There is still love but she called it off.

[eblancergts]

My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years just broke up with me 2 weeks ago and she is very confusing to me right now. She doesn't want me calling, emailing, texting or anything else no communication because she wants space and time before we start talking again. The night we broke up was all planned by her, she looked over at me while we were watching a movie and gave me this worried look so i asked her what was wrong and she said nothing at first but then after a few more tries she said lets go to her room and talk. SO...we talked and she said simply that its over, earlier in the day we went out to the mall, out to dinner, got some groceries and it was pouring rain out all day. But anyway the strangest part was after a lot of crying and hugging, she finally says its time for me to leave, she gets some of my stuff together and leads me out to the front door. We stand outside for about 20 minutes, both upset and in tears, but no matter what i said she stood her ground and said thats it, its over. We hugged a lot and kissed even some sorry everybody beforehand, some open-mouth kissing like we were still together, if you want to get rid of someone why would you show so much affection before kicking them out.

 

I sent her an email the day after we broke up proclaiming how much she meant to me and about all the things we had planned in our future, yes this girl was the one i was going to marry hopefully soon. We had a trip to Las Vegas that was planned and paid in full the end of the month that we reserved 5 months ago, I had bought an $800 diamond engagement ring i was going to give her during our vegas trip and we were both so excited to go. We had so many things we did together everyday, there was the occasional off day where she went out with her friends at night after school or work but i was fine with that, i didn't have many friends so i usually just stayed home and went to bed early and would here from her the next morning. When she started back to school, she hung out with her friends more and more, two weeks before the breakup we went to Long Beach Island for 4 days with her family everything was good. A friend of hers at work was having relationship problems and so she was on the phone and texting more and more in the last two weeks before we broke up. i figured ok she's trying to help her friend but the weird thing was she always went outside to make the calls or send the messages.

 

I started to notice we weren't very intimate the week before our trip to the beach and the week after before we broke up, she had a lot of homework from school and I would sit with her and study my own books for work. What i started noticing too was one saturday she went with her dad and brother to the driving range which is 2 minutes from my house and didn't invite me, strange. But here's the kicker i came across a sent email she forgot to delete, we both have eachothers passwords for everything except banking accounts it was a trust thing for her, it was a sent email to another guy that she had met the friday night out with her "friends" and was sending him an email about how great last night was, she said she was in a long relationship where she wasn't happy anymore, she said she wasn't a cheater (yeah right, not after reading this), she had "kissed" him and had no regret and said she really liked him and and wanted to talk to him more, so she really did go to the driving range but neglected to say she found someone else or what had happened the night before with her friends, and of course on my way over after she called me that she was home, she sent an email to this guy with pictures of her that i took of her and asked for some from him but he never wrote back either because he started calling her on the phone sending text messages back and forth on the phone i bought for her and emails on the laptop i bought for her also.

 

What no doesn't make any sense is the no communication thing, she cancelled the Vegas trip and i found out she put her brothers girlfriend's name on my tickets, she forgot i get the change confirmations. She says she will talk to me when she is "ready". She has a lot of my stuff some of it is very expensive and the laptop isn't even paid for still. I see her at the gym we go to last sunday and ask about getting my stuff back so we can get this over with and move on, but its been another week and she still hasn't called or anything so we can give eachother out stuffs back. What the heck is going on here is she playing the field in hopes of finding something better and if not then getting back together or something, she keeps saying we will only talk as friends, no duh dummy, i just want my crap back, plus the money for the vegas trip which is almost $600.

 

Now she has no idea i know about the guy kissing email or the vacation cancellation for vegas with my name taken off the ticket. She said she not going to Vegas but another lie and she really is, and probably going to use my ticket money to pay for her daily needs during the trip.

 

What the hell do I do, I love her to death but she is hurting me in more ways than she thinks and i don't want to get in an argument with her because then i'll end up either getting the police involved or worrying about not getting everything back in good condition. She has no clue that i know more of whats going on behind my back and probably thinks she getting away with murder. Why would she want to be friends still anyway, that would be so awkward and even if how could we possibly ever hang out and she would never call anyway since from what i can see she has a guy on the line. I'm confused, the friends that know her and i told all this to are cofused i'm sure everyone who reads this is confused, any insight to this girls mind would be much appreciated.

