smithbrain Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 My mum died when I was 8.5 and for a while my dad blamed me for her death then he eventually stopped blaming me and just ignored me and kept himself busy with his work. He eventually stopped doing this as well and realized his mistake and to his credit he tried to rectify his mistakes and reach out to me but I just put on a smile in front of him and pretended everything was ok but in reality by then I learnt how to make myself hard, numb and selfish to a point where I couldn’t feel anything for anyone I remember there was a park where mum used to take me before she died where all the other kids in my school used to come to play and after she died I used to go there and see the other kids there and it burned me up with jealousy inside Luckily I grew up in a small town and I met a girl who was my girlfriend, my best friend my soul mate until I ended it. Anyway I always found solace and comfort in her arms but I never opened up to her I just pretended everything was fine. Every time after we made love I would find an excuse to just get up and leave because I was scared that she may figure out that I was emotionally distressed. After high school fortunately I had good enough marks to get into MIT. So one day I decided that I was going to end it with her but I will not tell her I would let her find out on her own and to stop myself from thinking too much about her I burned all the memories I had of me and her together presents, love letters, everything. While I was studying there me and 2 other friends founded a small engineering firm and thankfully with time our business grew. During my studies I always made excuses after excuses not to visit home as I didn’t feel anything for my dad. Anyway after graduating I decided to visit dad and being a small town a friend of mine told me that she become pregnant with my child after I left and that I have a daughter. At first I didn’t want to believe it I dismissed what he said by saying it was not my child then he said “if you don’t believe me go ask your dad about her. He financially supports the mother and the baby. They also visit him every weekend”. On Saturday I told my dad that I was going back and left early in the morning. I went to a friend’s house and stayed there until about 11:30 Then I decided to go back and confront them both. I had the keys to the house and I found them all in the back yard. I told my dad what my friend had told me and asked him if it was true. To my utter surprise he didn’t even try to hide it. He just said if you don’t believe this is your child then have a look at her eyes. At this point I was very angry and I didn’t want to believe that she was mine. But as I looked into her eyes all the anger I felt just vanished and for the first time in my life I really and sincerely felt ashamed of myself. When I left she e-mailed me but I deleted her e-mails without reading them she wrote letters to me I returned her letters without opening them and now she was the mother of my baby. For the first time in my life I was lost for words I just approached her and got down on my knees took her hands looked her in the eyes and said “Please forgive me because I can never forgive myself”. For the past 5-6 years I cared for nothing but making money. But now all my money seems useless to me. I have thought about going to Jerusalem to ask GOD for forgiveness. All I want to do now is be with her again and redeem myself for not being their for my daughter. Where do I start? How do I go about gaining her trust again? How do I let go of the horrid memories and deamons of my childhood?
OpenBook Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 For the past 5-6 years I cared for nothing but making money. But now all my money seems useless to me. I have thought about going to Jerusalem to ask GOD for forgiveness. All I want to do now is be with her again and redeem myself for not being their for my daughter. Where do I start? How do I go about gaining her trust again? How do I let go of the horrid memories and deamons of my childhood? By breaking the cycle!! Don't repeat history, and visit the sins of your father upon your own offspring. Don't make them suffer the same fate you did. Your father learned his lesson, but unfortunately it was too late with you. Don't let the same thing happen to your daughter!! You've been given an incredible gift - a second chance. Make your daughter the top priority in your life - over money, over your career, over everything. Just love her, and be there for her! Let your Dad help you with this. Your story is so compelling, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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