Why do I have days like this?

[smile711]

I am so down today. It has been 28 days of NC and it hurts like nothing I've ever gone through. From talking to someone every day to living with them to having zero contact with them is pain that I don't think I have the strength to bear anymore. I have screwed up so terribly and life will never be the same. I know that he was not the right person for me or he wouldn't have done the things he did, but I miss him so much it's a physical pain. Sometimes I feel like I would give anything just to hear his voice or see his face. I thought the past few days were a bit better and now it's back to this. I have no energy to deal with it. I am really at a point where I believe that these feelings will never get any better. What if what I had with him is something that I will never find again? I think nothing of myself right now. I am embarrassed and ashamed of the things I have done and when I look in the mirror, I see someone who isn't worthy of anyone's love. I don't know what to do anymore with this pain. I don't understand why so much of my self-esteem was (and still is) wrapped up in him. Without him, I feel like I am less of a person. It feels like he took something from me when he left and I will never get it back.

[sigh]

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I know exactly how you feel.

It's the hardest, most gut wrenching pain.

My self esteem has been completely destroyed by the whole thing.

I wish I had some advice, but I just wanted to let you knoe you're not alone.

[whichwayisup]

You're just having a rough day, expect afew more...But, just know that as time goes on, (hate to say it, but time does heal all wounds) things will get easier. It just may take longer than you desire it to..

 

One thing you need to do is stop putting yourself down. OFCOURSE you're worthy of love.

 

This situation took alot out of you, and you lost "you."

 

Surround yourself with friends and family, people who truly DO care about you and your wellbeing.

 

You WILL find someone else, when the timing is right and you're ready. Don't think so far ahead right now though, just take this one day at a time..

[NoIDidn't]

Withdrawal sucks, doesn't it?

 

I find the best way to lessen it using retail therapy. Nothing makes me feel better than a great pedicure and new hair style. Then, when I look in the mirror, I say "damn, you look good girl!".

 

Seriously. Times like these require greater self-care and self-love, not less. Stop putting yourself down. Just because things are over with MM doesn't mean you have no value. If we don't value ourselves, no one will. So, unless you really can't afford it, I say, go and spend SOME money on yourself. YOU DESERVE IT. Even if its just some cheap earrings.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[smile711]

Why did I put myself in this situation? I gave more love and trust to someone than I ever have before and I feel like my best wasn't good enough. What if my best is NEVER good enough? What's lacking in me? I gave so much to this R once he (supposedly) started the D process. I bared my heart and soul for the first time 100% to another human being and this is where I am. Lesson learned. I have no idea who I am without him. It's like he defined me. I was beautiful because he said so-I was smart because he said so-I was amazing because he said so. And now he's not saying so and so I don't think that I have anything to offer someone. It's so screwed up-I am educated, independent, I have (two) good jobs and I support myself. I am young and I have a great family and wonderful friends. Yet I am starting to feel like I have nothing to live for or look forward to because of this situation with the xMM.

[courting17]

You just gave me some good advice too, NOIDidn't. This withdrawal does suck, especially on a Saturday night. Not that I was with him on the weekends anyway. Just reminds me of how I was completely wrapped up in him to even look at anyone else! I still am but am working on it.

[whichwayisup]

I gave more love and trust to someone than I ever have before and I feel like my best wasn't good enough. What if my best is NEVER good enough? What's lacking in me? I gave so much to this R once he (supposedly) started the D process. I bared my heart and soul for the first time 100% to another human being and this is where I am.

You gave all of yourself to someone who was married. This isn't a reflection of you, it's all about him. He put himself in a situation, the affair, where he would have to choose. This guy has children too, yes? If that is a yes, then that is another reason why he stayed..He didn't want to give up everything that he knows for the unknown.

 

I really hope you work on your self esteem, it needs a big boost! Don't let this man, or any other man, make you feel worthless, because you're not!

[smile711]

He doesn't have any children.

