Lucky_One Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I'm young; 22. I'm starting a hobby but don't think I'll meet anyone there. I'm not sure if theres any web sites that cater to 22-28 year olds other than CL. I also hate those cheezy marriage oriented sites; I'm sure not ready for that! Oh my god. You are a BABY. You haven't even started dating as an adult. You are barely out of teenaged angst and zits. Lord have mercy,.....
ianandris Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Okay, I feel like we're getting a little closer to the root of my problem. I think it's insecurity combined with the fact that all the guys I've been on dates with have seemed to have a lot of baggage whereas I have absolutely NONE. I mean, where am I going to meet a guy who's never had a serious relationship or maybe had only one? That seems impossible, but maybe necessary if I'm to be happy. The insecurity is b/c I feel like I'm physically quite attractive to men but not "girlfriend material" because I have no positive relationship experience to make me feel validated. I know I'm suppose to self-validate but that's not reality. It's also true that I'm not exactly the most approachable person on earth. I'm not intimidating, just a bit reticent at first. The other thing is that I have a knack for meeting guys that are only mildly interested in me and send out mixed signals which really damages my self esteem more than outright rejection. I'm telling you, going on two dates and then not being called back is so much worse than never being asked out at all. (I don't get asked out much, but when I do it usually ends badly because the guy doesn't have this driving impulse to begin a relationship. Or there isn't chemistry. Or he has baggage. etc etc etc) It's not that I don't feel worthy of a relationship; I just feel weighed down by this burden of not being particularly attractive to men. And by attractive I don't mean sexually because I'm thin and have big boobs bla bla. I want to feel like even if I were not so much to look at or didn't age well I would be loved on the strength of my personality and passion and willingness to work on a relationship. I feel so dead and empty sometimes because I fear if I show my true self, my lively self, I'll be hurt, turned down, etc. I feel like it's always the guy that has the power because he cares less. I feel like that's never ever ever EVER gonna change. I don't want to break hearts, I just want an equal share. I'm tired of feeling like the guy has the choice by default. If you guys read my first post on this site, "Just don't know what's going on," it tells a bit more about my history of singledom. I would appreciate some searingly honest feedback on why I might be single all the time. You sound like a female version of me. Except, I'm slowly coming out of it. The no relationship experience validating you bit is no joke. If there ever was a real self-esteem killer, it's that. It doesn't matter how many people tell you, "no, no,no! you're awesome! best thing since sliced bread! blah blah blah!" it won't make a difference because when you look at the evidence, when you look at your life, all you see is a big void and there has to be some justification for its existence and the only thing that makes sense is "they don't want me." It sucks. But, believe it or not, it really is bs. Fact: boys want you. Second fact: boys don't want your baggage. Poor self-esteem is some of the worst baggage you can carry around. You need to learn to carry that baggage alone. Third fact: whoever cares least has the most control in a relationship, be it guy or girl. I'm nearly always on the defensive. Though, lately, I'm starting to care less and less. Only word of advice I can offer is this: learn to be happy with your life as a single woman and be patient. Just when you decide you don't care if you ever have a boyfriend, ever get married, whatever, you'll have suitors banging down your door trying to get in your pants and it will be nauseating. Most infuriating piece of advice, ever, but its the truth. And, for the record, I didn't have my first serious girlfriend until earlier this year. Almost got married to her, too. Stupid. Be careful of that. The first one probably isn't going to be the right one.
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Oh my god. You are a BABY. You haven't even started dating as an adult. You are barely out of teenaged angst and zits. Lord have mercy,..... What exactly are you saying? That I'm too young to date? FYI I have gone on dates mostly with guys aged around 25.
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Ok, there is one problem. There is no such thing as an aimless date. Dates should always be fun. You are meeting someone new, someone who has a totally different brain than anyone else in the world, someone with new thoughts and new ideas and new opinions. You get a new experience, and that shapes you for your very own future. Yeah, but I have a hard time feeling that dates are fun b/c I haven't learned to deal with lack of chemistry or rejection. To me, those situations are just depressing, sad and leave me feeling helpless and like no one cares. I don't mean to sound like a drama queen, but that's just the way I feel.
Lucky_One Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I don't care if you've dated Strom Thurmond. Point is, you are young young young young young. You have got years and years ahead of you for dating. You are bemoaning your lack of dating as though you are 55 and post-menopausal. Get out. Get active. Get in a singles group. Go to reading groups. Join an amateur theatre. Get involved in a political volunteer group. And quit feeling sad and empty and dead and cold. Find something you are passionate about so that your passion comes through in your personality.
djhall Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I don't care if you've dated Strom Thurmond. Sorry, but if you're 22 and dated Strom Thurmond that's just wrong! That would be like me dating Ruth Bader Ginsburg! Or anyone dating Gilbert Godfrey!
