No more contact?

[robaday]

Hey I guess this is one for the ladies out there,

 

I posted my messy break up in depth recently on here-it is now 3 weeks ago that we had the blazing row. I did the usual reaction, texts phone calls etc, and also sent an email. I haven't texted or anything for the last 4 days.

 

Now I really love this girl, and I know up until a month or so ago she still had feelings for me. She actually dumped me 6 months ago and I managed to persuade her to come back, which means its harder to accept that this is over than it would be normally-there's still a daft thought in the back of my mind that I can get her back. However the last time we spoke she did tell me to just leave it and hung up.

 

I am not very experienced with relationships at all, and what I am wondering is, is there a normal length of time that passes before a guy stops texting you? I am wildly in love but don't want to be a pain in the ass to her. If a guy tells you he loves you is this a big turn-off? I told her this when she was dumping me-do you think I made the situation worse by saying that?

 

Also when you go off a guy, does this change over time? I'm not going to put my life on hold waiting for her to change her mind, but I fear its going to take a long long time to get over her. At the moment there are beautiful women everywhere but I just can't bring myself to be attracted to anyone else-is this normal? how do you go about starting a relationship with someone when you are constantly thinking of your ex?

 

My problem is just that whenever she was around me she seemed incredibly into me, and I've never had that kind of attention from any other girlfriend I've been with-sometimes it was almost crazy.

[EmperorR]

I'm in the same boat of you, my girl dumped me two weeks ago, did the voicemails, email txt, poems etc. begging her for another chance, did the allright i'll be your friend bit for awhile thinking I had hope etc., couldn't do that. I told her my feelings even as of a yesterday and she was and callous so im back to No contact for basically ever if she never contacs me again. And ya i'm in the same boat i'm not attracted to anyone else, and thats why you do no contact to heal etc. i don't want anyone else at this moment and i may never want anyone else, i still feel there is something there but as peopel say hope is the last thing to go

 

Going no contact is so hard though, like i talked to my girl evry day for the last 3 years, and now i just have to stop, i had to change my passwords for my msn n yahoo and throw them on top of my closet, i have to hide my phone lol

[robaday]

hey my sympathies, I know exactly what you are going through. I keep re-thinking over and over where I might have gone wrong and I just can't work it out. She never wanted a relationship, but my thing is just that if I really like a girl I only want to be with her-I don't want to see several girls at the same time, so naturally I just wanted to be with this girl. I felt sick when she told me, and my head hasn't been right at all. I called in sick last Tues because I couldn't get her off my mind. I wish I'd taken the dumping better and hadn't argued, but when something means so much to you, its impossible to withhold emotions.

 

so what daya reckon? will this girl get back in touch with you? if it helps, the last time I got back with this girl, I pretended I wasn't interested. I started doing exercise and generally being polite to her when I spoke to her, it took 2 months but she eventually came back. I'm starting to wish she hadn't!

[hurting22]

Yes, this is very hard, for women too. I erased his name from my cell, my palm pilot, everything. When it's over, it's over and you have to accept it.

[9Lives]

I think where most of us go wrong is trying to stay in contact with someone when they do not want tto be with us anymore. I think ou should tell them how you feel and let them know you dont want to breakup and then let them be to think about it. When we start chasing and all that, I dont know if it really does any good. If the rel was good for the most part they may want to come back. Sometimes youdont want them to come back after you think about it. I would just chill and see if they make a REAL move. Not a text. A real move

[EmperorR]

hey my sympathies, I know exactly what you are going through. I keep re-thinking over and over where I might have gone wrong and I just can't work it out. She never wanted a relationship, but my thing is just that if I really like a girl I only want to be with her-I don't want to see several girls at the same time, so naturally I just wanted to be with this girl. I felt sick when she told me, and my head hasn't been right at all. I called in sick last Tues because I couldn't get her off my mind. I wish I'd taken the dumping better and hadn't argued, but when something means so much to you, its impossible to withhold emotions.

 

so what daya reckon? will this girl get back in touch with you? if it helps, the last time I got back with this girl, I pretended I wasn't interested. I started doing exercise and generally being polite to her when I spoke to her, it took 2 months but she eventually came back. I'm starting to wish she hadn't!

 

thats why im trying no contact, i love her daily and i know i always will, im doing no contact not to move on etc. just to hopefully not think about her what shes doing if shes missing me 24/7, etc. the way we met, her moving halfway across the world across the world, living right across from my friend and that being the first time i ever been to my friend's house and everything we been through, i know that if somehow were meant to be together we will end up back together at one point, if not then i can''t do anything about it.

[robaday]

Well it's five days since I last texted her, and I can't say it's getting any easier. I miss her like hell and ironically I actually live closer to her than I did before. The worse thing about this is, even though I'm desperate to get her back, I'm not sure we can actually stand each other anymore:) the best thing to do would be to cut my losses and move on, but something keeps dragging me back to the first time I met her.

