crushed... where are all the nice guys?

[cheatedongirl76]

My boyfriend of nearly four years who I am so in love with dumped me. He has been pretty harsh, no contact, I am just DUMPED and that's it, like I am nothing. He fed me some line about how he's not able to be in a relationship with anyone right now. Now I think about it I'm pretty sure he was cheating and found someone else. He cheated before and I stupidly took him back, all he signs were there again. Hence the login name. I feel mostly angry.

 

I have started dating again and its a disaster. The first guy seemed really into me, we didn't have sex but kissed and have chatted loads and made all these plans to go away on a holiday etc. I have known him for years and he has always flirted with me but for whatever reason I was never able to take him up on it until now. When I first saw him he said he had been seeing some girl but he said it was basically over and he was going to break it off immediately...but then one day he came around to my house and announced he was moving in with this other girl(?) and ditched me saying "sorry I didn't mean to lead you on". Sorry but your tongue down my throat was kind of misleading?! I felt upset but again mostly angry.

 

So moving on... I started dating a new guy who had really been massively into me when I wasn't available (bc I was in a relationship and being faithful to my cheating jerk ex). This time I found I was so really into him and really started to hope for something to happen between us. When we first go together he had been seeing someone else casually but he was single and wanted to go out with me to see if he still felt the same. I was quite wary about it and was quite careful to make sure he was truly single and available and he gave me his word. After a couple of dates we have sex which was amazing but he was acting a bit weird and not his usual self. Then last night we go out and he is acting aloof and standoffish.. I check out my feelings with him to make sure I'm not being paranoid...and he says he doesn't want a relationship, is worried about "leading me on" and doesn't know if he is able to be in a relationship right now. When I ask him about it he confesses he is still seeing this other person "casually", whatever that means?

 

This time I feel absolutely crushed. It's like there is a pattern here, three men all treating me the same, even saying the exact same things to me?? I feel so rejected. How is it I can't find a good relationship, when all my friends are coupled up, many married by now? Friends + family say I'm hot and nice and funny, I don't get it? I'm 32 so I'm clear that I would like a relationship but I am not at all a bunny boiler or psycho etc. The only link I can see is that in each case there was a reason to be suspicious and perhaps I was too trusting. But I think its only fair to give a person the benefit of the doubt if they promise and swear its all above board surely? It takes a pretty nasty two-faced person to be all loving to your face and then go behind your back like these guys did to me? I don't want to be an overly paranoid person or one of these women who thinks men are such b*stards or unfaithful weak cowards. Am I just being too naieve? I just wish all these women weren't stealing men away from me and I could meet someone nice, where are all the nice guys?! Probably at home crying after being hurt some b*stard girl!!

[WiseOne1]

Where are all the nice guys??

 

We'll there all around you, mostly 95% of guys on loveshack are nice guys. And us niceguys ask where are all the nice girls?

 

And really you right, Most of the nice guys are somewhere crying over some female that doesnt treat them good. Lol, Just look at the post and threads here on loveshack.

[watermeloncandy]

Where are all the nice guys??

 

We'll there all around you, mostly 95% of guys on loveshack are nice guys. And us niceguys ask where are all the nice girls?

 

And really you right, Most of the nice guys are somewhere crying over some female that doesnt treat them good. Lol, Just look at the post and threads here on loveshack.

 

yeah, but how do you 'find' them?

are all the nice people sitting at home saying 'i've given up and am not going to even bother anymore' so we won't even meet???

or we are so jaded that even if we do meet, we think they are 'all the same' and won't even give each other a chance??

[Island Girl]

you mention a couple of these guys you knew prior to dating you and they were very much into you - then.

 

what gave you that indication? some flirting or things being said to you about your looks, etc.? if so, what types of things? "you look beautiful today" is vastly different from "i want to sex you up".

 

maybe these guys have been attracted to you only on a certain physical level

 

that can be great - that physical attraction can be a great building block but it would be best to have a more lengthy period of time getting to now each other first.

 

it never hurts to prolong the sexual part of the relationship. if he is that into you he'll wait and give your relationship a chance.

[nickelinadime]

Nice guys finish last. It's true.

 

The problem is, most nice guys get put into the friend zone. Life sucks.

[ioncebelieved]

Where are all the nice guys??

