pandagirl Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I’ll make it short. Dated guy shortly, didn’t work out, he ended things, but no hard feelings. We really liked each other though as people and continued to try to be friends for the last 3-4 months. Sometimes things were normal and fun and fine. Other times, I would get a little too tipsy, and instigate making out with him. At times, he would seem hesitant to partake, but would gladly kiss me back. Recently, we saw each other for the first time in 6 weeks. Things were fine and friendly and great, but I got drunk and, again, instigated some kissing. I regretted it immediately; it’s almost like a bad habit I can’t kick. Called him a week later, no call. I lost my phone, sent out a mass email for get everyone’s phone number again, he didn’t reply. I have to say: I am really hurt. We had a weird relationship. As friends, we connected so great and amazingly. I really, really wanted to be his friend, but I feel like I messed things up by always crossing the line. And I regret it. But, I also feel, he should've just been honest with me and told me if he didn't want to be friends. I would've understood. Am I to blame? Should I write him and apologize. Or just leave it be?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I think you should move on from this guy entirely. It sounds like it's been nothing but a pain in the butt.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I think you should just let it go. Obviously it wasn't a real friendship if you were still making out with him when drunk. I think part of you still wanted to see where things could go and maybe just labeled it a "friendship", but still treated it as if you were somewhat dating? Furthermore, if you had established a great friendship with him and he felt the same, then he would have responded. That was probably his way of saying he didn't want to continue the "friendship" either. Let it go!
Author pandagirl Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I think I will be able to let it go. I think I am just really beating myself up over this. Even though I didn't want to date him again -- just romantically incompatible -- I think a stupid/selfish part of me wanted to see if I could just get him to kiss me. Like a power thing. Stupid, I know (and always alcohol aided). The thing is, he always did make an effort to be my friend: inviting me places with his friends, inviting me to dinner parties, including me in his life. I feel like I am the one who caused this, by always pushing the boundaries. I think he just got tired of it. I feel lame and like I screwed up.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 The thing is, he always did make an effort to be my friend: inviting me places with his friends, inviting me to dinner parties, including me in his life. I feel like I am the one who caused this, by always pushing the boundaries. I think he just got tired of it. I feel lame and like I screwed up. Maybe he just didn't like the confusion. Maybe he didn't want to lead you on by kissing you back. Maybe he didn't want to feel hot and bothered knowing that making out could potentially lead to more, and if not, would at least lead to some sexual frustration. There are so many "maybes", but in the end, don't beat yourself up for it. Give it time, he may or may not come around. For now, just let it be.
Dirk Diggler Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Recently, we saw each other for the first time in 6 weeks. Things were fine and friendly and great, but I got drunk and, again, instigated some kissing. I regretted it immediately; it’s almost like a bad habit I can’t kick. Called him a week later, no call. I lost my phone, sent out a mass email for get everyone’s phone number again, he didn’t reply. I have to say: I am really hurt. We had a weird relationship. As friends, we connected so great and amazingly. There's a lot of contradiction to what i am reading here and what you are believing this guy feels for you. Why in the world are you throwing yourself at someone who seemingly does not want you but will dip into a little sugar when the moment is sweet enough!?? Women typically hit the friends button where many guys just *dont* want anything to do with them anymore post relationship. It's not disrespectful but a matter of moving on. If you meet a new girl you don't want some girl whom cannot *get over it* re-inserting herself into your life creating a real mess. There are plenty of people out there! I don't understand stories like this where one person just gets so fixated onto a single individual and it gets to the point of psycho ex-gf, when there are plenty of people out there that will want more than he is giving you every few weeks. As you said this may be a force of habit, maybe some deep therapy regarding such dependency/esteem issues may be of some benefit?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I think I am just really beating myself up over this. Let it all go, and forgive yourself. You're not going to do anyone any good dwelling on your mistakes. Like a good friend of mine often says, though, "If you lose, don't lose a lesson."
Jilly Bean Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 PG - you have struggled with this guy from the moment he told you months ago he didn't want to date you. THAT should have been your cue to exit the scene, as it has always been clear that you wanted more from him. In that situation, friendship would never work. I think you were hanging on perhaps hoping he would change his mind... I have said other times, so I'll say it again - I think he was great at exploiting your insecurities and affections for him. That has never changed. I think now he is just done with trying to sidestep your advances, or has a GF. Just leave him alone. Let it go, and just move on.
Author pandagirl Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I'm trying to let it go. But I feel horrible that I cost myself a friend. That I made myself look stupid. That I did things that I knew I shouldn't have. I want to write him and apologize, but I'm not going to. I pushed someone away I didn't mean to and now I feel like it's gone forever. He'll never look back. JB: I don't want to date him, but I think I *did* want some sort of validation that stems from my own insecurities. I think that's the part I'm beating myself over with. The thing is, he always made an effort to include me in his life, which was a seemingly genuine effort to be my friend. But all of you are right, I just need to let it go.
