Blew it...

[messedup27]

I feel like total crap right now...

 

My wife and I have not had much of a sexual relationship at all now for several years. She has been pregnant for the last 2 basically, but I still feel like I have been totally neglected in that area. Not that we even had to have sex while she was pregnant, but there was no sexual contact at all. I am sure you catch my drift...

 

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago, I got on a website for married people looking to cheat, with the intention of nothing more than finding someone to exchange emails and text messages with and stuff. An ego boost. I never had any intention of meeting anyone and even said in my profile that I didn't know if I could go any further than that.

 

A few weeks ago, I started exchanging emails with a married woman. The proximity made it more exciting. I told her right from the get go that I didn't think I could ever go farther than this email and text stuff. We talked about our lives a bit and where we were from and all, getting to know each other. We exchanged a little bit of sexual banter, but nothing even close to cybersex or anything.

 

Shortly after this started, I was talking to a really old friend about my marriage and started to see that I might have been part of the problem and why I haven't been getting much of any attention from my wife. I started to try to change how I acted towards her, even while this other thing was going on.

 

This other thing never went very far, but the whole time I felt bad about it. Started having panic attacks and feeling sick all the time. I obvously knew what I was doing was not 100% kosher.

 

Apparently the woman's husband must have figured something out and sent me an email telling me he "know who i was and where I lived and soon would be burned." I emailed back apologizing and thanking him for helping me see what I was doing was wrong, even though nothing at all happened. He just replied that he didn't care what i had to say and would let my wife now what a "piece of sh*t" she was married too.

 

So, I did what I felt was right and told my wife about it. Even though I feel like I did this because I was being neglected at home, I did not tell my wife this. I didn't want to put any of this on her, since it was my fault and my stupid mistake.

 

I don't want to lose her and this has made me see that. We have 2 great kids and I don't want to lose them either. If I have to live the rest of my life without sex, I'll do it for them.

 

Obviously she has lost trust in me. This is the first and only time I have ever one anything like this. As little as it was, I know it was wrong.

 

I am just not sure what to do now. I had been suggesting counseling for us for weeks, which she didn't want to do and had been telling her for years that the lack of sexual relationship was a big deal to me.

 

Thanks for letting me rant, I am sure you will all let me have it now...

[grogster]

My recommendation: get off the Internet and away from your computer. Don't focus your attention on what strangers say on this, or any, web site. You need more family time, and less screen time.

 

Your full attention and energies should be expended on your marriage and family. Move far away from the keyboard.

 

The Net is part of the Problem, not a solution.

[Geishawhelk]

So, I did what I felt was right and told my wife about it. Even though I feel like I did this because I was being neglected at home, I did not tell my wife this. I didn't want to put any of this on her, since it was my fault and my stupid mistake.

 

.....I am just not sure what to do now. I had been suggesting counseling for us for weeks, which she didn't want to do and had been telling her for years that the lack of sexual relationship was a big deal to me.

 

Thanks for letting me rant, I am sure you will all let me have it now...

 

OK.

Sorry, I'm going to stick my neck out and suggest that actually, the reason you told your wife was because you were made to feel sh*t scared by someone else's threats. otherwise you'd have never told her, and continued to keep things from her.

The big problem is not what happened.

The big problem is that you two guys never communicated effectively in the first place.

Breakdowns in a relationship, whatever they seem down to, are because people don't talk. And it's never just one person's "fault" (unless there's some violence going on, and then it's inexcusable..... just to clarify....).

 

So if you've suggested counselling, what's the next move?

 

Remember that after two young children, her physical being and emotions will have been through the wringer anyway, so her emotions may be a bit out of kilter......

[bish]

Apparently the woman's husband must have figured something out and sent me an email telling me he "know who i was and where I lived and soon would be burned." I emailed back apologizing and thanking him for helping me see what I was doing was wrong, even though nothing at all happened. He just replied that he didn't care what i had to say and would let my wife now what a "piece of sh*t" she was married too.

 

So, I did what I felt was right and told my wife about it.

 

Its possible that he didn't have any intentions of telling your wife, but wanted to scare the crap out of you. either just to get you nervous, or to get you to fess up to your wife on your own.

