lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Hi everyone My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He's 30, I'm 27. As far as I was concerned, everything was going great, but yesterday out of the blue he said he wasn't sure we were right for each other and didn't think the relationship could last long term. He wants to go out more and meet more people, and says that he doesn't feel free being in this relationship. He agrees that we were both happy together even a week ago, but that he thinks we will eventually break up. He thinks that I want to spend too much time together (we live together) and he doesn't think he can give me that. I probably have wanted to spend a lot of time together, but I never got the impression that he was unhappy with that before now so I didn't think it was a problem. We agreed to work on it, with me giving him space, but because he said he thought it was unlikely we'd still be together in 2 years time I said I would feel constantly anxious because I'd feel like I was on trial. He agreed and said it's perhaps got to a point where we can't save it anymore, because I'd be anxious he'd end it and he'd be anxious because I'd be anxious. Is there any way this can be saved? I really do love him and don't know why he's suddenly had a change of heart. He says he does love me, but it's difficult to believe right now. Should I suggest some time apart or just give him space when he wants it? Or is there no hope of this working out?
Treasa Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Do you feel as though you rely on him and his time too much? Do you have hobbies outside of him? I'd honestly recommend that you move out if you can, and give him all the time and space in the world. Be cool, don't be anxious (or try not to show it), and don't talk about the relationship. If you can't really move out, be as unavailable as you can. Go find other hobbies, hang out with other people, and come back as late as possible. Maybe crash at someone else's place for a while. Give him some space so he can decide what he wants. Make him realize what things will be like if you aren't there anymore. You may also want to examine why you'd want to be with someone who wants to meet other people and isn't sure if he's still going to want to be with you in two years.
Geishawhelk Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I think you'll find he's trying to break up with you gently. Look, it happens. people fall 'in' love and unfortunately sometimes, they fall right 'out' again. Time has nothing to do with it. It could have been 6 months ago.... It may not be anything you've said or done, or haven't said and haven't done. It could be him. In fact, it may not even be surprising that he might have met someone else and become smitten to the point that they feel sure 'that' is right, but 'this' isn't. I personally would be frank with him and ask him directly: Is this over between us? If he says yes, ask him to at least be honest, and tell you whether there's someone else. (It's odd that someone should have such a swift change of heart.....) If there is - crappy as it might be, try to let it go. As I've said - it happens. Be glad there's no legal commitment, children or ties...... walk away with dignity and let him get on with it. You get on with living too..... If any of the above is useful, take it. If not, feel free to ignore it. It's only 2-cents' worth anyway.
Author lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 yes I do have hobbies outside of him, but he doesn't really. I think maybe he's realised that. Also, he's started a course, so maybe he's reevaluating his life. No, there's no-one else and that's for sure. It's my house, I own it, and he lives with me so it would be him moving out. I might suggest that he moves back in with his parents for a while. When I say "meet other people", he wants to meet more groups of friends, drinking buddies, not other girls, but he wants me not to be there. I think I'll encourage him to do this, would that be a good idea? Geishawhelk, thank you for your reply. You make a lot of good points. But I don't think I'm willing to give up on the relationship yet, so I'm going to try the space thing. I'll be devastated if it doesn't work out, but I need to know that I'm giving it a shot. But any other input would be appreciated, if you think I'm being stupid for instance. I need other perspectives at the moment!
Legend Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 chances are there's a new sex interest in his life. If that's not the case and he just wants guy time, let him have it or you'll definitely lose him.
Shygirl15 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Yes, give him space. Let him move out and "meet other people", be it friends or other women. Perhaps that's what he needs to realize what he has with you is special. And in the meantime, I would advise you to do the same.
Treasa Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Yes, give him space. Let him move out and "meet other people", be it friends or other women. Perhaps that's what he needs to realize what he has with you is special. And in the meantime, I would advise you to do the same. I totally agree with this. I didn't realize you owned the house you both live in. Ask him to please move out, and tell him that he's free to go out and pursue whatever he wants to, as you'll be doing the same. Don't get into specifics. Say it exactly like that. Be cordial, cool, but firm. If he realizes he misses you, I ASSURE you that he will let you know. And this will make much more of a point than anything else you can possibly say. Men don't respond to clinging, pleading, or anything like that. They respond to strength and actions and silence.
Geishawhelk Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Geishawhelk, thank you for your reply. You make a lot of good points. But I don't think I'm willing to give up on the relationship yet, so I'm going to try the space thing. I'll be devastated if it doesn't work out, but I need to know that I'm giving it a shot. But any other input would be appreciated, if you think I'm being stupid for instance. I need other perspectives at the moment! I don't think you're being in the slightest bit stupid. You're confused, and you've made an emotional investment, so you're bound to be feeling a bit 'spun-dried' at the moment! Things like this have a habit of knocking us for six, and maybe a bit of breathing space is what you could both do with. But one thing I would say. Even if your mind seems made up that you are committed to him, it's important to give him boundaries, and tell him that you have limits.... He can't keep dangling you around for ever, so whilst you're "happy" (if that's not an absurd term!) to give him breathing space, you're not prepared to let him dangle you around like some rear-view mirror dolly..... He'll have to make his mind up sooner or later. And you'd be grateful if it was sooner rather than later.