[crystal_lostheart]

Not sure what to say....I know the pain is horrible. I really hope that you start feeling better soon

[NewSunrise]

Why did I put myself in this situation? I gave more love and trust to someone than I ever have before and I feel like my best wasn't good enough. What if my best is NEVER good enough? What's lacking in me? I gave so much to this R once he (supposedly) started the D process. I bared my heart and soul for the first time 100% to another human being and this is where I am. Lesson learned. I have no idea who I am without him. It's like he defined me. I was beautiful because he said so-I was smart because he said so-I was amazing because he said so. And now he's not saying so and so I don't think that I have anything to offer someone. It's so screwed up-I am educated, independent, I have (two) good jobs and I support myself. I am young and I have a great family and wonderful friends. Yet I am starting to feel like I have nothing to live for or look forward to because of this situation with the xMM.

Yep. Definitely a "withdrawal" phase. Same load of crap BS go through when they go NC with their WS.

 

You know the irony about NC? When the OP is in NC with MP, the MP is in contact with their BS. If the BS is in NC with their WS, their WS is in contact with their OP.

 

Quick! Somebody shoot the WS! :laugh::D:D

 

Go volunteer for a good cause to occupy yourself. When I went throught the self beating stage, I volunteered for an animal charity organization as its corporate sponsor chairperson. A great way to refine your skills and meet people.

 

Get off your booty, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something productive and meaningful. And then take your MM's picture, and draw a pink polka dot bikini on him holding a lace parasol umbrella.

 

So, unless Mr. Death is knocking at your door, beat it! Live! You ain't dead!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Yep. Definitely a "withdrawal" phase. Same load of crap BS go through when they go NC with their WS.

 

You know the irony about NC? When the OP is in NC with MP, the MP is in contact with their BS. If the BS is in NC with their WS, their WS is in contact with their OP.

 

Quick! Somebody shoot the WS! :laugh::D:D

 

Go volunteer for a good cause to occupy yourself. When I went throught the self beating stage, I volunteered for an animal charity organization as its corporate sponsor chairperson. A great way to refine your skills and meet people.

 

Get off your booty, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something productive and meaningful. And then take your MM's picture, and draw a pink polka dot bikini on him holding a lace parasol umbrella.

 

So, unless Mr. Death is knocking at your door, beat it! Live! You ain't dead!

 

 

 

Great post NewSunrise! :lmao::lmao:

[Lookingforward]

I am so down today. It has been 28 days of NC and it hurts like nothing I've ever gone through. From talking to someone every day to living with them to having zero contact with them is pain that I don't think I have the strength to bear anymore. I have screwed up so terribly and life will never be the same. I know that he was not the right person for me or he wouldn't have done the things he did, but I miss him so much it's a physical pain. Sometimes I feel like I would give anything just to hear his voice or see his face. I thought the past few days were a bit better and now it's back to this. I have no energy to deal with it. I am really at a point where I believe that these feelings will never get any better. What if what I had with him is something that I will never find again? I think nothing of myself right now. I am embarrassed and ashamed of the things I have done and when I look in the mirror, I see someone who isn't worthy of anyone's love. I don't know what to do anymore with this pain. I don't understand why so much of my self-esteem was (and still is) wrapped up in him. Without him, I feel like I am less of a person. It feels like he took something from me when he left and I will never get it back.

 

I know exactly what you mean smile - and it is like no pain you've ever felt before, I know. But eventually time works it's little miracle and it does get better.

 

These lines from a song help me - hope they do you as well

 

"Even though he hurt you, he's still the one you want...

You're going to feel like this until the day you don't.

Crying ain't dying and losing ain't forever

It's kinda like the weather, it changes every day.

You learned yourself a lesson about loving and lying,

But you will live to love again....cos crying ain't dying."

[Meaplus3]

I am so down today. It has been 28 days of NC and it hurts like nothing I've ever gone through. From talking to someone every day to living with them to having zero contact with them is pain that I don't think I have the strength to bear anymore. I have screwed up so terribly and life will never be the same. I know that he was not the right person for me or he wouldn't have done the things he did, but I miss him so much it's a physical pain. Sometimes I feel like I would give anything just to hear his voice or see his face. I thought the past few days were a bit better and now it's back to this. I have no energy to deal with it. I am really at a point where I believe that these feelings will never get any better. What if what I had with him is something that I will never find again? I think nothing of myself right now. I am embarrassed and ashamed of the things I have done and when I look in the mirror, I see someone who isn't worthy of anyone's love. I don't know what to do anymore with this pain. I don't understand why so much of my self-esteem was (and still is) wrapped up in him. Without him, I feel like I am less of a person. It feels like he took something from me when he left and I will never get it back.

