fixious Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I made a huge mistake and I love my wife. We've only been married for 5 months. While out of town I cheated. I can't think of any reasons why as my life was perfect before. I stopped it from continuing after 5 minutes but it was 5 minutes too late. I was drinking heavily and didn't consider anything but the moment. It was meaninless and emotionless but nonetheless it did happen. I couldn't hold the lie in as I was feeling extremely guility and against advice from a friend I confessed upon my return and my life has been in havoc ever since. She is in a state of anger, disbelief and lost, just like me. I love my wife and she has agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. We are scheduled to move and purchase a new home in a different state in about a month. I hold onto hope but knowing I hurt her and the state she is in makes it exponentionally worse. I hate knowing that I can't really help her because I the one who caused it. I understand that I made a huge, hopefully recoverable mistake but am looking for any advice you have. thank you.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 While out of town I cheated. I can't think of any reasons why as my life was perfect before. I don't think "I can't tell you why" is what a betrayed spouse wants to hear, simply because it implies that it could happen again for the same "no reason". Two things you need to do ASAP: 1). Make your life totally transparent to her so she can begin to trust you again. 2). Start doing the work in counseling to understand why you betrayed your "perfect" marriage. Understanding the process and reasons that led you to that 5 minutes will help both of you. You have much work ahead of you and probably less than an even money chance of succeeding. I wish you well and keep posting... Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Yup, telling her you don't know why it happened won't fly. There has to be a reason. It has nothing to do with your marriage, or your wife, it is all about you and something you wanted to do, or allowed to happen. Even though you stopped it from continuing, you still put yourself in a stupid situation by drinking and being alone with another woman. Do counselling, find out what is missing INSIDE of you - Go from there. Make sure the counsellor is the same person who does marriage counselling and BEG your wife to go with you so you two can do MC together. Good luck.
tallyho Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Your mistake was telling her. Never, ever fess up. It only eases your conscience, but ruins her life. If you truly never want it to happen again, then learn from it and go on.
Author fixious Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 That's helpful. Cold hard truth is exactly what I need. I ache for hurting her so much and I still want to believe that there is hope. Our Marriage counseling is tomorrow. I went and got tested prior to sleeping with her and then I told her the truth so there is no worry for her on the part of STD's. I still can't imagine why and I keep asking myself and looking for a reason but it's not clear. All I have is the moment, the alcohol. I wouldn't ever think I could commit this awful act and I still don't, im dumbfounded, but I couldn't deny it happened and look her in the eye. Thanks for your advice.
Author fixious Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Went to counselor, opened up alot of doors and saw things in a different perspective. Reaction after was better than it was going into it on both our parts. I see hope but also uncertainity as one would expect. We will continue to seek out the help of our counselor as we effort to climb this mountain. What do I need to do at this point..Thanks for your input.
jmargel Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Give her the security she needs now. Listen to her. Don't give excuses or justifications on why it happened.. Actions speak louder than words. You can say all you want but it's meaningless until she sees and believes it in you again.
Owl Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 STOP DRINKING!!! Clearly you make poor judgements when you do so. Beyond that, all the advice you've been given about rebuilding trust, being an "open book", and providing security to your wife are all on the money.
Author fixious Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 I know we have a long road ahead of us, I just hope there is a road there. How long before I see results. Right now it seems were so distant. Not sleeping in same bed, not talking really throughout the day, ackwardness. I want to do anything, everything I can to help her through this but I don't want to come off like yup they nailed my problem on the dot, this is what I'm going to do to fix it, now your the only one with the problem. I want to help her as much as I can and I don't expect immediate results. I hate myself for what I did but I don't want her to bottle this up and then one day, explode. I love her and I know she loves me but I know she is apprehensive about letting me back in, it's only been a week since I confessed. Thanks for your advice.
JamesM Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Uh, I am confused. You said you stopped "it" after five minutes, yet you were checked for STDs. So you stopped while in the process of intercourse? Did you actually begin intercourse five minutes after you chose to cheat with a woman? Or in your mind, the cheating did not happen until the intercourse began? And was this a woman you never met? The point has been made....too much alcohol makes one forget his commitment.
Author fixious Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 Yes I stopped it, but it did happen and I was at risk. I knew my wife would want to have intercourse with me upon my return. I couldn't bear to do that. I confessed prior to having intercourse with my wife.
soserious1 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 You've only been married 5 months and already you've cheated? Your wife is either a saint or a fool to agree to marriage counseling, personally I'd invest my buck in a divorce lawyer and be looking into an annullment if I were her.
jmargel Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 soserious.. really what does your post offer to this person? He's looking for advice not for people to bash him. Although it shouldn't have happened to begin with at least he was honest with her right away. Majority of the cheating spouses do end up sleeping with their spouses after without telling them about their cheating. Passing on STDs, etc.. Fixious, you need to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. After you make the appointment, tell her this. Tell her that you are going for yourself and if she wants she is more than welcome to join. This is action, not just words. Also tell her that when she's ready to talk, you will be there to listen. You have to reassure her with actions that this isn't the real you in what you have done. How long were you with her before you got married?
Author fixious Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 We were together for 2 and half years before getting married. It was her idea to attend marriage counseling and we've had two sessions, with the latest being yesterday. We will be moving in about three weeks, closing on a new home next week. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing her to go, I want her to go for the right reasons, us...and in an attempt to help us get back what I've casused us to lose. She has immense hurdles in front of her. She will be moving away from her friends and family and I know I've backed her into a corner. What can I say, do. Thanks.
