2sunny Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 attractive and serially single? um, because we can be... :lmao: i'm a gal that was married - and faithful for 20 years. no need to have demands made on me and someone calling the shots every minute of my day. been there done that. now i do what i want - when i want- how i want. it's fun, better and i'm happy. so serially single does not mean alone. even alone does not mean lonely...
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I agree with you 2sunny but the women that the OP mentions, are the women who are constantly being rejected by men they like.
CaliGuy Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Judging by what guys say they want, these girls should be popular with men. But they're not. Is it possible that the "nice guy" syndrome applies to women also? Maybe. I think a lot of it has to do with the simple theory that the more confident and self-assured you are, the more likely you are to heed red flags. In other words, if they are successful, intellectual and confident women they will be looking for a guy that is on their level -- or maybe even higher. That doesn't mean he has to be successful by monetary means. It means that he has to bring something to the table of value. I can not begin to tell you how many disappointing dates I have been on simply because the women did not bring anything to the table other than baggage. And by that, I don't mean kids. I just mean mental or relationship baggage that makes them a lot less attractive. I bring a lot to the table, I would expect my S/O to do the same. Men are the same way, especially the boy-men in today's society. The metro-sexual wussies that do not spark attraction in women. It's a total turn off. Whiny, clingy, cry-babies are not attractive. Strong, quiet, confident, happy men are VERY attractive to women. They don't even have to be successful. It helps to love what you do and be good at it, even if it pays minimum wage. As long as you are living within your means and happy with life, that says a lot about your character.
StartingOver07 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I agree with you 2sunny but the women that the OP mentions, are the women who are constantly being rejected by men they like. Hmmm... I am only aware of one or two posters who fit that bill here and my perception is that these women are extremely high maintenance (emotionally) and also very insecure (the latter leading to the former?). But is that what the OP was referring to? I thught the question had to do with women who don't have success in getting a relationship started, rather than getting started and later being rejected.
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Hmmm... I am only aware of one or two posters who fit that bill here and my perception is that these women are extremely high maintenance (emotionally) and also very insecure (the latter leading to the former?). But is that what the OP was referring to? I thught the question had to do with women who don't have success in getting a relationship started, rather than getting started and later being rejected. I've noticed that there are a surprising number of really nice, "successful" but not power hungry, pretty girls who face constant rejection from guys they like. Here's what I'm basing my comments on. What are you basing your comments on?
StartingOver07 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 They just don't want to date the first guy that likes them. I zoned in on this for some reason, TBF. But you are right. And in that case, I stand by my first post. (Not referring you in any way, although I think you know that.)
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I zoned in on this for some reason, TBF. But you are right. And in that case, I stand by my first post. (Not referring you in any way, although I think you know that.) No worries. I didn't take it personally, especially since I'm normally the rejector v. rejectee.