 

I'm sorry to hear your feeling down today. I remember have many days like that when first in NC with xmm. Let yourself feel.. and work through those feelings. I know it's not easy.. but each and everyday your one step closer..to beign past all the heartache, it's just a matter of hanging in there. Do something special just for you. Stay strong.. because YOU are.

 

AP:)

[aloneatnights]

it does hurt! this was one of the hardest emotions i went thru. notice the past tense here? its over, after this one came the thoughts of revenge, the anger and then....nothing.

i havemoved on completely, how do i know this, i met a younger chap who is free and who made my heart beat, give me butterflies in my stomach and made me feel damn good. its not love, its just fun but a month/ 3 weeks ago i wasnt ready to even have fun.

it will it happen to you too. maybe it will take longer, maybe not, but keep the NC going, stay strong and stay positive

[smile711]

Thanks for all the advice. I hope what comes out of this is a better me...eventually. Today was rough again. I would have given anything to come home to him-not this apartment filled with the memories of our R and the 4 months he lived here. I want to be with him so much, and yet I know that that would be a terrible choice for me. He has really proven the kind of person he is to everyone around him. And I shouldn't want that in my life...but I do. Everyone tells me to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself, but how do I do that when who I was was so intertwined with who he is? It's been 5 1/2 weeks since he left and 29 days of NC-I still love him. WHY?!? I don't have him on a pedestal anymore-I see him for who he truly is and for the lies that he told to me, his W, his family, our friends, and our co-workers. Why do I feel like I can't be without him? It's like I'm Dr. Jekyll and My. Hyde-one minute I want to go down the hall to where he works and beat the s**t out of him and the next minute I'm huddled in a ball, sobbing my heart out, willing to give up everything to have the chance to tell him that I love him and miss him. He has told me and many other people that the decision to go back had nothing to do with me, but I still feel like it did. Where did I go wrong? What about me and the R and the home I made for us wasn't enough?

[jj33]

Smiles I know you are hurting and I dont say this to minimize your pain, but you are grieving but its not really over him IMO. He is addicted to alcohol and drugs. He lies and cheats and is a coward. If you were thinking rationally you would not be in love with someone like this.

 

In earlier posts you have said you are afraid of being alone, you are 28 you feel like you have wasted time. And perhaps part of it is that you are mourning the lost time.

 

28 is young though it may not feel like it. If you were with this man, with his alcohol and drug addiction, with his lying and cheating, what type of life would you have. Once you got over the relief that he was back in your life, it sounds like it could easily become a living hell.

 

Are you still in IC? Are you doing anything to relieve your stress. You need to forgive yourself at this point. Forgive yourself for the lost time. This man was a catalyst for you to leave a bad marriage. that is a good thing. Perhaps he helped you through the fear and lonliness of leaving your husband. But you are out of the marriage now.

 

You are free. Free to find someone who does not have addiction problems, who is not a liar and a coward who will love you openly and fully.

 

It may not feel like it now, but you dodged a bullet. Your guardian angels were looking after you when he left and went back to his wife.

 

Big hugs

[NoIDidn't]

Not to talk about myself more than help you, but please bear with me.

 

I remember dday. And my H told me his actions had everything to do with me. He blamed me for just about everything. And maybe because he did, I rejected that conclusion out of hand. Maybe because he told you that he went back to his M had nothing to do with you, that you feel maybe it did.

 

But I think you should believe him and leave it at that. All that you are going through is totally normal. But you have to stop blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault. You didn't lose anything other than the fantasy he needed you to believe in. When he couldn't sustain it, he went back. Its all about him. Negative or positive. It was about his needs and desires.

 

Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.