 

Either way, good for him. Hopefully he is doing what he has to do on his end with his so-called wife too.

 

 

Obviously she has lost trust in me. This is the first and only time I have ever one anything like this. As little as it was, I know it was wrong.

 

Well how would you feel if she came to you, or worse yet, you saw a chat log from her to another man, telling another man how much she wanted to suck him off, different positions she wanted him to mount her in...etc??

 

 

 

I am just not sure what to do now. I had been suggesting counseling for us for weeks, which she didn't want to do and had been telling her for years that the lack of sexual relationship was a big deal to me.

 

And her answer was? And now that she knows you are capable of going behind her back if she doesn't act as you wish, what did she say?

 

 

Thanks for letting me rant, I am sure you will all let me have it now...

 

So now what you might have to expect, unless your wife is worth her salt, is for her to start developing feelings for someone else.

 

Now that she knows you are capable of messing around because the married/family life duldrums have set in, she just might get curious as to if she is attractive to other men.

 

Does it feel good to know that might be possible?

[bish]

My recommendation: get off the Internet and away from your computer. Don't focus your attention on what strangers say on this, or any, web site. You need more family time, and less screen time.

 

Your full attention and energies should be expended on your marriage and family. Move far away from the keyboard.

 

The Net is part of the Problem, not a solution.

 

And on an advice note, yes...what grog said is what you need to do. One foot stepped into any kind of chat room/forum from here on out should spell the death of your marriage if your wife was smart.

[messedup27]

I already deleted the accounts I used for this whole thing. Gone, done.

 

 

 

Its possible that he didn't have any intentions of telling your wife, but wanted to scare the crap out of you. either just to get you nervous, or to get you to fess up to your wife on your own.

 

Either way, good for him. Hopefully he is doing what he has to do on his end with his so-called wife too.

 

I thought of that and figured it was just best to be up front and get it out on my own and on my terms.

 

My problem was, until he scared me, is that I looked at it like any other kind of internet porn. I didn't look at it like real life. I realize that it was and was more personal than that, but wasn't thinking about it in those terms.

 

Well how would you feel if she came to you, or worse yet, you saw a chat log from her to another man, telling another man how much she wanted to suck him off, different positions she wanted him to mount her in...etc??

 

Awful, but none of our conversations even got to that level. Not that it makes it any better, but yea, I would feel awful if I saw anything like that.

 

And her answer was? And now that she knows you are capable of going behind her back if she doesn't act as you wish, what did she say?

 

She agreed that we should look into it. Which is a good thing IMO.

 

 

So now what you might have to expect, unless your wife is worth her salt, is for her to start developing feelings for someone else.

 

Now that she knows you are capable of messing around because the married/family life duldrums have set in, she just might get curious as to if she is attractive to other men.

 

Does it feel good to know that might be possible?

 

It does not feel good at all. I might be beating myself up more over this than she is. I feel terrible about it and know that I probably screwed things up. I can only hope she forgives me and can find a way to get past it with me.

[signedin2008]

messedup27, I would like to give you some personal advice to save your marriage. I think if you do it right, your marriage can be restored. Would you consider emailing me at [email protected]?

[messedup27]

I am a little unsure about that. Is there a personal message system on this you can use?

 

 

 

Now, I feel like this OW's husband is sort of after me. He sent some threatening sounding emails that seemed to indicate he was going to tell my wife. I already did that, so it doesn't really matter.

 

Today I got a facebook request from a "Muther F'er" which I am assuming is him. I am pretty easily findable as I have been written up for my business in the papers around here and I can find my work address on the first page of a google search. my home address is easily finable too, but the road is so new it doesn't come up on any GPS or mapping websites.

 

This guy is obviously bent on at least scaring the crap out of me which he has succeeded. I just don't know how to know if it's going to go any farther and what if anything I can do about it.

 

God damn it I am a moron....

[JamesM]

Okay, I am going to give you something else to consider.

 

Is it a possibility that this woman never really intended to meet you? Are you sure she is a woman? Could it be possible that this guy was pretending to be a woman and is now making your life miserable for his own personal agenda?

