Gere51 Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Well, it finally happened, just the way I thought it would. Today was my 67th day of No Contact with my ex-girlfriend, and the NC ended around noon. To make a long story short, I tried the "friends" thing with her, but only half-heartedly, and she began calling me telling me how great her life was, about the guys she met that didn't measure up, etc. I got tired of this and cut off all contact. After she figured it out, I started getting texts from her wondering where I was, was I ok, etc. She even remarked that if I did not reply she would come looking for me, which was exactly what happened. As I was out cutting the grass she pulled up and started to approach me. I kept working and never gave her the time of day. As I finished, she asked why I was ignoring her and that she thought we were friends. I never responded, and all I did was look her directly in the eyes with an icy cold, expressionless stare for about 5 seconds, and went about my business. She looked as if she was going to cry but that didn't work either. I put up the lawnmower, took out my ear plugs and before I went into the house gave her one more look. The look on her face was priceless, and even better was the feeling I got that she has absolutely no control over me whatsoever, and I felt even stronger after she left. As I closed the garage door she just stood there in disbelief. Keep in mind that I was totally head over heels in love with this woman, and it devastated me when she broke it off. Now, I feel much better and have regained my self-esteem and confidence. For all of you doubting that No Contact works, take it from me. It is the best healing tool at your disposable. I feel great and will continue No Contact.
CaliGuy Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Do you want her back or do you want to move on with your life? Great NC story, but in the end if you want a second chance (and I hope you don't) then this is exactly what NC will do for you. Make you stronger, more resilient and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Cheers.
Author Gere51 Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 No way I could even begin to trust her again. She told me not once, but twice that it was over, and I don't need to be told a third time. I don't think this was about her trying to reconcile, rather she's not used to rejection of any sort. She was a Bud Light Model only a year ago and is used to men kissing her feet. Wish I had a nickel for each time she reminded me that she had never been dumped in her life, and that when in Dallas she never had to buy a drink for herself. No, I began to move on after I initiated No Contact. At first I wanted to give it another try, but really became hardened when she began telling me about other guys. This is exactly why you do not be friends with an ex.
ahhhchooo Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 That sounds great. Good work. I hope to feel like that soon.
Author Gere51 Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Trust me, it was not easy, but necessary. Admittedly, I still love her but some things are just not meant to be. The NC was done so I could get past the break-up and heal, not to try and get her back. It was never an option, but regardless, I don't like to pay for the same real estate twice. Anyway, thanks ahhhchooo and I hope you get to that point soon. Stay strong!
CaliGuy Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 No way I could even begin to trust her again. She told me not once, but twice that it was over, and I don't need to be told a third time. I don't think this was about her trying to reconcile, rather she's not used to rejection of any sort. She was a Bud Light Model only a year ago and is used to men kissing her feet. Wish I had a nickel for each time she reminded me that she had never been dumped in her life, and that when in Dallas she never had to buy a drink for herself. No, I began to move on after I initiated No Contact. At first I wanted to give it another try, but really became hardened when she began telling me about other guys. This is exactly why you do not be friends with an ex. Yeah the ex that brought me to LS was a former gymnast and had killer looks AND body to match, lol. But unlike your ex, I tried a few times and then when it came to strict NC, I never heard from her again (other than her stalking me on my web site). But I think in my case it's one of those "be thankful you didn't what you wished for" things because I think being married to her would be hell on earth. In your case, you did the right thing. She had a lot of audacity coming to your place. I bet the look on her face was absolutely priceless. Good on you for maintaining your dignity and not giving her the time of day. If you can land someone like her, you can find someone a LOT better. Just be true to yourself. I truly believe that myself. I know I have a lot to offer the right woman. The thing you need to do is maintain confidence in yourself, heed red flags and date multiple women (just don't be sleeping with them!). The more eggs you have in the basket, the more relaxed you'll be when dating and more apt to walk away from the bad egg. Catch my drift? The more confident you are, the more likely you will be to attract a confident, great woman in your life. Cheers.
Author Gere51 Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Caliguy, you are correct on all points. Thinking back, each time a woman has ended it with me, I've come out better the next time. As for dating multiple women, I've been doing just that casually, just to get used to the dating scene again, however, nothing intimate has been going on, and that's the way I plan to keep it for a while. I never understood how sleeping with another woman would help one get over a breakup. I have a good friend that went through a breakup around the same time I did, and he's already been with a couple of women, but he's admitted that it only left him more empty inside. This has taught me a lesson and I will be able to identify "red flags" in the future. Thanks
9Lives Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 No way I could even begin to trust her again. She told me not once, but twice that it was over, and I don't need to be told a third time. I don't think this was about her trying to reconcile, rather she's not used to rejection of any sort. She was a Bud Light Model only a year ago and is used to men kissing her feet. Wish I had a nickel for each time she reminded me that she had never been dumped in her life, and that when in Dallas she never had to buy a drink for herself. No, I began to move on after I initiated No Contact. At first I wanted to give it another try, but really became hardened when she began telling me about other guys. This is exactly why you do not be friends with an ex. Dude, I totally agree. if your ex is nice looking and all, why do you want to be talking to them while they are doing it out there? It is self torture. My man broke up with me twice too. No more chances to throw me for a loop. I agree with Gere. Im glad you got to look her in the face and let her know, i aint got nothing for ya. WAY to GO boy!!
