itgirlragdoll Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 So I posted a thread yesterday afternoon (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164833/) about my boyfriend of 4 months and how I was a little unsure about how to go about bring up the "i love you" thing. Well, I told him last night that "I think I am falling in love with you," and he just hugged and kissed me and didn't really respond. Great. So, today, he left for work relatively early. He had taken some pictures on his camera of some stuff he wanted to sell on ebay and asked if I would mind uploading them while he was gone. Sure, no problem. Well, I'm not going to attempt to excuse my snooping by saying that the camera upload FORCED me to browse his iPhoto library, but regardless, I did. And I'm not mad or angry about anything I saw, just worried. In my last post I mentioned that his last GF, who he was only with for 6 mos total, I was pretty sure he had exchanged "I love yous" with her. Well not only am I pretty sure now, I'm sure. I found, no lie, HUNDREDS of self-taken pictures of them cuddling, kissing, even having sex (made my stomach turn a little), holding each other, going to parties together, etc. Most of them were "webcam-esque" pics of them laying in bed and playing with the camera and him taking pictures of her). Now none of these have been opened in about a year so it's not like he's looking at them all the time so I really don't care that they are there. Thing is, we have bee together around 4 and a half months, and I don't think a single picture of the two of us exists. I don't think he even has a picture of just me. Not only were there pictures, but mixed in there was this long drawn out "journal" entry he wrote while they were together, about how when he met her he fell for her instantly, what an amazing woman she is/was, blah blah. This changes things. Because up until this point I was just under the impression that he was a generally guarded person who was very careful about showing emotions. Like I said he has never taken a picture of us for himself, never even one of just me. And, not to sound stuck up or anything, but I am an attractive person (I am about 5'8, 115lbs but with nice curves; and that is my face in my icon! So I'm not ugly!) - and I know he is attracted to me physically. I also THOUGHT I knew that he was attracted to me emotionally but now I'm not so sure. If he was so completely enamoured by this woman that he would do, say, and feel anything for her; but now treats me so differently, then what the hell is wrong with me?
Geishawhelk Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Being confronted with all these images is bound to make you feel a bit insecure. I think that's what I'm getting....the basic "What's she got that I haven't?" I think you'd be perfectly within your rights to calmly say to him that the next time he wants you to download stuff, could he be a bit more sensititve about what you might see, because it was a bit 'in-your-face' being confronted with all of that. And it would make you feel very nice thank you, if he thought of maybe building up as 'nice' a portfolio of the 2 of you together.....
serialgf Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I don't think you should be so quick to blame yourself (i.e. "what's wrong with me?") because it really may have little or nothing to do with you. What i'm trying to say is, do you know why the two of them ended it? Maybe he was hurt by her or by some other relationship between her and you and that's why his guard is up. Or maybe she was really into taking pictures and initiated a lot of it... you never know. Just something to consider. There is a possibility however that maybe he's not head over heels for you. But even if that's the case it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Just to give you a little perspective from my personal experience, I was totally crazy over my ex - I painted portraits of him, took pictures in bed, etc. But he was horrible for me. The guy i'm with now i've fallen for more gradually and he is a much better match for me and in a lot of ways i love him more than my ex. I do sympathize with you - finding those pics obviously hurt. I think a good short term solution is to just try initiating taking some pics together. You can say something clever like, "hey babe uploading those pics for you made me realize that we don't have any pics of us and i'd like to take some - let's do it." definitely DO NOT mention that you saw his albums - its an invasion of his privacy and unnecessary. It sounds like you have been pretty satisfied with your relationship up to now - keep the positive vibes and help make it stronger - stay up!
quankanne Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 And it would make you feel very nice thank you, if he thought of maybe building up as 'nice' a portfolio of the 2 of you together..... ah, if he's not going to do that of his own volition, doesn't it become more of a demand for equal footing? He may care for her in his own fashion, but if she's got to drop hints or tell him that he ought to carry her photos around too, it just might make her feel like he's doing it because he feels he *has* to, not because he wants to. though I do agree with the first part of your post, geisha: He needs to be a bit more considerate when handing over his camera and askng her to take care of his business. It wasn't an intentional slight for her to find the ex's photos, but nonetheless, it's still upsetting.
