Lauriebell82 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 All his friends are getting married and having babies and we've talked about it and he says that it will probably be quite a few years before he wants that, if at all. He's a mature student who is just starting his career and I think he's worried that this relationship will get in the way and mean he can spend less time doing that. Okay, he says he doesn't want to get married and have babies for quite a few years. Are you okay with that? Have you given him the impression that it is something that YOU are in a hurry to do? Maybe he is feeling a little scared.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 he said he thought it was unlikely we'd still be together in 2 years time This is a major relationship bomb. I can't see myself remaining invested at all with someone who said that. He's saying he does not see a future with you. Why bother sticking together in the meantime?
Author lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I have made it clear that marriage is something I would like eventually, but not necessarily soon. And we have talked about children and I do want them too. I'm not saying I'm not to blame in this situation! It's always been a very easygoing conversation though (as far as I knew) and there has never been a suggestion of doing those things anytime soon. I don't think it's unreasonable to talk about these things after 2 years though! but I understand why he might possibly be scared.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I have made it clear that marriage is something I would like eventually, but not necessarily soon. And we have talked about children and I do want them too. I'm not saying I'm not to blame in this situation! It's always been a very easygoing conversation though (as far as I knew) and there has never been a suggestion of doing those things anytime soon. I don't think it's unreasonable to talk about these things after 2 years though! but I understand why he might possibly be scared. I think he is scared. He suddenly realized he is in this serious relationship and it's headed towards committing to someone FOREVER. I know that's a scary thought for a lot of people (even females). It isn't fair what he is doing however, and I think you need to stand your ground. If he wants his space then he needs to move out. He can't have it both ways.
Angel1111 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 declined the suggestion to move out. That's why it's confusing. It doesn't matter if he declined or not. Don't give him the option, just tell him to move out. What he said to you is a dealbreaker and no man who loves a woman would even dream of saying this. Don't be like most women who stick around in these situations hoping for something to change. If that's how he's feeling after two years of dating, then guess how he'll feel about 10 yrs of marriage. He may be a great guy but this is not the relationship for either one of you.
Angel1111 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 yeah, he said he wanted to try and make a go of it. But still wasn't sure if it was going to work out. aargh! I really will be heartbroken if he leaves. I don't know if I can do the suggestions to encourage him to leave! The actual translation of that is that he'll wait to move out when he a) finds a new place that he wants to live in, b) when he meets a new girl, or c) both. You're putting yourself in a position to get so badly burned you're going to truly regret it. But since you just can't imagine living without him and since you're ok being with a guy who doesn't feel much for you, I hope you're taking notes for future reference. I can see the smoke already....
almost famous Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Is he paying you any rent? if not, that may be why he doesn't want to move out. Kick him out on his ass.
Author lemon Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 ok, well he's moving out tomorrow, back in with his parents. I'm going to have to find a lodger, which will be strange. We're spending the day together today, going to the cinema, and we're just going to see how it goes. He said that if we can take some of the pressure off this relationship and cherish the time we have together more then it could go long term and that's what he wants. Perhaps I shouldn't believe him, but I want to!
Lauriebell82 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 ok, well he's moving out tomorrow, back in with his parents. I'm going to have to find a lodger, which will be strange. We're spending the day together today, going to the cinema, and we're just going to see how it goes. He said that if we can take some of the pressure off this relationship and cherish the time we have together more then it could go long term and that's what he wants. Perhaps I shouldn't believe him, but I want to! I don't think living together neccessarily puts "pressure" on a relationship. He is probably feeling smothered in the relationship. There are guys like that who just can't stand being around their gf all the time, they need their space. If this is something that bothers you, than it may very well become a continous problem. Congratulations on taking stance and doing what you have to do. Keep dating him if you must, however please keep your options open as he may still say he is feeling "pressured" even if you aren't living together. This may be an excuse that he will give to get some space from you and the relationship.
