symba Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Sorry so long...my ex and I broke up in the beginning of June we were torther for two years. He was deployed for his job overseas for 2 months (Feb-beginning of May) and when he came back, things were not the same and I ended up moving out. The only contact I made was a card letting him know I was there for him, because I read a bunch of info on PTSD( Post traumatic stress disorder) and I didn't want him to think he didn't have anyone to talk to even though he basically shunned me and wanted nothing to do with me when he got home. He never responded to it. In July I realized there were some of my things were still there and I emailed him and said I will be more than happy to give you a fed-ex number to ship it and you won't have to pay for anything or you can let me know when it's all ready and I can make arrangements to have it picked up. NO RESPONSE. Sept. 1 I get an email from him saying sorry it took so long to reply. Wasn't ready to communicate with you. I just left again and I'm away until mid october, if you need your things before then let me know and I can make arrangements to have them given to you. Ok, well he could have gotten my things together before he left because I asked for them months ago and tried to make it as easy as possible for him but he wouldn't budge. I wrote back and said I would like to be able to see you when you get back, if that is not possible, and you want me to get my things while you are gone, I respect that and please let me know when my things are ready to be picked up....NO RESPONSE again. SO, yesterday I am watching the news and the hotel he was at while he was overseas the last time was bombed with at least 40 people dead...it is the most secure hotel in Pakistan but this still happened. I freaked out (Mind you all I know is he left again, but he didn't tell me where he was) and sent him and his best friend a text. Well he never wrote me back, but his best friend did and let me know that he is not there and he is in a safer place than he was before. While that made me feel better, I guess I expected a response from him just letting me know he is ok. I am still in love with him, and I don't know what the right thing is to do. He has been ignoring me with the exception of the email on sept 1. When I do contact him, I'm not sappy telling him I love him and can't love without him. I don't understand how he can say You are all I ever wanted and then completely act like I never existed. Where is all this hate coming from?? Can anyone help, please???
lofi_tokyo Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Heya Symba To be honest, your situation is really out of my league... but its late tonight, and I figured the people with good replies won't be on for a while... so I could keep you company and chat for a bit? Wanna talk about it more just like... by posting more about how you feel? Maybe help if you rant a bit, but I really don't know.
johndoe0701 Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Have to ask the question of how your communications were with him when he was gone for the 2 months. Was it a surprise that he changed when he got home or did you see it coming? Not to down play PTSD, but depending on what he was doing overseas, most cases take longer than 2 months to fester. However, trauma in any case can cause it. Did he mention PTSD to you or is this your best guess as to what is going on? I have my inclinations...... Johndoe
Author symba Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Hey Johndoe...that is the ironic thing we talked everyday twice a day while he was gone. I am guessing about the PTSD...he would never admit even if he thought there was something wrong... I asked if he cheated, of course he said no, but I don't understand what's going on...
Island Girl Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Hi Symba How did he act when he got back? How were things when you were together. I believe there may be some indications there - especially if you taked twice a day and everything was normal up until then. BTW I suffer from PTSD.
Author symba Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Islandgirl...thanks for replying. He was VERY distant when he got back. This was someone who couldn't keep his hands off me, and as soon as he got back...VERY different and emotionally detached.
Island Girl Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 But up to the day before he talked to you twice a day and was completely normal? That is pretty bizarre. He may be very much in need for some counseling. Did you speak to his family after he got back and you guys were still together? I am just wondering if anyone else has seen this behavior. Maybe his mom? It is the truth that often we hurt those closest to us. Possibly the lack of response is a backwards way of NOT letting you go. His statement that he wasn't ready to talk before indicates he hurts over your break up. My husband and I had a miscommunication that we ended fighting over for over 2 months -- and it was I who misunderstood what he was saying. I ended up feeling we may be at risk and wanted verification that it was not the case. i.e. "do you still love me...?!" yadda yadda On his side he was immediately angry that I would call his love or commitment to me into question. His reaction was "this again!" or "I have to go"(over the phone) - yadda yadda Which then did nothing to allay my fears(my fear reaction is it pushes me away) and in fact added to them. I just wonder if you both really still do care about each other.
Author symba Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Island girl...I guess I never looked at it like that, and maybe it is kind of backwards. I did talk to his mom, but it was already after the fact, she told me to just let him be and when and if he wants to talk about things he will in his own time...she had to learn that the hard way. I never pushed him away and actually just made it clear that I am here for him regardless of the situation. Glad that you and your husband got to the root of the problem...and talked through it. Watching the news this morning, seeing the pictures from Pakistan, and knowing he was there just a few months ago REALLY hit close to home. I just wish I could get in touch with him, but there is only so much I can do...and his actions are making it clear how he wants things to be....