[westrock]

she said she was in a long relationship where she wasn't happy anymore

 

Did you know she was not happy? Usually there are hints that the other partner is not happy. Did you two have any conversations in the past about problems in the relationship?

 

i don't want to get in an argument with her because then i'll end up either getting the police involved or worrying about not getting everything back in good condition.

 

Forget about getting anything back. Let her have whatever she has of yours. It's not worth fighting over.

 

If you would take her back, your best option is probably to lay low for a while and not do anything you'll regret later. No arguing about her actions and no demanding anything back from her. It's likely she will come back into your life and realize she made a mistake with this new guy. When she comes back do not get into any argument with her otherwise you will regret it and ruin any chance you may have had.

[Konfuzion]

This post here lists some things from McDonald's Stop Your Divorce book (I know you aren't getting divorced, but same thing applies) The agreeing part is pretty good advice to avoid arguments and tension. I don't recommend fully agreeing with the breakup because they can turn that back on you, instead you can say you are understanding of their decision. Everything else this advice can help work in your favor.

 

So I've discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to their own advantage, and to the disadvantage of their opponent.

 

We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to them that you want something different from what they want.

 

I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over.

And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of “your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather.” After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person's hand always begins to float upward because they're giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion.

 

This woman's hand didn't move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, “Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?”

She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, “Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier.”

See, the opposite of what I suggested.

 

So I said, “Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier.” And I kept on that way.

In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility.

When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.

 

So use the jujitsu. Go with them.

Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.

 

1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.

 

2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.

Agree with their negative feelings – whatever they are.

“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”

“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct.”

Do not defend yourself.

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.

 

3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.

The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.

This uses jujitsu, and it always works.

 

Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.

You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.

Now, this does not mean no contact.

If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.

You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk.

Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.

Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.

You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.

“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”

Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”

These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.

Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important.”

Lots of times men tell their wives, “I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed.”

I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed.”

“Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that.”

“Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?”

“Yeah, I want her back.”

“That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want.”

And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”

Agree with them, quickly.

Why?

Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.

If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!

[Cosmo]

WOAW , am i reading right ?, she put someone elses name on your ticket instead of yours !! and you payed for that ticket ! what a ***** !

 

I don't agree with westrock

 

You should get your stuff back as soon as possbile, be cool and firm at the same time but get your stuff and money (tickets) back ! you worked for it !

 

Don't let anyone disrespect you even if it's your girlfriend.

Life is short, don't waste your time with people that don't deserve your attention, love, money, (pe**s ).

 

You should not think about getting back with her because in my opinion there are girls out there with higher value than this one !

[WiseOne1]

Im not confused not 1 bit, and im sure anyone here on LS wouldnt be confused. About 80% of the threads are about this.

 

You treated her like gold, but shes not happy. She wants to date the other guy and actually cheated on you.

You have every right to want all of your stuff back, and I mean everything. And get the money back for the tickets also.

She brought all of this own her ownself.

 

If she wants to go to Vegas so bad she should have the new guy take her, and im sure he wont, because all he wants is some and once he gets that hes gone.

 

I think you should tell her that you know whats going on, because shes playing you, but only you know it. Or maybe its just cold feet, but then again cold feet normally doesnt involve anymore guys.

[Konfuzion]

I dont know how I missed the part about her cheating on you, disregard my prior post dump her, get your stuff back, and start NC

[eblancergts]

I knew she was unhappy at times, but she always told me when she wasn't. After that point we would work on the unhappiness and things would get better for a while, but it would happen every few months, I forget to hold her hand or tell her how beautiful she looked before we would go out to dinner, little things once in a while, I got distracted and didn't put her first all the time like she wanted, she warned me a lot in the past six months or so about leaving me because she was unhappy but we always made due and I got better and improved on my faults, she was my longest relationship, the previous ones only last for 3-6 months.