 

We'll there all around you, mostly 95% of guys on loveshack are nice guys. And us niceguys ask where are all the nice girls?

 

And really you right, Most of the nice guys are somewhere crying over some female that doesnt treat them good. Lol, Just look at the post and threads here on loveshack.

 

I was going to say on here!!! Because of being nice is why we are here!!! I never want to be classified as a nice guy. Nice guys do finish last. I would rather be viewed as a good or a great guy. Being a nice guy will get you next to nothing.

[westrock]

In the end, nice guys actually finish first.

 

You need to look in different places. Try something new that you don't normally do... for example, take lessons on some new subject such as golf lessons, cooking lessons, or a photography course.

 

Go hang out at the local museum, local park, bookstore.... any place where there are bound to be guys. When there, make sure you pay attention to any guys who notice you and be open and friendly.

[ate_the_paint]

That's a lot of bull you've been through. It really sucks. As a good guy I can tell you the exact same things happen to us as well.

 

First, you think you know somebody after six years and she turns into a lying cheating skank, so then you date a couple of people and they turn out to be pretty bad...wow, I have the male version of your story, and I'm 32, as well! lol

 

Anyways, I'm so sick of North American women and all the issues they have. I guess I'm generalizing here. Where are all the nice girls?

[D-Lish]

here's the pattern I notice...

 

You have no problems attracting men in the initial stages- it's something that happens after that might be what you want to look at.

 

You mentioned you were cheated on- but then got involved with the next two guys that both admitted to being entangled with other women. I'm not sure if that's a coincidence or not... but it's happened twice in a row.

 

If you go out a couple times- are you asking them too early how they feel? In my experience, asking men what there intentions are usually conjur up images of marriage and babies and long term committment- and that becomes pressure- even though you mean well!

 

I never ask a man how they feel, I wait for them to make it clear to me they want to be in a relationship with me. I know my last ex said he was so relieved that I didn't try and solicit answers from him he wasn't ready to give. The truth is, these guys could have turned into something longterm if a different approach was used. More fun and light hearted dating- without the pressure of talks about feelings too soon.

 

For me- I had too look into the patterns that were re-occuring that were making it difficult to keep someone around for more than a couple months. One of my problems was being to eager to know how they felt about me and where they thought things were going. I stopped doing this a long time ago when I saw that I was giving off a needy vibe.

 

SO, look into some of the continuous patterns- what usually happens immediately before the guy says he isn't ready for a relationship- or decides he is into someone else?

 

make a list- study it... get to know your behaviour and some common links.

 

We can learn from our mistakes and make dating more fruitful simply by understanding what it is we are doing.

 

Maybe it's choosing the same "type" of guys over and over... but it could be something else.

 

SO list some things that might be helpful to understanding why this is happening.

 

I got great advice from a few dating books (some of it is crap- but not all of it). The best advice I got was that if a man asked me what I thought about marriage.... My response has always been aloof, "I don't really think about it much... i suppose if I ever was to get married, he's have to be a pretty special guy"... boom- you've planted a seed that a guy is going to have to work for you to gain your love and approval... and every guy I have answered this has gone out of his way to impress and woo me.

 

So make a list of the commonalities....and let's see it.

[WiseOne1]

yeah, but how do you 'find' them?

are all the nice people sitting at home saying 'i've given up and am not going to even bother anymore' so we won't even meet???

or we are so jaded that even if we do meet, we think they are 'all the same' and won't even give each other a chance??

 

Nice guys do finish last. Theres nothing good at all about being a nice guy. Women seem to want the jerk, there more likely to go for someone who'll call them a b***** than someone who will call them beautiful.

And I dont believe most jerks are orginally jerks, there mostly nice guys that turned jerks, because it works! Thats what sells! But some women say they want a niceguy, but they only end up wanting someone who will treat them like trash.

 

Its true in the end nice guys finish first......BUT its normally when the women has had 40 sex partners or 23 children.

 

Also Also Also -------------

 

So do some guys, some guys love Jezebel's! Almost everyguy here on LoveShack is here because they love a no good female.

"I was one of them" Most of us are here and actually trying and wishing we can get back with a female that treated us like ****.

 

We want to know where all the good females are!!!!!!! But most of them are turning lesbian. Or turning bad because of some many guys have treated them badly.