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 pandagirl, it really is true that you can't be friends with an ex until the feelings are gone on both sides. Once that happens, you view them without the blinders and decide whether or not they're worth being friends with. In some ways, this guy represents a lot of different aspects of validation for you. It really is time to find one end of the knot and start unraveling, until you're free.
Jilly Bean Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 JB: I don't want to date him, but I think I *did* want some sort of validation that stems from my own insecurities. I think that's the part I'm beating myself over with. The thing is, he always made an effort to include me in his life, which was a seemingly genuine effort to be my friend. Well, that's what I mean, PG. He was excellent at exploiting these insecurities. I think you were nice to have around, as it flattered him, and he enjoyed the attention. For whatever reason, he no longer needs that. Whatever you do - DO NOT write him to apologize. You've done nothing wrong TO HIM that requires an apology, and if he is fine to let your friendship pass into oblivion, then you should just follow suit. I think there are some great take-aways from all of this for you. You're a smart girl - I know you won't let this all pass in vain. Just learn from it, and it will all have been a valuable experience.
Author pandagirl Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 In some ways, this guy represents a lot of different aspects of validation for you. It really is time to find one end of the knot and start unraveling, until you're free. Yes, deep down I know that the way I'm feeling has nothing to do with him and everything to do about me, which is why I think I'm being so hard on myself. Well, that's what I mean, PG. He was excellent at exploiting these insecurities. I think you were nice to have around, as it flattered him, and he enjoyed the attention. For whatever reason, he no longer needs that. Whatever you do - DO NOT write him to apologize. You've done nothing wrong TO HIM that requires an apology, and if he is fine to let your friendship pass into oblivion, then you should just follow suit. I think there are some great take-aways from all of this for you. You're a smart girl - I know you won't let this all pass in vain. Just learn from it, and it will all have been a valuable experience. I agree with you, too, JB. I am already learning from this experience and what I need to work on with myself. I think what it comes down to, is I fear that him "rejecting" me means I am somehow less of a person, that if I were worthy of knowing, this would have never have happened. And I created this situation by letting my own issues/insecurities arise to the surface, so I let myself down and in turn, pushed someone away. I blame myself. This is my emotional response. Another thing -- and this is my own fault -- but, I tend to idealize people. I never think anyone would do anything to hurt me. For some reason, I trusted him, and now I just feel disappointed and sad.
Author pandagirl Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 There's a lot of contradiction to what i am reading here and what you are believing this guy feels for you. Why in the world are you throwing yourself at someone who seemingly does not want you but will dip into a little sugar when the moment is sweet enough!?? Women typically hit the friends button where many guys just *dont* want anything to do with them anymore post relationship. It's not disrespectful but a matter of moving on. If you meet a new girl you don't want some girl whom cannot *get over it* re-inserting herself into your life creating a real mess. There are plenty of people out there! I don't understand stories like this where one person just gets so fixated onto a single individual and it gets to the point of psycho ex-gf, when there are plenty of people out there that will want more than he is giving you every few weeks. As you said this may be a force of habit, maybe some deep therapy regarding such dependency/esteem issues may be of some benefit? Yes, I am in therapy, but I am hardly a psycho ex-gf. I wholeheartedly agree that these are my issues to deal with. I honestly don't care who he dates, because he is free to do what he wants and I do not want to date him. My real dismay comes from the fact that I let my issues interfere with what could have been a good friendship. He made it clear that he wanted me in his life and his actions followed that, but I looked to him for some sort of selfish validation and I messed it up. I regret it and wish I could take it back.
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Okay pandagirl, you can just stop that self-flagellation right this minute! Push down the pedestal you've placed this guy on, realize he's not the be-all and end-all of potential friends and start working on why he was so tightly bound into the validation aspect.
Author pandagirl Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I don't have this guy on a pedestal anymore. Sure, he's handsome, intellgient and funny, but he's absolutely ridiculous (in a bad way) in so many other aspects -- mostly romantically. I mean, when I look at him, I have no romantic feelings anymore, but I still wanted that from him. I know him well enough to know that his offer of friendship to me was sincere and genuine and I took his efforts and completely disrespected them by acting the way I did. I'm disappointed in myself. I acted stupidly and pathetically. Who can blame him for thinking I'm a nuisance? Obviously, I have a lot of self-loathing in me, but if you guys ever met me, you'd think I was the happiest, most confident person. If you asked my friends about me, they'd probably pile on the compliments about what a "good friend" I am, and how I'm wonderful. But look at me: beating myself up constantly. I wanted his validation and I got it in spades, but I wanted more. I got greedy. And now I just hate myself for it. I'm frustrated with myself and why I do the things I do. I realize he is only an stimulus for me to work on myself. But, I still feel a lot of remorse for taking his offer of friendship and not taking care of it. I feel awful about that. It was disrespectful of me. I really want to apologize to him.
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