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Posted

So yesterday the object of my affection and I talked. (So much for N/C)

 

I was honest with him about my love for him, though I didn't use that word, that it was unconditional, which is how I knew it was real. I didn't want to change him, or make him do anything he didn't wish to do. I love him just the way he is. We admitted we are both commitment-phobic, and that when things get to the serious point in relationships, we bail.

 

He became visibly emotional, but didn't cry. His face became very red, and I could see the pain in his face, something I've not seen before. He said he didn't want to hurt me. I told him I didn't want to hurt him either, that if he said he wanted a relationship tomorrow, that I could just as easily be the one to chicken out.

 

He said he'd thought about that, which was new to me. He had considered this, which means he's given thought to our interaction being more than just casual, and he wondered whether I would hurt him. And I'm worried he will hurt me. And I love him with all my heart. Is there any way we can win this situation? He is dating someone else right now, though he said they'd only been out twice. I am about to move to a different city, so I stopped dating.

 

He said he had never had a conversation like that with a woman before, where we laid it all out there and discussed it like rational human beings. I was surprised by that. Is this really that uncommon? Since my parent's marriage was so rotten, stemming from a complete lack of communication, I have made it a point to at least try to communicate in those situations that mean a lot to me, of which this is one.

Posted

So, you know the two of you can have intimate conversations and accept each other's perspectives.....where to next? You're leaving and he's dating other women. Help me understand what you want here.

 

BTW, I'd reconsider unconditional love. It's highly over-rated. Better reserved for cute little genetic packages called babies :) I once thought it was the best and most pure thing in the world. It might be, but IMO it's not healthy, at least between two adults.

 

Lastly, no, such communication is not uncommon. 8 out of 10 women (my average) I've known I can have such conversations with, regardless of romantic intent. One can have deep intimate conversations with platonic friends too, but I find women more open to them than men, in general.

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Posted

I'm actually moving closer to where he is. It's less expensive, and I have friends and family there. Right now, I'm kind of an island in a bigger city, and it's become more difficult for me to exist here alone without much of a support system.

 

Yes, he's now dating someone for the first time in our year of seeing each other casually. I did so early on, and he knew about it. This is the first time he has, but he was honest with me about it.

 

I understand your saying to reconsider the unconditional love. My point was that, I love him in a way that defies any sort of daily crap. I love him no matter what happens in my daily hum drum. To me, that lets me know it's real. I can't think it away. It defies logic. I love him, and it scares me because it's outside my control.

 

Perhaps in your experience women were capable of having such conversations. Apparently in his, they have not. Maybe this will help us grow, maybe it won't. I can't help thinking that I have pushed him away where he's dating this other woman now; I am guilty of playing games and holding him at arm's length. I think, in the beginning, he was willing to let me in, and now he isn't.

Posted

Since you are moving closer and perhaps can have more casual (not planned way in advance) contact, you might be able to resynchronize your clocks. Timing is an important issue, IMO. This may sound wrong, but a period of NC could allow you both to center yourselves and consider your shared potential. It also would allow him to view his current dates in terms of how he feels in the vacuum of that reality, without the pleasant and friendly support you provide. If he is to do so, he must come to you of his own accord.

 

Wrt the love part, try using the verbage "freely" and "openly" vs "unconditionally". I know what you mean. You do, in reality, have conditions on your love. You wish it returned and I'll bet there are specific actions and emotions you wished expressed to you by someone you love. Compare that to how you love a baby, for example. It's totally one-way and any return is incidental, not desired in the moment or perhaps at all. Adult love is getting your needs met too. :)

 

Since you're communicating well, what do you think of telling him you need some time alone to resolve your feelings and deal with your move? You're not dating and perhaps don't intend to for awhile, but one never knows. The emotional space between you will affect him, if he has any feelings of desire for and connection to you.

 

One path...many others to choose from. Hope you find the right one for you :)

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Posted
Since you are moving closer and perhaps can have more casual (not planned way in advance) contact, you might be able to resynchronize your clocks. Timing is an important issue, IMO. This may sound wrong, but a period of NC could allow you both to center yourselves and consider your shared potential. It also would allow him to view his current dates in terms of how he feels in the vacuum of that reality, without the pleasant and friendly support you provide. If he is to do so, he must come to you of his own accord.

 

Yes, timing is important, and he also told me that the city where I live is definitely a city where he would never live, so if there's any shot at us mixing things up with our routine, I'd have to relocate. The good thing is, I had considered moving before he came into my life, so I'm glad that he's not the deciding factor, which could be setting me up for disappointment.

 

Since he was so quick to say he'd only been out on two dates with this person, and that she wasn't a good kisser, that I was much better, I felt like I had already won with this particular dating comparison, but still made me feel lousy that I now know he's acting on his dating impulses. If he's afraid to risk me hurting him or him hurting me, I'm not sure he will come to me of his own accord.