[smile711]

jj-thanks for the post. I'm still in IC and will stay in for as long as it takes. One of the things that I have been doing is journaling and in my journal, I actually wrote what it would be like if I came home tomorrow and he was waiting. The immediate emotion would be relief and thankfulness...for a few hours. Then the next morning, I would have to go to work or the mall or wherever, and I would always wonder if he was leaving again (when he left before, he called to make sure I was at the gym and then left work, raced to my apartment and packed his things and put them in his truck before I got home!). My friends say it would be like I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not only am I in IC, I am also relying heavily on my wonderful network of family and friends as well as my doctor and minister. I am throwing myself into both of my jobs to make time pass and keep myself occupied. I hope that if my guardian angels were looking after me, they continue to do so-I need them right now.

 

 

NID-Thanks also for your post. I am really trying to focus on putting the fault for him leaving where it belongs-on him. He knew his family would throw a fit-I asked him many times throughout the 4 months they weren't speaking much to him if he could handle this. He assured me he could...that this too would pass. That families have to go through things like this all over the world every day and they would make it through. The day he left, he said, "I'm not as strong as we thought. My family won't have anything to do with me and I can't be without my family. They will never accept you and I have to go back to have them in my life." I know logically that I can't compete with someone's family. But I just wanted the chance to show them that though what we did was wrong, we made each other happy and we were both trying to learn from our mistakes. I feel like I was robbed of that chance. I have to stop this madness that plagues me...this "Maybe if..." or "What if I had..." disease that is eating away at me and robbing me of time and healing.

[jj33]

Smiles in your case it may help if you focus on what was wrong with relationship particularly the alcohol and the drugs. Is it possible that you felt needed and appreciated because despite his addictions which must come with other issues...

YOU were the one who made him happy?

 

If that is the case then again you need to look at those issues. As wonderful as it feels to live with someone we love who we feel loves and appreciates us, a successful relationship is not solely about you doing things to keep him happy. You havent said that but I get that sense from what you say because noone with the amount of problems he has is going to have a lot to give on a consistent basis.

 

It sounds like you have a great support system. You will make it through this.

 

If possible turn off the "how could I have done it better" thoughts. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

 

These are his issues.

[whichwayisup]

He knew his family would throw a fit-I asked him many times throughout the 4 months they weren't speaking much to him if he could handle this. He assured me he could...that this too would pass. That families have to go through things like this all over the world every day and they would make it through. The day he left, he said, "I'm not as strong as we thought. My family won't have anything to do with me and I can't be without my family. They will never accept you and I have to go back to have them in my life."

 

At the beginning I'm sure he thought he could handle it. Unfortunately, things changed and in this situation it did. He couldn't handle it after all.. You can't fault him for changing his mind, wanting to be included and involved with his family.

 

It wasn't anything you did or didn't do, it was HIM. HE couldn't handle it. Boo hoo for him, he shouldn't have put himself in a situation where he would have to choose..But he did and now he has made his choice. Let him be, you heal you. HE isn't worthy of ANY of your tears!

 

But I just wanted the chance to show them that though what we did was wrong, we made each other happy and we were both trying to learn from our mistakes. I feel like I was robbed of that chance.

 

It would take years for them to accept you. And, it would ruin your relationship with him at some point. Maybe you and him could've grown together, but you can't expect his family to accept the situation and give you a chance..Some are open to it, some aren't and obviously his family isn't , which is why he chose to go back home.

 

I have to stop this madness that plagues me...this "Maybe if..." or "What if I had..." disease that is eating away at me and robbing me of time and healing.

 

The choices were made and is out of your hands. Just like with his wife. She had no say before, and he still left, for 4 months! I bet she is on pins and needles too, wondering if/when he'll leave again. BE GLAD this piece of crap is out of your life.

 

No point in thinking the what if's. It'll kill you and eat you up. Best to focus on today and the now, and how lucky you are to have friends and family, LS'ers who are going to help you through this.

 

Stay strong, and don't forget to have a good laugh too. See a funny movie, or watch a stupid TV show..

[NewSunrise]

The day he left, he said, "I'm not as strong as we thought. My family won't have anything to do with me and I can't be without my family. They will never accept you and I have to go back to have them in my life."

 

 

 

Smile---consider this a pretty strong message of the kind of person he is.

1. He's not willing to take responsibility
   
2. He quick to blame other people to hide his own agenda
   

Is this the kind of man you want as a "lifetime" partner?