ianandris Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I can offer a couple of opinions on this myself. I have been friends with a number of very attractive women, and have listened to them complain about this very issue. "Why to all the plain girls get all the guys? Why doesn't anyone ask *me* out?" In response, I would offer to take them to a movie and dinner, and they would always laugh, and remind me that I was a "nice guy", and how much they valued our *Special Friendship*... The problem was that a lot of these girls really liked me, and enjoyed spending time with me, but I was just too much of a Dork for them to seriously consider me for an actual date, and nothing mentally castrates a guy like the "Special Friend" BS. Answer #1 - Attractive people don't want to be seen with anyone they don't think is at least as attractive as they are. Their friends keep telling them "You can do better than that!", and they let themselves believe it. The better looking a person is, the higher they have to aim, and the more difficult it is to find someone *suitable* among the dozens who would be flattered to have just one chance with them. Answer #2 - For that same reason, "Nice Guys" won't bother asking out anyone who appears too attractive. Their resources are too limited to waste on someone who is obviously out of their league, and especially so if it only adds their name to another "Special Friend" dance card. So, they go for the ones they think they might actually have a chance with - the "plain" ones. Like the song goes: And, it's a shame. The only really attractive girls I dated were the ones that mutual friends assured me had a genuine interest in me, otherwise I'd have never asked them out to begin with. #2 is dead on accurate. You have a very select crowd of guys that honestly doesn't give a rats ass about spending time with a woman based purely on the way she looks, don't mind rolling the dice a bit, but the rest of them won't make moves unless interest is well established. One observation I've had is that there's a BIG, HUGE difference between being "nice" and being approachable. I'll use myself for an example. I'm a way nice person. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and I have a genuine concern for others. I'm a bit altruistic, am eager to help out (unless you're moving, that is. ) But, I am, at first glance, pretty rough. The picture doesn't really do me justice. I'm a bigger guy, almost 200 pounds, about six feet tall, athletic build, and I've got a shaved head. I have a good time, but I don't usually walk around with a smile on my face. I tend to be pretty formal when I first meet people, and I'm cognizant of what I put on my body, concerned with the way I look, etc. If you're alone in a crowd, looking for someone nice to attach yourself to, I would not be your first pick. No question about it. BUT, if you were to attach yourself anyhow, you'd discover I'm quite a catch. It works for women the same way. Here's the kicker, in EVERY case where "nice", attractive women or men aren't getting dates, the responsibility lies with the individual not getting dates. If you're "nice", be more assertive (especially for guys since women are drawn to confidence) and/or approachable (guys are more than willing to ask if they don't think they're going to get shot down), and you'll start getting dates.
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Okay, I feel like we're getting a little closer to the root of my problem. I think it's insecurity combined with the fact that all the guys I've been on dates with have seemed to have a lot of baggage whereas I have absolutely NONE. I mean, where am I going to meet a guy who's never had a serious relationship or maybe had only one? That seems impossible, but maybe necessary if I'm to be happy. The insecurity is b/c I feel like I'm physically quite attractive to men but not "girlfriend material" because I have no positive relationship experience to make me feel validated. I know I'm suppose to self-validate but that's not reality. It's also true that I'm not exactly the most approachable person on earth. I'm not intimidating, just a bit reticent at first. The other thing is that I have a knack for meeting guys that are only mildly interested in me and send out mixed signals which really damages my self esteem more than outright rejection. I'm telling you, going on two dates and then not being called back is so much worse than never being asked out at all. (I don't get asked out much, but when I do it usually ends badly because the guy doesn't have this driving impulse to begin a relationship. Or there isn't chemistry. Or he has baggage. etc etc etc) It's not that I don't feel worthy of a relationship; I just feel weighed down by this burden of not being particularly attractive to men. And by attractive I don't mean sexually because I'm thin and have big boobs bla bla. I want to feel like even if I were not so much to look at or didn't age well I would be loved on the strength of my personality and passion and willingness to work on a relationship. I feel so dead and empty sometimes because I fear if I show my true self, my lively self, I'll be hurt, turned down, etc. I feel like it's always the guy that has the power because he cares less. I feel like that's never ever ever EVER gonna change. I don't want to break hearts, I just want an equal share. I'm tired of feeling like the guy has the choice by default. If you guys read my first post on this site, "Just don't know what's going on," it tells a bit more about my history of singledom. I would appreciate some searingly honest feedback on why I might be single all the time.
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 One more thing. I think that it's possible that I just might be compatible with very few people. My best friend, who IS in a LTR, said she feels the same way.
audrey_1 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I can only speak for myself, but it takes a lot for me to invest in dating - for good or bad. And I've got a dose of commitment-phobia. That makes for attractive and serially single.
so gutted Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I agree attractive women go for money and this leads to issues because men with money usually have a wife and a few mistresses.
