im such a mess !!!!

[zoe1983]

Lately I feel like i have all these thoughts and ideas and worries in my head and I just dont know how to work everything out. I'm sorry if this sounds like rambling but i hope maybe someone can relate or at least give me some good advice.

 

Im not even sure were to start but lets see...I am 25 years old and have a job that i mildly hate but that has good benefits and a paycheck i can live on. I have a bachelors degree but i cant find any work in my field so i settled for a job that pays the bills. I have thought about going back to school for my masters but i cant figure out what i would want to study and also i want to wait till my boyfriend and i are married and settled to take on such a huge financial undertaking.

 

Which takes me to my next big issue. My boyfriend and i have been together for about 4 years and have lived together for two years. Although we started talking about marriage at the two year mark he had just started getting his degree and we felt that we weren't ready yet. Well fast forward to now, he graduated this past may and although he is doing a part time internship at a nonprofit for his major, his main money source is delivering pizzas. I brought up today that he doesn't even seem to be looking for a job and he admitted that he is really afraid about the whole thing. I can totally understand this actually because i felt the same way when i first graduated but my parents basically pushed me out into the world so i was forced to find a job and support myself. My boyfriends parents were helping support him while he was in college which seemed fine but now he is out and they are still helping out and it makes me feel like we are still little kids.

 

Whenever i bring up marriage he says once he has a job he will start saving for my ring. To add to the issue my parents just moved to a new place but haven't been able to sell their old place so they are a bit strapped for money. My mother is already very frugal (although they are pretty well off, in fact besides these two houses they also have a beach house that is completely paid off) and doesnt seem all that happy about the prospect of me getting married. I'm afraid if we get married fairly soon she will just get upset about spending money and put a real downer on the wedding. I know it shouldn't be all about money and that we could do the justice of the peace but the thing is my sister ran away and eloped and it literally broke my moms heart so i feel like the wedding would be for her too.

 

I just feel like im already 25 and we aren't really moving forward. I want us to be completely independent adults but i don't know how to help us get there. Also, we almost never fight but the one thing that always becomes a big fight is how we spend our free time together. He always wants to go over to his friends house and just hang out and watch tv and drink and stuff. I find this sooooooo boring and so he calls me antisocial. Also it doesn't help that him and his one friend are practically attached at the hip and he sees no problem with it. I mean he calls him when he wakes up, before he goes to bed and he sees him at least 5 days a week. I know i sound like his mother but this guy is not a good influence and is not only wasting his own life but also that of his children. I feel so uncomfortable at his house because he and his girlfriend do stupid things when their kids are in the house. His girlfriend always has a cigarette in her hand and a kid in her other arm and often they get drunk and get in physical fights with the kids there. Him and his girlfriend are actually nice people and if they didn't have kids it wouldn't even bother me but i just feel guilty seeing them treat their kids the way they do.

 

The thing is i consider fun to be going out and doing something. Going to a movie or a concert or something.... We both say we want to compromise but i guess we don't really know how. Plus it doesn't help that his friends can never go out anywhere because they never have any money or any place to leave the kids. We both love each other so much and both say that we are more comfortable with each other than anyone else in the world. We are best friends and both put our relationship as a priority in our life. I know he is the one for me but i just feel like nothing is working out right.....