Does he really not have feelings for her/am I overreacting?

[stuckinoz]

HUGS to you!

I know exactly how you feel.

You are "boarding the crazy train".....I have been riding it for about 2 years now. It's NO fun.

He will continue to "deny deny deny" ..... My husband has a masters degree with the University of Denial! He is an excellent liar & an excellent "gaslighter". I too felt stupid confronting him.

I moved out & am now back home. (dumb move on my part)

Last night I checked his phone & there are 3 different "girls" that he texts thru the day. Always erases the messages & acts like I am "crazy" when I ask him about it.

I asked him last night "Do you think it would be appropriate for me to confront "J" & ask her what she is doing texting a married 48 year old man thru-out the day".......He (being the excellent actor he is) said in a very calm voice "Oh, I'd just let it go...you're making too much out of this"....

 

Have you thought of confronting this woman. I know that is a LAST resort..........but perhaps you could make she & him BOTH - all in one conversation - feel like SH*T!!.....You feel that way, why shouldn't they.

I don't know, because of my situation, if I would have the guts - or give her the satisfaction.........I'm just curious if anyone else would.

[Agent_99]

orangekin~ As to talking to the OW. your right either she's going treat you like the enemy or she's going to tell you the truth. Part of it will depend on if he's lied to her and how she feels about him.

When I was the bs I talked to the OW and it helped me learn the whole truth. She had no reason to hide anything from me.

 

In your case the OW may try to hide the truth. But if you can approach her right you may at least learn something. She's most likely to lie that nothing is going in. She's not likely to lie that more has happened than has.

 

I am currently an OW. and if the BS in my situation came to me and wanted the truth I would tell her, not to 'win' MW because I think that would end things between us for good. But because I am not going to lie to her if she truly wanted to know. But based on what has happened recently in my situation, I don't think she wants to know, she knows how to get a hold of me if she wanted to double check MW story.

 

So do you really want to know everything? Your candidness on here leads me to think you do. So I say blow the whole thing open. Learn what you can, then make your decision, based on how you feel. Once you know everything can you forgive him? Can you even forgive him now?

 

The thing is that it is tempting to forgive him and settle back into whatever happiness you've had, the reason, your hurting and he is your husband and probably your comfort. BUT don't do it just because your hurting. Listen to your instincts. They obviously have not let you down yet.

 

~99

[angie2443]

Hi OrangeKin. The fact that you have a daughter changes things a bit. You do need to take this in to consideration. How old is she and do you and your husband own a home together?

 

Right now, I would talk to a divorce lawyer just to find out what your rights are and how a divorce would affect your living situation, etc. If you want to keep your marriage, your husband has to cut all contact with this OW. It doesn't matter if they had sex or not. Their relationship will tear yours apart. He will need to become an open book. If he keeps the denial up, it's probably time to leave.

[2sure]

OrangeKin -

 

When I mention calling the other woman, it is for a slightly different reason than has been mentioned so far.

After bungling my reaction the first time my husband cheated....the next time I found out (he was texting 3 women), I called them all right away. I wanted any consequences I could to affect him. Now, I'm not saying all of it wasnt way more his fault than theirs...but they were involved. They knew my husband was married and accepted his invitation to interfere with my marriage, MY life. So, I called. Welcome to reality.

 

I wasnt rude when I called and I didnt ask for information. I felt I wouldnt believe anyone anyway. I just told them who I was and that I didnt like what was happening and that it had to stop before I had to beome more involved. I did contact one of their husbands instead of her (she invited herself to my life, I invited myself to hers). As to the others, they were so shocked I knew so much about them, they all disappeared.

 

It is possible that although these women knew my H was married, that they thought he was free to roam (for a number of reasons MM make up) ...and my call confirmed that he was not.

 

My H's reaction to my phone calls was: First, furious and humiliated.

Then, COMPREHENSION.

 

What he thought was harmless to me, now had serious consequences to him and everyone else involved.

 

I honestly feel you should call and tell her you are uncomfortable with the amount of contact. SILENCE MEANS CONSENT.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

both he AND OW are very religious/conservative!

 

Then it will be even easier for them to justify everything. He must stay in the marriage because its the "right" thing to do, but "GOD, must have meant them to be together" and HE wants them to be happy. Sorry, I've heard this before, from religious conservatives. THEY are HUMAN, they will find a way to justify what feels "right" to them.

[imagine]

You need to regain trust.

 

Surprise him with a polygraph test. See if he is willing. You may even get most the answers before arriving at the polygraph operators premises.

[OrangeKin]

manugeorge - Thank you for sharing, yeah I think I will have to do a heavy amount of detective work on my part, if only for peace of mind. I just wish he would begin to volunteer the information on his own.

 

stuck - Ugh, it's a terrible feeling to be so smoothly deceived by someone so close. I hope you both are doing better.

 

99 - Thank you! I need all the push and encouragement I can get to try and call the OW again..

 

angie - Yes, our daughter is 3 and will be turning 4 in a few more months. We own a home together.

 

2sure - As for contacting OW.. our phone records say they are no longer calling and texting (though she has sent him two or three since our confrontation, which he has not replied to). Email however is a different story, I have no way of knowing if they're communicating that way. I think I will get the courage to call her again, and while I was worrying about what to say to her, I feel relieved you were able to get some positive results just by explaining something to them and not asking them for a thing.

 

IfWishes - I don't think he has any vision of being with OW; right now he seems content that I know ONLY what I know so far, without having to talk about it further. Like he wants to fast-forward to the healing part while the confrontation was rather stunted.

 

imagine - Wow, a polygraph test. I would have to say that that is the last LAST resort! The thought of it makes even me uncomfortable.

 

Guys, thanks to you and extensive (obsessive? ) reading of "Not 'Just Friends'" I'm beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel. The positive feeling isn't just that things will work out between H and I, but that I will be ok with or without him.