carhill Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 OP, I have a bad feeling. I can't put a construct to it yet, but wanted to share. I did read and participate in your thread yesterday. Hmmm..... I'll just say that I'll be happy to be wrong Your intrinsic value is self-evident and not dependent on the actions/opinions/viewpoints of others, including you BF. Just remember that, always
Ronni_W Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 up until this point I was just under the impression that he was a generally guarded person who was very careful about showing emotions. Depending on how things ended with his ex, perhaps he just made a conscious or unconscious decision to do everything "opposite" this time...with the hope that he doesn't similarly contribute to whatever problems they had, and to avoid making the same mistakes he made in his prior relationship? It would be totally convoluted and misguided thinking but, especially if it is unconscious, that's often what we use to (try to) solve our problems, cope with our challenges, and avoid repeating the same mistakes and feeling the same hurts. Possibly he had not done enough 'clearing & healing' and self-reflection about that old relationship before getting into something with you.
Author itgirlragdoll Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 OP, I have a bad feeling. Me too. :[ Your intrinsic value is self-evident and not dependent on the actions/opinions/viewpoints of others, including you BF. Just remember that, always Thanks very much. :]
Ruby Slippers Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 How much time was there between his previous relationship and the one with you?
Author itgirlragdoll Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 How much time was there between his previous relationship and the one with you? Almost exactly a year (maybe a month or so less).
Author itgirlragdoll Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Bit of an update. I talked to him today and didn't mention the pictures or anything. I just kind of tried to ease into the topic of relationships and said, "I don't mean to be nosy, and if you don't want to answer you don't have to, but what did happen between you and ______? It seems like you cared for her a lot and I never really heard the whole story." So I guess she cheated on him. Apparently he had found text messages on her phone from an ex boyfriend about them meeting up and sleeping together. So I kind of understand now...however I'm still not sure where to go with things. Any advice?
JoeNewbie Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 There could be a number of reasons why he acts the way he does. Perhaps he doesn't even know himself. Regardless of what happened, you should not compare your relationship with any other relationship. Every relationship is different. If you're happy, then the rest doesn't matter.
almost famous Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Don't have sex with him for a while. I think you need to become more emotionally connected rather than giving it up to him.
Legend Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 So I posted a thread yesterday afternoon (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164833/) about my boyfriend of 4 months and how I was a little unsure about how to go about bring up the "i love you" thing. Well, I told him last night that "I think I am falling in love with you," and he just hugged and kissed me and didn't really respond. Great. So, today, he left for work relatively early. He had taken some pictures on his camera of some stuff he wanted to sell on ebay and asked if I would mind uploading them while he was gone. Sure, no problem. Well, I'm not going to attempt to excuse my snooping by saying that the camera upload FORCED me to browse his iPhoto library, but regardless, I did. And I'm not mad or angry about anything I saw, just worried. In my last post I mentioned that his last GF, who he was only with for 6 mos total, I was pretty sure he had exchanged "I love yous" with her. Well not only am I pretty sure now, I'm sure. I found, no lie, HUNDREDS of self-taken pictures of them cuddling, kissing, even having sex (made my stomach turn a little), holding each other, going to parties together, etc. Most of them were "webcam-esque" pics of them laying in bed and playing with the camera and him taking pictures of her). Now none of these have been opened in about a year so it's not like he's looking at them all the time so I really don't care that they are there. Thing is, we have bee together around 4 and a half months, and I don't think a single picture of the two of us exists. I don't think he even has a picture of just me. Not only were there pictures, but mixed in there was this long drawn out "journal" entry he wrote while they were together, about how when he met her he fell for her instantly, what an amazing woman she is/was, blah blah. This changes things. Because up until this point I was just under the impression that he was a generally guarded person who was very careful about showing emotions. Like I said he has never taken a picture of us for himself, never even one of just me. And, not to sound stuck up or anything, but I am an attractive person (I am about 5'8, 115lbs but with nice curves; and that is my face in my icon! So I'm not ugly!) - and I know he is attracted to me physically. I also THOUGHT I knew that he was attracted to me emotionally but now I'm not so sure. If he was so completely enamoured by this woman that he would do, say, and feel anything for her; but now treats me so differently, then what the hell is wrong with me? dump him, date me!
