Grrlish Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 You know, that's what it sounds like when people say something like "Well, I'm sorry you see it that way" or my favorite: "I'm sorry that you feel that way." Such statements have become common in modern lexicon, and yet, such statements make no sense. I suppose, in certain situations, the latter statement might make some sense, if the sentiment behind it is real. For instance, if I tell you that I feel that I must leave you and you're sad, then telling me that you're sorry that I feel that way might be an appropriate use of such a phrase. However, such phrases these days are usually said with the intent of making the recipient feel wrong or bad/guilty or stupid about whatever it is that they just expressed. You can't be sorry for something that I feel. Only I can be sorry for something that I feel. Just like, you can't be sorry for something that I said or did. Only I can be sorry for things that I say or do. Such statements are also sometimes a perfect expression of the speaker's refusal to accept responsibility for their actions, about which you have expressed your thoughts or feelings. Am I the only one who becomes incensed at the use of these types of statements?
westrock Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 You can't be sorry for something that I feel. Why not? Being sorry for something is an expression of sorrow. It is just expressing that I feel sorrow for the feelings that you are feeling.
johan Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I agree to an extent. But, similar to expecting perfect spelling and grammar, expecting perfect semantics is just a losing battle. It's not worth the investment. Just make sure you don't commit the same sin yourself, and you've done pretty much all you can do.
portcitykitty Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I see your point...I have the WORST habit of always saying "I'm sorry", and my bf HATES it--he would agree with you! He hates that I say it when I shouldn't even be saying it. I say it because I do feel bad for the person I'm saying it to, and I have pity on them. My bf will say he had a bad day or something went wrong somewhere, and I'll say "I'm sorry" and his response every single time is "Oh it's not your fault." I KNOW it's not my fault...I just feel bad and wish I could help in some way! It's just a really bad habit I have...I'll be in somebody's way and they'll say "excuse me" and I'll say "I'm sorry." I dunno...is there a support group for people like me??
portcitykitty Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Why not? Being sorry for something is an expression of sorrow. It is just expressing that I feel sorrow for the feelings that you are feeling. MY POINT EXACTLY!!!!! That's what I was trying to say but couldn't quite get it out!
Walk Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I said that to my H one day during a disagreement, and immediately wanted to smack myself for it. Of course I wasn't sorry, and that's why I phrased it that way. I was sorry he was being an ass about it and inconvienencing me with it. I bytch slapped myself for it. Sometimes though, it's all in the context of the situation. I have used that phrase (I'm sorry you feel X feeling) but more in the context that I could not, or did not, fully understand the situation for whatever reason. I don't feel sorry for the person, I don't pity them, only that the person was feeling hurt over the situation and I wished for their sake that they didn't. Mostly on this board I hear the sarcastic version of that phrase though. And I'm sorry you feel the same as well.
Walk Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I just feel bad and wish I could help in some way! Why don't you tell him that instead? Maybe instead of "I feel bad", phrase it like "You must feel sad/mad/upset, I wish I could help in some way". I used to say "I'm sorry" for every little thing... it comes off as insincere if said too often. I still feel bad, but found it's more helpful to express it more clearly.
portcitykitty Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Why don't you tell him that instead? Maybe instead of "I feel bad", phrase it like "You must feel sad/mad/upset, I wish I could help in some way". I used to say "I'm sorry" for every little thing... it comes off as insincere if said too often. I still feel bad, but found it's more helpful to express it more clearly. Okay, thanks! I'll try to change it up, if I can stop myself from automatically saying "I'm sorry"! Jeez, it's a hard habit to break!!! I've seriously tried to stop and catch myself from saying it, and I wouldn't say it, but there are those moments when I'm not thinking and it just flies out without me realizing it and I smack myself for it! I guess in my moments of quiet reflection, I should be practicing!
Ronni_W Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 that's what it sounds like when people say something like "Well, I'm sorry you see it that way" or my favorite: "I'm sorry that you feel that way." ... Am I the only one who becomes incensed at the use of these types of statements? Good point - I've never thought about it before. I agree with you that the context makes a difference. For me, "I'm sorry that you're feeling [sad/mad about whatever your experience that you're feeling sad/mad about]," is an appropriate expression of empathy/understanding. If I did something that I thought/hoped/expected you'd be happy with but you are not, then, "I'm sorry you see it that way" or, more accurately, "I'm sorry that you're not seeing it in the positive way that I'd thought/hoped/expected you would," is also okay in my books. If you are feeling pissed cos I did something with which you disagreed or I did it differently than how you wanted/expected me to, then, "I'm sorry you feel that way"...to which can also be added, "but that's just too bad for you, cos I get to choose for myself what and how I do things." Hopefully I'm not going to start jumping on it, when people say something like that in a context that will trigger me .
Geishawhelk Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Of course, the other inference here, is "well, I regret that this is your opinion, but I am differing with you....." or to put it another way, "I disagree with what you say, but it's obviously your priviledge to hold that opinion." (even though I might think you're a moron.)
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 My ex did this all the time, and I HATED IT. "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said" was a common one. How about "I'm sorry I miscommunicated." Take some responsibility!! Ugh. This type of apology almost always reveals a selfish and self-centered nature, in my view.