 

The other guy blew her off about going to Vegas, because she put her sister-in-law's name on my tickets. Here's the email she sent to the other guy on the day she supposedly went to the driving range down the street and didn't invite me and it was while i was on my way over to her house where I found her taking a nap because she was so tired:

 

"I just wanted to write to you and clear the air about last night. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. I’ve never cheated on anyone ever and I’m a genuinely honest person, I hate lying. You will find with me that I always tell it how it is, I don’t hide my feelings about anything. I’ve been stuck in another one of those long relationships that I’ve told you about, unhappy, thinking that he would change and he hasn’t…and never will. I’ve been contemplating leaving him way before meeting you, so I don’t want you to think that I just jump from one guy to the next. I’ve got to stick it out 36 more days until vacation, or find someone to take his ticket because I believe they are non-refundable. So, I want you to know that I do like you and that I have no regrets about kissing you, the only thing I regret is the possibility of making you feel bad or making you think that I’m not interested, because I am. I woke up this morning with a big smile on my face literally, just thinking about last night and I can’t wait to spend time with you again.

So, there it is. I’m really embarrassed to send this but I didn’t want us to not talk about it ever and be on the wrong page about things. OR, maybe I’m just a complete ass and I totally misunderstood what’s going on between us and what happened last night, and you are not feeling the same about things. Whatever the case, its out on the table so feel free to tell me what you think (that way my worried personality doesn't go crazy) or not.

 

Enjoy your movie tonight...don't forget to save enough energy for your 2:30 basketball game!"

 

After reading this I wanted to kill her, she didn't brush her teeth until after I got there and she started getting ready to go out to dinner, kissed me with the same disgusting mouth that some other guy was in.

 

As of now i've been going to counseling sessions at my job in a hospital so i can try and sort this all out, i'm confused, angry, upset and yet I still love her and would take her back if the chance came up only because we had a future planned out and she only kissed this other guy because he jumped on the fact she was unhappy and made her feel better. i'm still going to ask her about that when she does start talking again, i can't stand this no communication sh*t, i saw her at the gym last weekend and she acted so fake in a way asked me how i was doing i said sh*tty, i asked her the same and she said she was ok, then i asked about getting my stuff back and she said she's not ready, and that this wasn't the place to talk about this, WTF!!!, we both said "love you" as i had to get going. I don't get it, is she emotionally attached to my stuff or something and doesn't want to give it up thinking that she'll never see me again, if she's so into pursuing other people then why not just dump my stuff off to me and move on. why is she making me wait now starting a third week and she's going to Vegas on Sept.29th-Oct.3rd the same week we were originally going.

[9Lives]

you need to get out of la-la land and wake up. She does not respect you. She is moving on with other guys and keeping you on a slippery string just in case. Stop letting her make the decisions. Go get your stuff. Get your money. And tell her later. YOu dont have to argue or fight. Just tell her you want your stuff and money and you are coming to get it. She is not worried about your best interest.

[eblancergts]

I know, i know, I saw her at the gym again today and she totally ignored me and i didn't bother saying anything to her either as i was leaving i left her a note that we need to talk on her car and saw her walking out the front door so i beeped and waved, she had this big cheesy fake looking smile on her face when she did it too with her sister-in-law by her side. Thats ok as soon as i can find time and i know she will be home, i'm just going to call her and say i'm on my way over for my stuff and if she won't go along willingly then i have all the receipts and i'll call up the state troopers and see if they can help her along as well. It is a game and i am getting played because she has the upper hand and always has.

[Rafa]

eblancergts, I feel for you. That email she sent the other guy is unforgivable. You definitely need to get your things and forget about her.

[9Lives]

See that is what im saying. This aint nothing but a thing to her. Just make things easier for you. Go get your things and tell her you want your money. I would change the ticket back to my name and let her figure out how she can convince you to let someone else have the ticket. She is just running all over you....make it stop now! You deserve better

[eblancergts]

Thanks everybody, she actually cancelled our original tickets to Vegas and bought 2 new ones that cost about $300 more than the first ones, she must really be set on getting out of this state and finding herself or some crap, whatever, i'm good friends with her father so i left a message with her and if she doesn't get back to me then i'll go talk to him and get my stuff back whether she is there or not including my money which i know for a fact she is holding onto for spending money on her trip, haha, not gonna be able to buy anything now, i'll wait till this friday and go pay her father a visit and wrap things up by saturday the latest, i don't care anymore, i just want to find someone new now and forget this ever happened.