Al_Bundy Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Your mistake was telling her. Never, ever fess up. It only eases your conscience, but ruins her life. If you truly never want it to happen again, then learn from it and go on. I disagree. If he doesn't have any consequences to his actions, he could, and probably will, repeat his actions at some point in the future if the opportune moment arose. That and cheating and not telling is lying. And if there is that kind of lying in a relationship(aside from the little white lies like "no honey, you're hips don't look big in that dress), then there wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. Now that she knows, I think he'll be on the straight and narrow.
Author fixious Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Should I suggest she stay back while I move and ask her to continue counseling, as I will do, and come back to me when she is ready. Thoughts...
JamesM Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Should I suggest she stay back while I move and ask her to continue counseling, as I will do, and come back to me when she is ready. Thoughts... First of all, she may NOT come back. I can pretty much guarantee that her confidants are telling her to leave you, because if you cheated after only five months, what will happen after five years when you have forgotten this pain...and you will. While some may say this is the honeymoon phase of marriage, I disagree. It is the harder part, but in a few years, your marriage will get "boring." Then what? SO my question is...why should she want to be with you, and why do you think you really want to save this marriage? My suggestion is to let HER decide how this is going. Making suggestions is one thing, but be certain she is the one who is deciding. She needs to know that it was her decision to continue this marriage. I have a friend whose husband cheated on her after fifteen years of marriage. This happened more than three years ago. She told me just the other day that hardly a day goes by that she does not have something remind her of that affair. Yes, she has forgiven him, but yet that betrayal cannot be forgotten. And yes, he is a great husband, and she does not regret reconciliation, but that affair has forever scarred what could have been. You will have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will be 100% trustworthy. Even then I think it is a 50-50 if this marriage will survive. And I am usually optimistic about this. BTW, I am with the ones who say you should not told her of this whole affair. However, I also think you could not have lived with the guilt. Others may have. As Al said, now maybe the two of you can either get on the straight and narrow, or you can both move on.
Author fixious Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 I know it may be different for each individual but things are of course ackward between us right now and for good reason. I've hurt the one person, my best friend. Little things we used to do are now non-existent. Text messages, sleeping in same bed, etc... I understand this is part of the process. I completely deserve it. How long before I see changing that can be construed as forward progress towards working on our relationship. I am by no means expecting immediate results, I made this bed. I am lucky, and I will dedicate my life to making her's better.
Al_Bundy Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I will dedicate my life to making her's better. You do realize what that might mean don't you??
Author fixious Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Whats that. In saying that I will do anything I have to do to help her, which in turn, hopefully will strengthen our relationship.
soserious1 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 soserious.. really what does your post offer to this person? He's looking for advice not for people to bash him. Although it shouldn't have happened to begin with at least he was honest with her right away. Majority of the cheating spouses do end up sleeping with their spouses after without telling them about their cheating. Passing on STDs, etc.. Fixious, you need to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. After you make the appointment, tell her this. Tell her that you are going for yourself and if she wants she is more than welcome to join. This is action, not just words. Also tell her that when she's ready to talk, you will be there to listen. You have to reassure her with actions that this isn't the real you in what you have done. How long were you with her before you got married? I'm seriously not trying to bash the OP, my point is that if this type of thing is happening only 5 months into the marriage, perhaps this couple made a grave error in marrying to begin with. As painful as that is, it can very often be reality. Look how dificult it is for people in long term marriages to recover from infidelity,I cannot imagine being just out of the marital starting gate and realising that I'm now going to have to have this in the back of my mind for another 50 or so years. People in long term marriages have a lot of ties that bind as well as many memories of good times as well , history and obligation to balance the pain of the infidelity. These people are newlyweds,They've got no children and have not yet closed on their home. Personally deciding to cut their losses and move on seems a lot kinder on all involved.
Author fixious Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 My wifes emotions are still on a roller coaster which is probably normal. I know she says she doesn't want to leave me but then turn around and feels overwhelmed and that she is still falling in this bottomless pit. Is there a point where I will know what's going to happen, will this pass.. We've been through 3 counselors with the first being by far the best but she got relocated. My wife thinks a female will be better considering the last two have been males and she feels they just don't or can't understand what she is feeling and what I've caused is stressful but necessary and worth it. We will be moving in 11 days and am not sure if my wife will accompany me right off the bat, leaving her social support network and potentially a good counselor if we find one. Your ideas, input, and advice is appreciated. Thanks
Mr. Lucky Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 We will be moving in 11 days and am not sure if my wife will accompany me right off the bat, leaving her social support network and potentially a good counselor if we find one. Your ideas, input, and advice is appreciated. Thanks My input is this: Your affair, strike one You go and she stays behind, strike two Do you really want to try for strike three? I'm not sure why you'd consider a physical separation at this point. If plans have been made, unmake them. Fighting for your marriage should be your first priority... Mr. Lucky
Author fixious Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Fighting for my marriage is my top priority. My legs have been cut as a result of this and my influence has dipped to a extremely low level. I feel as though it is out of my hands. My wife knows her potentially staying behind even for a short while will hurt me but I'm at a loss...
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 My wife knows her potentially staying behind even for a short while will hurt me but I'm at a loss... Then, unless you're in the military and staying behind would mean going AWOL, don't leave. House, job, school, whatever, it will all be there when and if you get your marriage back on track... Mr. Lucky
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