Author Gere51 Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Thanks 9lives, as I looked at her, it didn't even seem to be the same person I knew before. I really don't understand her motives for trying to keep in touch with me after she broke it off as I don't buy the "let's be friends" thing. Never once did she bring up reconciliation, so I just don't understand. Anyway, I'd rather be with someone that really wants to be with me rather than chase after something that's not there. Had it been a bitter breakup with harsh words and continued harassment I could see why one would throw up different guys in your face, but I really thought it was very disrespectful of her to do that. I think that was the defining moment for me in goin NC.
9Lives Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Yeah, I understand. I think some people think everybody wants to be their door mat. My ex is nice looking too so there is no way I going to put myself thru the torture. I am nice looking as well so I can get a date but I dont want one at this time. yuk!! Im not against being friends but only after i am completely over you and that person cannot affect my moods. We just broke up on friday so I cant do anything but do what i can to keep my head high. I gave it my best. he cant say that but I'm not going to worry about it. 3rd time is a charm. I cant
Author Gere51 Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 In my case, I should've known better since she left every man she was ever with, and I just happened to be the last victim. After all of the "I love you more than any man I've ever loved; our relationship is so important to me, I don't want to live without you, etc.", I got my walking papers, totally out of the blue. Two hours before she broke if off she was telling me about her day and how much she loved me. Go figure, but it seems to me that she's used to having her way about everything and can't take any form of rejection. The friends thing doesn't work for me so I won't even consider it. No reason for it since we were never married, don't have kids together, etc.
gummybear Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I think it's great what you're doing with NC. Stay strong! I am curious though, if she does come back and asks for reconciliation and wants to be with you again, would you get back with her? Or do you truly do not want to be with her anymore?
Author Gere51 Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I thought about that situation with the following conclusions: (a) I could never trust her again (b) She has way too much attention from other guys and it would just be a matter of time before she ran off with a BBD. © She is very spoiled and difficult to get along with. The least thing sets her off and she's very, very defensive. Almost as if she's looking for an excuse to end things. (d) She has abandonment issues from her biological father, and I can't help but feel that this affects her relationship decisions, as she's never gotten counseling for it. In other words, even if I wanted to get back, I could not. Besides that, the chances of her asking for a reconciliation would be slim to none. She stated to me on several occasions that she doesn't give second chances. Keep in mind, this is a woman that claims that she's never been dumped or cheated on before. What goes around comes around.
0hpenelope Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 ... it didn't even seem to be the same person I knew before. I really don't understand her motives for trying to keep in touch with me after she broke it off as I don't buy the "let's be friends" thing. I wish I saw that red flag as it was in my situation, so I commend you for seeing it as it was - no grey area, just black or white. When I confused Lawrence's offers of maintaining a friendship as I was "his best friend" for still wanting my company, I didn't think of myself... Of how much I was still hurting and how I was willing to settle for breadcrumbs. I knew things weren't going to be the same between us after he left me, but I kept on. I misapplied hope in my situation, most definitely. No, I began to move on after I initiated No Contact. At first I wanted to give it another try, but really became hardened when she began telling me about other guys. This is exactly why you do not be friends with an ex. Yeah, I still feel surprised every time I hear about friends or even LS users who are able to keep in touch with their exes and stay on the topic of their ex's new love affair or whatever when they're talking about it. I guess there are people who fully recover who have their exes in their life, but I learned that I'm not one of them. Thanks for sharing your experience with us, bro.
Author Gere51 Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 It just amazes me how someone can profess their love for you one minute then want to turn it around and be "just friends" the next. Two weeks after we split up she called and wanted me to meet her and her girlfriend downtown as there was an outside event she wanted to attend and wanted me to meet her friend. Like an idiot I went, thinking that things may turn around. She did flirt with me and throw a couple of things out, but the interaction between us was uncomfortable on my part. I left that night and she texted me good night, and I even got some texts from her about 1-2 per week until the last time I talked to her and she was actually gloating about our breakup, as if she had done something to be proud of. THAT was my revelation, and I decided as my goal to never speak to her again the rest of my life. The "friends" thing is nothing more than a tool used by the dumper to either: (a) Keep you in the loop as a back up. (b) Relieve themselves of guilt for breaking it off, i.e., "I'm not such a bad person", in their eyes. © Slowly "wean" you from their life. For those that think that being friends will eventually cause things to turn around and make your ex want you back, you are in for a rude awakening. On very rare occasions do these "friendships" return to relationship status. Being friends only prolongs the agony.
