jimmyclicious Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 My wife left me about 6 months ago. I wasn't totally blindsided - & I let her do whatever it was that she needed to do to make her happy. I kept on with my life, Yes, from what I hear "got a little crazy" during that time. I that 6 months time though we did seek counseling. She has since moved back home & I thought we were trying to work things out. Here is my dilema: While we were separated I got to know quite a few young ladies. I didn't 'date' any of them, but they are now my friends. My wife has a problem with me texting them. She is ready to move out again if I don't stop with the text messages. Should I give up my friends because of my wife's insecurities? I believe she checks my cell phone, so she knows that we are texting thruout the day. Is it wrong for her to do this?
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Put your wife first and stop flirting and texting with these other women. They are NOT your friends, they served a purpose while you were separated..But, you're not separated anymore. Right now you need to focus on your wife, your marriage and getting things good again. How is texting these women helping your marriage? WHY are you texting and WHAT are you texting to these women throughout the day? Seems to me, you want to have an ego feed, have attention... Yes, your wife has every reason to be upset. BE a husband, BE an adult and put your wife first. Or, separate/divorce so you can do what you want to do. Flirt and have fun. DON'T do it on the expense of your wife..If you need 'friends' talk to your guy buddy's and family, don't hang out with other women. That's just asking for trouble and you know it.. Ask yourself this. How would YOU feel if your wife texted other men throughout the day and started having fun with them? Wouldn't YOU feel jealous and hurt, wondering WHY she is choosing men friends over you and the marriage? Stop being selfish otherwise you WILL lose your wife, and you'll have noone to blame but yourself.
Author jimmyclicious Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I kind of see your point - but i don't know what the big deal is to have friends. they are just friends & they know how unhappy i was when my wife and i were apart - they want us to get back together. i love my wife, but telling me to abandon my friends is asking an awful lot. she has male friends and i don't question her intentions with them.
SmartWoman321 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Well, I have an idea. If these lady friends "want you to get back together"...and if they are that good of friends, you could just explain to them that you want to respect your wifes feelings and therfore you will have to put the friendships/communication "on hold" for a while so you can see if things are going to work out. I wouldn't have a problem with that if I was one of your women friends.
sparkey64 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I agree, if you want to save your marriage don't go near the candy jar. It sucks being a guy in this situation because if/when (as in my case) your wife takes off again. You are left with no social network. And they usually have one in place before they bail.
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I kind of see your point - but i don't know what the big deal is to have friends. they are just friends & they know how unhappy i was when my wife and i were apart - they want us to get back together. i love my wife, but telling me to abandon my friends is asking an awful lot. she has male friends and i don't question her intentions with them. Yes, they are women friends who you went to during the rough patch in your marriage. You spoke to them about personal stuff and now that you and your wife are back together, your energy and focus should be on HER. You wife. Why are you texting these women throughout the day? You never did answer that question. She isn't asking you to dump them, she just wants you to slow down and not put so much energy into new found friendships with other women. What is more important here? You decide. Your wife and her feelings or having women friends? If you choose your friends over your marriage, well, you might as well expect more issues in your marriage and some more fights with your wife. Can I ask why you two separated in the first place? Did it involve other women?
Author jimmyclicious Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 We first separated because she thinks that I spend too much time with my friends. I enjoy happy hour very much, & my friends very much, she thought I was coming home 'intoxicated' too much. Which I disagreed with. She also thinks that I am too trusting of a person. I believe in Karma...so I am not mean to anyone. It doesn't matter if they decide to be mean & ugly to me - I'm just not going to go there with people. Now, way back in the day (we have been married 30 years) she did have an affair. But I forgave her for that - It honestly didn't bother me. And, we moved on past it. These female friends are just that - friends. I do flirt a little bit (& my wife has seen one text back from one of these girls- but, for the most part I erase anything that is said before I go home) They are very important to me, but my wife is important too. I just don't know why I have to be the one that makes so many adjustments to make this marriage work.
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Translation - Your wife feels you don't put her first and that you would rather have fun with your friends. She thinks you don't care about her, don't need her. Maybe you aren't ready to man-up and be a husband to your wife. Sorry, but there's a big difference of spending time with friends and what you are doing. Seems you're pushing the envelope and being selfish. You are acting totally inappropriately and you don't even see it. You're putting yourself in situations where you're spending more time with women friends than your own wife. If you can't see that, then yes, your marriage IS going to fall apart. Sorry to be harsh here.
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Now, way back in the day (we have been married 30 years) she did have an affair. But I forgave her for that - It honestly didn't bother me. And, we moved on past it. BINGO. And there it is. To you, her affair wasn't a big deal. And she knows it, yet that is why you can justify going out with your women friends ... So, are you willing to throw away a 30 year marriage over spending time drinking and partying with your friends and other women? Do you two have kids?
Author jimmyclicious Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 No, I don't think you are being harsh. I asked for honest opinions & I really expect to get them here. We do have 2 kids - but they are both grown. We are empty nesters. As for the partying. We both did it - at first when our kids first left home - but she tired of it. it's like she's the one changing the rules now.
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 She isn't changing the rules, she just doesn't want to go out and party as much anymore. You two need to get away alone together, plan a trip or something. Try to reconnect and make eachother feel good again, instead of fighting and putting others first. Try putting eachother first and go from there. Bring her flowers, go out on a date, dress up and have FUN.
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