 

So where can you find these nice guys??? Its Easy, the only thing you need to do is seperate the way a jerk approaches you in the beginning stages, and the way a nice guy approaches you in the beginning stages.

[D-Lish]

I think sometimes we want to reconcile with people who have treated us incorrectly because it makes us feel like WE are the problem, and feel an inherent need to fix it.

 

It's also not unusual to date someone who is on their best "nice guy" behaviour for a couple months, then turn into a jerk when he has you. Many people will stay with this person because they are still holding on to the person we first met- the Nice Guy that treated us well and pursued us heavily... made us feel wanted.

 

You always cling to the person you first meet- but as we all know, it's often a false misrepresentation of who we are on a deeper level. Even "nice guys" have things about them that they won't openly reveal right away. So often , the person we first meet- we idealize them So when they start acting in the complete opposite way... all you can think about is- he's a good person at heart, and have trouble allowing yourself to believe he can be anything else BUT that wonderguy guy that first swept us off our feet.

 

Some people will put up with bad boys because of that, and others won't.

They'll convince themselves it's a phase, or that we ourselves must have caused this person to act like an a.ss. That's why I wait a long time before trusting someone, and I don't get too emotionally invested until I start seeing them on a deeper, more truthful level.

[WiseOne1]

I think sometimes we want to reconcile with people who have treated us incorrectly because it makes us feel like WE are the problem, and feel an inherent need to fix it.

 

It's also not unusual to date someone who is on their best "nice guy" behaviour for a couple months, then turn into a jerk when he has you. Many people will stay with this person because they are still holding on to the person we first met- the Nice Guy that treated us well and pursued us heavily... made us feel wanted.

 

You always cling to the person you first meet- but as we all know, it's often a false misrepresentation of who we are on a deeper level. Even "nice guys" have things about them that they won't openly reveal right away. So often , the person we first meet- we idealize them So when they start acting in the complete opposite way... all you can think about is- he's a good person at heart, and have trouble allowing yourself to believe he can be anything else BUT that wonderguy guy that first swept us off our feet.

 

Some people will put up with bad boys because of that, and others won't.

They'll convince themselves it's a phase, or that we ourselves must have caused this person to act like an a.ss. That's why I wait a long time before trusting someone, and I don't get too emotionally invested until I start seeing them on a deeper, more truthful level.

 

I agree mostly, sometimes women dont know the guys are jerks at first.

 

But......Most of the times women know the risk, and see the risk. We all have been with a ex or someone before that showed us red flags and we ignored them.

 

So sticking to the script is bassically some guys like no good women and some girls like no good men.

To me im completly unbias, because I always win, there never be a thing in life im nto good at, im like Mr. Perfect sometimes.

 

We really cant control what other thinks, if there happy, that thats all that matters.

[watermeloncandy]

my ex was prince charming the first few months of the relationship - my god he was PERFECT! then slowly he started showing his true colours and i became one of those pathetic women who ignored her gut, put her brain on hold and stayed...

how do you know someone is a 'good guy'? you have to wait and invest all this time in them...it may take years to find out their true colours...

and by then you have all this emotional attachment to them...ugh.

is it all really worth it??

is the possibility of finding the right guy worth the possiblity of another heartache??

 

it would be nice if everyone signed a contract at the beginning of the relationship stating that they will never lie, cheat, etc etc and if they do then they can go to jail or something...lol.

maybe if there were some severe consequences to these peoples actions, they might think twice. and we might have more nice people...

[EmperorR]

Everyone Is nice and puts on a act at first, when I first met my girl she was sweet and nice then suddenly she became sensitive and cranky so much.

[stillafool]

I don't know what part of the country you live in but it could be there are too many women and not enough men, thus giving them too many options.

[sunshinegirl]

here's the pattern I notice...

 

You have no problems attracting men in the initial stages- it's something that happens after that might be what you want to look at.

 

You mentioned you were cheated on- but then got involved with the next two guys that both admitted to being entangled with other women. I'm not sure if that's a coincidence or not... but it's happened twice in a row.

 

If you go out a couple times- are you asking them too early how they feel? In my experience, asking men what there intentions are usually conjur up images of marriage and babies and long term committment- and that becomes pressure- even though you mean well!