 

I'm determined not to contact her, but praying she will get in touch with me, christ that's pitiful! at this moment I'd prefer being friends than this, but we all know what happens when you take that route........

[robaday]

So it's day 8 of no contact and do you know what? I had a startling revelation today-"what the **** was I doing?" here's a girl with commitement problems and my way of trying to get her back is to tell her I love her etc etc. That is the absolute last thing she wants to hear from me. In fact my follow up texts have probably made her think i'm insane. Please, please don't take this approach people, I realize that if I'd acted a little cooler and not over-reacted then would probably not be in this situuation, or at least I could have left with some dignity. In a bizarre way its actually made me feel a great deal better, as I know now there's no way I'm going to contact her as I don't want her to think she dated a complete psycho. If she gets in touch on the other hand.....

[Steelrain21]

Yeah I agree with you. When someone you care doesn't want to be with you, it seems like human nature that we should try HARDER to prove to them that we'd be good for them. I've found that that's usually the opposite if what you should do if you want someone back. When you call and text a lot and confess your undying love in an overly emotionally way, you can't help but come off as needy.....which is a turn off for almost everyone. I speak from experience, I've been on both sides of the situation.

 

As for being friends with someone you care deeply about, I would advise not to. Yes there are instances where people date, breakup, and then become good friends. I believe this to not be the norm though. Usually one person has a lot more feelings for the other person. This will just make you miserable, I've done it before. It just sucks reading too much into the other person's signs and wondering if perhaps they're starting to feel more for you.

 

If she tries to contact to you I would maybe just leave it at first. She'll probably wonder what's going on in your head and try to get a hold of you again. You can try telling her then that you were really hurt when she told you to leave it and hung up. Tell her that you've been doing a lot of thinking and don't think it's a good idea to talk for now.

 

You will get your dignity back and she will see more value in you, instead of the weak begging man (not to be mean, I've been there too!) she last remembers you as.

[robaday]

Hey, I'm afraid I broke nc last nite. I'd spent the weekend at a friend's house and watched her and her husband aregue continuously. I drank heavily and it brought back all the bad things during my own relationship. I texted my ex and apologized for the way I reacted when she finished it (I was drunk and behaved like an *******). We argued a lot, me and my ex, and I hate the fact that she's going to look back on the whole thing as a disaster (part of me in truth thinks it is) and would love her to at least still be speaking to me.

 

My morale and self-loathing seems to be getting worse, despite hardly contacting her for 2 weeks, and I still think about her constantly. I've made a complete idiot of myself, I removed her from my friends list on Facebook, then changed my mind and sent her a long email, apologizing for the way the relationship ended, hoping that we could be friends again one day, and basically taking the blame for everything that went wrong. I would love to project an image of confidence and self belief, but the truth is I feel like my heart's been ripped out and am really really anry with myself for getting so emotionally attached (it's never happened before).

 

I really worry about what she thinks of me now (she finished it), I'm a self conscious person, and would like for her to have fond memories somehow, but everytime I contact her I end up saying the wrong things. I desperately want to get her out of my mind but don't know where to start.

[9Lives]

I'm a self conscious person, and would like for her to have fond memories somehow, but everytime I contact her I end up saying the wrong things. I desperately want to get her out of my mind but don't know where to start.

 

Start by trying something new....STOP CONTACTING HER. You are making it worst. You are not givin her any reason to come back cause you are acting out of control. Nobody wants someone like that.

 

I know it is very painful. I so understand but please quit

[aimeeg]

I am in the same situation as you buddy. Just the guy dumped me.. This is a hard time for me also. I have heard from many that you HAVE to stop all contact. And if you guys are really meant to be, something will reunite you two. Fate will happen if it is meant to be, trust me. I'm trying to learn it for myself as we speak. My boyfriend dumped my four days ago, read my blog on it- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t165580/

But personally, give her the space and time she needs. She will learn to miss you and want you back. If you are contacting her, she will have nothing to miss because you will still be in her life.

[northstar1]

Hey, I'm afraid I broke nc last nite. I'd spent the weekend at a friend's house and watched her and her husband aregue continuously. I drank heavily and it brought back all the bad things during my own relationship. I texted my ex and apologized for the way I reacted when she finished it (I was drunk and behaved like an *******). We argued a lot, me and my ex, and I hate the fact that she's going to look back on the whole thing as a disaster (part of me in truth thinks it is) and would love her to at least still be speaking to me.

 

My morale and self-loathing seems to be getting worse, despite hardly contacting her for 2 weeks, and I still think about her constantly. I've made a complete idiot of myself, I removed her from my friends list on Facebook, then changed my mind and sent her a long email, apologizing for the way the relationship ended, hoping that we could be friends again one day, and basically taking the blame for everything that went wrong. I would love to project an image of confidence and self belief, but the truth is I feel like my heart's been ripped out and am really really anry with myself for getting so emotionally attached (it's never happened before).