 

But I have to remain confident in my own skin. If he finds someone he wants to be with other than me, and suddenly wants a relationship with her when he's insisted he only wants to be casual and pursue his career, well then, I would just be another statistic in this line of pseudo-romance.

 

Wrt the love part, try using the verbage "freely" and "openly" vs "unconditionally". :)

 

I see your point here and will make the adjustment.

 

Since you're communicating well, what do you think of telling him you need some time alone to resolve your feelings and deal with your move? You're not dating and perhaps don't intend to for awhile, but one never knows. The emotional space between you will affect him, if he has any feelings of desire for and connection to you.

 

I'm not sure now is the time to ask for time, since we just had this great conversation where we revealed vulnerabilities to the other, big deals for us. I think that would be taking a big step backwards. I figured I would just let it go, and let him contact me when he feels like it. He said he would call me later this week to catch up with me, another stride, since for many months now, we've only been texting and emailing between visits. We've gone back to calling now. Whether he calls or not remains to be seen. I mean, I'm not sure where I reside on his priority list since he's added others to the equation.:o

Posted

If he's telling you about his dating life, even in the most casual of terms, this signals to me that he's not currently interested in pursuing anything with you. If you feel NC is inappropriate, then try this: Keep conversations topical and not personal (as in intimate) and change the subject when he starts talking about his dates.

 

What I'm hearing from you is significant. You're thinking it would be a possibility to relocate due to how you feel about him. IMO, that's a big deal. If a woman ever expressed that to me, I'd know she was: Apparently very interested in me, to the point of significantly altering her life to be with me. My level of interest would dictate my response. I certainly, regardless of interest, would not be casual about communicating it and give the discourse the seriousness and thought it deserved.

 

LDR's are tough, even prospectively.... hope you find a satisfying path for yourself...

Posted

Of what I would term my more successful relationships, this type of discussion/straight up communication happened. You do away with hide and seek, so you're able to trust on both sides.

 

I have to ask these questions, not out of malice or spite but to get you to examine your feelings for this man and emotions in general. Why do you feel such strong love towards him, now that he's unavailable? Also, why can you make yourself vulnerable to him at this point in time? Is it possible that since he's unavailable, he's no longer a threat?

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Posted
Of what I would term my more successful relationships, this type of discussion/straight up communication happened. You do away with hide and seek, so you're able to trust on both sides.

 

I have to ask these questions, not out of malice or spite but to get you to examine your feelings for this man and emotions in general. Why do you feel such strong love towards him, now that he's unavailable? Also, why can you make yourself vulnerable to him at this point in time? Is it possible that since he's unavailable, he's no longer a threat?

 

Hi TBF. Yes, I think we are both full of love, and deep-down, very caring individuals, who have made it a habit to protect ourselves by not letting others in. Or letting people in only to a point. I think he really wants to trust me, and I really want to trust him. I mentioned before that he said that he had considered what if we were in a relationship, and *I* was the one who decided to bail. That I hurt him. He has never revealed to me thinking anything along these lines, which tells me there's more to his feelings for me than he is admitting.

 

I have strong feelings of love for him because I like the way he makes me feel, giggly, alive, warm, and I like that we have fun together, hike, play games, enjoy coffee, movies. I like that I have something to offer him, and he can teach me about things I don't understand. We understand each other on a basic level, but are just different enough to keep things interesting. I am intrigued by the unorthodox path he's taken in his life, that is so different from anyone else I know. He is different, and I like that very much. When we kiss, I get weak in the knees, which is startling. He affects me in every way.

 

That said, he said he's not interesting in anything serious with this other person, and before he left, we had a very passionate kissing session, which is the first in a while. He cupped his hands around my face and was more tender in his embrace for me, which is a first in over a year. I was very surprised. Then it got kind of heated, and I could feel his heart beating, and his, well, you know, against my leg. We can converse, AND it's hot. Ugh, why so complicated??:bunny:

 

If he turned around and said he wanted a relationship tomorrow, I'm not sure how I would react. I just know that I can't get him out of my system, and THAT is what I consider threatening.:o

Posted

OK, you have chemistry. You have communication. Tell me, if you see two people kissing on TV or on the street, what is your first thought? Be honest.

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Posted
OK, you have chemistry. You have communication. Tell me, if you see two people kissing on TV or on the street, what is your first thought? Be honest.

 

 

It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm invading their privacy. I may even look away.

Posted

OK, what's your second thought? I understand the first one completely. I'm curious about something I've been working on and have found some fascinating results from, but don't want to "lead" you.

 

When you had the intimate conversation with this guy and felt the "connection" and his response, how did you feel, at that moment? Not about him, but rather about yourself?

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Posted
OK, what's your second thought? I understand the first one completely. I'm curious about something I've been working on and have found some fascinating results from, but don't want to "lead" you.

