big blue eyes Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I'm so confused. Last weekend I met this really nice guy at a party. We ended up spending 3 days together in my house. He was being really full on calling himself my boyfriend etc. He left mid week and said he would be back at the weekend as he had to go to a different part of the country.. He said he would call me later that day. The day passed and no word from him. By lunch time the next day i decided to send him a message but he didn't reply so i decided to call him. Let me clarify something here, this guy was in my house for 3 days talking about our future and even talking about vacations together in the future.. So anyway, when i called him he said he was in the middle of something and he would call me back.. That night i had a friend around and we ended up getting really drunk... yea you guessed it i called him.. He said he would be back at my house on Saturday but surprise surprise he didn't come.. I'm really hurt by this, i was the one that thought he was coming on too strong and wanted him to leave so now why is he doing this?? I have only just got over a 5 year realtionship and he was the first guy i had liked since.. What is his problem?? Guys, any input from you would be helpful, i just don't understand what he is thinking..
megapositive Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 He has a girlfriend. He's married. He's bipolar and was in a manic state when he met you. He's changed his mind and isn't mature enough to tell you. He's running from the law. Who knows? You'll never know, most likely. Don't contact him again and write it off as an extended one night stand with someone fun to hang with, but obviously immature and probably hiding something.
westrock Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I'm so confused. Last weekend I met this really nice guy at a party. We ended up spending 3 days together in my house. You just met this guy last weekend at a party and then you let him (a stranger) stay 3 days in your house after just meeting him? He doesn't seem like a "really nice guy" to me. This guy sounds more like trouble and someone who would take advantage of good people such as yourself.
Jilly Bean Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 OK, so you picked up a guy at a party, took him home to play house for three days, and now he is ignoring you. I think he saw a very desperate and lonely woman, took full advantage of the easy and available sex, and now has moved on. Yes, he gave you full court press, but he was shrewd enough to see that you needed it, so he played it to win. Honestly, Im very curious to know what is going on inside of you, emotionally and psychologically, that this would seem like a good idea, realistic, proper, safe or healthy?
Author big blue eyes Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Seeing it written down in front of me makes me shudder. In my defence, he pursued me, he was the initiator of everything and it was him to suggested that he would come back again and me like a fool believed him. Yes, he was a complete stranger although we have mutual friends in common. Yes, i am lonely and it has been a while since I had a man in my life as it took me a long time to get over my ex.. I just don't get it why he had to say all these things as i didn't need to hear them, i was happy to call it an extended one night stand.. he was freaking me out by some of the things he was saying. I feel so stupid ;(
Jilly Bean Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Well, I would say you have the right to feel stupid ONLY if you saw nothing wrong with this situation. Clearly this is not the case. I'd venture to say he said all these things to ensure the sex wouldn't stop. He had a few days to kill, and didn't want to blow it for himself. In his defense, he knew that any woman who puts herself in this situation probably isn't too emotionally healthy, but is needy. He was just providing what he perceived you wanted... There's nothing wrong with admitting to being lonely - Im lonely, and most single (and married!) people I know are, at times. But, take this as a learning experience - these types of situations generally won't lead to your desired outcome, so just think twice next time about putting yourself into something like this.
carhill Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 OP, now you know this is an unhealthy way of lessening your loneliness You learned something. Stupid people don't do things like that, right? Now, use what you learned and get out there and share some happiness with folks in a way which is healthy for you. Lastly, don't try to figure out a man's motivations or psyche. Watch his words and actions and resolve them in a way that is healthy for you. In this case, don't expect to hear from him again and resolve to believe that it is a very good thing
Dirk Diggler Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Guys, any input from you would be helpful, i just don't understand what he is thinking.. He manipulated your insecurities. Got an extended version of what he wanted out of the whole thing and that's it. It's not uncommon for women who give it up that quick to have the respect in which they want to follow a one night stand. The whole exit strategy is just a non confrontational way of him telling you to basically get lost. While trying to rationalize such people is futile because whatever his mind was/is telling him was good enough a reason to walk away. Most likely seeing you as being needy, or viewing you as a slut who gives it up like that on a regular basis. (While that may not be true at all). I suppose it gives the perspective that the woman is nothing special as a direct result of not feeling special to such a woman (just another link in the chain), so why even think relationship. You served your intended purpose in the ONS.
Author big blue eyes Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I did think it was wrong. In fact, he asked me to go with him when he was leaving but i said i had my life to get back to and other things to do.. If he thinks i am so needy and a slut then why would he use all his charm and call him my boyfriend so soon.. The thing is that i was the one that was freaking out at how fast it was going. He even suggested he come on vacation with me next month. I do feel stupid for allowing myself to get sucked into his lies. He was the first guy i have liked in a long time and I know i shouldn't have jumped straight into bed with him but it was just the way it happened with alot of alcohol involved. I will learn from my mistakes but i still feel so stupid for allowing a stranger to make me feel this way.
LoveLace Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 No reason to feel stupid. It's not uncommon for guys to say everything they think a women wants to hear, in order to get some. And the more he did it with you, the more you responded in a way that it was working. So he has no idea if you "freaked out", nor did he care, because he got what he wanted in the end. As long as women keep falling for it, he'll keep doing it, so I wouldn't communicate with him anymore if I was you. Chalk it up to some relief of feeling lonely for a couple of days, getting some needs met and try and not let men come over without dating them 1st.
megapositive Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Don't worry about it, it's just another lesson in life. Jilly Bean said it, he played you, that's what players do, they are really good at picking up on someone's vulnerabilities and maximizing them for THEIR benefit, without a single concern for the person they're using. Says a lot about them. No one's picking on you here, just explaining. Realize that this situation does indicate that you're lonely and that's ok. It's good that you were a little freaked by his calling you his gf, inviting himself on your vacation (guess who's money he'd spend there???) and all that. Smart of you! He might've invited you with him when he left to test how far he could take advantage of your apparent lonliness. Who knows what he'd of said if you accepted. I'm betting he would suddenly "remember" why that wouldn't work out after all. And guess what? This incident has proven that you are really moving on from your ex, and ready for dating! Congratulations! Move slow and with caution...
Author big blue eyes Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Thank you guys. It is reassuring to hear your views. I've had my share of one night stands but this seemed different (apart from it lasting 3 nights).. I guess a guy has never had to lie to me before to get what he wants.. I would have been cool with it just being a quick fling but when he was going on about future things i suppose i let myself get a little carried away. I gave him the opportunity to tell me that it was only sex but he didn't reply.. I did miss a call from him on Friday which i returned but he didn't even have the decency to call back. Yes, it also proves that I am getting over my ex, i was badly hurt from that relationship. I must tread more carefully in future.
LoveLace Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Thank you guys. It is reassuring to hear your views. I've had my share of one night stands but this seemed different (apart from it lasting 3 nights).. I guess a guy has never had to lie to me before to get what he wants.. I would have been cool with it just being a quick fling but when he was going on about future things i suppose i let myself get a little carried away. I gave him the opportunity to tell me that it was only sex but he didn't reply.. I did miss a call from him on Friday which i returned but he didn't even have the decency to call back. He likely had it in his head that if he admitted it was "only sex", that he wouldn't get any more...I'd think if it's not really "only sex", a guy would reassure you of that, even then you'd have to hesitate to believe him..the fact that he didn't reply at all, actually says a lot.
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