Author itgirlragdoll Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 dump him, date me! Haha, not sure that helps a whole lot, but thanks for the offer cutie! :]
Ocean-Blue Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Ouch. I totally sympathize with you. Last year, I stumbled upon emails my bf's ex sent him (about how much she loves him, etc) and I've also come across a few pics of them together. Although their R wasn't too serious (on his end), reading those emails made me insane for a long time. I am still learning to "let go". It's just a gut reaction to such visceral, emotional stuff... I hope you sort it all out.
Ronni_W Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 So I kind of understand now...however I'm still not sure where to go with things. Any advice? Could ask him if he thinks he may have developed trust issues because of it, or if he's aware of any other "relationship decisions & conclusions" he may have reached as a result of his prior bad experience. If he has developed a "new" way of being in relationships, the conscious or unconscious hope would be that it'll prevent any future feelings of hurt, betrayal and disappointment. That is, as a maladaptive coping mechanism designed to protect himself. Depending on what is going on for him, you might be able to offer some books or websites relating to 'trust issues' or whatever the specific issue that has him stuck.
torranceshipman Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Why not just be open and tell him that there were about 100 photos of him and his ex making out on the camera? And that it totally freaked you out? Definitely the best thing to do in my book is to tell him-is there a reason why you feel you couldnt say this to him? In the past I've kept stuff to myself instead of ask a boyfriend when I (although not completely realising it at the time) didnt want to risk getting an answer I didnt want to hear. Now I am always pretty straight up and honestly, you do get the best results that way. I'd tell him and get it off your chest, and also see what his reaction is - I should think he'd be a bit horrified you saw all that as he would probably think it freaked you out/upset you. Let him make it up to you! Or if you dont get that reaction, well, its a useful sign of his feelings, either way.
Sysyphus28 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 That is pretty harsh. I have had three serious ex-girlfriends....and thier have been alot of pictures taken. They are mementos of the past and they are worth holding on to for the sake of rememberence. If he the folders were open and being looked at everyday, that would be pretty lame. But.....it is safe to assume that those are forgotten. A year ago is a long time to get over someone.
Lucky_One Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I agree with both torrance and sisyphus., I would mention it to him, but I also agree that people keep remembrances; I have lots of love letters from college and pictures and stuff. However, keeping a hundred intimate pictures is too much, IMHO. I am not wild about my man keeping pictures of him having sex with somene else on his phone, and I don't think that is unreasonable of me to feel or unreasonable for me to tell him. How he reacts will also be telling.
Author itgirlragdoll Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Why not just be open and tell him that there were about 100 photos of him and his ex making out on the camera? And that it totally freaked you out? Definitely the best thing to do in my book is to tell him-is there a reason why you feel you couldnt say this to him? In the past I've kept stuff to myself instead of ask a boyfriend when I (although not completely realising it at the time) didnt want to risk getting an answer I didnt want to hear. Now I am always pretty straight up and honestly, you do get the best results that way. I'd tell him and get it off your chest, and also see what his reaction is - I should think he'd be a bit horrified you saw all that as he would probably think it freaked you out/upset you. Let him make it up to you! Or if you dont get that reaction, well, its a useful sign of his feelings, either way. Because they weren't on the camera, they were in his photo library folders and I selectively chose to look through them. That was my bad (in my opinion). I don't want him to feel I've violated his privacy. And like I said they hadn't been opened in a long time, so I guess I don't really have a problem with the fact that they are there (of course I'd be happier if they weren't), just unhappy with how enamoured he seemed to be with her in every way, shape and form, and how he somehow has trouble showing me the same affection. I guess I just wish he would be straight with me. He tells me he cares about me very much and that I'm so important to him. Yet he is comparatively distant with me (as compared to those lovey dovey photos with his ex). I know many have mentioned to not compare relationships but it is SO hard. Especially when, the guy is almost 32 years old, and this was his last relationship, only a year ago. Why is he now so different with me? After sharing my feelings and then having them not returned, then almost thrown back in my face by seeing these pictures, I am really not sure about what to do with this relationship.
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