much worse than long distance

[callatt2]

Ok here are my problem(s). And I have never wrote online about my problems before, but I am entirely at a loss and do not know what to do, pretty obvious or I wouldn’t be here. I apologize in advance for being long winded, but this situation I am in is not normal and I really want the best advice, therefore details are necessary. I know I have screwed up, so did she and most of you will not have much respect for us. Please, this is not a high school problem, (I’m 26) or a first love issue, please take me seriously, I have never hurt over someone and missed someone with such intensity. It has already been almost three months and I’m not much better.

Okay, around the end of April, I met a girl (25) from France (I’m not in love with her because she was French, a lot of people think that but she’s not my first frenchie and I spend a lot of time back and forth, so its not really a novelty anymore) who was studying here in the states. We lived in the same apartment complex, I speak French and we hit it off. Within about a week we became lovers, we were inseparable. We did everything together, there is no exaggeration here, she moved in almost immediately, still has a key to my old apartment. I can’t stress enough how much we became inseparable, and as a result we fell in love, all is good, we had breakfast together every morning, we could talk about anything, so it was complete. We even talked about how it’s not normal that by the third month we had such strong feelings for each other. It was the most intense and happiest relationship I have ever been in, we clicked so well.

However, here is where the problems start, the biggest, she has a boyfriend, they broke up once while she was here in the states but got back together. Another was the inevitable fact that we knew she would be leaving, but near the end we started to talk about a future together. I knew she was afraid to tell him about me, she even admitted the last time I saw her (she flew into the states in September for two days) that she is a coward and wants things to be easy. She still hasn’t told him, I think she should, not for my sake but for his. Please don’t beat me up quite yet, I didn’t always know she had a boyfriend, but one day she told me and said she was confused and maybe he would go away on his own. She went off to South America to see her father that lives there in late July, I drove her to the airport, her boyfriend from France showed up in S. America two weeks later. This trip was planned long before she met me. He doesn’t know, I feel sorry for the guy, but I am not sure how strong their relationship since he broke up her once while she was stateside anyways. We are still in contact and we are still very affectionate with one another. One day she e-mailed from Brazil, stated that she has started over with him, that she decided not to erase two years of her life with him ( I also know she is very much afraid of being alone) but we still stayed in contact, and once again still very caring towards each other. Then she had to come back to the states to pick up her stuff, I had some of it, I drove down to see her, once again immediately we were inseparable, and affectionate. She didn’t spend time with any of the friends she made here, just me. She spent the night and kept asking me why she hasn’t been able to forget about me, I said you know damn well. We kissed, cuddled, we held each other all night, all the way until the next day at the airport.

During her two-day stay here, she explained that she locked herself in room and cried, for about a month after her boyfriend showed up she was mean with him, then I guessed she convinced herself. She told me she chose to stay with him because she wants to do something great in her career as graphic designer and his studies/profession are congruent with hers, architecture, they don’t speak of a future together or children, marriage, or anything of that, they just ‘are’. She couldn’t wait for me to be something like that ( and I feel like I am too old to start, and also not good enough now to be with someone like her, need help with that too). We still e-mail each other, she knows how I feel, like a pansy, I cried. I am going back to France anyways, although I am not sure if she knew that at all along, she always knew that I wanted to return for school and work, and am doing so in January, with most likely a small trip to Paris in November.

I’ll start to cut it short, she said she has not been able to forget about me, all while cuddling with me, dragging to the airport again to be with her up until the last minute, she is back in Paris now. We still e-mail each other, she is still very sweet, I know she has him, its easier, but as time as passes its getting worse and worse for me. I am at a total loss, afraid that she will be the girl that I compare every other girl too, she says she still loves me but has to make a decision, I had her once, I’m sure I could have her again, I have convinced her before, but I just don’t what to do, I can say this to the internet world, I have become pathetic, I cry all the time, I miss her more and more, I have never believed in a “one” for somebody but it seems more and more I’m afraid that might be the case, and it has been since July that she has been gone. Please advise I don’t if I should fight to get her back or just give up, and giving up seems unbearable, its not a pride issue for those who are going to say that. Please, please help.

[Island Girl]

Hi there.

 

Well, I read through and there is a lot to respond to.

 

But the bottom line is it sounds like she has whatever and whomever she wants whenever she wants.

 

While the men in her life including you pine for her and suffer miserably.

 

I acknowledge you did not know she had a man in her life when you guys first got together but there came a time when you did know. That was the time to say I am a good man who would devote myself to you if you are the right girl and I deserve that in return. I will not participate in a three ring circus.

That is the way you maintain your integrity and strength. It keeps you for being a doormat for a confused girl who is wrapped in drama.

And it is her own drama made by her hand.

 

So at some point it is up to you to draw the line or I fear the constant turmoil will continue and you will only get pieces and stolen memories. You shouldn't settle for that from anyone.

[crimsonrose]

Well, you have to draw the line, hard as it'll be. She could be a genuine girl who really doesn't want to break her heart but at the same time has feelings for you. Either way, if she loved you, or him, she wouldn't be doing this to both of you. You need to gently tell her she's gotta choose, because right now, withour her meaning to, she's using you. Would you have a girlfriend and then be so sweet with someone else? No. Neither should she. Again, i'm not judging her, she can easily be a sweet person who doesn't know what to do. But she's gotta figure it out and quickly, for all of your sakes.