Author lemon Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 I suspect he'll spend a lot more time here than at his parents. Oh well, we'll see. We've got a weekend break planned with his parents coming up in December which has been already booked and paid for (by them!) and he goes back to uni next week and has lots of stuff (football etc) on so I think the fact he's been on holiday from uni has meant he has nothing to do. I hope that once he starts uni again it'll settle down and this is just a blip. If not, then I'll deal with that when it comes and you can all say I told you so! Thanks for all your responses, much appreciated!
djhall Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 He said that if we can take some of the pressure off this relationship and cherish the time we have together more then it could go long term and that's what he wants. I don't think I understand how this works absent some other issue. If he moves back later, isn't that going to put "pressure" on the relationship again and put you right back where you are now? Does he want a long-term relationship without any co-habitation or pressure ever? Otherwise, it seems there has to be some other aspect of this relationship which changes so that moving forward again doesn't feel like "pressure."
SarahRose Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I think it might be best to take a step back from the relationship. See him but keep it very casual to where he is taking you on proper dates again and no sex. It would be very easy for him to take advantage here expecting the relationship to be exactly the same knowing he really isn't into it 100%.
2sunny Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 tell him in light of his attitude with your relationship that you'll continue to see him as long as you have the option to see other men if you have an interest in them. that is only fair to you since he is being so wishy washy.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 tell him in light of his attitude with your relationship that you'll continue to see him as long as you have the option to see other men if you have an interest in them. that is only fair to you since he is being so wishy washy. Yeah, I think thats a good idea. Did he mention he wanted to see other people? Honestly, I don't think his issue is going to get resolved by him moving out. You two will go through this exact same thing, if the time comes for him to actually be READY to make a committment. But unfortunately, I dont see that happening. *Hugs*
Author lemon Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 I'm still confused. We eventually agreed that he would try and find a place in London, to minimise the commute, and that for the time being he would live with his parents. I went to work yesterday and expected him to move his things out, but when I got back all he'd gone to his parents but his stuff was still at my house! I'm staying away with friends tonight and tomorrow, so won't be at home at all, and won't see him for 2 days when we're going to a party together. Last night he was out with friends and called me to say goodnight and told me that he loves me. I guess the best thing to do would be to just leave him be until we see each other on Saturday. Perhaps he does need thinking space. I do love him and am starting to get the feeling that he's feeling a bit foolish about what has happened and is backtracking a bit, but I don't want to push him too far at the moment.
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 If I were you, I'd be feeling highly irritated by now! He's 'pussyfooting' around. What it seems to boil down to is that he's not in the slightest bit sure about WHAT he wants exactly, but that he's still counting on your good nature to put up with him and permit him his little indecisive foibles. He's acting like a 9-year old kid. Ringing you up and telling you he loves you? After everything that's happened? What he's saying is "I want my feedom, but on my terms not yours. You're scaring me now, so I'm going to throw in a purler to confuse you." Well, he's done that all right. I'm sorry, but you need to be firm. If he loves you, tell him to shut the foo up with all this nonsense, and commit. Otherwise, he's got some serious thinking to do. And when is he going to get all his stuff out by, incidentally? If it's any consolation, my partner and I had a 'discussion' last night. He has two tactics in situations like this. He either tries to turn it into a joke and make me laugh by cracking funnies, or he becomes irritated and dismissive, telling me I'm just being angry 'for the sake of it'. Well, I stood my ground, told him to stop peeing me off by turning it all into a joke and that if he didn't want to listen to me and talk about things properly, then he would just have to put up with my being in a mood, because I was still mad, even if he didn't like it. He shut up then. Because as it happened, he agreed I had a point. But I had to back him against a wall before he'd discuss it. I literally had to give him nowhere to go. Now if that sounds bitchy and insensitive, I'm sorry. But let me honestly say that for the greater part, it swings the other way. And I'd finally had enough of it.
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