is it over?

[jolie78]

my relationship after two years has ended. it was serious - we lived together for a year and a half, he traveled with me every holiday (and other weekends) back home to my parents and was a part of our family, etc. i thought we had a future. he was very attentive in the beginning - with flowers sent to my office often, all my gadgets - GPS, etc., were purchased by him, we never spent more than a couple days apart.

 

the break up was because we argued too much. i was very moody, rude, belittling, and going through depression. i don't know if i chemically depressed - i was just extremely sad when my dog of 14 years passed away. he recommended that i see a therapist - that led to me being placed on prozac, and from there, the mood swings began. in hindsight, even i see myself as a crazy person. he was so stressed that his hair began to turn white.

 

i moved out last week into a place i just bought. he lives 10 minutes away. i did no contact for one week, then broke down and called and cried today. it was just too hard.

 

he is very cold toward me - i don't know why. i mean, i understand the fact that he would want to break up, but why the coldness? also, after i made the decision to get off the medication, i have been a lot more clear-headed and less confrontational.

 

before i moved out, we were already two months broken up, but we still continued to hang out. when we aren't arguing, we actually enjoy each other's company.

 

there were things that i said throughout the relationship to hurt him - like that he wasn't as smart as my ex, that i never loved him, etc. whether those things affected him and how much, i don't know. but i apologized for them.

 

i know i probably don't sound like the most likable or sympathetic person right now, but i am asking for some advice. is there really nothing i can do anymore?

[lkjh]

If he wants you back he will take you back but if not just understand that sometimes these things end and all you can do is learn from them. Just make sure that in the future you don't resort to belittling people when are angry.

[jolie78]

If he wants you back he will take you back but if not just understand that sometimes these things end and all you can do is learn from them. Just make sure that in the future you don't resort to belittling people when are angry.

 

that, i understand. it was immature of me, and in retrospect, of course, i feel ashamed and saddened that i chose to do that. it really had nothing to do with how i saw him but rather how i felt about myself. i was always second-guessing how he felt about me, and i guess it was a self-defense mechanism that ended up hurting the relationship very badly.

 

with all the negativity that i have felt in the past year, i think it will take some time for me to undo everything even internally and to become a better person.

 

i just got off the phone with him. we hadn't talked for a week. this time, we talked for an hour. at first, it was just small talk. then he was willing to share his feelings with me, saying that he felt a lot for me, that i stressed him out to the point where he was constantly unhappy, and he just wants to feel no stress now. he may date, and that's that. and though it hurts that he could be interested in replacing me so soon, i guess i have nobody to blame but myself. somehow, that makes me feel better. at least it's not because i chose the wrong guy to fall in love with - things were real, and it was my actions that ruined everything.

 

in a sense, it makes me feel like maybe i could fix things. certainly, not overnight. and i'm not entitled to that trust anyway. but he is going to try to have dinner with me weekly, which will allow us to stay in each other's lives as well as allow me time to work on myself.

 

i am apprehensive that i am setting myself up for devastation. i do want to become a better person, but i am afraid that when all's said and done, he won't be there anymore.

 

any advice on how to best conduct myself in the months to come?

[lkjh]

A lot of people act like that when they are angry so don't feel to bad just work on it. At least you didn't cheat, you most likely still have a leg to stand on but it ,may take time.

[2sunny]

don't try to go back - allow him to move forward and be happy.

 

you treated him badly and expected him to put up with it. why? no one should.

 

you are only willing to make changes now that he said NO MORE.

 

you had your chance and you shouldn't expect that he will want to risk the fact that what you showed him is part of you... he didn't like what he saw. he said he doesn't want to do that anymore - the reason for his being cold.

[jolie78]

don't try to go back - allow him to move forward and be happy.

 

you treated him badly and expected him to put up with it. why? no one should.

 

you are only willing to make changes now that he said NO MORE.

 

you had your chance and you shouldn't expect that he will want to risk the fact that what you showed him is part of you... he didn't like what he saw. he said he doesn't want to do that anymore - the reason for his being cold.

 

well, he isn't being cold anymore. maybe apprehensive, but not cold. i can sit here all day and try to come up with excuses for why i acted the way i did, but the bottom line is that i have no good excuse. but, this isn't my first long-term relationship and i know when we are doing well, we're actually very happy with each other. i don't understand the "he doesn't like what he saw" bit. it's not like we went on a few dates and he didn't like what he saw. we're talking about a relationship.