Author Grrlish Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I said that to my H one day during a disagreement, and immediately wanted to smack myself for it. Of course I wasn't sorry, and that's why I phrased it that way. I was sorry he was being an ass about it and inconvienencing me with it. I bytch slapped myself for it. Sometimes though, it's all in the context of the situation. I have used that phrase (I'm sorry you feel X feeling) but more in the context that I could not, or did not, fully understand the situation for whatever reason. I don't feel sorry for the person, I don't pity them, only that the person was feeling hurt over the situation and I wished for their sake that they didn't. Mostly on this board I hear the sarcastic version of that phrase though. And I'm sorry you feel the same as well. Exactly what I was getting at. Yes, westrock and johan, sometimes it is a sincere expression - which I mentioned in my original post, and is not the context in which I am referring to it's use. But usually, these days, it is a sarcastic response. If I tell you that standing me up was hurtful and rude, and you say "I'm sorry you feel that way", it does not mean "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings". It means "Tough weenies that you feel hurt, and I don't feel bad for standing you up and hurting you." I rememer the days when people actually took responsibility for the way that they treated others. We ARE responsible for the way that we treat others, and we ARE responsible when we treat someone badly and hurt them or do them wrong. I love (*sarcasm*) when people say that they're not responsible for how you feel. If you do something bad to me or wrong me, it IS your fault for hurting me. Society continues to nurture the forfeiture of responsibility for one's actions.
Author Grrlish Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Of course, the other inference here, is "well, I regret that this is your opinion, but I am differing with you....." or to put it another way, "I disagree with what you say, but it's obviously your priviledge to hold that opinion." (even though I might think you're a moron.) *laugh* Good one. The verbiage that you present above is more clear and not insulting. The verbiage that I used in my OP is usually intended to be more along the lines of "Whatever". Like Ruby Slippers' post said: My ex did this all the time, and I HATED IT. "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said" was a common one. How about "I'm sorry I miscommunicated." Take some responsibility!! Ugh. This type of apology almost always reveals a selfish and self-centered nature, in my view. RS, you hit the nail on the head here, really clarifying what I was getting at. It is a way for the other party to completely disregard you, your words, your thoughts, and your feelings. It does NOT mean "I'm sorry for my actions and I'm sorry that I hurt you".
Author Grrlish Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I see your point...I have the WORST habit of always saying "I'm sorry", and my bf HATES it--he would agree with you! He hates that I say it when I shouldn't even be saying it. I say it because I do feel bad for the person I'm saying it to, and I have pity on them. My bf will say he had a bad day or something went wrong somewhere, and I'll say "I'm sorry" and his response every single time is "Oh it's not your fault." I KNOW it's not my fault...I just feel bad and wish I could help in some way! It's just a really bad habit I have...I'll be in somebody's way and they'll say "excuse me" and I'll say "I'm sorry." I dunno...is there a support group for people like me?? Not the same thing, PCK. Although I, too, have to work to not apologize for things all the time, there's a big difference between what I'm talking about here and offering a genuine apology or having a habit of saying I'm sorry.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 The way I see it when I've used it, I mean it to be "I feel sorry that we cannot reach some middle ground where both our points of view can co-exist in the same space-time contiuum". I tried saying that once and got a blank stare...
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 The way I see it when I've used it, I mean it to be "I feel sorry that we cannot reach some middle ground where both our points of view can co-exist in the same space-time contiuum". I tried saying that once and got a blank stare... lol I probably would have kissed you.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 lol I probably would have kissed you. Kiss me ruby! Just kiss me
johan Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 lol I probably would have kissed you. You'd have to be quick to catch him before he jumped in the transporter and beamed up.
ianandris Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 My ex did this all the time, and I HATED IT. "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said" was a common one. How about "I'm sorry I miscommunicated." Take some responsibility!! Ugh. This type of apology almost always reveals a selfish and self-centered nature, in my view. You know, call me crazy, but I kinda like it. Of course, the way the line is delivered makes all the difference in the world. If it's dismissive in tone, yeah, **** that. But, essentially, the line is a good way to end a discussion and disagree without being disagreeable. Demanding a concession from someone who isn't willing to concede is easily as immature as shirking responsibility for one's opinions/actions/reactions. I don't really see it as insincere at all. If I end up using the line, it's because, honestly, I don't like the situation, but I'm not going to be persuaded to change my position. I AM sorry you feel that way because, frankly, I like the way I feel about xyz quite a bit, and it sucks that we can't be on the same page. One of my favorite lines, now that I think about it. It's very diplomatic. It only makes you mad if you're hell bent on resolving the conflict, tbh. The line is the ultimate pick your battles line.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 ^ Huh. I don't see it that way at all. To me, it always came off as "I refuse to admit I did or said anything wrong, so I'm putting all the blame on you for not getting me." I have always liked: "Can we agree to disagree?"
CommitmentPhobe Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 and this applies to dating how? thanks for wasting my time
djhall Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 and this applies to dating how? thanks for wasting my time I'm sorry you feel that way about this thread.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I'm sorry you feel that way about this thread. :lmao: Again DJHall never fails to crack me up!! :lmao:
Vertex Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 "I am sorry you were born without proper logic and reasoning skills. I truly am."
HokeyReligions Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 You know, that's what it sounds like when people say something like "Well, I'm sorry you see it that way" or my favorite: "I'm sorry that you feel that way." Such statements have become common in modern lexicon, and yet, such statements make no sense. I suppose, in certain situations, the latter statement might make some sense, if the sentiment behind it is real. For instance, if I tell you that I feel that I must leave you and you're sad, then telling me that you're sorry that I feel that way might be an appropriate use of such a phrase. However, such phrases these days are usually said with the intent of making the recipient feel wrong or bad/guilty or stupid about whatever it is that they just expressed. You can't be sorry for something that I feel. Only I can be sorry for something that I feel. Just like, you can't be sorry for something that I said or did. Only I can be sorry for things that I say or do. Such statements are also sometimes a perfect expression of the speaker's refusal to accept responsibility for their actions, about which you have expressed your thoughts or feelings. Am I the only one who becomes incensed at the use of these types of statements? How sad for you. I'm really sorry that you feel that way. :p;)
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