 

Frankly, he had the "balls" to cheat on his W, but don't have the balls to be honest. What he's really saying, sorry Smile is that he wants to give his M another shot even under the pressure of family. You will never be able to compete with that because they see you as nothing more than a "homewrecker."

 

Everyone tells me to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself, but how do I do that when who I was was so intertwined with who he is?

You might want give this a closer look whether or not this is a "trait" or a pattern of a "co-dependent" relationship. When an individual has such strong identifiable need to survive based on their relationship with a a particular person and depends on that person that it becomes difficult for them to define who they are. People in co-dependent relationship are intertwined in the identity of the person they have become dependent upon. In other words, they can't survive without the other person. It might be worth discussing this with you IC if there has been a pattern in your previous relationships. May not apply but just food for thought.

 

Meanwhile, keep telling yourself you deserve better and maintain a NC. What you're going through is normal. You feel betrayed, lied to and of hopelessness. So keep busy and learn new fun things.

 

The irony to all this is that you are supposed to experience this so that when the right person appears in your life, you'll know how it feels to be adored, appreciated and loved, and what being in love means. Soon, you'll be beating yourself again. Except this time, you'll be telling yourself, "OMG! WTF was I thinking of?!"...

[LostGirl811]

Why did I put myself in this situation? I gave more love and trust to someone than I ever have before and I feel like my best wasn't good enough. What if my best is NEVER good enough? What's lacking in me? I gave so much to this R once he (supposedly) started the D process. I bared my heart and soul for the first time 100% to another human being and this is where I am. Lesson learned. I have no idea who I am without him. It's like he defined me. I was beautiful because he said so-I was smart because he said so-I was amazing because he said so. And now he's not saying so and so I don't think that I have anything to offer someone. It's so screwed up-I am educated, independent, I have (two) good jobs and I support myself. I am young and I have a great family and wonderful friends. Yet I am starting to feel like I have nothing to live for or look forward to because of this situation with the xMM.

 

Smile-

 

Wow. Reading your post I feel like I could be reading somewhat I wrote, almost. I too am young, attractive, educated, have a great job, and even went back to school, and am applying to medical school next year. i too have great friends and family....and hell , I have my health, which is somewthing alot of people take for granted (though lately the stress is taking its toll, lol) and at the end of the day despite all the good in my life, I feel horribly alone, because all I can think of is him, and how resentful I feel that he has his family, and he has me when he wants me, and I have...nothing (at least when it comes to my love life, and that little part of your life can often overshadow almost anything else).

 

I can't seem to find anyone else I like, and so my self-esteem has been hurting lately, because HE is the only one I care for right now, so all my self-esteem is holed up in him as well. Who cares if I am all those good qualities I mentioned above- they are only real if HE says them to me! The glow and euphoria I get when he sees me, strokes me hair, tells me Im gorgeous and this and that, no one else has this kind of a hold over me. im generally so independent, and I spend my weekends in misery while i think about him having a family weekend with his perfect little family, and his wife who's blissfully unaware (or in denial, not sure which) that her H has been cheating on her for the better part of 4 years with me.

 

It isn't that you are relying on him to tell you you are worthy, it's that you love him so much that he's the one you WANT to hear it from. i could be wrong, but if your situation is anything like mine, when I think about it, there are plenty of men who seem to find me attractive, who like me, etc. I go out on lots of dates, and I NEVER like any of them, but 90% of them end up liking me very much, and I could care less. It might as well be some bum on the street telling me Im beautiful, or some sleazy construction site guy I walk by. Who cares if they like you, right?. So all those guys that I go out on dates with that end up telling me how great i am, When THEY say I am beautiful and smart and wonderful, I just don't care, because I don't want THEM. This is the same with you, i reckon. You feel like you are putting all your value as a person and as a woman in his hands, because at present, his opinion is the only one that matters to you because you want to keep believing that he likes you, because you care for him so much, it would seem unbearable to think he no longer thought you were beautiful, smart, etc etc.

