Author fixious Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 I am in the military and have to make this move. Right now I feel as though she wants to make this work but it is impossible in her eyes right now. This huge mountain neither of us wanted, both of us have is waiting to be climbed or avoided. She doesn't want a counselor for us right now but a counselor to tell her that moving with me is the right thing to do. These are the baby steps I forced us to take and I am still unsure as to our future and the luxury of reassurance I once had is now gone.
2sure Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I really feel for you, I have been reading your posts and thinking back to my feelings when my new husband cheated on me. You ask several times - "How long? " - until you see a change. From reading, it sounds like it is two years to recovery. I dont know how true that is. That seems a very long time. Your marriage is not ever going to be the same. With time, your wife will forgive you, even trust you again. But things arte not going to be exactly the same ever again. She is mourning this loss. You havent been married long, so your marriage will grow and improve - but still, this is a turning point. And its so soon - you dont have the foundation of a long marriage to lean on. Its been a year for me and I still mourn the loss of something I cant quite put my finger on. Things are very good, dont get me wrong. I feel that honeymoon phase of our marriage, during which a bond strong enough to endure future crisis, should have been built - was shaken. Needlessly. Anyway - I think this is important to: My husband and I talked about his cheating being 10% or a small part of our life. The other 90% was very good. Together, we decided that the 90% was worth improving the 10%. It was a mistake, no one is perfect. You are forgivable. Remember that. The other side of your mistake is that she cannot hold this over your head indefinitely. Daily punishment is NOT working towards improving that 10%. In fact, you may help her (Im going to get blasted here) if you tell her that if she really feels she may not be able to forgive you, then you both need to move on. You have to move forward together. Often, the BS is the only one suffering consequences and making the emotional effort . That doesnt work anymore than the WS begging for forgiveness that is no where in sight.
Author fixious Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 How does my wife get to a point where she feels that not everything is ruined. I know there will always be a piece of our marriage missing but I'm at a loss. We are currently in counseling. I want her to be happy again, I know she loves me, she still tells me that. She just feels she is crushed either way, if she stays or if she decides to leave me. Thanks
JamesM Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 How does my wife get to a point where she feels that not everything is ruined. I know there will always be a piece of our marriage missing but I'm at a loss. We are currently in counseling. Time will tell. Crazy cliche but in this case so true. Having been friends with a girl whose husband cheated on her three plus years ago, I can say that she still thinks of it at times. However, she has forgiven him but can never completely forget the affair. In your case, you do not have a lot of years married behind you. This IMO is to your disadvantage. She has very little good history with you. She had high hopes of a great marriage with you and that perfect family. Here after only a few months it has been blown up. The question is how can you do it, but will you be ABLE to do it? I want her to be happy again, I know she loves me, she still tells me that. She just feels she is crushed either way, if she stays or if she decides to leave me. Thanks Love is a feeling and a commitment. Her biggest concern is can YOU be committed to her? She has feelings for you, but if she decides to recommit to you will it bring more hurt down the road, or will this be it? It may be five years from now instead of five months, but the question is...is she better off divorcing you today and beginning over (instead of divorcing years from now with even more pain), or will she be happy with you for a lifetime? You can never forget (although I am sure you will) that she has lost all trust for you. It is not just a simple "I forgive you" and we live happily ever after. Only time will tell. And you must show every minute that you will be trustworthy.
Author fixious Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 She has said more than once and in front of our counselor that she still does trust me which seems a little premature despite the emotional roller coaster, regardless her stance hasn't changed on that front. I know what people say about time. Right now she is hurt, crushed, feels alone, stranger in our own home and the one that hurts her and I, is she was betrayed by her best friend. Is time and counseling the only thing I can do to improve our relationship. I understand it needs to be at her pace.
Author fixious Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Things are better between us. We have moved and we are getting there. I'm hopeful and it seems we have went through the worst that I've put us in. Thank you all for your input and suggestions. It's a mountain we are climbing but we ARE climbing and that is all I can ask. Thanks again.
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Your wife needs: no excuses (drinking, lonely, depressed, I don't know why I did it) You say. I was weak and betrayed your love and our vows. I will spend the rest of my life if necessary trying to restore your faith and love in me. I accept any and all responsibility for what I have done. None of this was your fault. I love you and deserve anything you say to me. I will forever seek your forgiveness. There will be triggers. So don't rent movies that have infidelity or cheating in them. Don't play cheating country song music. you need to watch her demeanor and her face. When she looks like she is thinking about it. Go to her, tell her you love her, and ask her forgiveness. (don't say your sorry, because that is you taking control. Asking forgiveness gives control to her). Repeat this as long as it is necessary. Months or years. Never say to her "I wish you would just get over it". You take her heat and do not respond to her in anger. You need to be patient with her. She needs to heal at her speed. If you do any of the no nos I just mentioned. Be prepared that you will reopen the wound and go right back to the start.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Don't play cheating country song music. Is there any other kind ? Fixious, glad to hear it's going well for you. Keep us posted as it's nice to hear the success stories... Mr. Lucky
fairytalegurl Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 This is a hard one here and honestly there isn't going to be a solid answer that any of us can provide you. When I found out that my husband had cheated my initial reaction was to leave him but I stayed and it wasn't easy, but the trust factor is what initially destroyed us. Everytime he said he was going somewhere if he didn't come back in time my thoughts were always "he's out cheating again" or if he didn't answer his phone right away when I called. Counseling could be the magic key that helps you all survive. Unlike in my situation he refused to go to counseling. You definitely need to give her a reason why you cheated and sometimes in counseling you can find the courage to say it out loud. A lot of times as women we assume that a man cheats mainly for sex and often times that's not the case at all. Good luck with your marriage. I truly hope things work out for you.
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