so gutted Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Okay, I feel like we're getting a little closer to the root of my problem. I think it's insecurity combined with the fact that all the guys I've been on dates with have seemed to have a lot of baggage whereas I have absolutely NONE. I mean, where am I going to meet a guy who's never had a serious relationship or maybe had only one? That seems impossible, but maybe necessary if I'm to be happy. The insecurity is b/c I feel like I'm physically quite attractive to men but not "girlfriend material" because I have no positive relationship experience to make me feel validated. I know I'm suppose to self-validate but that's not reality. It's also true that I'm not exactly the most approachable person on earth. I'm not intimidating, just a bit reticent at first. The other thing is that I have a knack for meeting guys that are only mildly interested in me and send out mixed signals which really damages my self esteem more than outright rejection. I'm telling you, going on two dates and then not being called back is so much worse than never being asked out at all. (I don't get asked out much, but when I do it usually ends badly because the guy doesn't have this driving impulse to begin a relationship. Or there isn't chemistry. Or he has baggage. etc etc etc) It's not that I don't feel worthy of a relationship; I just feel weighed down by this burden of not being particularly attractive to men. And by attractive I don't mean sexually because I'm thin and have big boobs bla bla. I want to feel like even if I were not so much to look at or didn't age well I would be loved on the strength of my personality and passion and willingness to work on a relationship. I feel so dead and empty sometimes because I fear if I show my true self, my lively self, I'll be hurt, turned down, etc. I feel like it's always the guy that has the power because he cares less. I feel like that's never ever ever EVER gonna change. I don't want to break hearts, I just want an equal share. I'm tired of feeling like the guy has the choice by default. If you guys read my first post on this site, "Just don't know what's going on," it tells a bit more about my history of singledom. I would appreciate some searingly honest feedback on why I might be single all the time. You have just described me.
Lucky_One Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I think that there are just as many unattractive (although I am not sure whose standards we are employing here) women AND attractive men AND unattractive men who don't date often. And I would say to you that the problem, in this case, is not their physical appearance. If you are desperate and needy, then someone will not call you back. If you are chilly and afraid, then someone will not call you back. If you are angry and selfish, then someone will not call you back. Period. Who wants to spend time with someone like that?
Lucky_One Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 "(I don't get asked out much, but when I do it usually ends badly because the guy doesn't have this driving impulse to begin a relationship. Or there isn't chemistry. Or he has baggage. etc etc etc)" Do you see a trend in this list of reasons? It is all HIS fault. Is the lack of a third date ever YOUR fault?
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 You have just described me. But that's just the point of the thread. I'M NOT THE ONLY GIRL WHO FEELS THIS WAY.
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 "(I don't get asked out much, but when I do it usually ends badly because the guy doesn't have this driving impulse to begin a relationship. Or there isn't chemistry. Or he has baggage. etc etc etc)" Do you see a trend in this list of reasons? It is all HIS fault. Is the lack of a third date ever YOUR fault? With all due respect, I don't find myself desperate, chilly or scary. I think I might be afraid, but that's it. And who isn't afraid, seriously? If you think it's my fault, I'd be glad to hear your advice on reversing this trend.
Lucky_One Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 But that's just the point of the thread. I'M NOT THE ONLY GIRL WHO FEELS THIS WAY. You're not the only guy, either. There are posts all the time on LS about why girls don't want nice guys.
torranceshipman Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Quite a few of my male friends say that they can't believe I'm single so much, because they think I'm really hot (bless them!-and I didnt even pay the to say that, lol)...but I guess its because I hardly EVER meet someone I feel real chemistry with. Simple as that really...easy to meet a guy, almost impossible to meet the right guy (and before anyone says maybe my criteria is all wrong-its not that...its the lack of chemistry! Give me great chemistry and I'll be all for it!). 'Til I find at least that I'm very happy single! Often I love my single life and wonder if I'd have sold out on some of my work and dreams if I'd been in a serious R, but who knows...just different life paths I guess. I do date quite a bit though (as in, go on a dinner date or out for drinks if an interesting guy asks me, but most of the time it wont go further than that). I think I just dont match with many people....maybe thats true of a lot of people.