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 The no relationship experience validating you bit is no joke. If there ever was a real self-esteem killer, it's that. It doesn't matter how many people tell you, "no, no,no! you're awesome! best thing since sliced bread! blah blah blah!" it won't make a difference because when you look at the evidence, when you look at your life, all you see is a big void and there has to be some justification for its existence and the only thing that makes sense is "they don't want me." YES. You understand. Fact: boys want you. Second fact: boys don't want your baggage. Poor self-esteem is some of the worst baggage you can carry around. You need to learn to carry that baggage alone. I'm not sure if guys really see that I have a lowish self esteem though. There are days when I feel downright confident. Third fact: whoever cares least has the most control in a relationship, be it guy or girl. I'm nearly always on the defensive. Though, lately, I'm starting to care less and less. But is caring less really gonna make anyone happier ultimately? Only word of advice I can offer is this: learn to be happy with your life as a single woman and be patient. Just when you decide you don't care if you ever have a boyfriend, ever get married, whatever, you'll have suitors banging down your door trying to get in your pants and it will be nauseating. I seriously doubt this. Seriously. Be careful of that. The first one probably isn't going to be the right one. Advice heeded.
ianandris Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Yeah, but I have a hard time feeling that dates are fun b/c I haven't learned to deal with lack of chemistry or rejection. To me, those situations are just depressing, sad and leave me feeling helpless and like no one cares. I don't mean to sound like a drama queen, but that's just the way I feel. Chemistry comes and goes, Isolde. It can be developed. Ever run into someone you didn't know particularly well from high school? All of the sudden it's like you're best friends. Sometimes, you just have to be patient for chemistry to develop. The rejection part, well, that's a little harder, but the fact is in most cases, people aren't rejecting you, they're rejecting their perception of you. If they're so effed up that they have a jacked perception of who you are without making the effort to really get to know you, you don't want them around anyhow. Also, it's not that people don't care, it's that they're self interested. Everyone is looking for someone to augment their lives. If you don't fit the bill, they'll kick you to the curb in a heart beat. You do exactly the same thing.
torranceshipman Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Hey Isolde, I am really happy in my own company, so I'm very happy single until I find the right person...if I go on a nice date but am not crazy about the guy, then I walk away...whats the point of compromising? Sure, it'd be amazing to walk away thinking 'wow that guy is the love of my life!' I've felt that way before about someone and believe me...its worth waiting for! Thats why I end a R when it doesnt feel quite right as I know how it should feel. I think society has got it all wrong when it asks us 'why are we still single'!-as if we're doing something wrong! That makes no sense and is quite foolish, I think. A relationship is a beautiful thing but only if its with the right person-until then, stay single and hang out with your own awesome company! Believe me, when you're married with kids and lots of responsibility and havent had time to yourself in FOREVER, you'll really appreciate the time you got to just be you. I think that is hugely underrated, actually. Hang in there and dont compromise is all I can say...one day you will met that great guy, but make sure you put yourself out there so you have the best chance of meeting lots of cool people.
ianandris Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I'm not sure if guys really see that I have a lowish self esteem though. There are days when I feel downright confident. Trust me, they can tell. Again, I'm the same way. There are days when the issue doesn't faze me at all. In fact, most people can't pin me with lowish self-esteem (I hesitate to say that I actually have low self esteem because, frankly, I like myself quite a bit.) at all. But if you've ever placed a bowl of candy in front of a child, telling the child not to touch it, you get the sense of what I'm talking about. He may sit there politely with his hands in his lap, waiting for the go ahead, but one look at his eyes and you can tell he's freaking dying. But is caring less really gonna make anyone happier ultimately? Yes. It's not that you shouldn't care at all, it's that right now, you're caring disproportionately. You need to care less. I seriously doubt this. Seriously. Have a little bit of swagger. You may not believe it, but as long as everyone else thinks you do, you're winning.
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Torranceshipman What you're saying has been brought up on this forum alot. There is nothing bad about being single but when it's all you know its very emotionally draining and boring just as when you are always in a relationship it is very boring and stifling. Two sides, same coin. It is all very well to have time to myself but if i have never ever felt that 'love of my life' sort of feeling it is not easy to feel like being single is the most fortunate place for me right now. I think ianandris has some good points about this. It really annoys me when people who have had several relationships tell me that I'm better off being single.
torranceshipman Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 True...I guess if youve never had that huge in love, passionate feeling, it must suck. I get what youre saying but stay positive because it will happen!
ianandris Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right?
Lizzie60 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right? Says who? if you have never loved.. how do you know what you're missing.. that statement doesn't make sense to me..