 

I really worry about what she thinks of me now (she finished it), I'm a self conscious person, and would like for her to have fond memories somehow, but everytime I contact her I end up saying the wrong things. I desperately want to get her out of my mind but don't know where to start.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it. What's done is done. You are hurting, and when we hurt, we reach out and try to do anything to bring back the good feelings we had with the ex. The thinking that "if I apologize and show her how hurt I am, she will come back" is easy to persuade yourself of - but it generally (as most will tell you) does not work.

 

You need to leave it for now, don't contact her again. She knows how to reach you if she wants to. You need to begin to detach yourself from her, as hard as it is.

You can't speak to her now - you are not friends right now - any conversations you have will be emotion fueled and usually end badly

 

Take a step away.

[winter]

She knows that you love her. You apologized to her. Now give her space and leave her alone.

 

When she is ready to talk with you, she'll contact you. Don't wait for this to happen though. She may be done for good.

 

It is time for you to pick up the pieces and get on with your life. Let yourself grieve the loss of this relationship. Take it easy on yourself, and heal those wounds.

 

When you're feeling tempted to contact her, wait 24 hours. The urge usually goes away. That always helps me. (NC with exgf since June)

[robaday]

Thanks for the advice. I'm not going to contact her again. I got together with her when my sister passed away last November (1st) she was her best friend and as such there was always far too much emotion between us because of the link with my sister, part of me thinks it was always going to end dramatically because neither of us wanted to hurt the other. Anyway I'm dreading Nov the 1st. Every picture I have from the funeral has me and this girl. every picture from my sister's university days has pictures of my sister and this girl. The majority of my memories from the past year include this girl, so it's going to be a bit of a double whammy. If she gets in touch then great, I still think I have a lot to offer her, but if she doesn't I understand. She only knew me when I was on anti-depressants and I feel I didn't get a fair chance now that I've quit them and tried to start a new life. Unfortunately my reaction to her finishing it shows the needy, depressive guy, she's trying to get away from, rather than the guy I thought I had become.

 

Guess we can't control our emotions sometimes-I'm starting to realize that emotions are irrational in an otherwise rational world

[9Lives]

Thanks for the advice. I'm not going to contact her again. I got together with her when my sister passed away last November (1st) she was her best friend and as such there was always far too much emotion between us because of the link with my sister, part of me thinks it was always going to end dramatically because neither of us wanted to hurt the other. Anyway I'm dreading Nov the 1st. Every picture I have from the funeral has me and this girl. every picture from my sister's university days has pictures of my sister and this girl. The majority of my memories from the past year include this girl, so it's going to be a bit of a double whammy. If she gets in touch then great, I still think I have a lot to offer her, but if she doesn't I understand. She only knew me when I was on anti-depressants and I feel I didn't get a fair chance now that I've quit them and tried to start a new life. Unfortunately my reaction to her finishing it shows the needy, depressive guy, she's trying to get away from, rather than the guy I thought I had become.

 

Guess we can't control our emotions sometimes-I'm starting to realize that emotions are irrational in an otherwise rational world

 

It is definately a good to learn to control your emotions. When you are not emotionally controlling yourself, you have to pull yourself together. it is not up to someone else.

[winter]

I'm sorry to hear about your sister.

 

Turn to your friends and family, people you know who love and accept you as you are, and who won't ignore you or push you away.

 

It seems there is always someone online here to talk with as well, so reach out if you're feeling alone and sad.

[robaday]

Hi all, thanks for all the support it really is appreciated. I haven't contacted her since last Sunday, although still think about her constantly-it's been 4 weeks since she broke it off. One thing I'm struggling with is why do you only realize the things you did wrong once the relationship is over? I've looked at the thing in retrospect as a complete disaster, and the only thing that kept us together was intence love and the bond with my sister. I realize now how needy I became, and am now hideously embarassed about my performance during the break-up. This was really messy with me declaring my undying love and her telling me to find someone else.

 

Basically I was in a situation when I first met her where I was suicidal, and she never knew the depth of my depression. As such meeting her saved my life and I became completely infatuated with her and her constant support. This is why I got easily hurt when she broke it off and over-reacted.

 

I don't blame her for finishing it at all, but still can't bring myself to look at another girl 4 weeks on. I've tried to summon the energy to do exercise but can't.

 

although I'm 99% certain nothing will happen between the 2 of us again, have any of you got any stories where you've got back together after a really messy break-up?

[SRV]

Robaday, I feel the same way, you just have to be strong. Nothing in life is permanent. I cannot stop thinking about her all day and I wonder does she do the same, I doubt it. Sometimes after the relationship is over, we just want that last chance to say, I am sorry for all the wrong I did and ride away to the sunset with a clear conscience and heart.