EmperorR Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 It just amazes me how someone can profess their love for you one minute then want to turn it around and be "just friends" the next. Two weeks after we split up she called and wanted me to meet her and her girlfriend downtown as there was an outside event she wanted to attend and wanted me to meet her friend. Like an idiot I went, thinking that things may turn around. She did flirt with me and throw a couple of things out, but the interaction between us was uncomfortable on my part. I left that night and she texted me good night, and I even got some texts from her about 1-2 per week until the last time I talked to her and she was actually gloating about our breakup, as if she had done something to be proud of. THAT was my revelation, and I decided as my goal to never speak to her again the rest of my life. The "friends" thing is nothing more than a tool used by the dumper to either: (a) Keep you in the loop as a back up. (b) Relieve themselves of guilt for breaking it off, i.e., "I'm not such a bad person", in their eyes. © Slowly "wean" you from their life. For those that think that being friends will eventually cause things to turn around and make your ex want you back, you are in for a rude awakening. On very rare occasions do these "friendships" return to relationship status. Being friends only prolongs the agony. i agree, the whole friends thing is a joke, its just that you've been there most likely been their best friend for however long the relationship, and they still want to keep you around, umm sorry, im either your love and friend and thats it.
lofi_tokyo Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Hahaha reading all this makes me feel silly! I'm not pretending with my ex to be friends, but I'm using out casual chat as a way to get my moxy back. It feels good - MOST of the time, not 100%. I have an idealized idea of myself coming out on top. Not winning him back, but being independent and strong by using him to remind me how I'm doing well! But... then I read all these things saying pure NC is the only way, and that any kind of friendship is futile. Man, I need to just listen to all of you here. Guess I'll do my best to listen, and take what I learn here to make my own choices... ahh!
Author Gere51 Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I recently read something on Ezine outlining why you do not remain friends, at least immediately after a breakup. From personal experience, everything in the article was coming true. She even began telling me how friends were trying to set her up with guys but "it wasn't working" for her. Then started telling me about how many guys she had met that didn't have kids, how her friends told her it wasn't going to work form the start, etc. Just kept justifying why we broke up and I wasn't even arguing or questioning. Best thing is just to spare yourself the pain and shut them out.
lofi_tokyo Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 You're right Gere. Friendship immediately after a breakup is not a good idea. A break up is exactly what it is - separation, breaking up. Years down the road, if we become friends, thats cool... but personally, I need time off.
CaliGuy Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 There are a couple of reasons why ex's want to remain friends with someone they dump. Here they are in no particular order: 1. They want to relieve their own guilt for dumping you. By being your "pal" they don't have to feel bad. (Oh poor them!). 2. They want the personal satisfaction, the ego boost that getting attention from you gives them without actually wanting you. It's selfish and cruel. The best thing an ex can do for you when they dump you is to go NC. This leaves you no mixed signals and helps you heal and move on in the shortest amount of time possible. Plus, there is NOTHING an Ex can do for you as a friend that a TRUE, REAL friend can't. The more you hang around being your ex's pal, the longer it's going to take you to heal because you will simply hang on to hope MUCH longer than you should have. Say NO to friendship with your EX till you've good and moved on with someone else. And even then I have to ask: "Why?!" Cheers.
0hpenelope Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 There are a couple of reasons why ex's want to remain friends with someone they dump. Here they are in no particular order: 1. They want to relieve their own guilt for dumping you. By being your "pal" they don't have to feel bad. (Oh poor them!). 2. They want the personal satisfaction, the ego boost that getting attention from you gives them without actually wanting you. It's selfish and cruel. The best thing an ex can do for you when they dump you is to go NC. This leaves you no mixed signals and helps you heal and move on in the shortest amount of time possible. Plus, there is NOTHING an Ex can do for you as a friend that a TRUE, REAL friend can't. The more you hang around being your ex's pal, the longer it's going to take you to heal because you will simply hang on to hope MUCH longer than you should have. Say NO to friendship with your EX till you've good and moved on with someone else. And even then I have to ask: "Why?!" Cheers. Brother CG, for everytime you make an excellent post about NC and it gives you $5.00, I bet you'd be over at the Bahamas right now, forgetting about LS and getting fed grapes by ex-world leaders. Yet another awesome pro-NC post.
Author Gere51 Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 You're right on Caliguy. I tend to think it's the latter reason you give more often than not. In any case, it's best to cut all ties after a breakup.
CaliGuy Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 That's what I do and it drives them nuts to be ignored, but it's a boundary that I am firm on. If you don't want me, if you can give up on me that easily, you don't deserve to be in my life. I certainly don't feel like I should be second best to someone I had put first in my life. There's a saying I used to have in my tag line: "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option." And really, that is what it comes down to when you're friends with an ex. You will still make him/her a priority in your life (whether you think so or not) while they will see you as a distant option (or no option at all). And there is no greater cruelty in life than to be sitting next to someone you love with all your being and they don't feel the same way. Might as well be in solitary confinement…. PS: I know I talk a lot about NC but I've seen the results in my own life. It's given me my confidence and self-respect back. It showed me that I don't *need* anyone. Like I've been saying: "You are the only person on this planet responsible for your wants, needs and happiness." Cheers
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