 

Don't say no too quickly.

 

I have a friend whose husband cheated on her via a dating site. She told me which one it was. So I out of curiosity decided to check it out. I made a profile, but I was a "woman." This way I avoided meeting any women. But I forgot how aggressive men are!!

 

I was amazed at how many hits I received from men in a couple of hours. There was no freakin' picture in my profile! What were these guys thinking?! When I put my state as MI, then men from MI emailed me. When I changed the state to another state, within MINUTES I received emails from men from that state. Out of amusement I did this for a few different states. And it did not make a difference if I put married or single in the profile.

 

I used the name "Jennifer" which for many men conjures up all sorts of pretty women, I now realize.

 

Then I answered an email. Remember I am a guy who said he was a woman. I actually had an email conversation for a couple of days with a married man who wanted something extra because his wife did not understand. Blah, blah, blah.

 

It made me sick to see how this all sounded from the other side. Oh, this guy sent me his picture and where he came from. If I had wanted to do so, I could have then pretended I was the angry husband and really made his life miserable. Instead I just stopped emailing.

 

It was part of an investigation for my friend, but instead it became an eye opener and education for me.

 

My point is that this may all be nothing. While your intentions were not good, the ending to this all will probably be nothing more than email threats.

 

As for your marriage, while you may have confessed too quickly out of guilt and fear, it did show some weaknesses in your marriage. I assume that the two of you will get some sort of counseling or at least have some long honest conversations.

 

On a scale of 1 to 10 for cheating with attending a strip club being a 1, and a long term affair being a 10, IMO this sits at around a 5 at most. Having said that, the potential of what could have been is what should scare you.

 

Many of us men go without sex for a long time (and yes, I have been and am one). How we handle such adversity speaks volumes about our commitment to our marriage.

[messedup27]

I know it was definitely a woman that I was talking to, she had left me a few voicemails during this time.

 

Some part of me thinks this guy is just trying to scare me, as he has not tried to call me or the house or anything. He said he knows where I live, and my phone number is listed so it would be easy to get in touch at the drop of a hat. He obviously knows my cell phone number as well, but still hasn't made any attempt at threatening me that way.

 

I am just frightened because you never know how stupid and crazy people can be. I wish there was something I could to to make him stop, but apologizing and telling him that i told my wife didn't seem to deter him at all. I deleted the email address I was using, so that is gone. He has obviously gone out of his way to track me down more though if he found my facebook profile, so that scares me a little more.

[JamesM]

So change your number and any other connections the woman may have had.

 

Now the question is....do you know that this is a guy?

 

Could it be the woman who is doing the threatening? Or have you talked with the husband?

 

Women who have been cheated upon can sometimes go to extremes to get back at all men who cheat. Read some of the posts on LS from women who have been betrayed.

 

I guess in the long run it doesn't really matter. What matters now is your marriage. I think it now comes down to you being as honest as possible and as trustworthy a possible.

 

Give this time, and treat her response as a woman's response to an affair. If it helps, maybe you could check out some of the threads here about affairs. This will give you an idea of what to expect.

[messedup27]

He gave me his name and I googled it and got his address and it is right in the area this woman said she lived.

 

I don't know for sure it's a guy, he hasn't tried to call to threaten me or anything which I find a little surprising. The email did com from his email address and not hers, but still there is no way for me to know for sure.

 

Do I sit back and wait for something to happen? Can I go to the police and say this guy is harrassing me? Of course, to make matters worse, I deleted the email account I was using immediately and those emails were in there so I can't even get a print out of them anymore.

[Owl]

I guess in the long run it doesn't really matter. What matters now is your marriage. I think it now comes down to you being as honest as possible and as trustworthy a possible.

 

Exactly.

 

It doesn't matter if the person(s) on the other side of the phone/internet connection were male, female, hermaphroditic, or Mickey Mouse.

 

Your focus should be OFF of them...and ON your marriage.

 

Your wife feels cheated on...rightfully so. You were in the beginning stages of an affair.

 

Marriage counseling...ASAP.

