lostinsc Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 My wife and I are both Military. Over the past 24 months we have been apart 21 of them. Last year while she was in Iraq I began drinking heavily and started getting into message boards and chat rooms that could lead to me “getting together” with another female. After some emailing back and forth the opportunity presented itself that I could go out and have a fling. I could not do it. Even though I was a mess as far as the drinking I could not bring myself to follow through with it. There was nothing more than talk in the emails. No pictures nothing other than talk. I stopped the emailing and never went back into it. I was confronted by her about it when I was deployed this year. She was using my email account and saw incoming emails that pertained to some of the sites I was visiting at that time. When she asked I played it off as spam. My intention was to clear the air about it when I got home and could do it face to face. A few weeks later she brought it up again and I admitted to it and explained everything to her. She was receptive and said that she would forgive me but not be able to just forget it. She never brought it up again and I honestly thought that we had put that behind us. Fast forward to now. She is having what was supposedly an emotional affair with one of the people she works with. She is in a very stressful situation where she is and has become friends with this man and confides almost everything in him. I can partially understand that considering what she has to endure there with the stressors of being in a war zone. Recently I found out about some pictures that she had posted on a website that was very revealing to say the least. I confronted her about it and she said that she never posted anything for anyone. I was trying to give her the room to come out and admit it but it did not work. I had to tell her that I saw the pictures and that I knew who she had posted them for. She said it was a stupid mistake and that she would take them down. She said that she was the one pushing it in that direction and was very confused about what she wants. Eventually she told me that she contacted him again and that they had agreed to just be friends and nothing more. I did not believe this since I had to drag everything else out of her. She says that she has been looking for some things out of me for some time now; mostly an emotional bond. I can admit that I have not been there as I should emotionally. That is something that I have done my best to correct since I have been back home by seeing a counselor on my own. She says that she is broken spiritually, mentally and emotionally. She is very confused, or so she says, about what she wants. She seems to be very indecisive and not able to think about anything most of the time when I talk her. I asked if she was going to put a stop to this when she gets back and she replied “I assume so”. I don’t know how to take that. She does not want to deal with “us” issues; she only wants to have general conversation at this point. When we do it is GREAT! But it’s not that often. I am dying inside to just have good conversation with her but I always seem to digress into the situation at hand. I cannot stop thinking about all of this. She has said that she wants to go to counseling when she returns to work on things with us. But at the same time she keeps in close contact with her “friend”. I am not very comfortable with that but what can I do when she is so many miles away. Am I doing the right thing by just playing the waiting game and seeing what happens when she gets back? I told myself long ago that if I ever was in the situation I would just walk away. Well, it’s not that simple. I love her and care for her too much to do so. But I cannot keep coping with the deception that is being fed to me at this point. I am a big enough person that I can deal with things as they come, as long as it honest, but I cannot deal with the deception that I am getting now. I am really falling apart with this and would like some words of wisdom. Can anyone help me out?
Bryanp Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Hello, Absolute no contact with the OM is a must to have any hope of gaining back your relationship. The problem of being with a person who constantly lies to you is that they have destroyed any credibility that they have. The question that you need to ask yourself is if you truly wish to remain in a marriage where your partner lies to you and forces you to have to question everything they say or do. I wish you luck.
Author lostinsc Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 She doesn't see that right now. I partially understand that. Hopefully when she does return she will get her head clear and see that it cannot go on. I am to the point now where what matters is what happens when she returns, not so much right now. Not that I am opening the door for more to happen but I cannot control another person actions. Until she gets back and I can see her face to face I will not know where this will go. I am thinking (hoping) that this is just a temporary thing from the little she has told me. If she insists in carry it on after returning I will be forced to make a call at that time. I don't see how it could work with him in the picture in any capacity.
Sup Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 She may have already screwed him. Does she seem distant to you? Almost like she's trying to push you away? She's already went further than you ever did, perhaps this is out of revenge on some level...........
Author lostinsc Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 She may have already screwed him. Does she seem distant to you? Almost like she's trying to push you away? She's already went further than you ever did, perhaps this is out of revenge on some level........... She swears that they have not had sexual relations of any kind. She has admitted to everything else that I have brought up to her except that. I don't know if this is true or not. I cannot see her to make that decision and words only go so far right now. I want to believe her but I just can't let it rest that easily. We do talk. When we do it is GREAT! As long as we don't get into anything that pertains to the OM we actually have great conversation. Yesterday after we went back and fourth about this issue we got into talking about school, the house and making time for us at some point every week. It was great to talk like that. I really enjoyed it. But I still have trust issues there since I have had to drag everything else out of her. At points I wonder if its all just a front to buy time. I am so confused about all this. I'm at a loss. I know we will not solve anything with the distance between us but I am very worried about what will come of this when she does return home.
theobserver Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Look you both have your issues being someone that had some issues as mentioned in the beginning of the post you were no matter how you like to word it cruising for for p*ssy (Yes I'm going to put it bluntly) most likely due to the lonelinest with her being gone in Iraq (this may not be the reason at all but what I suspect) , however you stopped before it got serious that's good. However you did not tell your wife what really happened here , this slight guilt of your actions back then effects you walking away or making a decision to sort things out with your wife because you feel "well maybe she's just feeling the way I did... oh god I hope not" Maybe it's time you open up about how you felt back then because if there's not some honesty right here and right now you're both heading into divorce territory if not already, throw deployment at anytime into the mix and you've got a stressful relationship that needs honesty and trust. Ok Now let's get onto your Wife. Things are dangerous right now, listen I'm a man and your a man you know for a fact no Man wants to hear any complaints and nagging from any woman and if/when we do it's because we are expecting something out of it in the long run. Unless he's getting paid $80 an hour to listen to your wife list her problems we know exactly what he's up to and is just waiting for the right moment to get in her pants if he hasn't already. ( Message to all women, never tell a guy your problems with your man, because you've just given him all the information he knows to get your guard down and see him as a potential mate if you didn't have the thoughts already. ) I'm not saying you can't have the odd talk with a friend of the opposite sex, that's fine but I think we both know when it's going too far when another man knows more about your issues then your spouse. If your wife is defending her "friend" then something is up, if she's looking for things to be "ok" again then she should be doing everything to allow you to let out your stress and anger and get some answers. She should have no reason to defend him. A good test is to ask her to invite him over to dinner with both of you. Tell him to bring a "date" or a friend. Her reaction to this will speak wonders, if he truely is a friend then it shouldn't be an issue you can easily reassure her you just want to get to know him. If she refuses then I would be prepared to check out of this relationship sort your assets and file the papers.
Sup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 The post above is Good! I want you to know Lostinsc, that cheaters do lie, control and manipulate, they lie lie lie! They use a tactic know as Damage Control, cheaters will only give a certain portion of the facts, yet, they'll omit certain details Ex: Lady says, yeah, we kissed only once, and it wasn't very good, when in fact she rode the OM like a bucking bronco at a rodeo! Even if she did admit to saying that they slept together, and admitting that the sex was bad, or they don't remember, RRIIIGHT! That means the sex was totally mind blowing, they best they ever had! Are you seeing the possible mind manipulation in which cheaters use? Now these of course are just examples, but, I think you see where I'm going! Oh, I'm not saying she's been banging away with someone else, no, I've never said that, but, I do hope she hasn't! Point is, just keep an eye out for any strange signs. Even something simple in some cases can speak volumes! I'm sure others on here can elaborate better than I can..........
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