Lucky_One Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 With all due respect, I don't find myself desperate, chilly or scary. I think I might be afraid, but that's it. And who isn't afraid, seriously? If you think it's my fault, I'd be glad to hear your advice on reversing this trend. In your own words, you feel dead, empty, invalidated. You are afraid to show your liveliness. You think you are baggage-less. To be frank, if I was a guy, I wouldn't want to date you if this is the persona you give off. I'd like to date someone open, happy, fun, cheerful, kind, intelligent. A nice butt is a nice addition, but even a great set of T&A isn't going to make up for the fact that you feel afraid to show yourself and that you feel dead. You say you don't have baggage, but you actually are carrying a pretty nice line of invisible LV. When you feel rejected, you pick up a dufflebag. When you feel unvalidated, you get a 19" wheeled overnighter. To say you have no baggage - but the guys always have some - is to imply that you are better off emotionally than they are. And is that really the truth?
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 It would be really helpful if I was able to go on like 20 dates in the span of a month b/c then one or two would probably develop into something abit more, giving me a chance to see why some work and some don't. As it is, I go on dates so rarely that when one doesn't work out I never have perspective or other options, making me APPEAR desperate where I might not be. Also, rejection stings a LOT if you have no other prospects. Anything I can do to change this? I've tried Craigslist, that **** is creepy.
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I think I just dont match with many people....maybe thats true of a lot of people. Perhaps so... doesn't it feel lonely though to go on a lot of aimless dates? That always leaves me feeling cold inside. As I've said, if I had even experience super chemistry once in my life, I would feel more confident that I could find it again. But since I haven't, I'm feeling there just might not be anyone for me. Sorry for all these posts, I've had way too much coffee today. ^^
Lucky_One Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I sure wouldn't do Craigs List either - I think it is full of mass murderers! If I was dating again, I would do a speed dating thing. I just think it sounds like fun, even if you don't meet anyone the first time. I dated a really nice guy for about 5 months that I met on Yahoo personals, super-cute and a great, quiet smile; it just fizzled bc...hmmm....I don't know why. Just not perfect for both of us, I think. I also am always intrigued by single's groups. There is one where I live that caters to outdoorsy people who hike, ski, bike. I am almost tempted to go (even though I have a BF) bc I'd like to meet some other women who like to go fishing or canoeing. I think there are more options out there than we give credit to.
Author Isolde Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I sure wouldn't do Craigs List either - I think it is full of mass murderers! If I was dating again, I would do a speed dating thing. I just think it sounds like fun, even if you don't meet anyone the first time. I dated a really nice guy for about 5 months that I met on Yahoo personals, super-cute and a great, quiet smile; it just fizzled bc...hmmm....I don't know why. Just not perfect for both of us, I think. I also am always intrigued by single's groups. There is one where I live that caters to outdoorsy people who hike, ski, bike. I am almost tempted to go (even though I have a BF) bc I'd like to meet some other women who like to go fishing or canoeing. I think there are more options out there than we give credit to. I'm young; 22. I'm starting a hobby but don't think I'll meet anyone there. I'm not sure if theres any web sites that cater to 22-28 year olds other than CL. I also hate those cheezy marriage oriented sites; I'm sure not ready for that!
Lucky_One Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Perhaps so... doesn't it feel lonely though to go on a lot of aimless dates? That always leaves me feeling cold inside. As I've said, if I had even experience super chemistry once in my life, I would feel more confident that I could find it again. But since I haven't, I'm feeling there just might not be anyone for me. Sorry for all these posts, I've had way too much coffee today. ^^ Ok, there is one problem. There is no such thing as an aimless date. Dates should always be fun. You are meeting someone new, someone who has a totally different brain than anyone else in the world, someone with new thoughts and new ideas and new opinions. You get a new experience, and that shapes you for your very own future. There is chemistry out there for everyone, I am convinced. I go home to my parent's, and I read the hometown newspaper. There are pictures of couples there getting married - the net weight of both must be 600 pounds, or one of them is hideous, or they are both just plain as mud. If these (bluntly) fat, ugly people can find chemistry, then so can you!
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