[messedup27]

We are going to begin that soon, we are looking into counselors now. I have a lot of hope for us - if anything this is going to make me be more of the husband I should have been all along.

[signedin2008]

I am a little unsure about that. Is there a personal message system on this you can use?

 

 

 

Now, I feel like this OW's husband is sort of after me. He sent some threatening sounding emails that seemed to indicate he was going to tell my wife. I already did that, so it doesn't really matter.

 

Today I got a facebook request from a "Muther F'er" which I am assuming is him. I am pretty easily findable as I have been written up for my business in the papers around here and I can find my work address on the first page of a google search. my home address is easily finable too, but the road is so new it doesn't come up on any GPS or mapping websites.

 

This guy is obviously bent on at least scaring the crap out of me which he has succeeded. I just don't know how to know if it's going to go any farther and what if anything I can do about it.

 

God damn it I am a moron....

 

No, I am not him. What is he going to do with your email? Stab you through email? Based on what you wrote, he knows alot more important information about you than an email including you number, name, etc.

 

I can see that you're remorseful and I thought I might guide you to the right direction. But, it's up to you.

[blueintheface]

signedin2008^^he's trying to regain his wife's trust. even i think telling him to email you is a bit dodgey when really you can post here or privately msg him.

[messedup27]

I am guessing this OW must have spun it to her husband that she was an innocent party in all this. He tried to get to me on Facebook and then left a threatening note on my classmates.com profile.

 

"...and I would like to have his balls in a jar of formaldehyde. no, that would be too kind."

 

Apparently, because it doesn't say "I am going to.." the police don't feel that it constitutes a threat, and they don't think that going overboard to try to get to me and keep contacting me is harassment.

[JamesM]

The most damaging part of terrorism is not the final act, but the threat of that act.

 

This H (if that is who it is) is doing more damage to you by making these comments than if he actually knocked on your door and clobbered you.

 

Again, unite with your wife, and his threats will be meaningless.

[messedup27]

It certainly is doing a lot of damage to me. I am sitting waiting for him to show up at my house or work at any moment. I can't concentrate on anything.

 

My wife is actually really annoyed that he is doing this stuff, because she understands that the OW and I are both as much at fault in all of this.

 

She is mad at me about the situation and feels that the OW's H should be mad at her and deal with her instead of bothering us. She even asked if I thought she should call the OW to tell her H to leave us alone.

[JamesM]

Uh, why don't you call her?

[messedup27]

I figured total NC was the smartest way to go and hope that he would just get bored by it all.

 

You really think that it might be a good idea for my wife to call the OW to tell her to get her husband to lay off?

[2sure]

 

Obviously she has lost trust in me. This is the first and only time I have ever one anything like this. As little as it was, I know it was wrong.

 

Regardless of the reson for your regret , your remorse seems very sincere. I am a former BS and I am going to right now, right here, give you an invaluable piece of advice:

 

NEVER EVER, while apologizing, explaining, or discussing what has happened with your wife, use the above words from your original post.

"As little as it was...."

Are you kidding???? Look at what is happening here. Your wife is devestated and your family is in danger. Your words seem thought out, so if you have said or implied this feeling to your wife - she was probably more crushed at those words than by the contact with OW.

 

Anyway - since you and your wife have decided together to solve this problem (Yeah! for you both! - we did it, so can you) ...you might consider asking your wife if she wants to call the crazy husband.

 

I wouldnt normally advise calling any crazy person, and she may feel its your problem...but it is just possible that if she calls - the other BS he may realize that he and his wife need to move on as well.

[signedin2008]

signedin2008^^he's trying to regain his wife's trust. even i think telling him to email you is a bit dodgey when really you can post here or privately msg him.

 

Too late for that. He and I are emailing each other already.

[messedup27]

He seems to be a really nice guy and actually referred me to another place to get some advice.

[Owl]

I used to be a long time poster on that forum as well as this one. I've seen your thread over there...I would have cautioned you to avoid that forum...it used to be an excellent place...but has been taken over by a clique of people who will run off anyone who isn't part of that clique...

 

BA has had NUMEROUS identities on this and the other forum...far more than I can track. That always creates the concern that this person is a troll...and is something to consider.