 

I never ask a man how they feel, I wait for them to make it clear to me they want to be in a relationship with me. I know my last ex said he was so relieved that I didn't try and solicit answers from him he wasn't ready to give. The truth is, these guys could have turned into something longterm if a different approach was used. More fun and light hearted dating- without the pressure of talks about feelings too soon.

 

For me- I had too look into the patterns that were re-occuring that were making it difficult to keep someone around for more than a couple months. One of my problems was being to eager to know how they felt about me and where they thought things were going. I stopped doing this a long time ago when I saw that I was giving off a needy vibe.

 

SO, look into some of the continuous patterns- what usually happens immediately before the guy says he isn't ready for a relationship- or decides he is into someone else?

 

make a list- study it... get to know your behaviour and some common links.

 

We can learn from our mistakes and make dating more fruitful simply by understanding what it is we are doing.

 

Maybe it's choosing the same "type" of guys over and over... but it could be something else.

 

SO list some things that might be helpful to understanding why this is happening.

 

I got great advice from a few dating books (some of it is crap- but not all of it). The best advice I got was that if a man asked me what I thought about marriage.... My response has always been aloof, "I don't really think about it much... i suppose if I ever was to get married, he's have to be a pretty special guy"... boom- you've planted a seed that a guy is going to have to work for you to gain your love and approval... and every guy I have answered this has gone out of his way to impress and woo me.

 

So make a list of the commonalities....and let's see it.

 

I really agree with the bolded part above. I think you will make much bigger strides in finding better guys if you start asking yourself what draws you to these kinds of guys and what flags you are overlooking in the initial stages?

 

As long as your mentality stays in the "poor me, there are no good guys out there!" place, you'll be stuck. You have power to change the choices YOU make and therefore the kinds of men you attract into your life.

 

(Not a judgment - I'm walking the same path and trying to learn what my patterns are and change what I'm doing...my last ex cheated on me...)

[sumdude]

it would be nice if everyone signed a contract at the beginning of the relationship stating that they will never lie, cheat, etc etc and if they do then they can go to jail or something...lol.

 

 

Hey don't they call therm marriage vows? We see how often they go out the window.

 

There are good men out there. Yep, often they've ended up with a woman who ripped 'em up a bit. Then the confidence gets a bit smacked down.. since confidence is attractive to a woman she might not see past that and be attracted to the next guy with all the confidence regardless of her gut instinct about him. The man who presents a challenge, who is unavailable, who doesn't seem to care becomes far more interesting for some reason than the guy who is ready and willing to treat a woman well.

 

Look around you, I guarantee that there's at least couple men you know who have been trying to get your attention for a while. I bet you see tham only as freinds and something is 'missing' in your attraction to them. Give them a second look, you might be surprised.

 

A decent long term relationship has to be built on freindship. The hormonal high only lasts so long and sex is a powerful drug.

[sunshinegirl]

Hey don't they call therm marriage vows? We see how often they go out the window.

 

There are good men out there. Yep, often they've ended up with a woman who ripped 'em up a bit. Then the confidence gets a bit smacked down.. since confidence is attractive to a woman she might not see past that and be attracted to the next guy with all the confidence regardless of her gut instinct about him. The man who presents a challenge, who is unavailable, who doesn't seem to care becomes far more interesting for some reason than the guy who is ready and willing to treat a woman well.

 

Look around you, I guarantee that there's at least couple men you know who have been trying to get your attention for a while. I bet you see tham only as freinds and something is 'missing' in your attraction to them. Give them a second look, you might be surprised.

 

A decent long term relationship has to be built on freindship. The hormonal high only lasts so long and sex is a powerful drug.

 

This is sooo true. I am struggling to be attracted to men who are available. Where's the challenge? Where's the excitement? Ugh. Those are hard patterns to break.

[sumdude]

This is sooo true. I am struggling to be attracted to men who are available. Where's the challenge? Where's the excitement? Ugh. Those are hard patterns to break.

 

We tend to think that anything that comes too easily doesn't have the same value as something we have to struggle for.

 

There has to be some challenge, some tension, no one wants to be bored in a relationship.

 

Funny, it's like watching my roommates cat chase and play with a mouse. One he finally catches the mouse, he gets bored with it and loses interest.

 

Think about the quailites you really want in a mate. Maybe make a list of the things you do want. Then make a list of dealbreakers, things you won't have at all. Then when someone interesting comes along, take your time and when you're not sure check out your list and stick to it.