[2sunny]

i was referring to you being moody and depressed and not doing anything to change that until after it was too late.

 

even after it was too late you were purposefully demeaning to him by saying mean and degrading things.

 

what man would want to go back to that - even if you say it will be better... he can't be certain it won't be that way again at any moment.

 

i say leave him alone. to be happy with someone else. it's only fair to him.

[Konfuzion]

Wow you told the man that your ex's were better than him.... A man feels like (at a primal level) the protector of the woman he is with, it is his duty to take care of her. When you shoot down his confidence and tell him that someone is better that will crush a man, and have him be less productive in business and relationships. Just like a woman wants to hear that she is the most beautiful, sexiest and so on.

 

If you do want to stand a chance with this man I think its time you built his confidence up slowly so he can be a better bf to you, and make sure he knows you think he is the best at everything he does.

[jolie78]

i was referring to you being moody and depressed and not doing anything to change that until after it was too late.

 

even after it was too late you were purposefully demeaning to him by saying mean and degrading things.

 

what man would want to go back to that - even if you say it will be better... he can't be certain it won't be that way again at any moment.

 

i say leave him alone. to be happy with someone else. it's only fair to him.

 

when did i say, "after it was too late" that i was purposefully demeaning and said mean and degrading things? because i haven't.

[jolie78]

Wow you told the man that your ex's were better than him.... A man feels like (at a primal level) the protector of the woman he is with, it is his duty to take care of her. When you shoot down his confidence and tell him that someone is better that will crush a man, and have him be less productive in business and relationships. Just like a woman wants to hear that she is the most beautiful, sexiest and so on.

 

If you do want to stand a chance with this man I think its time you built his confidence up slowly so he can be a better bf to you, and make sure he knows you think he is the best at everything he does.

 

thank you for the advice.

[Intergalactic]

i want you to know that you are NOT the only person to make the mistake of seeking help when it's too late, and that depression (and the side effects of it) is not always something that can be controlled.

i was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. the reason i ended up seeing a psychiatrist after years of dealing with it on my own is because i sunk into a deep depression, which lasted about 6 months (and is still continuing). i was also angry, irritable, had violent mood swings, suicidal, and of course, i reached out to the closest person to me - my boyfriend. i was very hesitant at first to tell him of my thoughts and feelings but he pushed the issue and i eventually told him. he told me i needed to see a professional. i thought my "issue" wasn't really an issue at all, that it was all in my head (as i have done for years). he'd told me a number of times that i was becoming clingy and attached, i was angry, that he was having to fit his moods around mine and he didn't like it. i listened, i was trying, but i was having a lot of difficulty focussing on anything other than my depression and how truly awful i felt, how every day i woke up wishing i could die. eventually, it became too much for him. we broke up. at this point, i had gone to see a psychiatrist and was being prescribed medication - but it was too late. i'd left it too late. he'd told me for months and i had ignored my blatant problems thinking that he was wrong and i was right, that it would just go away (and it does, has done in the past, but takes months and i have to hit rock bottom first). he could no longer handle the stress of it all. the person he loved had changed completely, into this angry, needy monster. by the time i was feeling better, he was no longer interested. he told me that the stress was all too much, that i needed to get better, fully and completely and have been stable for a long time before i even THOUGHT about getting into a relationship - with anyone, let alone him.

 

so there's my sad and sorry sob story. there were things i could have done, but at the end of the day, depression is still a taboo subject and many people don't realise they have it even if it seems so obvious to others. bipolar disorder is a little different (i get to have the manic episodes too, which are ****ing awful), but i still refused to believe there was a problem. at the end of the day, it was a chemical imbalance in my brain that caused this in me. i have lost a very dear relationship, but it's not unfixable.

my suggestion to you is this: take some time off, for yourself. cut him from your life - tell him you need to take time to fix yourself, to get the therapy you need, to better yourself, and that when you are done, you would like to initiate contact again. trust me, he does NOT want to be around when you are "transitioning". it can be a very stressful and hard stage (i myself have just flown home to live with my parents again after my psychiatrist had me committed, AND i was on medication at the time) and it will only serve to show him things he does not need to see. once you feel better within yourself, once you've had some personal growth, then you two can get to know each other again. he also needs time, the last part of his relationship with you was probably quite tumultuous and for you both to be able to maintain any sort of relationship in the future, time apart is VITAL. that means no speaking, no online stuff, no calls, no seeing each other. it IS hard and you WILL miss him and he very well might meet other people - but you can come back and you can bring him back into the fold when your life has picked up.

