XNemesisX Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 4 months. I'm getting a little worried that my actions are going to eventually scare my boyfriend away. However, I'm still not completely sure that I'm being unreasonable and would like the perspective of others not in the relationship. First of all, my boyfriend and I live about 50 minutes away. Not a really far distance, but enough to where we usually only see each other on the weekends and maybe 1 day during the week he will drive down here to see me. The problem is when I go up there to stay with him, there are always other people around. I have no problem with the fact that he is close to his roommates, but after a certain age is it normal to still be like that with your friends? I feel like he sees them every day so I should get more attention on the weekends since that's the only time he gets to see me! We are starting to fight a lot and its usually over issues related to this. I just want some privacy with him! He made the comment today that he would live with these 2roommates until he is 40. (By the way he is 23, I am 25). I hope he is not serious. I like my friends a lot too, but if my boyfriend is visiting me for the weekend he is going to take priority. Do I seem clingy for wanting/expecting this?! I feel like I'm at the age now that I want a stable, serious relationship and the way he is with his friends reminds me of college kids in a frat sometimes. Also, I think I want to talk on the phone a lot more than he does. Sometimes he will get off the phone with me to talk to his roommates or go "hang out" with some of his other friends. I feel that in a long distance relationship it's crucial to spend ample time on the phone. I think he and I may also have different views on friendships. I used to be like that with my friends when I was in high school and college, but as you get older do you not become more oriented to spend the majority of your time with your spouse or significant other? My last 3 serious relationships must have been with "clingy" guys because when I would see them they were all about me and we would have the hardest time leaving each other for even just a few days. This guy is not like that at all. I think I actually prefer a clingier guy. I feel ignored a lot and if my "clinginess" doesn't scare him off first, I may actually end up being the one to get fed up. He says he has a hard time expressing his emotions but I'm starting to worry it is a lack of interest...or perhaps he is more interested in being with "his buddies" than establishing a serious relationship. What do you think? Are long distance relationships just doomed to fail or do you think there is more going on here to cause this strain? Thanks in advance for any input! It is greatly appreciated!
D-Lish Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 This is what 23 year old guys do... They like spending time with their friends. Trust me when I tell you that he will get turned off if he feels his friendships are threatened. I think spending three days a week together is pretty indicative of how he feels about you. Plus, he gives you his weekends! That's prime "guy time". Fighting with him about his friends will only push him away. Accepting that they are an important part of his life will probably bring the two of you closer together. Why not spend the one day a week you are at his place getting to know his room mates and bonding with them?
americanlady Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 hate to be mean... just have fun with him... on the days u can but this prob wont last this relationship... u already have to many doubts questions and concerns. Take it easy.. someone is eventually going to get fed up looks like headed for trouble in future one day and you may be on here crying. Plus just 23... take it easy. Best of luck.
ohhmyandrea Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I dont think that long distance relationships are doomed to fail. I mean honestly take a look at the majority of relationships. They fail. It takes something special to last a relationship and even more of that something to last one thats long distance. I agree that guys get turned off if their guy time is threatened but perhaps what you need is a face to face chat. Not one where he's inclined to hang up the phone. Let him know how you feel, in a non defensive way. Tell him you understand his guy time but also let him know that you feel neglected. Hope everything goes well.
Author XNemesisX Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I care about this guy tremendously and I think I deserve to have a relationship actually turn out well. I was concerned about his age and maybe this does factor in somewhat. However, when I dated my exes before him they were around the same age he is now and the friends thing did not go to this extent. I definitely felt like more of a priority with my exes. D-Lish, I probably should spend more time with his roommates but I'm afraid they may now see me as "Crazy Girlfriend" and it could be too late to repair things. Even my boyfriend told me himself that they were jealous of me and seemed threatened that I might take more of his time away from them. I also think that my boyfriend tells them details of our relationship and they probably can't figure out why I act the way I do sometimes. They are both single and not dating anyone. I probably do go overboard at times but I think my frustration with not getting to see him as much as I'd like is getting to me. When he cuts me off so abruptly on the phone it also just makes me more angry and frustrated over the whole situation. I wonder if it would be any better if we lived in the same area code or if I would still feel like I was constantly competing with other people for his attention. I thought about moving back to the town he lives in even though it will be well over 2 hours a day round trip commuting to work. That is how much I would like for this relationship to work. I also wonder if it is just a difference in personalities that could end up clashing. He likes to have people and friends around 24/7 while I'm a bit more of a loner - enjoying being with people for limited amounts of time and getting adequate alone time. I don't mind spending all or most of my time with someone in the context of a relationship though.
crimsonrose Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I can completely relate. My fiance is Albanian, so it's normal and viewed as a good thing to live with your family until you, well, die. Wives just kidan move right on into the family house and its no big deal. When I visited my fiance just a week ago, I kept begging him for a date, and hed say sure, sure, and then ask his brother or family to come. Drove me insane! Its not a necessarily a sign of immaturity that he wants to be with his roommates so much, but he does need to tell them to bugger off every once in awhile. Its hard being in an LDR and not being able to be ALONE with your lover. Your normal and its not your fault, and youre not too clingy. Trust me, I feel realyl clingy too and often fear I'll scare off my fiance,. But as far as I've seen, its normal in an LDR. People in LDRs, especially the females, tend to get really emotional. its a painful thing to be serpated from your lover, and it makes emotions run high. Tis normal though. Just tell him you want ONE date when you come down to see him, because you love being alone with him. No biggie
crimsonrose Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 O, and as far as the jealous roommates, my fiances brother is that way too. My fiance can see his brother any time he pleases because they all live together, but still when I visit him he wants to please his brother. Makes me really jealous but its not that uncommon.
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