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 If you have a vivid imagination, read lots of novels, and see people around you in love, you have a pretty darn good idea of what you're missing! Mind you, I'm not "looking for love," I'm just looking to date more, meet more people who might be compatible with me and not end things after 2 dates.
ianandris Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Says who? Shakespeare. But, you make a good point. Ignorance is bliss, right? Thing is, one, no one can be really ignorant of love and two, I don't think he was saying that someone who has loved and lost is guaranteed to be happier than someone who has never loved. He said "It is better". We're left to speculate on what he means by that, but I'd assume it has more to do with wisdom than with bliss (hard to feel blissful about having lost love).
Author Isolde Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Chemistry comes and goes, Isolde. It can be developed. People seem pretty divided on this. My best friend swears that she developed chemistry with her BF where before they dated they were just casual friends and he wasn't particularly interested in her. Other people say that it's either there to begin with or it's not--as if people were set in stone and incapable of changing. Myself, I'm not sure which is right.
spookie Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I think a lot of guys assume intelligent, sexy women are already taken. And there's also the intimidation theory. 100%. I live in a sausage-fest world and I have to pursue 100% of the guys I go out with. No one even APPROACHES me, but all the guys I end up with tell me I was really intimidating. And seemed unavailable.
ianandris Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 People seem pretty divided on this. My best friend swears that she developed chemistry with her BF where before they dated they were just casual friends and he wasn't particularly interested in her. Other people say that it's either there to begin with or it's not--as if people were set in stone and incapable of changing. Myself, I'm not sure which is right. Chemistry is that little click. It's understanding someone, and knowing that you're understood, being on the same page, etc. With some people, you innately, just "get" them. You get their mannerisms, their dispositions, everything and it's easy. But you can learn another person. You can make any relationship work if you're willing to work at it. It's easier with some people than it is with others, but, frankly, I think holding out for someone with the right "chemistry" is a waste of time and a little short sighted. Plus, how much more valuable is a relationship that you've put effort into developing than one that just plopped out of nowhere? Its no secret that people place value on things they've spent time and effort on.
Author Isolde Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Chemistry is that little click. It's understanding someone, and knowing that you're understood, being on the same page, etc. With some people, you innately, just "get" them. You get their mannerisms, their dispositions, everything and it's easy. But you can learn another person. You can make any relationship work if you're willing to work at it. It's easier with some people than it is with others, but, frankly, I think holding out for someone with the right "chemistry" is a waste of time and a little short sighted. Plus, how much more valuable is a relationship that you've put effort into developing than one that just plopped out of nowhere? Its no secret that people place value on things they've spent time and effort on. I couldn't agree more. I remember going on a date with a guy that was really awkward. Somehow, we ended up going on a second date... and I already felt we got along better. We didn't "click" yet, but there was momentum, and I would never have realized it if we hadn't met again. We didn't pursue it for what I *think* are other reasons. Still trying to figure this one out (I was leaving town, probably that's why).
monkey00 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 What age group are you referring to? I know attractive girls who are single by choice. Because they don't want to be in a relationship. And those girls happen to be in their early-mid 20's. And I know of single attractive/average women who want relationships. ranging from having esteem issues, to being a nice girl, to being boring, to being b!tches. I don't really think you can easily narrow down why someone is still single...there are too many reasons to name.
sweetbutcheeky Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 (I'm not really talking about myself, though I guess I would be considered attractive by many (certainly not all) guys). I've noticed that there are a surprising number of really nice, "successful" but not power hungry, pretty girls who face constant rejection from guys they like. What I've noticed these girls have in common is that they're all kind, considerate of others, and attractive without having to be "hot" and "sexy" and the center of attention. I can name 2 off the top of my head who fit these criteria: an old school friend of mine and a college friend of my sister's. As well as of course many girls on this board. All serially single but not crazy prudes. In fact many of them love sexual relationships. They just don't want to date the first guy that likes them. Judging by what guys say they want, these girls should be popular with men. But they're not. Is it possible that the "nice guy" syndrome applies to women also? That could explain a lot. I got the "why is an attractive woman like you single?" question the other day. Though he did ask me out, but I declined because he was much older than me. Also found out later he has also asked out my Mum and her friend/neighbor! (He walks his dog in the same park around the corner) Come to think of it, that guy was obviously older and wonder how old he thought I was? I'm 30 but someone last weekend asked me what grade I was in! LOL
Legend Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Says who? if you have never loved.. how do you know what you're missing.. that statement doesn't make sense to me.. amen, true that.
djhall Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Originally Posted by Lizzie60 Says who? if you have never loved.. how do you know what you're missing.. that statement doesn't make sense to me.. Yeah, the other one that gets me is, "Its always in the last place you look." Gee, really? Of course it is in the last place you look, because what moron would keep looking for something he'd already found!
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