 

anyway, sorry about the novel, i just really feel for you because i am going through the same thing. good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[jolie78]

intergalactic: i really appreciate that response.

[2sunny]

when did i say, "after it was too late" that i was purposefully demeaning and said mean and degrading things? because i haven't.

 

you are taking two separate things and making them into one.

 

the "after it was too late" was referring to your reference to being depressed and taking it as your green light to be mean. you did something about the depression after he wanted to end things.

 

the mean things said is separate as well. you did it knowingly and it was unkind. no man wants that as part of their life. you expected him to just put up with a nasty attitude and mean words. would you want to go back to that if the roles were reversed?

 

anyway, whether or not the relationship starts again or not - that will most likely be up to him. in the meantime give him plenty of space to keep a clear head.

 

either way, learn from your past mistakes and move forward with any relationship with this new knowledge.

[2sunny]

intergalactic: i really appreciate that response.

 

of course you do because that is validation for your bad behavior. that was what you are looking for instead of owning what you actually did and that is the reality that you don't want to admit.

 

not being mean here - just pointing out your stance.

[jolie78]

you are taking two separate things and making them into one.

 

the "after it was too late" was referring to your reference to being depressed and taking it as your green light to be mean. you did something about the depression after he wanted to end things.

 

the mean things said is separate as well. you did it knowingly and it was unkind. no man wants that as part of their life. you expected him to just put up with a nasty attitude and mean words. would you want to go back to that if the roles were reversed?

 

anyway, whether or not the relationship starts again or not - that will most likely be up to him. in the meantime give him plenty of space to keep a clear head.

 

either way, learn from your past mistakes and move forward with any relationship with this new knowledge.

 

sorry if my first post was unclear about the timeline. i saw a therapist for the first time maybe 9 months ago, while he still really wanted to work on things. it took a long time for me to make that decision. following that, i again took his decision to go along with the prescribed medication. i had a feeling it was wrong, because the therapist and psychiatrist only spoke with me for about 5 minutes each. the medication led to the constant crying, destructive attitude, etc. i stopped the medication about a month ago and haven't experienced any outburst since. it was my fault for not questioning the accuracy of the diagnoses. that, and i'm a pretty private person, so though i always carry on a decent conversation, much of what i often say is not really all that relevant to who/how i am. i don't know if you've watched charlie bartlett, but it was kinda like that. much of what i said, however interesting i may have thought it sounded, was probably only as good as it was applicable. hence the whack diagnoses and the prescribed pills that i truly believe caused me to lose control of myself.

 

i don't enjoy writing about this because it makes me feel crazy having to admit that i saw a therapist, took medication, etc. but it is what it is, i guess.

 

i do appreciate your advice. screwing up doesn't feel so great.

[jolie78]

of course you do because that is validation for your bad behavior. that was what you are looking for instead of owning what you actually did and that is the reality that you don't want to admit.

 

not being mean here - just pointing out your stance.

 

actually, that wasn't why. i was appreciating the fact that she shared something pretty personal about herself. telling another person you were diagnosed with bipolar disease probably isn't the easiest thing to do. i know this is just an online forum, but there's no reason to be snide.

[2sunny]

actually, that wasn't why. i was appreciating the fact that she shared something pretty personal about herself. telling another person you were diagnosed with bipolar disease probably isn't the easiest thing to do. i know this is just an online forum, but there's no reason to be snide.

 

i'm not being snide... really i'm not.

 

i also will say that i made an unfair assumption about your perception to that posting. so i was wrong to do that.

 

i also want to point out that there is no shame in admitting that there may be an issue that requires medicine. the greater harm is to know the issue and not address it and not take the medicine.

 

so that is a good step in a positive direction if you understand the issue and want to work on it.

[jolie78]

i'm not being snide... really i'm not.

 

i also will say that i made an unfair assumption about your perception to that posting. so i was wrong to do that.

 

i also want to point out that there is no shame in admitting that there may be an issue that requires medicine. the greater harm is to know the issue and not address it and not take the medicine.

 

so that is a good step in a positive direction if you understand the issue and want to work on it.

 

actually, i thought a lot about what you said yesterday, and i think you're right. he keeps saying i had my chance for a long time, and i basically blew it. so it's true, i have nothing else left to say at this point.

 

will being friends be pointless?