 

I guess my second thought would be that it would be nice if *I* could be doing that with someone I care about.

 

When you had the intimate conversation with this guy and felt the "connection" and his response, how did you feel, at that moment? Not about him, but rather about yourself?

 

I wrestled with wanting to take him in my arms, and holding my ground with strength, looking him in the eye, and staying in control. This won out. I felt empowered but sad.

Posted

OK, IMO, you're not ready yet, or he's not "the one". I've got a mileage run tonight and will try to journal my postulations tomorrow whilst enjoying the fine accommodations at the Atlanta airport all day. :)

 

BTW, I'm leaning more towards the former than the latter.....

Posted

audrey, you sound like me and my husband 20 years ago, when we were first at the "do I want this or not" stage – he'd been divorced twice before, and the last wife put him through the wringer, so he was very much Anti Love and Anti Relationship.

 

like you, I laid my heart on the line, because oddly enough, I trusted in the future to square things away even though intellectually, I knew I was up against a lot with his given history.

 

that's not to say we didn't have our rough patches while dating and early on in the marriage, but you know what? I'm glad I trusted my inner voice with this man, because it's been right on the money with the assessment that this was a person I could enjoy being old with, and I'd never had that feeling before about other romantic interests.

 

so be strong in your love for him, even though there's a chance that he could do something that'll hurt you – because your heart will benefit from this relationship even if you two end up elsewhere later down the line.

 

quank,

who made that leap of faith 16 years ago when I said "I do"

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Posted
OK, IMO, you're not ready yet, or he's not "the one". I've got a mileage run tonight and will try to journal my postulations tomorrow whilst enjoying the fine accommodations at the Atlanta airport all day.

 

BTW, I'm leaning more towards the former than the latter.....

 

Why would I not be ready? Because I opted not to take him into my arms? What would the other alternative have been?

 

Ah, Atlanta. My city. The city he said he would never live in. Enjoy the run and safe travels, Carhill. I always appreciate your insight and await your postulations. I enjoy your journal tremendously.

 

audrey, you sound like me and my husband 20 years ago, when we were first at the "do I want this or not" stage – he'd been divorced twice before, and the last wife put him through the wringer, so he was very much Anti Love and Anti Relationship.

 

like you, I laid my heart on the line, because oddly enough, I trusted in the future to square things away even though intellectually, I knew I was up against a lot with his given history.

 

that's not to say we didn't have our rough patches while dating and early on in the marriage, but you know what? I'm glad I trusted my inner voice with this man, because it's been right on the money with the assessment that this was a person I could enjoy being old with, and I'd never had that feeling before about other romantic interests.

 

so be strong in your love for him, even though there's a chance that he could do something that'll hurt you – because your heart will benefit from this relationship even if you two end up elsewhere later down the line.

 

quank,

who made that leap of faith 16 years ago when I said "I do"

 

Wow, I got teary eyed with this message. Thank you, Quankanne. And you're right, there's just something inside that tells me to breathe and let it work itself out. I can't explain it. I've never had it before. It does hurt me he's seeing someone else right now, though. This wasn't always the case. But we talked more last night by telephone, after he left, and said we've got to figure things out. We're considering being sexual again after not being intimate for four months, even though we've slept over and been camping overnight. I'm not sure why he would want that unless he, on some level, wants me, too. He has never used sex as a weapon and could get it elsewhere. What are your thoughts on this?

 

How did you finally bridge the gap of fear?

Posted

sometimes, kiddo, you've got to just say "screw it" to those fears and uncertainties and just make that leap of faith! DH and I were in a long distance relationship on top of everything else, so there was the learning how deal with seeing each other every six months. But it worked simply because we made a commitment to making it work (okay, so I was the one doing all the chasing, but he responded :p )

 

men rarely let their guard down when it comes to their hearts, so for him to be moving toward you the way he is (even if it does seem to be slowly), take courage from that, because it tells me YOU are what he wants, and he's willing to overlook his fears to meet you halfway. And you ... I think you're already more than half-way there when you share "there's just something inside that tells me to breathe and let it work itself out. I can't explain it. I've never had it before."

 

go with it, and deal with the problems as they occur. And enjoy what you two will build together. Because sometimes I think we make relationships into a big hairy deal when all it is is as simple as breathing in harmony ...

 

as long as he's communicating his desires to you, you two will be all right. :cool:

Posted
Why would I not be ready? Because I opted not to take him into my arms? What would the other alternative have been?

 

No, no, nothing specific like that. It's a feeling your aura projects. If your words are honest, your answers lie within them. It's (my postulations) still a work in progress so dismissing such as "weird" would be entirely appropriate :)

 

Lastly, do note the word I used .... YET ;)

 

Always enjoy Atlanta. Love the MARTA (cause it's cheap!) and downtown. Concerts at the Fox. Down home grub at Mary Mac's... Yum... :)

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