 

Just remember, the most important thing about a person is their character. That only becomes apparent from watching thier actions... look at what they do, not what they say.

 

I've been through it in my way. They say love is blind, I looked past things because I was 'in love'.. I was burned pretty good. Looking back now I can see the red flags right in front of my eyes that I completely ignored.

[movingonandon]

 

I got great advice from a few dating books (some of it is crap- but not all of it). The best advice I got was that if a man asked me what I thought about marriage.... My response has always been aloof, "I don't really think about it much... i suppose if I ever was to get married, he's have to be a pretty special guy"... boom- you've planted a seed that a guy is going to have to work for you to gain your love and approval... and every guy I have answered this has gone out of his way to impress and woo me.

 

So make a list of the commonalities....and let's see it.

 

um, yeah, i see where yo are coming from, but I personally would never "go out of my way" to impress or woo a woman. It's a two-way street, but unfortunately many women who watch way too much "Sex and the city" do not seem to understand this. You (a generalised "you", not you) are not the center of the universe, and if you do not reciprocate, especially at the initial stages, expressions of reasonable attention and affection, guess what - we move onto the next one! Life is too short to obsess over aloof princess who believes her panties are lined with gold. I hope it is obvious that I don't mean disrespect to women - but I do mean disrespect to the attitude that they should sit on a piedestal and collect affection without putting any reciprocal effort into building things. It takes two to build a relasionship.

[carhill]

OP, take a year off from dating and work on yourself. Build male and female friendships, travel, expand your horizons. A good man will appreciate all those attributes, and, more importantly, you'll be at a healthy state where you recognize that appreciation and interest and not merely bruise him in your zeal to get to another unhealthy (for you) man

[amandaparker503]

D-Lish, you give sound advice , i like you!

Tell me how do we get to thinking like you.

Keep up the good work

[ioncebelieved]

Hey don't they call therm marriage vows? We see how often they go out the window.

 

There are good men out there. Yep, often they've ended up with a woman who ripped 'em up a bit. Then the confidence gets a bit smacked down.. since confidence is attractive to a woman she might not see past that and be attracted to the next guy with all the confidence regardless of her gut instinct about him. The man who presents a challenge, who is unavailable, who doesn't seem to care becomes far more interesting for some reason than the guy who is ready and willing to treat a woman well.

 

Look around you, I guarantee that there's at least couple men you know who have been trying to get your attention for a while. I bet you see tham only as freinds and something is 'missing' in your attraction to them. Give them a second look, you might be surprised.

 

A decent long term relationship has to be built on freindship. The hormonal high only lasts so long and sex is a powerful drug.

 

Sumdude about summed it all up with that post.

[sunshinegirl]

We tend to think that anything that comes too easily doesn't have the same value as something we have to struggle for.

 

There has to be some challenge, some tension, no one wants to be bored in a relationship.

 

Funny, it's like watching my roommates cat chase and play with a mouse. One he finally catches the mouse, he gets bored with it and loses interest.

 

Think about the quailites you really want in a mate. Maybe make a list of the things you do want. Then make a list of dealbreakers, things you won't have at all. Then when someone interesting comes along, take your time and when you're not sure check out your list and stick to it.

 

Just remember, the most important thing about a person is their character. That only becomes apparent from watching thier actions... look at what they do, not what they say.

 

I've been through it in my way. They say love is blind, I looked past things because I was 'in love'.. I was burned pretty good. Looking back now I can see the red flags right in front of my eyes that I completely ignored.

 

In my case, I am certainly learning how to see and heed red flags early - so that even if I am attracted to someone, I am training myself to walk away if the flags are a-wavin' already.

 

What I'm finding much, much harder is feeling attracted at that hormonal, physical level in the guys who DO have great character. I am still 'reading' them as dull/boring. And I'm having trouble figuring out if they actually ARE dull/boring, or if it's me, that I haven't yet rewired my system to want men like that.

[BCCA]

where are all the nice guys?!

 

Me personally, I'm realizing that being a nice guy usually leads to being taken advantage of and treated like crap. Its funny to hear about women wanting nice guys, and then you meet someone who had a rough life, and you try to be nice to them, and what do you get for it? A broken heart and even less confidence in the good will of people.