 

It isn't that you have nothing to offer anyone, it's that YOU don't want what ANYONE ELSE has to offer you! Because none of them compare to MM for you. None of them give you that same feeling, and so you start to think that if you can't seem to find anyone else that makes you feel like he does, it must be because you have nothing to offer them. Well, MM liked you for a reason. There were plenty of men that came and went before him, and there will be plenty that come after him, and at least one or two more will make you feel this way. maybe not many, but there will be some. And it's hard for me to accept this in my own situation, but it has to be true. I want to believe that fate would not be so cruel as to make this MM, this unattainable guy my one-and-only, right? Think of it this way- now you know what TYPE of feeling with a man you should aspire to (and i dont mean the miserable part, I mean the part of your R with MM that made you happy).

 

i think alot of people settle for a spouse in life because they DON'T know or understand or aprpeciate the intensity with which they are capable of really being IN LOVE with someone, and so they settle for someone they do love very much, perhaps, and are comfortable with, and could be happy with in most ways, but they will forever feel that they are missing "something", that un-named spark that everyone needs, and so many of them end up like the MM's and MW's we discuss on here and cheat.

 

Now that you know what type of feeling you want, it's ok to look for that, just make sure that you realize that there is someone out there that can give that same intensity BACK to you. No MM can really fully give back to any OW....me and you, we ache and ache because we, too, are missing something in our A's. We are missing simple things like overnights with the one we love, we are missing holidays and meetings where we aren't watching the clock every time because he's got to get home to his W and kids.

 

Anyway, it's hard for me to accept that it gets better, but I want to believe it,and I hope you do too. Heartache is one of those things that seems without end, without reason, and hurts infinitely more than any physical pain because there are no drugs that really numb it enough.

 

Hope I gave some insight or help, you are not alone at all, I promise you. I'm going through the same misery every day.

[Owl]

Smile, what are you doing to get yourself over this and outta the funk?

 

Do you have a "support system" (friends, family, etc...) that you can talk with about this?

 

Have you tried to reinvest that time and energy that WAS spent in the affair into something else? A new hobby, an old one restarted, working out at the gym, etc...

 

Have you deliberately made it hard/impossible for him to resume the affair by contacting you? (changed email/phone/etc...?) Doing this has the added benefit of aiding you in "moving forward" in your own mind/heart.

 

I hope this gives you some ideas for coping mechanisms here, my friend.

[NoIDidn't]

I am really trying to focus on putting the fault for him leaving where it belongs-on him. He knew his family would throw a fit-I asked him many times throughout the 4 months they weren't speaking much to him if he could handle this. He assured me he could...that this too would pass. That families have to go through things like this all over the world every day and they would make it through. The day he left, he said, "I'm not as strong as we thought. My family won't have anything to do with me and I can't be without my family. They will never accept you and I have to go back to have them in my life." I know logically that I can't compete with someone's family. But I just wanted the chance to show them that though what we did was wrong, we made each other happy and we were both trying to learn from our mistakes. I feel like I was robbed of that chance. I have to stop this madness that plagues me...this "Maybe if..." or "What if I had..." disease that is eating away at me and robbing me of time and healing.

 

Which only supports what I said. He couldn't keep up the facade. He was right. He wasn't as strong as he tried to put up.

 

You were NEVER competing with his family. They weren't competing with you either. There were consequences for his actions and he just couldn't hack it.

 

You weren't robbed of a chance to learn from your mistakes. You have it right now, but you are longing for the mistake and not the lesson. The lesson is that it was a mistake and it hurts like hell to be in withdrawal over such an unhealthy relationship. The lesson is that you need to value you for you. The lesson is that you may very well end up in another unhealthy relationship one day, but you will be stronger and able to walk away once it is known how unhealthy it is.

 

An aside: Chocolate cake makes me VERY happy, but my hips and thighs beg to differ. KWIM? Everything that makes us happy in a moment may not be the best thing for us all the time.

[LostGirl811]

 

An aside: Chocolate cake makes me VERY happy, but my hips and thighs beg to differ. KWIM? Everything that makes us happy in a moment may not be the best thing for us all the time.

 

Oh bloodyhell, how very true I think I may be trying to substitute chocolate cake for my waning emotional sanity, because my hips and thighs are hating me more and more as they continue to expand on a daily basis!