Author lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I asked him to move out! I even offered to help him look for flats nearer to his course (there's a bit of a commute for him) but he declined. It's really confusing, I don't know what he wants.
Geishawhelk Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Yup. There you go. Hence my advice........ Hang in there, honey.
Author lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 hang in and try to make the relationship work by giving him space?
Lauriebell82 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I agree with the notion that he is not into you anymore, and is just trying to let you down gently. He is probably too chicken to just come out and say it. I'm not trying to be mean or harsh, I'd be CRUSHED if my bf started saying things like that. Saying "I don't think we will be together in 2 years, means "I don't want us to be together in 2 years." Man, I know how much that sucks to hear. But false hope for this relationship is seriously going to make you miserable. I think the best course of action would be to suggest that he moves back in with his parents for a period of time. Suggest that you slow things down and possibly meet other people. It would hurt me A LOT if I knew my bf was out "meeting new people." It is your decision whether you want to prolong the inevitable. I don't think him moving out is going to change his mind. As hard as it may be, this relationship may just end once he starts "getting space" (which basically means he wants to meet new girls). I'm really sorry you are going through this, I am here for ya if you need me. *Hugs*
Lauriebell82 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 hang in and try to make the relationship work by giving him space? Like I said, you could. He isn't saying you should break up, most likely he doesnt have the balls. So it might help to just indulge him for awhile. But I don't think he will change his mind. This "break" is going to probably hurt your relationship more than it will help. He will get what he needs, but you won't.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I asked him to move out! I even offered to help him look for flats nearer to his course (there's a bit of a commute for him) but he declined. It's really confusing, I don't know what he wants. Sorry, I didn't catch that part. Did he deline your suggestion to move out, or for you to help him find another place?
Author lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 declined the suggestion to move out. That's why it's confusing.
Treasa Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Um, tell him that it's no longer his choice. That if he doesn't see himself being with you in two years, that you don't see why he should live with you now. Tell him you want some freedom and space. Nicely tell him he has two months (which is more than enough time) to get another apartment, and that if he changes his mind and does indeed see himself with you in two years, to let you know. And stick with it. Trust me, if he wants you badly enough (which is the only scenario in which you want to be with him), he'll let you know.
Geishawhelk Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Yup. I'm with Treasa on that one. He sounds as if he wants his cake and eat it. If he's so intent on getting out with new friends and meeting new people, then equally, something else has to give. he has to understand that to every 'action' there is a consequence. he csannot in all honesty, expect you to put up with his uncertainties and be prepared to just sit back and let him have a free rein, but then also have the comffort and securit of YOUR home, with you at his virtual beck and call. Uh-huh, no way. Sorry. I'm behind you all the way on this one.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Um, tell him that it's no longer his choice. That if he doesn't see himself being with you in two years, that you don't see why he should live with you now. Tell him you want some freedom and space. Nicely tell him he has two months (which is more than enough time) to get another apartment, and that if he changes his mind and does indeed see himself with you in two years, to let you know. And stick with it. Trust me, if he wants you badly enough (which is the only scenario in which you want to be with him), he'll let you know. Yes, I completely agree with this. Lemon, did you ask him WHY he declined to move out?
Author lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 yeah, he said he wanted to try and make a go of it. But still wasn't sure if it was going to work out. aargh! I really will be heartbroken if he leaves. I don't know if I can do the suggestions to encourage him to leave!
Treasa Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Then you have to make peace with yourself knowing that he's out meeting other people, using you, and is losing respect for you. Very calmly ask him if he sees himself with you in two years. If he tells you no, or he isn't sure, then ask him to move out. If you do anything else, all you're doing is showing him that you're willing to settle for crumbs, and don't have a lot of self-respect. And no man wants a woman like that. Or rather, no man is going to fall head over heels in love with a woman like that. Show him that you're a strong, confidence woman. Make him worry a bit. Go out on your own and meet new people. If you really want to keep him, that's your best bet. Anything else will eventually drive him away.
Author lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I've spoken to him on the phone and he says he wants to make a go of it. He's coming over in a few hours to talk about things. If he still feels the same way, should I believe him? He says he does love me but is feeling scared about the seriousness of the relationship.
Geishawhelk Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Aaaaah! Mr "I want to have a good time but I don't want to commit"!! GOTCHA!! The minute you start calling his bluff, sudddenly he gets all worried.... he needs to sort his head out.
Treasa Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 When he comes over, be very calm, non-threatening, and friendly. Just tell him you understand, and suggest that he move out to help relieve the "seriousness" of things. If he wants to stay, tell him it's ok (as long as he's paying his share of everything), but that you're going to be spending more time outside the house doing things, and that he's free to do so as well. And then STICK WITH IT! Become a lot less available.
Star Gazer Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Have you discussed WHY he doesn't think you'll be together in 2 years? What makes him think you're incompatible?
Author lemon Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 All his friends are getting married and having babies and we've talked about it and he says that it will probably be quite a few years before he wants that, if at all. He's a mature student who is just starting his career and I think he's worried that this relationship will get in the way and mean he can spend less time doing that.
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