to you once the other guy takes her bait and meets up with her.

 

I applaud you standing up for yourself, but the more you let her get away with it by not jumping ship when she contacts him, the more she will keep doing it.

 

When you were packing your bags and about to leave, she saw you meant business. She may take it further underground now.

 

So I say keep snooping, the minute you catch her again, if I were you, I would pack my bags and tell her you're done and leave for good.

 

It's not worth the heartache..trust me on this

[sweet&simple]

Yeah.. 4 months in and this is already happening? Dump her. I'm sorry, you can forgive someone ONCE, but THREE times in the course of a month over the same thing? Pass.

 

Either she's screwing around with the both of you [regardless of if she could have met him, she was still trying to set up plans-- who knows, maybe she was going to bail out on you and say she had other plans that day or something and really meet up with him.. don't claim it's impossible, when someone wants to cheat, they'll find a way around things] or she's DEFINITELY not over him. Like it was said above, once you're with someone else that you're really into, this other guy wouldn't matter.

 

Don't let her use that "well I want to 'set him straight,' or find out if he was ****ing around on me" excuse-- of COURSE he was screwing around on her. It's obvious. There's nothing to prove.

 

Also.. I don't know if anyone has brought this up yet or not.. but.. if she only responded to the emails because they "pushed her buttons," etc, etc.. why hasn't she, oh I don't know, BLOCKED his email address?

 

Seriously, don't invest any more time in this. It sounds like she has a lot of baggage emotionally that she should have worked out looooong before trying to enter into any kind of relationship.. and while it's admirable you want to be there for her, it's also incredibly foolish.

[blueintheface]

i would run for the hills. you can't fix her. she doesnt want to fix herself.

 

plus i have a gut feeling she's lying.

[zicke]

She is so playing you. As a woman, I can tell you that women can be manipulative, but, she is really, really making plans with the guy. She is not over the man.

 

She is manipulating you. She wants her cake, and then your cupcake as well. You are her backup for when this guy ****s her over again.

 

Lose her. You'll thank us. And yes, she IS THAT GOOD OF AN ACTRESS.

[manugeorge]

Sounds like something a 15 year old would do, you know, in that initial stage of adolescence when maturity is far from setting in.

 

How old is she?