Island Girl Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Hey girl Well I always think it doesn't matter what they think. It matters that I have to say what I feel because if it makes any difference at all and I have my chance at happiness I would never want to have that haunted by an "I wonder what would have happened if..." But some are not like that. yeah -- My husband, when he gets jealous or angry, shuts off and if pushed can be ridiculous at pushing my buttons. Once I blow up though it is confessed the REAL reason he is acting like a baby. When I flew there to marry him we hadn't seen each other for 3 years. It was fantastic for the entire 3 weeks I was there -- until the day before I left. He ignored me the entire day and when he did acknowledge what I said he was a complete DICK. Finally at the end of the day -- we were sitting on our patio and I said "I know you don't want me to leave. That is why you acted the way you did today, isn't it?" When he agreed he was very vulnerable - and he is not used to that. So I told him I understand that he is frustrated and upset but taking it out on me like that is hurtful to me and he is expressing himself like child would instead of just talking to me. And yes during the time period previously stated: It was and has been a trust issue for him to make himself so completely open and dedicated. We are both each other's first love. When it was called into question "What is it? do you not want to be married anymore...?!" It was a hard time for him and he just didn't have it in him to keep reassuring me of something that he had given me no reason to doubt in the first place. He never brought up divorce or our marriage being broken. It was me. from a single misinterpretation taken immediately too far that just kept going on and on for almost 3 months straight. Yuck. Thankfully one heart to heart conversation with my head on straight fixed it. I guess what I am saying is sometimes things can get off track and that train can go pretty fast. But in the end - if what you want is him and you love him - then you need to let him know that. He may be feeling the same way but like his wife walked out on him. And if he is needing time to get over you then he still loves you. I disagree with his mother. The no contact thing you have been doing could also be interpreted as you don't care at all. Not even the slightest. It seems your communication has been only the barest of necessities like your things , etc. and 'I'll always be here fore you' in whatever words you'd like kind of sounds like a brush off -- "I'll always love you but I am not IN love with you". That is what my husband would hear. Like when I said "do you want a divorce?!" with complete anxiety in my voice and his response would be "I don't care! Do want you want to do!" Hearing that I really thought it has to be over -- and that is what he wants -- but it wasn't at all.
Gere51 Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Can I ask who broke it off, or was it mutual? I'm going through something similar in that when I cut off all contact with my ex she continued to text wanting to know if I were ok, she was worried, etc. I never responded but since she broke it off I don't feel as if I owe her anything. In your case, he may have some hard feelings toward you for whatever reason. If he broke it off, or if it were mutual I would not be able to understand why he wouldn't respond.
Author symba Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Hey Gere51...He is actually the one that broke it off. I'm not so sure you owe her anything at this point either...I'm sure she is worried and cares, but at the same time you need time to heal and she should respect that. In my case, I have no clue what is going on, and I guess I am learning to accept it...not happy with it, but I'm not the stalker type so there is no other option than to just live right now and try to be happy (notice the word try....)
Gere51 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Hi Symba, if he's the one that broke it off you probably should just leave him alone for a while. When my ex broke it off with me I didn't call, text or email her, or initiated any contact. First six weeks I was hoping it would turn around and was responding, but I finally just stopped. Yes, once they end things it contact should cease. Just stay strong and if he wants to talk to you he will make the effort. I'm sorry you are hurting over this from having been there before.
Author symba Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Hey Gere51...good points. He emailed me today to let me know he is ok and he didn't have access to any communication and couldn't answer until today. On one hand I was glad to hear from him...on the other he replied from the email that I told him if he wanted me to get my things while he is gone, I understand and just to let me know when it is all ready. Not once was it brought up again...so who knows and at this point it is just stuff....and I can get new, right???
Gere51 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Yes, material things can always be replaced. If it were me I would back off for a while and see if he initiates contact with you. Sounds like he's dealing with some sort of internal conflict. I've always been of the opinion that if someone wants to talk to you they'll make every effort to do so.
Author symba Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Gere...you are 100% right. It's on him now, out of my hands and whatever happens, happens.
Gere51 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Remember, don't waste your time and effort on someone that doesn't want to be with you. If he really does come around, he'll let you know. In any case, I hope it works out for you.
Tower233 Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 In my experience getting over a relationship or even dealing with breakup is very difficult as you know. Often it takes a lot of resentment, anger and blame to convince yourself to move on. I'm sure it's not easy for either of you but it sounds as if he has a lot of resentment at this point. As I'm sure you know there is no way to reason with emotion especially when your involved. I'm sure that I didn't help you at all but I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to. K
Author symba Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Tower, even if u would have said one sentence it would have mattered, so thank you for being there...I really appreciate it!
Author symba Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Gere51, thanks and same goes for u. Sad part about this is that if anyone needs someone to talk to, I'm here and very good at giving others advice...just can't do it right for myself, LOL.
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